May 19, 2001 a day that will always have special meaning to me. It will also always be one of the best days of my life. Ten years ago today I married on of the greatest men I had ever known!
It kind of blows my mind to think about being married for ten years. It seems like such a long time, I guess it is a long time, a really long time, especially when you think about how long marriages seem to last these days or rather don't last. Was my marriage with Shawn perfect? No, not at all, we had a fair share of "issues" but we always worked through them, we chose to work through them and we communicated with each other. Did we fight? No, hardly at all but of course we did, and when we did they were usually HUGE fights. Every marriage has it's fights and it's ups and downs, but we always worked through our issues. More important that anything we loved each other with all of our hearts. We would do anything for each other and we were always there for each other. We grew up together, helped each other grow and change. I would like to think I helped in in areas of his life and I know he helped me in areas of mine. A huge part of my personality is because of him. A huge part of the strength that I have is because of him and the strength he instilled in me. Maybe in some weird way he knew something was going to happen and was preparing me to live without him. Either way, without him I know I would not be who I am today, and I'm so grateful and blessed for how Shawn impacted my life. How he still impacts my life. There are many situations that I think to myself, "How would Shawn handle this?" Or " What would Shawn think of this?"
I remember most details of my wedding day. It was a beautiful spring day, deep blue sky, warm and lots of sun. I stayed the night at my parents house and Shawn called me in the morning and told me how excited he was to have me finally be his wife and how anxious he was to start our life together. The rest of the day I went about my business, hair, make-up, and getting into my dress. The whole day just felt "right". Just before I walked down the aisle my Dad looked at me and asked if I was nervous. I told him only because everyone was staring at me but not because I was getting married. It felt right, it felt really right and there was no reason to be nervous.
I caught Shawn's eye standing up at the alter waiting for me. I saw his smile and totally forgot about everyone and everything else. I was going to be his wife and that was all that mattered. Of course I cried when I said my vows to him. We were really young when we got married 23 and 24 I remember laughing at the line "in sickness and in health" and "till death us do part", nothing was going to happen to us. We were young and had our entire lives in front of us and it was going to be a great life. I'm telling you the two of us had some big, big plans! The rest of the night went off without a hitch. Our reception was while a little on the quiet side but was right for us at the time, nothing wild or crazy. We went to sleep that night as husband and wife and it felt amazing. Little did we know that only seven years later things would drastically change.
Today, at ten years after our wedding I look at life in a totally different way. I have learned to live life to the fullest and love more than ever because you never know what tomorrow will bring. My tomorrow changed in a heartbeat. I have also learned to love in a different way than I did before Shawn died. If it makes any sense I think I love "more" and "harder" because I know for a fact how quickly it all can end. I now say "I love you" to everyone, my family, and my friends and I never used to do that before. I always thought I would have tomorrow to tell them, and well, that's just not the case.
I got up this morning and of course remembered it was the ten year anniversary of our marriage. However, unlike the last two years I wasn't really sad. I took some time and remembered the day and the many memories that Shawn and I made for ourselves. I took a bouquet of yellow roses out to the cemetery and stayed out there for a while. I thanked Shawn for loving me, for letting me be his wife and for helping to make me who I am today. I also thanked him for teaching me how to love someone with all of my heart and soul. Of course I told him that I loved, will always love and miss him. And I did it all without crying or cracking into a million little pieces. I got into the car, turned the radio station and wouldn't you know it our wedding song, "I Cross My Heart" by George Strait was on the radio. I'm not even kidding, the second I got in the car from visiting his grave the song came on. A sign from Shawn, or just an odd coincidence? I have no idea but it gave me goose bumps and made me smile.
A marriage with love and respect of two people, what more could I ask for? Not a whole lot more. Even though my life and marriage with Shawn was cut short I will be forever grateful for the time I had with him. It was a great seven years, I will never forget it and it will always be a part of me, forever. I'm also grateful for the type of love that Shawn and I had. While it was unique and something special between just the two of us it taught me to love again. Because of the love and relationship that Shawn and I had I realized I didn't want to close my heart off to options of loving another man after his death. It took a long while to get to that point, but I'm so glad I realized that. After a long time I realized I wanted to be able to share the love that I have with another man and create another life of love between a man and a woman. Would a relationship with another man be the same as my relationship with Shawn? No absolutely not! Nor do I want it to be. However, with the love that Shawn and I had I can and I want to share that with another great guy. I am so lucky to be able to share and have that type of love with Ry. Our relationship is different that my relationship with Shawn, but that is ok. I'm grateful that the two relationships are different. I'm grateful that I am able to love, be in love and to be loved back by two amazing men! I am one lucky girl!
I think my facebook status this morning sums it up the best, I wrote:
Showing posts with label Shawn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shawn. Show all posts
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Two and a Half Years
Dang! I was on such a roll blogging there the end of January and the beginning of February, and then it all just tanked and I have not written in two weeks. Damn! I hate it when I do that, just ran out of time and a few nights last week I just didn't feel like posting. Oh-well, there is nothing I can do about it now besides to post now, so read on for an update on the latest.
Overall things are good. Actually, things are really, really good and I really could not be happier right now. Life in general is good, much, much better than it had been that is for damn sure. I'm happy, smiling, going out with friends, having fun, living life, being loved again and in love again. All of which I'm so incredibly grateful for you have no idea. Then one night last week while I was at home alone I went to pay a bill and looked at the date. Then a small little "wave" of emotion hit me. It was February 20, a date that has no specific meaning to me. Then, all of a sudden it dawned on me, February 18, 2011 had come and gone without me even noticing, without me even giving the date a second thought. My stomach hit the floor, February 18, 2011 marked two and a half years since Shawn's death and I didn't even realize that it had passed. I felt awful. When Shawn first died I counted every hour, then every day, then every week. It moved onto me counting months, then years. At every six month mark I remembered the day and then at this last six month mark, I did nothing. I didn't even realize that it had passes. It made me mad feeling, a little guilty feeling, and a little ashamed feeling. I sat on the couch and talked myself out of a major meltdown. I turned on the T.V and watched some major trash to get my mind off of the fact that I did not acknowledge the two and a half year mark. I went to bed later that night and told myself that it was "okay" that I had not acknowledged the day.
The next morning I woke up and was in a great mood. I went to work and did my day to day routine. I got in my car on my lunch break, turned on the radio and heard the song by Faith Hill from the Pearl Harbor Soundtrack, "There You'll Be" That song totally reminds me of Shawn, the lyrics are my life. I then sat in my car and bawled. I was missing Shawn plain and simple. Don't get me wrong. I think about Shawn every. single. day. I repeat...every single day I think about him. I will always, til the day I die think about Shawn every single day. But for some reason that day I was thinking a lot about him, even more than I normally do. It was a feeling that I just could not shake for some reason.
I got back from my lunch break and got back into my classroom where I proceed to feed a few babies, put a few babies to sleep and then rock another one to sleep. While rocking her I sat in the chair with a few left over tears streaming down my face. I was wishing that I could see or talk to Shawn again. If even for one minute I wanted to have Shawn wrap his arms around me. I wanted him to hold me, just for one more time and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to be able to smell his skin, feel his skin. I wanted to be able to look into his eyes and hear his voice. I just wanted to be with him. I know this will happen from time to time and I'm guessing it probably always will. No matter what happens in my life, or how happy I am, I know that I will always miss Shawn. I also know that sometimes the grief and sad feelings will hit me when I least expect it.
People around me had no idea of my feelings. I have gotten really good at being "strong" and not letting on to people when something is bothering me. Only two people knew that day that I was off feeling and they were Jennie and Meg. I ended up texting both of them because I was just that sad feeling. As usually both of them were 100% supportive and understanding. They both told me that days like that would still happen. Which I know, and I have also come to accept that waves of emotions come when you least expect them too. I have learned that grief hits you when you don't really think it will. I've also learned that is when grief likes to take a bit out of you...when things are going good. I think it does that just to mess with you. Not like becoming a widow at 30 doesn't mess with you enough. Grief sucks! It always will!
I really only felt like this for a day and a half. It wasn't like I was constantly sad, or crying, or in a funk. It was more like I was sad in the back of my mind if that makes any sense at all. I still went about my day to day life and like I said, nobody even noticed.
I have also learned that it the two and a half years since Shawn has been gone that life does get better. That is something I for sure did not believe in the beginning. It's something I did not even want to believe. However, it has and I'm so blessed and grateful for that. I'm so happy that I have found Ry and that I have him and his two amazing children in my life. I'm happy that we have made our own little family even though it's not the "traditional" family. I'm happy that I have met an amazing group of new friends. I'm happy that I can now once again look forward to my future and what it has in store for me. I have also realized that I'm incredibly lucky to be able to love two great men. Two great men who also love me, two great men who have each taught me different things about life. I love each Ry and Shawn so so much.
I have also learned that even though I love Ry and my "new life" and "new normal" it does not mean that I will EVER stop loving Shawn. At two and a half years I've realized that it is okay and will always be okay to miss Shawn and to have days where I want him back.
Two and a half years has gone by. I still remember the day of August 18, 2008 like it was yesterday. Details of that day are forever etched in my mind, they will always be with me. Even though it feels like yesterday in another way it feels like way more than two and a half years. In many ways it feels like 100 years. So much of my life has changed, nothing is the same in my life as it was that day. A lot has changed for the better and I'm so grateful for that.
Two and a half years has gone by since I have lost the one and only man I thought I would ever love. But because of his love and what he taught me during our time together and the type of relationship that Shawn and I had I am able to now love another amazing man again. Loving another man is something I never thought would be possible.
Two and a half years...seems like yesterday...seems like a lifetime ago...
Overall things are good. Actually, things are really, really good and I really could not be happier right now. Life in general is good, much, much better than it had been that is for damn sure. I'm happy, smiling, going out with friends, having fun, living life, being loved again and in love again. All of which I'm so incredibly grateful for you have no idea. Then one night last week while I was at home alone I went to pay a bill and looked at the date. Then a small little "wave" of emotion hit me. It was February 20, a date that has no specific meaning to me. Then, all of a sudden it dawned on me, February 18, 2011 had come and gone without me even noticing, without me even giving the date a second thought. My stomach hit the floor, February 18, 2011 marked two and a half years since Shawn's death and I didn't even realize that it had passed. I felt awful. When Shawn first died I counted every hour, then every day, then every week. It moved onto me counting months, then years. At every six month mark I remembered the day and then at this last six month mark, I did nothing. I didn't even realize that it had passes. It made me mad feeling, a little guilty feeling, and a little ashamed feeling. I sat on the couch and talked myself out of a major meltdown. I turned on the T.V and watched some major trash to get my mind off of the fact that I did not acknowledge the two and a half year mark. I went to bed later that night and told myself that it was "okay" that I had not acknowledged the day.
The next morning I woke up and was in a great mood. I went to work and did my day to day routine. I got in my car on my lunch break, turned on the radio and heard the song by Faith Hill from the Pearl Harbor Soundtrack, "There You'll Be" That song totally reminds me of Shawn, the lyrics are my life. I then sat in my car and bawled. I was missing Shawn plain and simple. Don't get me wrong. I think about Shawn every. single. day. I repeat...every single day I think about him. I will always, til the day I die think about Shawn every single day. But for some reason that day I was thinking a lot about him, even more than I normally do. It was a feeling that I just could not shake for some reason.
I got back from my lunch break and got back into my classroom where I proceed to feed a few babies, put a few babies to sleep and then rock another one to sleep. While rocking her I sat in the chair with a few left over tears streaming down my face. I was wishing that I could see or talk to Shawn again. If even for one minute I wanted to have Shawn wrap his arms around me. I wanted him to hold me, just for one more time and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to be able to smell his skin, feel his skin. I wanted to be able to look into his eyes and hear his voice. I just wanted to be with him. I know this will happen from time to time and I'm guessing it probably always will. No matter what happens in my life, or how happy I am, I know that I will always miss Shawn. I also know that sometimes the grief and sad feelings will hit me when I least expect it.
People around me had no idea of my feelings. I have gotten really good at being "strong" and not letting on to people when something is bothering me. Only two people knew that day that I was off feeling and they were Jennie and Meg. I ended up texting both of them because I was just that sad feeling. As usually both of them were 100% supportive and understanding. They both told me that days like that would still happen. Which I know, and I have also come to accept that waves of emotions come when you least expect them too. I have learned that grief hits you when you don't really think it will. I've also learned that is when grief likes to take a bit out of you...when things are going good. I think it does that just to mess with you. Not like becoming a widow at 30 doesn't mess with you enough. Grief sucks! It always will!
I really only felt like this for a day and a half. It wasn't like I was constantly sad, or crying, or in a funk. It was more like I was sad in the back of my mind if that makes any sense at all. I still went about my day to day life and like I said, nobody even noticed.
I have also learned that it the two and a half years since Shawn has been gone that life does get better. That is something I for sure did not believe in the beginning. It's something I did not even want to believe. However, it has and I'm so blessed and grateful for that. I'm so happy that I have found Ry and that I have him and his two amazing children in my life. I'm happy that we have made our own little family even though it's not the "traditional" family. I'm happy that I have met an amazing group of new friends. I'm happy that I can now once again look forward to my future and what it has in store for me. I have also realized that I'm incredibly lucky to be able to love two great men. Two great men who also love me, two great men who have each taught me different things about life. I love each Ry and Shawn so so much.
I have also learned that even though I love Ry and my "new life" and "new normal" it does not mean that I will EVER stop loving Shawn. At two and a half years I've realized that it is okay and will always be okay to miss Shawn and to have days where I want him back.
Two and a half years has gone by. I still remember the day of August 18, 2008 like it was yesterday. Details of that day are forever etched in my mind, they will always be with me. Even though it feels like yesterday in another way it feels like way more than two and a half years. In many ways it feels like 100 years. So much of my life has changed, nothing is the same in my life as it was that day. A lot has changed for the better and I'm so grateful for that.
Two and a half years has gone by since I have lost the one and only man I thought I would ever love. But because of his love and what he taught me during our time together and the type of relationship that Shawn and I had I am able to now love another amazing man again. Loving another man is something I never thought would be possible.
Two and a half years...seems like yesterday...seems like a lifetime ago...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"It Will Be Okay"
It has been a while sine I have written a "deep" post so I figured why not jump right in with my second post of 2011. Before any of you get all worried and think something bad has happened let me assure you, I am okay, I am good, actually I'm pretty great. Life is good and I'm happy to be able to tell you all that. Ry and I are doing amazing, we had a wonderful first Christmas together, and a terrific New Years. I'm so happy and grateful to actually be happy again!
I have been kind of working on this post in my head for a while now. I had the thoughts and the ideas, but I just didn't really know how to put it all into words, well words that would make sense anyways. I still don't know if this will come out heat all sounding right, but I figure I will give it my best shot. Recently a few things have "happened" to me making me think I can put this into words. One being within the last few weeks a few people have been asking me how I have gotten myself to the point I am today. How did I get through one of the worst things a person can ever imagine going through in their life and at two and a half years later be okay with things. One of the Mom's in my classroom and I were talking yesterday, she knew about Shawn passing away but had no idea about my miscarriage until we were talking and it got brought up. She looked at me and said, "Oh my, you really went through so much in such a short amount of time" All, I could do was look at her, shake my head, and say, "Yes, I did, it was awful, it still is awful, the worst thing in my life I have ever gone through, but I'm okay now." She just looked at me and with tears in her eyes she said, "I'm so glad that you are okay now"
The second this is a few weeks ago we were at Ry's parents house talking about Ry's Aunt who suddenly lost her husband of 23 years. They were talking about how she was doing. How she and her kids got through Christmas and how they were coping with the changes of not having their Dad/Husband. All I could do was sit there and think of what I was doing eight weeks after Shawn's death. I was and absolute, total 100% hot mess. I feel for his Aunt, my heart hurts for her because I know exactly what she is feeling, and what she is going through, the pain, and it is not fun at all. As we were all talking different family members were saying that they hope and pray that she would be okay. I joined into the conversation, shared a few things about my whole grief process and told them that she would be okay, but that it takes time and lots of it for her to be okay or to even get to that point. After I said it though I got to thinking...how do I know she will be okay, I don't. I'm knew to the family, I have only known her for a year. I really have no idea how she is grieving or what she is or is not doing to get to that point. All I know is what I did and what I went through. Just because I am okay, doesn't necessarily mean that she will be. It's all in the person and what the person wants.
Finally, last night I was watching Oprah (I really don't know why because I can not stand her) but for some reason the title of the show caught my attention. It was called "It Will Be Okay" the majority of the show dealt with a husband and wife who tragically lost their two daughters and one son ages, 5, 4, and 2 in horrible car accident in which the wife was driving the family car and a semi truck rammed into the back end killing all three children instantly. I can not even begin to imagine a loss of that magnitude. The show was about them and how even in the worst moment of their life they came together, leaned on each other and got to the point three years later where they are now "okay" again. I sat their watching the show, listening to them talk with tears in my eyes. I was relating everything that they were saying to losing Shawn.
As a wife my worst fear ever was losing my husband and being left alone with out him. As a parent I would imagine your worst fear is losing your child or worse yet your children. Things happen in life that will never and can never be explained. Unfortunately, people lose their spouses and their children every single day, it's just a cruel reality of life. However, like the family on Oprah, I grieved, I cried, I yelled, I got angry and I doubted a lot of life for a long time. Like the couple I also slept a lot. I hated going to sleep and I hated waking up, but when I was sleeping I was so grateful because in that state of sleep was the only time I did not feel any pain. When I was sleeping it was like what I was going through was not real. Also Like the couple I finally reached a point where I began to realize things and look at things in a different way. I had to start looking at my life, my old life with Shawn, and my new life without Shawn in a different way or else I seriously was going to go crazy. While I loved sitting at my parents house in Shawn's old clothes, it was really beginning to take a toll on me. I've mentioned this before on my blog, but at around six months after Shawn died I really began to grieve. Months six through nine for me were even worse than the first few weeks after his death. The shock was gone and reality was sinking in more and more every day. So like the couple on Oprah, I felt the pain. I felt the good, the bad, the ugly and the awful. I think I was afraid to do that before because I was afraid to "crack" Now, in reality, I think you have to crack to be able to be okay down the road. You have to face it, you have to feel it because other wise you are just masking it and will never get to that okay point. Hell, at two and a half years I'm still feeling it, and I will always still feel it.
In order to be "okay" you have to get to the point where you begin to smile when you look at pictures or talk about the person you have lost. At first I needed to have pictures of Shawn and I up. I felt like I needed them up because I was worried about forgetting. I still have pictures of Shawn and I but I now know that I will never forget what was. I now look at the pictures and smile when I think of all the good and even bad times that the two of us shared and I'm grateful for each and every one of them. Yes, I'm even grateful for the bad ones. The couple on Oprah also said the same thing. Looking at pictures of their children know brings a smile to their face and reminds them of their family.
Another interesting thing that the couple said was that you have to learn to integrate the people who died into your new life. When you are head deep in grief you don't want to admit it, but you are still living, you are not the one who died, your life has to go on. As each day passes you learn to do that, it's a long painful process but you learn it. You also learn how to make the person you lost part of your new life. Traditions and special occasions will never be the same without that person, but they can still be special and meaningful. As time goes, you will find new ways to feel your loved one with you. I don't know really how to explain that any more it's just something that kind of happens. I guess more than anything as you heal you really start to "feel" that person their with you and that feeling comforts you more than you can imagine.
Another interesting thing the couple said was that you have to learn to focus on the life of the person that died instead of focusing on the day they died. For the longest time after Shawn died it was all about the day he died, the way he died and how it could have been prevented. I counted the hours, the days, the weeks, the months that went by without him. I was focusing on what was missing in my life without him being their with me. As more time went on I started talking more and more about Shawn and his life. I realized that talking about him made me smile, it brought comfort to me. Also by talking about him other people were also remembering him. People forgetting Shawn was and still is one of my biggest fears. He was such and amazing wonderful man and I don't want people to forget him. Talking about his life and how he lived his life brought a smile to my face instead of always focusing on the day everything changed. This also gives you a chance to remember and reflect on the good times you had with that person.
I guess too when you go through something in life that you have feared, something you don't think is imaginable to get through, something you don't even want to live through makes you look at life in a totally different way. You learn to appreciate the here and now instead of what is a head. You learn to slow down and take things one day at a time. Now, while I still think a head and probably a little too far at times I have learned to enjoy each day more than I ever did before. Ry, has also helped me a great deal with that. I've said this before too, but I really think Shawn was put in my life to help me in so many different ways. He taught me things about myself that I never knew. Things that I would never have figured out had I not gone through the loss of him.
The final segment on Oprah with the couple was them talking about their life today, their life without their three beautiful children. The mom said, "Yes, we lost our children, life today is incredibly different than it was then, our life will never be the same, but we are happy and okay again and that is the important thing."
I also know today my life is entirely different that it was two and a half years ago. My life is way different now than it was last year at this point and time thanks to Ry and his kids. My life has changed, it's different but that for one second does not mean that I do not love Shawn. I still love Shawn with all of my heart, I still think about him every single day. What it means is through my grief, and through grieving I am okay. Yes, I lost my husband, four weeks after his funeral I miscarried our first baby, but I'm grateful for the life that I had, and for my life now. My life will never again be the same, but I am happy and okay and that is the important thing!!!
****Side note to the couple on Oprah
I can not remember the exact time line but shortly after the loss of their three children, she found out she was pregnant again. With triplets....two girls and a boy. Each of whom share the same middle name of each of their sisters and brother in heaven.
I have been kind of working on this post in my head for a while now. I had the thoughts and the ideas, but I just didn't really know how to put it all into words, well words that would make sense anyways. I still don't know if this will come out heat all sounding right, but I figure I will give it my best shot. Recently a few things have "happened" to me making me think I can put this into words. One being within the last few weeks a few people have been asking me how I have gotten myself to the point I am today. How did I get through one of the worst things a person can ever imagine going through in their life and at two and a half years later be okay with things. One of the Mom's in my classroom and I were talking yesterday, she knew about Shawn passing away but had no idea about my miscarriage until we were talking and it got brought up. She looked at me and said, "Oh my, you really went through so much in such a short amount of time" All, I could do was look at her, shake my head, and say, "Yes, I did, it was awful, it still is awful, the worst thing in my life I have ever gone through, but I'm okay now." She just looked at me and with tears in her eyes she said, "I'm so glad that you are okay now"
The second this is a few weeks ago we were at Ry's parents house talking about Ry's Aunt who suddenly lost her husband of 23 years. They were talking about how she was doing. How she and her kids got through Christmas and how they were coping with the changes of not having their Dad/Husband. All I could do was sit there and think of what I was doing eight weeks after Shawn's death. I was and absolute, total 100% hot mess. I feel for his Aunt, my heart hurts for her because I know exactly what she is feeling, and what she is going through, the pain, and it is not fun at all. As we were all talking different family members were saying that they hope and pray that she would be okay. I joined into the conversation, shared a few things about my whole grief process and told them that she would be okay, but that it takes time and lots of it for her to be okay or to even get to that point. After I said it though I got to thinking...how do I know she will be okay, I don't. I'm knew to the family, I have only known her for a year. I really have no idea how she is grieving or what she is or is not doing to get to that point. All I know is what I did and what I went through. Just because I am okay, doesn't necessarily mean that she will be. It's all in the person and what the person wants.
Finally, last night I was watching Oprah (I really don't know why because I can not stand her) but for some reason the title of the show caught my attention. It was called "It Will Be Okay" the majority of the show dealt with a husband and wife who tragically lost their two daughters and one son ages, 5, 4, and 2 in horrible car accident in which the wife was driving the family car and a semi truck rammed into the back end killing all three children instantly. I can not even begin to imagine a loss of that magnitude. The show was about them and how even in the worst moment of their life they came together, leaned on each other and got to the point three years later where they are now "okay" again. I sat their watching the show, listening to them talk with tears in my eyes. I was relating everything that they were saying to losing Shawn.
As a wife my worst fear ever was losing my husband and being left alone with out him. As a parent I would imagine your worst fear is losing your child or worse yet your children. Things happen in life that will never and can never be explained. Unfortunately, people lose their spouses and their children every single day, it's just a cruel reality of life. However, like the family on Oprah, I grieved, I cried, I yelled, I got angry and I doubted a lot of life for a long time. Like the couple I also slept a lot. I hated going to sleep and I hated waking up, but when I was sleeping I was so grateful because in that state of sleep was the only time I did not feel any pain. When I was sleeping it was like what I was going through was not real. Also Like the couple I finally reached a point where I began to realize things and look at things in a different way. I had to start looking at my life, my old life with Shawn, and my new life without Shawn in a different way or else I seriously was going to go crazy. While I loved sitting at my parents house in Shawn's old clothes, it was really beginning to take a toll on me. I've mentioned this before on my blog, but at around six months after Shawn died I really began to grieve. Months six through nine for me were even worse than the first few weeks after his death. The shock was gone and reality was sinking in more and more every day. So like the couple on Oprah, I felt the pain. I felt the good, the bad, the ugly and the awful. I think I was afraid to do that before because I was afraid to "crack" Now, in reality, I think you have to crack to be able to be okay down the road. You have to face it, you have to feel it because other wise you are just masking it and will never get to that okay point. Hell, at two and a half years I'm still feeling it, and I will always still feel it.
In order to be "okay" you have to get to the point where you begin to smile when you look at pictures or talk about the person you have lost. At first I needed to have pictures of Shawn and I up. I felt like I needed them up because I was worried about forgetting. I still have pictures of Shawn and I but I now know that I will never forget what was. I now look at the pictures and smile when I think of all the good and even bad times that the two of us shared and I'm grateful for each and every one of them. Yes, I'm even grateful for the bad ones. The couple on Oprah also said the same thing. Looking at pictures of their children know brings a smile to their face and reminds them of their family.
Another interesting thing that the couple said was that you have to learn to integrate the people who died into your new life. When you are head deep in grief you don't want to admit it, but you are still living, you are not the one who died, your life has to go on. As each day passes you learn to do that, it's a long painful process but you learn it. You also learn how to make the person you lost part of your new life. Traditions and special occasions will never be the same without that person, but they can still be special and meaningful. As time goes, you will find new ways to feel your loved one with you. I don't know really how to explain that any more it's just something that kind of happens. I guess more than anything as you heal you really start to "feel" that person their with you and that feeling comforts you more than you can imagine.
Another interesting thing the couple said was that you have to learn to focus on the life of the person that died instead of focusing on the day they died. For the longest time after Shawn died it was all about the day he died, the way he died and how it could have been prevented. I counted the hours, the days, the weeks, the months that went by without him. I was focusing on what was missing in my life without him being their with me. As more time went on I started talking more and more about Shawn and his life. I realized that talking about him made me smile, it brought comfort to me. Also by talking about him other people were also remembering him. People forgetting Shawn was and still is one of my biggest fears. He was such and amazing wonderful man and I don't want people to forget him. Talking about his life and how he lived his life brought a smile to my face instead of always focusing on the day everything changed. This also gives you a chance to remember and reflect on the good times you had with that person.
I guess too when you go through something in life that you have feared, something you don't think is imaginable to get through, something you don't even want to live through makes you look at life in a totally different way. You learn to appreciate the here and now instead of what is a head. You learn to slow down and take things one day at a time. Now, while I still think a head and probably a little too far at times I have learned to enjoy each day more than I ever did before. Ry, has also helped me a great deal with that. I've said this before too, but I really think Shawn was put in my life to help me in so many different ways. He taught me things about myself that I never knew. Things that I would never have figured out had I not gone through the loss of him.
The final segment on Oprah with the couple was them talking about their life today, their life without their three beautiful children. The mom said, "Yes, we lost our children, life today is incredibly different than it was then, our life will never be the same, but we are happy and okay again and that is the important thing."
I also know today my life is entirely different that it was two and a half years ago. My life is way different now than it was last year at this point and time thanks to Ry and his kids. My life has changed, it's different but that for one second does not mean that I do not love Shawn. I still love Shawn with all of my heart, I still think about him every single day. What it means is through my grief, and through grieving I am okay. Yes, I lost my husband, four weeks after his funeral I miscarried our first baby, but I'm grateful for the life that I had, and for my life now. My life will never again be the same, but I am happy and okay and that is the important thing!!!
****Side note to the couple on Oprah
I can not remember the exact time line but shortly after the loss of their three children, she found out she was pregnant again. With triplets....two girls and a boy. Each of whom share the same middle name of each of their sisters and brother in heaven.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Two Years Has Passed
Before I get to this post I want to say a HUGE thank you to those of you who left me such sweet comments on my last post. You all were so thoughtful. I also want to thank those of you who sent me texts, emailed, left me messages on FaceBook and called me on Wednesday. Once again I was shocked by the love and support of my readers. You all made a very difficult day not so difficult. Thank you for thinking of me and being there for me. I will say it again, the blogging world has some really great amazing people in it! So once again thank you for all the words and comments!
So as most of you all know Wednesday was the second year anniversary of Shawn's death. I have to be totally honest with you all and say it was not nearly as bad as last year. Last year the week or so before the actual day I started getting really nervous, and had this panicky feeling that really never left me. I didn't experience those feelings this year. Everyone kept asking me how they thought I would do and to again be honest I really didn't know how I would handle the day. I've learned in the last two years that the grief sometimes comes out of no where and sometimes the "big days" aren't the days where you feel it the most. I've also learned that you never know what emotions you will experience on any given day. Ry and I were talking on Tuesday night and he also asked me how I thought I would be. I just looked at him and told him I really didn't know, but that I was feeling okay about it. He said that maybe every year will get a bit easier and that maybe time does heal and that's why I was feeling more peaceful about the anniversary this year. If someone would have told me time heals last year I think I would have lost it on them. When the grief is that fresh and knew that is just not something you want to hear. It's true though and now at two years I do believe it. Time does heal, more than anything time gives you the means to deal with your grief in different ways.
Wednesday morning I woke up and just like two years ago it was a bright sunny day with a beautiful blue sky. It was like that last year as well. The second I opened my eyes on Wednesday I was fully aware of what day it was, but for some reason I didn't have that feeling of doom like I did last year and I was so grateful for that. I told Ry that I wanted the day to be as normal as possible. So I slept in a little, got up, got something to eat and then sat down on the couch to watch TV for a while. Then I turned on my computer, messed around on FaceBook and read a few blogs. Still feeling good about the day. Then I checked my email and noticed that I had an email from Jennie. Last year I swear to you she called me every hour on the hour to check on me all day long. It was so very sweet of her. Her email said that she had forgotten her cell phone so she wouldn't be able to talk during the day, but I was to email her if I needed anything at all. She told me she loved me and it was okay to feel however I needed to feel. She told me that it's okay to miss Shawn, to cry (which you all know I hate doing), and that she was proud of me for how far I've come in two years. Yes, you guessed it after reading that I got a little teary, she seriously is one of my best friends ever!
Almost as soon as I got done reading her email I got a text on my phone. Much to my surprise it was a text from Ry. Not that I was surprised that he texted me, because we text each other on and off all day, but I'm the one who always, everyday sends him a good morning text first, and then he will send one back. But on Wednesday he beat me. His text was so sweet, he wanted to know how I was doing so far and to tell me that he was thinking about me and that if I needed anything I could call him. He told me that he is always here for me and not to be afraid to talk to him, then he said he loved me lots and would see me after work. Well that text did it and after I read it I totally busted out crying. A sweet email from Jennie and a text from Ry was all it took. At that moment I just kind of felt a little overwhelmed and a bit emotional. I had two of the best people ever showing me their love and support. I knew Ry was going to be great on that day, he has all the other important days. But at the same time I wasn't sure if Wednesday was going to be weird for him. Once again, he stepped up was totally great the entire day and was amazing. I'm so lucky to have found a man who "gets" what I have been through and is supportive and understanding of it all.
After I had my brief crying sting, I got in the shower and headed out to the cemetery. On the way one of my other best friends Meg called to check up on me and see how I was doing. So we talked on my drive to the cemetery. Just like last year I took out a bouquet of yellow roses and placed them on Shawn's grave. I only stayed for about 10 minutes but I took that time and talked to Shawn. I told him that I missed him, will always miss him and will always love him. I thanked him for helping me become who I am today, I also thanked him for sending Ryan to me and told him that Ry treats me really well and that I thought the two of them would get along great. I sat there and told him that there is still this part of me that knows this is real but there is still a part of me that can't believe that it has been two years. Then for a while I just sat there in silence and thought about how much my life has changed in the last two years. I thought about how much my life has changed within this last year as well. I have done so many things in the last year that it's kind of mind blowing. (This is a post for another day) I sat there and thought and just sort of smiled to myself for living through the last two years. I've learned so much about myself that I would have never had figured out had all this not happened. Before I left the cemetery I again told Shawn that I loved him and thanked him for always watching over me.
After I left the cemetery I met my friend for lunch. (She lost her husband two weeks after Shawn died in an auto accident.) We had a great day, talked about how far we had each came and how we are now living our life, but keeping the memories of our late husbands alive. We laughed, we talked, and yes in the middle of the restaurant we both cried. It was so nice to be able to spend some time with somebody who totally gets every emotion you are feeling and is able to relate to everything you are going through. After our lunch I went to the mall to buy another UofM t-shirt. Remember last year when I did that. Well I decided that it was going to be my yearly tradition. Every August 18, I'm going to buy myself a UofM t-shirt. I think Shawn would get a kick out of this, and hey I get a new t-shirt out of the deal ;)
Later in the early evening we went to Ry's parents house for dinner. His entire family was amazing and all greeted me with a hug and asked how I had been. Ry's family is wonderful! After dinner we took the kids back to their mom's house and Ry asked if I wanted to go out or if I wanted to stay at home for the night. I told him that I wanted to go out. So with that we changed our clothes and met one of his friends for his birthday. We ended up having a great time, and laughed a lot. It felt good to laugh like that.
I talked to my family, friends and a few of Shawn's friends on and off all day long. I'm so blessed to have these amazing people in my life. Everyone was wonderful and totally supportive! All in all the day was not all that bad. I mean it sucked, and August 18 will always be a hard day, but it for sure was not as hard as it was last year. I don't know why either and that is something that I have questioned the last few days. Is it a bad thing that this year wasn't as hard? Have I gone on living to quickly? I've done what has felt right every step of the way so I don't really think that is it. Maybe because I have Ry in my life now and I'm in a totally different place than I was last year. Or maybe because it has been another full year and I have figured more of me out and have figured out ways and outlets to deal with the grief. Either way I'm grateful that Wednesday wasn't horrible. I'm actually kind of pleased that know I can mark this hard day with more smiles and memories than with tears and sadness. After all, this day is when Shawn died and we all know that, but I don't have to only focus on that. I can smile, laugh and remember the good times with Shawn as well.
So as most of you all know Wednesday was the second year anniversary of Shawn's death. I have to be totally honest with you all and say it was not nearly as bad as last year. Last year the week or so before the actual day I started getting really nervous, and had this panicky feeling that really never left me. I didn't experience those feelings this year. Everyone kept asking me how they thought I would do and to again be honest I really didn't know how I would handle the day. I've learned in the last two years that the grief sometimes comes out of no where and sometimes the "big days" aren't the days where you feel it the most. I've also learned that you never know what emotions you will experience on any given day. Ry and I were talking on Tuesday night and he also asked me how I thought I would be. I just looked at him and told him I really didn't know, but that I was feeling okay about it. He said that maybe every year will get a bit easier and that maybe time does heal and that's why I was feeling more peaceful about the anniversary this year. If someone would have told me time heals last year I think I would have lost it on them. When the grief is that fresh and knew that is just not something you want to hear. It's true though and now at two years I do believe it. Time does heal, more than anything time gives you the means to deal with your grief in different ways.
Wednesday morning I woke up and just like two years ago it was a bright sunny day with a beautiful blue sky. It was like that last year as well. The second I opened my eyes on Wednesday I was fully aware of what day it was, but for some reason I didn't have that feeling of doom like I did last year and I was so grateful for that. I told Ry that I wanted the day to be as normal as possible. So I slept in a little, got up, got something to eat and then sat down on the couch to watch TV for a while. Then I turned on my computer, messed around on FaceBook and read a few blogs. Still feeling good about the day. Then I checked my email and noticed that I had an email from Jennie. Last year I swear to you she called me every hour on the hour to check on me all day long. It was so very sweet of her. Her email said that she had forgotten her cell phone so she wouldn't be able to talk during the day, but I was to email her if I needed anything at all. She told me she loved me and it was okay to feel however I needed to feel. She told me that it's okay to miss Shawn, to cry (which you all know I hate doing), and that she was proud of me for how far I've come in two years. Yes, you guessed it after reading that I got a little teary, she seriously is one of my best friends ever!
Almost as soon as I got done reading her email I got a text on my phone. Much to my surprise it was a text from Ry. Not that I was surprised that he texted me, because we text each other on and off all day, but I'm the one who always, everyday sends him a good morning text first, and then he will send one back. But on Wednesday he beat me. His text was so sweet, he wanted to know how I was doing so far and to tell me that he was thinking about me and that if I needed anything I could call him. He told me that he is always here for me and not to be afraid to talk to him, then he said he loved me lots and would see me after work. Well that text did it and after I read it I totally busted out crying. A sweet email from Jennie and a text from Ry was all it took. At that moment I just kind of felt a little overwhelmed and a bit emotional. I had two of the best people ever showing me their love and support. I knew Ry was going to be great on that day, he has all the other important days. But at the same time I wasn't sure if Wednesday was going to be weird for him. Once again, he stepped up was totally great the entire day and was amazing. I'm so lucky to have found a man who "gets" what I have been through and is supportive and understanding of it all.
After I had my brief crying sting, I got in the shower and headed out to the cemetery. On the way one of my other best friends Meg called to check up on me and see how I was doing. So we talked on my drive to the cemetery. Just like last year I took out a bouquet of yellow roses and placed them on Shawn's grave. I only stayed for about 10 minutes but I took that time and talked to Shawn. I told him that I missed him, will always miss him and will always love him. I thanked him for helping me become who I am today, I also thanked him for sending Ryan to me and told him that Ry treats me really well and that I thought the two of them would get along great. I sat there and told him that there is still this part of me that knows this is real but there is still a part of me that can't believe that it has been two years. Then for a while I just sat there in silence and thought about how much my life has changed in the last two years. I thought about how much my life has changed within this last year as well. I have done so many things in the last year that it's kind of mind blowing. (This is a post for another day) I sat there and thought and just sort of smiled to myself for living through the last two years. I've learned so much about myself that I would have never had figured out had all this not happened. Before I left the cemetery I again told Shawn that I loved him and thanked him for always watching over me.
After I left the cemetery I met my friend for lunch. (She lost her husband two weeks after Shawn died in an auto accident.) We had a great day, talked about how far we had each came and how we are now living our life, but keeping the memories of our late husbands alive. We laughed, we talked, and yes in the middle of the restaurant we both cried. It was so nice to be able to spend some time with somebody who totally gets every emotion you are feeling and is able to relate to everything you are going through. After our lunch I went to the mall to buy another UofM t-shirt. Remember last year when I did that. Well I decided that it was going to be my yearly tradition. Every August 18, I'm going to buy myself a UofM t-shirt. I think Shawn would get a kick out of this, and hey I get a new t-shirt out of the deal ;)
Later in the early evening we went to Ry's parents house for dinner. His entire family was amazing and all greeted me with a hug and asked how I had been. Ry's family is wonderful! After dinner we took the kids back to their mom's house and Ry asked if I wanted to go out or if I wanted to stay at home for the night. I told him that I wanted to go out. So with that we changed our clothes and met one of his friends for his birthday. We ended up having a great time, and laughed a lot. It felt good to laugh like that.
I talked to my family, friends and a few of Shawn's friends on and off all day long. I'm so blessed to have these amazing people in my life. Everyone was wonderful and totally supportive! All in all the day was not all that bad. I mean it sucked, and August 18 will always be a hard day, but it for sure was not as hard as it was last year. I don't know why either and that is something that I have questioned the last few days. Is it a bad thing that this year wasn't as hard? Have I gone on living to quickly? I've done what has felt right every step of the way so I don't really think that is it. Maybe because I have Ry in my life now and I'm in a totally different place than I was last year. Or maybe because it has been another full year and I have figured more of me out and have figured out ways and outlets to deal with the grief. Either way I'm grateful that Wednesday wasn't horrible. I'm actually kind of pleased that know I can mark this hard day with more smiles and memories than with tears and sadness. After all, this day is when Shawn died and we all know that, but I don't have to only focus on that. I can smile, laugh and remember the good times with Shawn as well.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Story of The Day It All Changed
I do not think that I have ever shared with you the events of the day Shawn died. I wanted to post about it a few different times but for some reason just never did. With next Wednesday marking the second year of his death I thought it might be a good time to share it with you.
I woke up the morning of the 18, sick and had this awful gut wrenching feeling I just could not shake. I was only six weeks pregnant but I was already having awful morning (I mean all day sickness) I woke up and ran into the bathroom and tried to throw up, but only stood at the toilet dry heaving for about twenty minutes. Shorty after I was in the bathroom Shawn came in there with me. He stood behind me and held my hair back for me as I was getting sick. How sweet right? Once I was okay he told me to go out to the couch and he would bring me a cold wash cloth for my face. A few seconds later he came out to the couch with the wash cloth and a small glass of grape Gatorade. He sat down with me, rubbed my back and said, "I need to start feeling better so I can take better care of you and our baby" (He had not been feeling well for a few weeks and was in and out of the Dr.) I smiled at him and told him that he was taking great care of us. For the last ten days he got me everything I needed and wanted every time I needed or wanted it. With that we both got up off of the couch and got ready for work. By that time the nausea had started to pass a little bit, but I still could not shake an "off" feeling that I had woken up with.
As I was getting ready for work, Shawn ate a little bit of breakfast (yes, I still remember what he ate that day) Right before he left for work he yelled to me in the bathroom and told me he was getting ready to leave. I met him in the hallway and told him to have a good day. I then walked him out to his car, something I rarely did, but felt like I needed to do for some reason that day. We gave each other a kiss and told each other we loved each other. Shawn then leaned over, kissed me on the forehead and kissed his hand and them put it on my stomach. I then turned and walked back inside to finish getting ready for work. As he pulled out of the driveway I stopped, turned around and waved at him one last time. That was the last time I would ever see him alive, the last time I would get a kiss my him, and the last time I would feel the warmth of his hand on my back.
I went back inside and finished getting ready for work. It was a beautiful, sunny, bright blue sky, hot summer morning. I got in my car and started my 20 minute drive to work. I always listed to the radio in the car, I can not stand to drive in silence. However, on this day for some strange reason I decided to turn the radio off and drive in silence. I still couldn't shake the bad feeling that I was having. Deep down I really felt like something was going to happen to Shawn. I remember not wanting him to go to work that morning, and I remember feeling that we should have stayed home together that morning. Anyways, I drove to work and before I knew it I found myself praying that everything would be okay and that Shawn would be just fine. Shawn was supposed to have another doctors appointment that night and for some reason I was just terrified that the doctor was going to tell us he had cancer, a tumor or something like that. Like I said I just had an odd not good feeling that I could not shake. I was supposed to watch my friend Lora's little boy that night, but had decided that I wanted to stay at home with Shawn after he got home from work. So before I got out of my car, I called and told Lora that I just felt that I needed to be at home and that I would not be able to watch Luca for her. I still had that very uneasy feeling, but knew I needed to snap out of it because once I got into my classroom I would have nine three year olds needing my full attention.
Around 9:30 I was able to "sneak" a call to Shawn. I just wanted to hear his voice and see how he was feeling. We only talked for a little while but things were not going so well during practice so he had to go. We quickly said we loved each other and would talk more at lunch time. That was the last time I would hear his voice, the last time I would hear him say that he loved me. I took the kids in my classroom outside to play for a little while, then at about 10:15 my phone rang and it was Brian, the one coach who was Shawn's assistant and like his little brother. When I saw his number come up on my phone I instantly knew something was wrong. I knew Brian would not call me during working hours unless there was a problem. I answered the phone and without even saying hello I asked what was wrong. He asked me where I was at. I told him I was working and wanted to know what was wrong. Brian told me I needed to get to the stadium as fast as I could because they thought Shawn had just had a seizure. I told the other teacher on the playground what had happened and told her that I was leaving. With that I left my kids on the playground and headed inside to get my purse and keys. That is when I started freaking out! I knew something was wrong when I woke up that morning. I was scared to death that something awful was going to happen to Shawn. I tried to tell myself that everything was going to be just fine. I mean we had just found out we were going to have a baby, nothing awful could go wrong now. My boss Teressa met me in the hallway and told me she would drive me to the hospital. It was the longest 20 minute drive of my entire life. On the way to the hospital in between talking to Brian I called by Mom to tell her what was going on and that I wanted her and my Dad to come to Youngstown as soon as they could. I also remember telling her that I didn't want Shawn to die. My Mom did her best to calm me down, but I could tell my her voice that she was worried as well. I didn't talk long to her because Brian was calling me back.
As I was waiting for Teressa in the parking lot of our work Brian called me back and asked me how far away I was. I told him I was still about 20 minutes away. I asked him how Shawn was doing and as calmly as he could he told me that people were working on him. I asked him if Shawn was breathing and all he could say is, "Jen, they are working on him right now" Nobody knew that I was pregnant, we wanted to keep it a secret until my first appointment. I decided it was time for Brian to know. I told him he needed to go into Shawn's office (where he had collapsed) and remind him of me and the baby. Then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks....why were people working on him. Did he fall and hit his head or worse....had he stopped breathing. I kept asking Brian how Shawn was doing. Over and over in a matter of seconds I asked him that. I also told Brian not to leave Shawn alone until I could get there. Then I started asking if he was breathing. At that moment I heard people in the room talking to Shawn. I kept hearing, "Shawn, Shawn, can you hear me, can you feel this?" I heard these words from random people. I then started hearing people perform CPR on Shawn. Then minutes later I heard them tell Brian that he had to leave the room. Then I heard somebody in the background yell, "clear" I knew that they were using the AED machine on Shawn and I knew right then it was not good. Once again I asked Brian how Shawn was doing and if he was breathing. All he told me was that they couldn't get his heart to beat at a normal rhythm. I knew that he wasn't breathing, why would they be doing CPR if he was breathing on his own. I kept telling Brian not to let Shawn die, that I needed him and that the baby needed him. Looking back now I feel awful for putting that much pressure on Brian, but I knew that Brian loved him too so somehow it comforted me knowing that Brian was there doing what he could. Then the paramedics started asking Brian all kinds of questions for me to answer. Then Brian told me that they were putting Shawn in the ambulance and I was to meet them at he hospital. At that point I was about five minutes away, so I knew I would be there soon. I asked Brian if he would please ride in the ambulance with Shawn so that he would not be alone. He did, Brian never left Shawn's side or my side that entire day.
As soon as I hung up the phone with Brian we came to a four way stop. It was there sitting at that stop sign that I knew something was drastically wrong. I looked up and at the other stop sign I saw an ambulance. I told Teressa that I thought that was probably the ambulance Shawn was in. She looked at me and said, "Oh honey I don't think that's Shawn's ambulance because there are no lights on it." My entire heart sank, I looked out the window of the car and saw a police car in front of the ambulance. Inside that police car was Coach Heacock, the head football coach at YSU. She was right, the ambulance did not have lights or sirens on. I instantly knew that Shawn had probably died. Our car left the stop sign first and we pulled into the ER parking lot. I jumped out of the car and went into the hospital. Coach Heacock met me at the door. I asked him what was the matter with Shawn and told him that nothing could happen because I was pregnant. I remember he just looked at me with the most awful look on his face. Seconds later Brian came in through the other door. Both Brian and Coach gave me the biggest hug and they each took a side of me and walked me to the waiting room. I told them I didn't want to go anywhere, that I wanted to see Shawn. I remember Coach looking at Brian and shaking his head back and forth and they both held onto me just a bit tighter.
A few seconds after that I saw a nurse and a Dr. wheeling Shawn down this hallway. Somehow, no idea how I broke free of Brian and Coach. The first thing I remember seeing was Shawn's feet. His socks and shoes were off and his feet were so so pale. I remember seeing small purple veins in his feet that I had never seen before. From his feet I remember looking up his body. His shirt was pulled up and there were wires all over his chest. His face was purple and swollen very badly, his eyes were closed, and he had a breathing tube and bag around his mouth and a nurse was pumping the bag, just like you see them do on TV. I went up to him, touched his hand and told him that I loved him. After that Brian, and Coach took me to the waiting room. Brian helped me fill out a bunch of paperwork and we sat back down. It was then that I needed to call one of my best friend's Jennie. I called her, told her I needed her to come to the hospital as soon as she could. Within minutes Jennie was there. On her way she also called our other best fried Lora and told her that she needed to meet us in the ER as soon as she could because she figured I was going to need both of them. Right before Jennie got there a nurse came and got Brian, Coach Heacock, and myself and took us to our own little room. I remember thinking once again that this wasn't a good thing. I remember thinking you only get your own room in a busy ER if a person has died. Once again I thought to myself that this could not be happening because just eight days earlier we had found out we were pregnant. Nothing bad could be happening now.
With Jennie's crazy super powers as a best friend she found us in our room. In the waiting room at that point and time was myself, Coach Heacock, Brian, the hospital Chaplin, and a few of the other football coach's on the staff had started showing up. Jennie came into the room and instantly came and sat down next to me and just held me. I'm not sure but I think she asked me what was wrong. I think I just sat there and shook my head. Seconds after Jennie, arrived two doctors came into the room and sat down on the little couch a crossed from where I was sitting. The doctor asked me a bunch of questions and I answered them. Then he told us all a few more things and I remember just sitting there staring at him. Then he said the words that would forever change my life. He said, "Mrs. Coin, we worked on Shawn for over 45 minutes, we tried everything we could, but I'm sorry your husband died." I started shaking and said to him, "No, no, you need to go back and help him more." I quickly looked around the room and looked at the faces of all my friends and football family in there with me. Everyone had these awful blank gazes on their faces. Instantly Jennie, just wrapped her entire body around me and just held me. She held me while I cried and the two of us just sat and cried for what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes.
After the doctor left I knew I needed to make some phone calls, there were people who needed to know about Shawn. Teressa called my Mom and told her, a nurse called Shawn's parents and told them. Jennie called my other best friend Megan (who lives in Chicago) and told her, and I called another football coach's wife that I had known for years and told her. It was awful telling my family and friends what had happened. After I got off the phone I think I said the worst words that I have ever said in my life. With Jennie's arms still around me, and others still in the room I said, "I don't even want this baby anymore." (please know I so so so did NOT mean that, it was just the shock talking) Jennie just held me harder and said that everything would work out and that our baby would have so many people that loved it. The nurse then asked me how far along I was and I told her about six weeks. If I could take back anything about that day, other than the fact that Shawn died it would be saying those words.
A few minutes later the Chaplin came back into the waiting room and asked if I was ready to see Shawn. I remember thinking I really didn't want to, but knew at the same time that I had to because if I did not I would always regret it. I walked out into the main waiting room and instantly saw Lora and Luca. I took Luca from Lora and gave him a big hug. Then I looked at Lora hugged her and said, "This wasn't supposed to happen like this." She hugged me back and said, "I know, I know." Then the Chaplin asked me if I was ready to go back, I told him yes but I did not want him to go with me. I wanted Brian and one of the other Coach's that Shawn and I were close with to go with me. I left Jennie and Lora side and began the long walk down the hallway. The entire walk both Brian and Antoine held me up. When we were just about to Shawn's room I stopped in the hall and told them I didn't think I could do it. They both held be tighter and told me that I could and that they would both be with me. We walked into the room and to me it just felt cold. I walked in and went up and stood by the bed. I looked at Shawn and he was just laying there with his eyes closed, the tube still in his mouth, and his arms at his side. Minus the tube in his throat I remember thinking that he actually looked very peaceful. I went up to the side of the bed, put my hand on his leg and said, "Bub, what happened? I love you, and so does our baby." I then looked and Brian and Antoine and we left the room. Once again the two of them helped me walk down the hallway.
I got back to the waiting room, looked at Jennie and Lora and said I just wanted to go back home. They both looked at me and said that they would take me home. Jennie, Lora, Luca and Teressa took me back to our house and stayed with me the entire day until my parents got there around 9:30 at night. They seriously were the best friends that anyone could ask for that day!! They still are the best friends I could ask for! Jennie and Lora did so much for me that day, I feel like I will never be able to repay them for all they did for me and have done for me.
The rest of that day is kind of a blur. Friends, coaches, and coaches wives were in and out of my house. I had all the food in the world to eat, but the funny thing was I couldn't stand the sight or smell of any of it. Food was about the LAST thing I wanted. I remember also that people wanted me to try and take a nap. I tried, I really did but every time I closed my eyes I saw Shawn's face on that hospital bed and it was just easier for me to stay up. I also remember getting a phone call from someplace in Cleveland asking me if I wanted to donate Shawn's eyes, or skin to a person who needed them. I know there is a short amount of time for organs to be "harvested" from a person but I seriously don't think I was home for an hour when I had gotten that phone call.
Once I was home Jennie, Lora, Teressa and I just talked on and off during the day. I sat in Shawn's chair the entire day. I even got a dirty t-shirt of his out of the laundry and walked around with it all day long. The day is a blur, but I remember most everything about that day. I remember what I was wearing, what Shawn was wearing and what everyone else had on. I remember the weather, the look on people's faces, the look on their faces when the looked at me. I remember thinking that this could not be happening to me. I remember thinking how could I now be a single mother and a widow at 30 years old. I wished more than anything the events of that day were a dream, but they were not. The events of that day forever changed my life.
One week from tomorrow will be two years since Shawn has been gone. Two years since I have heard his voice and felt his touch. At two years I still think about Shawn every single day, I still love him and always will. He helped make me who I am today. It is so hard for me to think that two years without Shawn is nearing. So many aspects feel like it has been way longer than two years, and in other aspects it feels like just yesterday. The memories of that day are what still are so fresh in my mind.
Like I said at the start of this post. I wanted to share this day with you a while ago, but just did not for some reason. I know it's not a happy post, but something I wanted to share with you all none the less.
I woke up the morning of the 18, sick and had this awful gut wrenching feeling I just could not shake. I was only six weeks pregnant but I was already having awful morning (I mean all day sickness) I woke up and ran into the bathroom and tried to throw up, but only stood at the toilet dry heaving for about twenty minutes. Shorty after I was in the bathroom Shawn came in there with me. He stood behind me and held my hair back for me as I was getting sick. How sweet right? Once I was okay he told me to go out to the couch and he would bring me a cold wash cloth for my face. A few seconds later he came out to the couch with the wash cloth and a small glass of grape Gatorade. He sat down with me, rubbed my back and said, "I need to start feeling better so I can take better care of you and our baby" (He had not been feeling well for a few weeks and was in and out of the Dr.) I smiled at him and told him that he was taking great care of us. For the last ten days he got me everything I needed and wanted every time I needed or wanted it. With that we both got up off of the couch and got ready for work. By that time the nausea had started to pass a little bit, but I still could not shake an "off" feeling that I had woken up with.
As I was getting ready for work, Shawn ate a little bit of breakfast (yes, I still remember what he ate that day) Right before he left for work he yelled to me in the bathroom and told me he was getting ready to leave. I met him in the hallway and told him to have a good day. I then walked him out to his car, something I rarely did, but felt like I needed to do for some reason that day. We gave each other a kiss and told each other we loved each other. Shawn then leaned over, kissed me on the forehead and kissed his hand and them put it on my stomach. I then turned and walked back inside to finish getting ready for work. As he pulled out of the driveway I stopped, turned around and waved at him one last time. That was the last time I would ever see him alive, the last time I would get a kiss my him, and the last time I would feel the warmth of his hand on my back.
I went back inside and finished getting ready for work. It was a beautiful, sunny, bright blue sky, hot summer morning. I got in my car and started my 20 minute drive to work. I always listed to the radio in the car, I can not stand to drive in silence. However, on this day for some strange reason I decided to turn the radio off and drive in silence. I still couldn't shake the bad feeling that I was having. Deep down I really felt like something was going to happen to Shawn. I remember not wanting him to go to work that morning, and I remember feeling that we should have stayed home together that morning. Anyways, I drove to work and before I knew it I found myself praying that everything would be okay and that Shawn would be just fine. Shawn was supposed to have another doctors appointment that night and for some reason I was just terrified that the doctor was going to tell us he had cancer, a tumor or something like that. Like I said I just had an odd not good feeling that I could not shake. I was supposed to watch my friend Lora's little boy that night, but had decided that I wanted to stay at home with Shawn after he got home from work. So before I got out of my car, I called and told Lora that I just felt that I needed to be at home and that I would not be able to watch Luca for her. I still had that very uneasy feeling, but knew I needed to snap out of it because once I got into my classroom I would have nine three year olds needing my full attention.
Around 9:30 I was able to "sneak" a call to Shawn. I just wanted to hear his voice and see how he was feeling. We only talked for a little while but things were not going so well during practice so he had to go. We quickly said we loved each other and would talk more at lunch time. That was the last time I would hear his voice, the last time I would hear him say that he loved me. I took the kids in my classroom outside to play for a little while, then at about 10:15 my phone rang and it was Brian, the one coach who was Shawn's assistant and like his little brother. When I saw his number come up on my phone I instantly knew something was wrong. I knew Brian would not call me during working hours unless there was a problem. I answered the phone and without even saying hello I asked what was wrong. He asked me where I was at. I told him I was working and wanted to know what was wrong. Brian told me I needed to get to the stadium as fast as I could because they thought Shawn had just had a seizure. I told the other teacher on the playground what had happened and told her that I was leaving. With that I left my kids on the playground and headed inside to get my purse and keys. That is when I started freaking out! I knew something was wrong when I woke up that morning. I was scared to death that something awful was going to happen to Shawn. I tried to tell myself that everything was going to be just fine. I mean we had just found out we were going to have a baby, nothing awful could go wrong now. My boss Teressa met me in the hallway and told me she would drive me to the hospital. It was the longest 20 minute drive of my entire life. On the way to the hospital in between talking to Brian I called by Mom to tell her what was going on and that I wanted her and my Dad to come to Youngstown as soon as they could. I also remember telling her that I didn't want Shawn to die. My Mom did her best to calm me down, but I could tell my her voice that she was worried as well. I didn't talk long to her because Brian was calling me back.
As I was waiting for Teressa in the parking lot of our work Brian called me back and asked me how far away I was. I told him I was still about 20 minutes away. I asked him how Shawn was doing and as calmly as he could he told me that people were working on him. I asked him if Shawn was breathing and all he could say is, "Jen, they are working on him right now" Nobody knew that I was pregnant, we wanted to keep it a secret until my first appointment. I decided it was time for Brian to know. I told him he needed to go into Shawn's office (where he had collapsed) and remind him of me and the baby. Then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks....why were people working on him. Did he fall and hit his head or worse....had he stopped breathing. I kept asking Brian how Shawn was doing. Over and over in a matter of seconds I asked him that. I also told Brian not to leave Shawn alone until I could get there. Then I started asking if he was breathing. At that moment I heard people in the room talking to Shawn. I kept hearing, "Shawn, Shawn, can you hear me, can you feel this?" I heard these words from random people. I then started hearing people perform CPR on Shawn. Then minutes later I heard them tell Brian that he had to leave the room. Then I heard somebody in the background yell, "clear" I knew that they were using the AED machine on Shawn and I knew right then it was not good. Once again I asked Brian how Shawn was doing and if he was breathing. All he told me was that they couldn't get his heart to beat at a normal rhythm. I knew that he wasn't breathing, why would they be doing CPR if he was breathing on his own. I kept telling Brian not to let Shawn die, that I needed him and that the baby needed him. Looking back now I feel awful for putting that much pressure on Brian, but I knew that Brian loved him too so somehow it comforted me knowing that Brian was there doing what he could. Then the paramedics started asking Brian all kinds of questions for me to answer. Then Brian told me that they were putting Shawn in the ambulance and I was to meet them at he hospital. At that point I was about five minutes away, so I knew I would be there soon. I asked Brian if he would please ride in the ambulance with Shawn so that he would not be alone. He did, Brian never left Shawn's side or my side that entire day.
As soon as I hung up the phone with Brian we came to a four way stop. It was there sitting at that stop sign that I knew something was drastically wrong. I looked up and at the other stop sign I saw an ambulance. I told Teressa that I thought that was probably the ambulance Shawn was in. She looked at me and said, "Oh honey I don't think that's Shawn's ambulance because there are no lights on it." My entire heart sank, I looked out the window of the car and saw a police car in front of the ambulance. Inside that police car was Coach Heacock, the head football coach at YSU. She was right, the ambulance did not have lights or sirens on. I instantly knew that Shawn had probably died. Our car left the stop sign first and we pulled into the ER parking lot. I jumped out of the car and went into the hospital. Coach Heacock met me at the door. I asked him what was the matter with Shawn and told him that nothing could happen because I was pregnant. I remember he just looked at me with the most awful look on his face. Seconds later Brian came in through the other door. Both Brian and Coach gave me the biggest hug and they each took a side of me and walked me to the waiting room. I told them I didn't want to go anywhere, that I wanted to see Shawn. I remember Coach looking at Brian and shaking his head back and forth and they both held onto me just a bit tighter.
A few seconds after that I saw a nurse and a Dr. wheeling Shawn down this hallway. Somehow, no idea how I broke free of Brian and Coach. The first thing I remember seeing was Shawn's feet. His socks and shoes were off and his feet were so so pale. I remember seeing small purple veins in his feet that I had never seen before. From his feet I remember looking up his body. His shirt was pulled up and there were wires all over his chest. His face was purple and swollen very badly, his eyes were closed, and he had a breathing tube and bag around his mouth and a nurse was pumping the bag, just like you see them do on TV. I went up to him, touched his hand and told him that I loved him. After that Brian, and Coach took me to the waiting room. Brian helped me fill out a bunch of paperwork and we sat back down. It was then that I needed to call one of my best friend's Jennie. I called her, told her I needed her to come to the hospital as soon as she could. Within minutes Jennie was there. On her way she also called our other best fried Lora and told her that she needed to meet us in the ER as soon as she could because she figured I was going to need both of them. Right before Jennie got there a nurse came and got Brian, Coach Heacock, and myself and took us to our own little room. I remember thinking once again that this wasn't a good thing. I remember thinking you only get your own room in a busy ER if a person has died. Once again I thought to myself that this could not be happening because just eight days earlier we had found out we were pregnant. Nothing bad could be happening now.
With Jennie's crazy super powers as a best friend she found us in our room. In the waiting room at that point and time was myself, Coach Heacock, Brian, the hospital Chaplin, and a few of the other football coach's on the staff had started showing up. Jennie came into the room and instantly came and sat down next to me and just held me. I'm not sure but I think she asked me what was wrong. I think I just sat there and shook my head. Seconds after Jennie, arrived two doctors came into the room and sat down on the little couch a crossed from where I was sitting. The doctor asked me a bunch of questions and I answered them. Then he told us all a few more things and I remember just sitting there staring at him. Then he said the words that would forever change my life. He said, "Mrs. Coin, we worked on Shawn for over 45 minutes, we tried everything we could, but I'm sorry your husband died." I started shaking and said to him, "No, no, you need to go back and help him more." I quickly looked around the room and looked at the faces of all my friends and football family in there with me. Everyone had these awful blank gazes on their faces. Instantly Jennie, just wrapped her entire body around me and just held me. She held me while I cried and the two of us just sat and cried for what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes.
After the doctor left I knew I needed to make some phone calls, there were people who needed to know about Shawn. Teressa called my Mom and told her, a nurse called Shawn's parents and told them. Jennie called my other best friend Megan (who lives in Chicago) and told her, and I called another football coach's wife that I had known for years and told her. It was awful telling my family and friends what had happened. After I got off the phone I think I said the worst words that I have ever said in my life. With Jennie's arms still around me, and others still in the room I said, "I don't even want this baby anymore." (please know I so so so did NOT mean that, it was just the shock talking) Jennie just held me harder and said that everything would work out and that our baby would have so many people that loved it. The nurse then asked me how far along I was and I told her about six weeks. If I could take back anything about that day, other than the fact that Shawn died it would be saying those words.
A few minutes later the Chaplin came back into the waiting room and asked if I was ready to see Shawn. I remember thinking I really didn't want to, but knew at the same time that I had to because if I did not I would always regret it. I walked out into the main waiting room and instantly saw Lora and Luca. I took Luca from Lora and gave him a big hug. Then I looked at Lora hugged her and said, "This wasn't supposed to happen like this." She hugged me back and said, "I know, I know." Then the Chaplin asked me if I was ready to go back, I told him yes but I did not want him to go with me. I wanted Brian and one of the other Coach's that Shawn and I were close with to go with me. I left Jennie and Lora side and began the long walk down the hallway. The entire walk both Brian and Antoine held me up. When we were just about to Shawn's room I stopped in the hall and told them I didn't think I could do it. They both held be tighter and told me that I could and that they would both be with me. We walked into the room and to me it just felt cold. I walked in and went up and stood by the bed. I looked at Shawn and he was just laying there with his eyes closed, the tube still in his mouth, and his arms at his side. Minus the tube in his throat I remember thinking that he actually looked very peaceful. I went up to the side of the bed, put my hand on his leg and said, "Bub, what happened? I love you, and so does our baby." I then looked and Brian and Antoine and we left the room. Once again the two of them helped me walk down the hallway.
I got back to the waiting room, looked at Jennie and Lora and said I just wanted to go back home. They both looked at me and said that they would take me home. Jennie, Lora, Luca and Teressa took me back to our house and stayed with me the entire day until my parents got there around 9:30 at night. They seriously were the best friends that anyone could ask for that day!! They still are the best friends I could ask for! Jennie and Lora did so much for me that day, I feel like I will never be able to repay them for all they did for me and have done for me.
The rest of that day is kind of a blur. Friends, coaches, and coaches wives were in and out of my house. I had all the food in the world to eat, but the funny thing was I couldn't stand the sight or smell of any of it. Food was about the LAST thing I wanted. I remember also that people wanted me to try and take a nap. I tried, I really did but every time I closed my eyes I saw Shawn's face on that hospital bed and it was just easier for me to stay up. I also remember getting a phone call from someplace in Cleveland asking me if I wanted to donate Shawn's eyes, or skin to a person who needed them. I know there is a short amount of time for organs to be "harvested" from a person but I seriously don't think I was home for an hour when I had gotten that phone call.
Once I was home Jennie, Lora, Teressa and I just talked on and off during the day. I sat in Shawn's chair the entire day. I even got a dirty t-shirt of his out of the laundry and walked around with it all day long. The day is a blur, but I remember most everything about that day. I remember what I was wearing, what Shawn was wearing and what everyone else had on. I remember the weather, the look on people's faces, the look on their faces when the looked at me. I remember thinking that this could not be happening to me. I remember thinking how could I now be a single mother and a widow at 30 years old. I wished more than anything the events of that day were a dream, but they were not. The events of that day forever changed my life.
One week from tomorrow will be two years since Shawn has been gone. Two years since I have heard his voice and felt his touch. At two years I still think about Shawn every single day, I still love him and always will. He helped make me who I am today. It is so hard for me to think that two years without Shawn is nearing. So many aspects feel like it has been way longer than two years, and in other aspects it feels like just yesterday. The memories of that day are what still are so fresh in my mind.
Like I said at the start of this post. I wanted to share this day with you a while ago, but just did not for some reason. I know it's not a happy post, but something I wanted to share with you all none the less.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Ugh...It's August
I can not believe that today is August 2! This summer has gone by way way way to fast and I really don't want it to be over. I'm so not ready for the cold, snow and gray weather that will be upon us before we know it. I'm such a summer girl, and not a winter girl at all.
As well as the end of summer August also means something else to me. To me August will always remind me of the month that my entire life changed. August 8, 2008 was the day I found out I was pregnant. Thing were great for ten amazing days. Then on August 18, 2008 everything changed in literally one heart beat. As many of you know that is the day Shawn died. My world was rocked, everything I had known came crashing down around me. I had no idea what I was going to do without Shawn. However, I knew I had to keep strong and keep going because of the baby. I made it through Shawn's viewing on August 23 and 24. Made it through packing up our house, and saying good bye to my friends and life in Ohio. Then on August 28 I got another blow. That was the day I found out that the baby did not have a heart beat and I was more than likely going to lose our baby. I remember thinking there was no way that could be possible. How could God, or why would God make me lose Shawn and then our baby?
As it turns out God had other ideas and another journey for me to take. Definitely not the journey that I wanted, but the journey I have been given and I think for the most part have embraced as my new life. I think I have handled everything that has happened to me the best way I knew and in the best way now as I continue on my new journey. I'm so grateful to have had Shawn in my life, if even for a short period of time. I have learned so much about my self since his death. Things that I would have never figured out about me and about life had this not happened to me.
Things with me and Ry are going really really well. I actually couldn't be happier right now. Today actually marks seven months that we have been going out! Once again I'm finally going to bed at night and waking up in the morning with a smile on my face. It feels good to love a man again and it feels so good to be loved back. Once again I'm blessed with another great amazing guy to love. How lucky am I to be loved by two amazing men?
Even though things are 100% amazing with Ry it still doesn't take away the fact that August sucks. It's a hard month and lots of emotions swirl this time of year. I can not believe that 16 days from today will mark the second anniversary of Shawn's death. I have NO idea what to expect on August 18. Last year I knew the day was going to be horrible, I was preparing myself for it to be. As I expected it was, and as usual the days leading up to August 18 were a little harder than the actual day. This year I just don't know what will happen or how I will feel. In a way I can kind of feel the panicky feeling that I had last year before a big day creeping back in a little bit. That is a feeling I haven't had in a long while. In another way I feel as if I will be able to handle it much better this year. I'm in a 100% completely different place this year than I was last year. Then again if the day isn't crazy hard for me does that make me a bad person? I'm just not at all sure how this August 18 is going to be. In one way I can see myself crying all day, but in another way I can see it being a hard day but dealing with it in a different way. I know I will go out to the cemetery how I always do on any big day. I will go out in the morning by myself and do what I do out there and I was thinking about maybe asking Ry if he wants to go back out with me at night. Of course only if he wants too and only if it is something he is comfortable with. (He has never gone out there yet with me) I know I will continue the tradition I started last year and I will buy myself a new UofM t-shirt in honor of Shawn. Other than those two things I really don't know what will happen or how I will be on August 18. I guess as of right now I'm just going to continue to take it a day at a time and see what happens. As usual I know with all the memories of Shawn I have, support of my family, friends, new friends, and Ry I will be able to get through the day as it approaches. But that still doesn't mean I have to like the month of August right? ;)
As well as the end of summer August also means something else to me. To me August will always remind me of the month that my entire life changed. August 8, 2008 was the day I found out I was pregnant. Thing were great for ten amazing days. Then on August 18, 2008 everything changed in literally one heart beat. As many of you know that is the day Shawn died. My world was rocked, everything I had known came crashing down around me. I had no idea what I was going to do without Shawn. However, I knew I had to keep strong and keep going because of the baby. I made it through Shawn's viewing on August 23 and 24. Made it through packing up our house, and saying good bye to my friends and life in Ohio. Then on August 28 I got another blow. That was the day I found out that the baby did not have a heart beat and I was more than likely going to lose our baby. I remember thinking there was no way that could be possible. How could God, or why would God make me lose Shawn and then our baby?
As it turns out God had other ideas and another journey for me to take. Definitely not the journey that I wanted, but the journey I have been given and I think for the most part have embraced as my new life. I think I have handled everything that has happened to me the best way I knew and in the best way now as I continue on my new journey. I'm so grateful to have had Shawn in my life, if even for a short period of time. I have learned so much about my self since his death. Things that I would have never figured out about me and about life had this not happened to me.
Things with me and Ry are going really really well. I actually couldn't be happier right now. Today actually marks seven months that we have been going out! Once again I'm finally going to bed at night and waking up in the morning with a smile on my face. It feels good to love a man again and it feels so good to be loved back. Once again I'm blessed with another great amazing guy to love. How lucky am I to be loved by two amazing men?
Even though things are 100% amazing with Ry it still doesn't take away the fact that August sucks. It's a hard month and lots of emotions swirl this time of year. I can not believe that 16 days from today will mark the second anniversary of Shawn's death. I have NO idea what to expect on August 18. Last year I knew the day was going to be horrible, I was preparing myself for it to be. As I expected it was, and as usual the days leading up to August 18 were a little harder than the actual day. This year I just don't know what will happen or how I will feel. In a way I can kind of feel the panicky feeling that I had last year before a big day creeping back in a little bit. That is a feeling I haven't had in a long while. In another way I feel as if I will be able to handle it much better this year. I'm in a 100% completely different place this year than I was last year. Then again if the day isn't crazy hard for me does that make me a bad person? I'm just not at all sure how this August 18 is going to be. In one way I can see myself crying all day, but in another way I can see it being a hard day but dealing with it in a different way. I know I will go out to the cemetery how I always do on any big day. I will go out in the morning by myself and do what I do out there and I was thinking about maybe asking Ry if he wants to go back out with me at night. Of course only if he wants too and only if it is something he is comfortable with. (He has never gone out there yet with me) I know I will continue the tradition I started last year and I will buy myself a new UofM t-shirt in honor of Shawn. Other than those two things I really don't know what will happen or how I will be on August 18. I guess as of right now I'm just going to continue to take it a day at a time and see what happens. As usual I know with all the memories of Shawn I have, support of my family, friends, new friends, and Ry I will be able to get through the day as it approaches. But that still doesn't mean I have to like the month of August right? ;)
Friday, June 4, 2010
Wow, It's Been Busy and A Whirlwind of Emotions!!
The last few weeks I have done some pretty major things all of which where a touch on the emotional side. However, I'm extremely happy to report that each of the two things that I did turned out extremely well. Actually, I could not have asked for a better outcome on either occasion and I'm so happy that both turned out so well because to say I was nervous about both would be an understatement. Well one of the things I was extremely nervous about and the other one not so much, but both were still pretty big deals. Lets start with two weekends ago. Just a warning, this one might get long so stay with me.
Two weekends ago Mr. X and I had a great weekend, but Saturday in particular was pretty great. His three year old little boy plays soccer on Saturday mornings so as usual we went to the game. The entire team is great and all nine of the kids on the team have improved, but I have to say that Mr. X's little boy is AWESOME!! He scores most of the goals, passes like a pro, dribbles the ball (that's what soccer players call it when they kick the ball) and is an all around great player. I'm telling you the kid is pretty darn amazing at every sport he plays, and believe me when I say we play every sport! It was great getting to watch Mr. X react to his son playing the game as well. He is such a great Daddy! After the soccer game Mr. X and I went to Home Depot to get a few things, then went out to lunch. We only went to Taco Bell, but it was oh-so-yummy! After we came home and watched a movie on TV and were just bums for a while. Then we decided we should probably be a little productive so we decided to go to my storage shed and start cleaning up some things and sorting a few things out. Okay guys, this is where it gets big!
My ENTIRE life with Shawn is in that storage shed. When I moved back to Michigan I put our entire house into that shed, other than a few things I took with me to my parents house. Shawn's clothes, books, pictures, collector's items of Shawn's, our furniture, a box full of baby items that Shawn and I had already gotten, EVERYTHING was in that shed! For a long time I didn't want to go back to the shed because I didn't want all of those memories to smack me in the face. I wasn't sure how it was going to feel walking into all of "that". However, the last few months I have been feeling like I really needed and that it was time to start going through some of those things. When Shawn died I also didn't give one single thing to his family. I know it was probably wrong of me, but I just couldn't do it. I'm pretty sure his parents where hurt and upset by this and it probably ended up putting a little rift between all of us. However, at the time I just could not part with anything that was Shawn's. I didn't care who was getting it, I felt like I needed it and I needed to keep it. At the time I felt like if I gave anything of Shawn's away then I was going to somehow forget part of Shawn. Well, at almost two years I have realized that is not the case. I have realized that my memories aren't in the actual items, but they are in my heart and nobody can take those away from me. I started feeling like maybe it was time to go through some of Shawn's things and to give a few items to Shawn's parents. I talked about this with Mr. X and he was totally AMAZING!!! He told me that he would be there for me and support me every step of the way as well as helping move stuff around in the shed. So after our conversation I made the decision to call Shawn's parents and ask if they would like to meet me at my shed and pick out a few things of Shawn's that they might like. I was fully expecting them to say that they were busy and could not make it out, but to my surprise they told me they were getting in the car and where on their way. Gulp! Okay, hang on to your seats because this is where it gets really BIG!
After I got off the phone with Shawn's parents I called my mom and told her to meet us with the key at the shed and I also told her that I had called his parents and that Mr. X was with me. My parents have met Mr. X before and really like him so I was not at all worried about that. However, this would be the first time that Shawn's parents would be meeting him. I don't really talk to his parents all that often so they did not even know that Mr. X and I had been dating. I was so nervous I could almost feel my heart jumping out of my chest. For a few minutes it was a totally nerve wracking experience. My mom, sister and Mr. X tried to calm me down by encouraging me and told me that everything was going to be okay and that I was doing the right thing by allowing Shawn's parents to have a few of his things. I asked Mr. X if he was going to be okay with meeting Shawn's parents and he told me that he was okay with the situation if I was okay with it. He also said that he just didn't want Shawn's parents to feel uncomfortable either. What a great guy huh? At this point Mr. X and myself were in my shed and my nerves were going into overdrive. At any moment Shawn's parents would be arriving and I had no idea how this entire thing was going to go down.
Once Shawn's parents arrived I introduced them to Mr. X and told them who he was. Both of them were very polite and shook his hand. Then we all started going through things in the shed. Actually, I went through things and asked if it was anything that they would be interested in. Mr. X was once again great and helped carry boxes to their car and helped move the really heavy items around in the shed. We were all there for about an hour and a half. I'm happy to report that after a few minutes my nerves settled down. I'm even happier to say that the entire "shed experience" went much better than I had anticipated it going. There were moments when it was clear that Shawn's parents were having a difficult time being there with his things, but at the same time we (myself included) could tell how grateful they were that I was giving them some of Shawn's things. A few days after I got an email from his mom telling me thank you for giving them some things and how much it meant to them. They also said that in the short time they met Mr. X they thought that he was a great guy, that Shawn would have really liked him and that they were happy for me. I didn't cry at all the day we were going through the shed, but when I read that email I cried. Maybe, after the last almost two years being kind of rocky between them and myself, maybe we all came to some sort of understanding with each other. I guess time will tell. It was nice to go through the shed and to get rid of of things that I don't want or need anymore and at the same time it was great to see and be around some of Shawn's things once again. All in all it ended up being a great day. Mr. X and I finished up the day by going out to dinner at a new restaurant in town and by going out with some friends at night. Even though it was an emotional day, it was still great!
Okay, now for big deal number two!
As you all know last weekend was Memorial Day. Every Memorial Day my family goes up to the lake for the weekend and we all just kind of hang out around the house. Shawn and I rarely went up on Memorial Day because it seemed like Shawn was always working, or the drive would be way too far for us to go. Last year I went and it was the first time being at the lake since Shawn had died and I remember crying almost the entire time. Anyhow, last weekend we all went up to the lake and by "we" I mean, myself, Mr. X and his two kids. It was the first time that Mr. X would be meeting my entire family. He has met my mom, sister, brother and brother's fiance, but this would be the first time meeting my aunt, uncle, and two cousins. I figured and knew that everyone would get along, but at the same time you always wonder what will happen when you are all under the same roof for an entire weekend. Let me tell you all....the weekend could not have been any BETTER!!! It was truly great and one of the best weekends I have had at the lake in a really long time! Everyone got along amazingly well! Not that I didn't think they wouldn't but was very much relieved when they did. My entire family totally embraced Mr. X and his kids!! How great is that?! The weather was amazing, probably one of the best Memorial Days weather wise in about 10 years! My entire family, including Mr. X and the kids played three different family baseball games together. Something that my family has never done before. However, Mr. X's little boy wanted us all to play baseball with him, so that is what we did and had an amazing time each game. We also all played in the water and the beach most of Saturday. Actually, I think we spent more time outside and at the beach and Saturday than we did in the house. Saturday night once the kids were asleep we all sat around the table and played board games. It was so much fun!! We all had a wonderful time. It was so nice to be able to introduce Mr. X and his kids to the rest of my family. Mr. X, myself, and the two kids had a GREAT time together and really spent some good quality time with each other. On Sunday we left our house on the lake and went to Mr. X's parents house on a different lake. Once again we had a wonderful time and spent much of the rest of the weekend outside.
The entire weekend was better than I could have asked for and not so sound all girlie and cheesy but it was all very fairy tale like! I'm so glad the four of us got to spend the entire weekend together with each of our families. It felt amazing to be happy, smiling, and laughing once again. It was a weekend I will remember for a really long time.
There are a few other "big" things that have happened to me within the last few weeks as well. However, as I said a few post ago, I can not talk about them at this time. However, I assure you and promise you that I will post about them when I can and it will be one great big happy post. I totally can not wait to share these things with each one of you. It will take some time but one day I will!
Thanks for reading, for all the continued support, and thanks for always standing my me. My readers are great!!
Two weekends ago Mr. X and I had a great weekend, but Saturday in particular was pretty great. His three year old little boy plays soccer on Saturday mornings so as usual we went to the game. The entire team is great and all nine of the kids on the team have improved, but I have to say that Mr. X's little boy is AWESOME!! He scores most of the goals, passes like a pro, dribbles the ball (that's what soccer players call it when they kick the ball) and is an all around great player. I'm telling you the kid is pretty darn amazing at every sport he plays, and believe me when I say we play every sport! It was great getting to watch Mr. X react to his son playing the game as well. He is such a great Daddy! After the soccer game Mr. X and I went to Home Depot to get a few things, then went out to lunch. We only went to Taco Bell, but it was oh-so-yummy! After we came home and watched a movie on TV and were just bums for a while. Then we decided we should probably be a little productive so we decided to go to my storage shed and start cleaning up some things and sorting a few things out. Okay guys, this is where it gets big!
My ENTIRE life with Shawn is in that storage shed. When I moved back to Michigan I put our entire house into that shed, other than a few things I took with me to my parents house. Shawn's clothes, books, pictures, collector's items of Shawn's, our furniture, a box full of baby items that Shawn and I had already gotten, EVERYTHING was in that shed! For a long time I didn't want to go back to the shed because I didn't want all of those memories to smack me in the face. I wasn't sure how it was going to feel walking into all of "that". However, the last few months I have been feeling like I really needed and that it was time to start going through some of those things. When Shawn died I also didn't give one single thing to his family. I know it was probably wrong of me, but I just couldn't do it. I'm pretty sure his parents where hurt and upset by this and it probably ended up putting a little rift between all of us. However, at the time I just could not part with anything that was Shawn's. I didn't care who was getting it, I felt like I needed it and I needed to keep it. At the time I felt like if I gave anything of Shawn's away then I was going to somehow forget part of Shawn. Well, at almost two years I have realized that is not the case. I have realized that my memories aren't in the actual items, but they are in my heart and nobody can take those away from me. I started feeling like maybe it was time to go through some of Shawn's things and to give a few items to Shawn's parents. I talked about this with Mr. X and he was totally AMAZING!!! He told me that he would be there for me and support me every step of the way as well as helping move stuff around in the shed. So after our conversation I made the decision to call Shawn's parents and ask if they would like to meet me at my shed and pick out a few things of Shawn's that they might like. I was fully expecting them to say that they were busy and could not make it out, but to my surprise they told me they were getting in the car and where on their way. Gulp! Okay, hang on to your seats because this is where it gets really BIG!
After I got off the phone with Shawn's parents I called my mom and told her to meet us with the key at the shed and I also told her that I had called his parents and that Mr. X was with me. My parents have met Mr. X before and really like him so I was not at all worried about that. However, this would be the first time that Shawn's parents would be meeting him. I don't really talk to his parents all that often so they did not even know that Mr. X and I had been dating. I was so nervous I could almost feel my heart jumping out of my chest. For a few minutes it was a totally nerve wracking experience. My mom, sister and Mr. X tried to calm me down by encouraging me and told me that everything was going to be okay and that I was doing the right thing by allowing Shawn's parents to have a few of his things. I asked Mr. X if he was going to be okay with meeting Shawn's parents and he told me that he was okay with the situation if I was okay with it. He also said that he just didn't want Shawn's parents to feel uncomfortable either. What a great guy huh? At this point Mr. X and myself were in my shed and my nerves were going into overdrive. At any moment Shawn's parents would be arriving and I had no idea how this entire thing was going to go down.
Once Shawn's parents arrived I introduced them to Mr. X and told them who he was. Both of them were very polite and shook his hand. Then we all started going through things in the shed. Actually, I went through things and asked if it was anything that they would be interested in. Mr. X was once again great and helped carry boxes to their car and helped move the really heavy items around in the shed. We were all there for about an hour and a half. I'm happy to report that after a few minutes my nerves settled down. I'm even happier to say that the entire "shed experience" went much better than I had anticipated it going. There were moments when it was clear that Shawn's parents were having a difficult time being there with his things, but at the same time we (myself included) could tell how grateful they were that I was giving them some of Shawn's things. A few days after I got an email from his mom telling me thank you for giving them some things and how much it meant to them. They also said that in the short time they met Mr. X they thought that he was a great guy, that Shawn would have really liked him and that they were happy for me. I didn't cry at all the day we were going through the shed, but when I read that email I cried. Maybe, after the last almost two years being kind of rocky between them and myself, maybe we all came to some sort of understanding with each other. I guess time will tell. It was nice to go through the shed and to get rid of of things that I don't want or need anymore and at the same time it was great to see and be around some of Shawn's things once again. All in all it ended up being a great day. Mr. X and I finished up the day by going out to dinner at a new restaurant in town and by going out with some friends at night. Even though it was an emotional day, it was still great!
Okay, now for big deal number two!
As you all know last weekend was Memorial Day. Every Memorial Day my family goes up to the lake for the weekend and we all just kind of hang out around the house. Shawn and I rarely went up on Memorial Day because it seemed like Shawn was always working, or the drive would be way too far for us to go. Last year I went and it was the first time being at the lake since Shawn had died and I remember crying almost the entire time. Anyhow, last weekend we all went up to the lake and by "we" I mean, myself, Mr. X and his two kids. It was the first time that Mr. X would be meeting my entire family. He has met my mom, sister, brother and brother's fiance, but this would be the first time meeting my aunt, uncle, and two cousins. I figured and knew that everyone would get along, but at the same time you always wonder what will happen when you are all under the same roof for an entire weekend. Let me tell you all....the weekend could not have been any BETTER!!! It was truly great and one of the best weekends I have had at the lake in a really long time! Everyone got along amazingly well! Not that I didn't think they wouldn't but was very much relieved when they did. My entire family totally embraced Mr. X and his kids!! How great is that?! The weather was amazing, probably one of the best Memorial Days weather wise in about 10 years! My entire family, including Mr. X and the kids played three different family baseball games together. Something that my family has never done before. However, Mr. X's little boy wanted us all to play baseball with him, so that is what we did and had an amazing time each game. We also all played in the water and the beach most of Saturday. Actually, I think we spent more time outside and at the beach and Saturday than we did in the house. Saturday night once the kids were asleep we all sat around the table and played board games. It was so much fun!! We all had a wonderful time. It was so nice to be able to introduce Mr. X and his kids to the rest of my family. Mr. X, myself, and the two kids had a GREAT time together and really spent some good quality time with each other. On Sunday we left our house on the lake and went to Mr. X's parents house on a different lake. Once again we had a wonderful time and spent much of the rest of the weekend outside.
The entire weekend was better than I could have asked for and not so sound all girlie and cheesy but it was all very fairy tale like! I'm so glad the four of us got to spend the entire weekend together with each of our families. It felt amazing to be happy, smiling, and laughing once again. It was a weekend I will remember for a really long time.
There are a few other "big" things that have happened to me within the last few weeks as well. However, as I said a few post ago, I can not talk about them at this time. However, I assure you and promise you that I will post about them when I can and it will be one great big happy post. I totally can not wait to share these things with each one of you. It will take some time but one day I will!
Thanks for reading, for all the continued support, and thanks for always standing my me. My readers are great!!
Monday, April 19, 2010
A Thought For You~What's In A Label?
On Easter Sunday something happened to me, well actually somebody said something to me and it's been on my mind ever since then. I wanted to write about it sooner, but I also wanted to share my Mexico trip with you all. Well, my trip to Mexico was a way funner (again, I'm not sure funner is a word, but I'm using it) post so it won out. However, my conversation with the person is still on my mind, so I figured tonight was the night to tell you all about it and get your thoughts.
So on Easter Sunday I was at Mr. X's Grandparents house for Easter dinner. By the way after not seeing Mr. X in 9 days it felt so great to be back with him and his two kids. I really really missed them while I was gone. Anyhow, we were at his Grandparents house for dinner. His sister (who I've gotten very close to), his Aunt, his Mom and two of his cousins were out in the kitchen messing around talking, while we were cleaning up the kitchen and doing dishes after dinner. Somehow our conversation turned to the topic of husbands. Mr. X's cousin then came over to me and her and I started up our own little conversation. I don't really remember what I said, but I said something about Shawn to her. She looked at me and asked me if I was talking about my ex-husband. She really is the sweetest person and didn't mean anything bad by saying "ex-husband" at all. I actually had thought that everyone in Mr. X's family knew that I was a widow, and had lost the baby, but she obviously did not know. For a second I was caught a little off guard, for a second I didn't know how to refer to Shawn. I didn't know what I should "call" him anymore. So at that moment I told Mr. X's cousin that Shawn was my husband and that he had passed away almost 20 months ago. However, after talking to her it really got me thinking...what do I call Shawn now? Is there a right or wrong "label" for him? Is there a time frame to stop referring to your dead husband as "husband"?
I mean really think about it. Don't put yourself in my shoes, I would never want anyone to go through what I have been through and walk in my shoes, but at the same time try and give it just a little thought. My best friend for almost 13 years, my husband for almost eight years died 20 months ago. What should I call him now? With each and every passing day I meet more and more people who know me as only "Jenny" and don't know me as "JennyandShawn", these people have no idea about the hell I have lived. You can't tell by looking at me that I was a widow at 30 years old. You can't tell by looking at me that I still think about Shawn multiple times every single day, or there are still times that I reach for my phone because I want to tell him something, and that I still miss him and love him. I'm living my life. I'm going on with my life and working hard at finding happiness once again (by the way things are going great with Mr. X, and I am happy) and I know that is to be expected, but at the same time it really makes me wonder how I should be referring to Shawn now, especially when I talk to people who may not really know me, or him.
Do I still refer to Shawn as my husband? The old part of me says yes, because in my heart Shawn will always be my husband. A piece of my heart will always, always belong to him. A part of me will always be his wife. However, at the same time calling Shawn my husband seems, I don't know, a little awkward I guess. Especially as my relationship with Mr. X keeps progressing. Yes, Shawn was my husband, but is he really now? According to the dictionary the definition of a husband is "a man with reference to the woman to whom he is married". Even though Shawn will always be in my heart and I will always love him, I actually don't have him here with me to call him my husband.
I'm not so sure calling him my husband is the right word anymore, and to be honest, as happy as I have been the last few months it really hurts to say that. It hurts not to call the only man I have loved most of my adult life not my husband, but I'm not sure his is anymore. I mean I don't even wear my wedding ring anymore, and I haven't in well over a year. I took my rings off last year when I first started seeing "T". At that time I felt that I was ready to date and I didn't feel it was right to date and still wear my wedding rings, so I made the decision to take them off. I have never put them back on since, even thought I actually didn't really start dating until only a few months ago when I met Mr. X. After I made the choice to take them off, it just never felt right to put them back on my finger. In my heart Shawn will always be my husband, he will always be the man that I loved and a man that I will always love, no matter what happens in my future, or if or when I get remarried but once again I'm not sure I can use the label "husband" anymore.
My problem now is that I'm not sure what to call Shawn and in no way possible do I want to sound like I'm betraying Shawn, or the love that the two of us had and shared for each other in our marriage. Trust me that is the last thing I want to do. Shawn and I truly had something special and our marriage was amazing and I don't want to short change that by any stretch of the imagination. Saying my "first husband" doesn't sound right, because to me that sounds like I'm either married again, or getting married, and well at this particular point in time that is not happening, or even close to happening. It feels even worse to say "ex-husband". To me, and this is only my opinion but "ex" refers to a divorce and in my no means was that Shawn and I. So I just don't know. I feel like I'm kind of stuck here. I'm not sure how to refer to Shawn anymore with giving him the respect, honor and love that he deserves, and that is an awful feeling. Not to mention a feeling I never gave any thought until recently.
I don't know, I tend to over think and over analyze most aspects of my life, always have, and probably always will. It's just how I am. Maybe this "label" thing is just something that I'm over thinking and I'm making it way more complicated that it should be. Maybe after reading this post you have no idea what in the hell I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm not using the right words to express what I'm trying to say. Maybe this made no sense to you at all. Or maybe this is something that you can't "help" me with because luckily many of you who read my blog have not gone through the death of a spouse.
Maybe how to refer to your dead husband is something that all widows face along their path in learning to live their new life again, and I'm not all that alone in my feelings on this. No matter what happens or how I refer to Shawn in my future I know the following..... At 20 months I'm happy and doing well, but I still miss Shawn each and every day. Shawn will always be with me and a part of my heart will always belong to Shawn. I will ALWAYS and FOREVER love Shawn.
So on Easter Sunday I was at Mr. X's Grandparents house for Easter dinner. By the way after not seeing Mr. X in 9 days it felt so great to be back with him and his two kids. I really really missed them while I was gone. Anyhow, we were at his Grandparents house for dinner. His sister (who I've gotten very close to), his Aunt, his Mom and two of his cousins were out in the kitchen messing around talking, while we were cleaning up the kitchen and doing dishes after dinner. Somehow our conversation turned to the topic of husbands. Mr. X's cousin then came over to me and her and I started up our own little conversation. I don't really remember what I said, but I said something about Shawn to her. She looked at me and asked me if I was talking about my ex-husband. She really is the sweetest person and didn't mean anything bad by saying "ex-husband" at all. I actually had thought that everyone in Mr. X's family knew that I was a widow, and had lost the baby, but she obviously did not know. For a second I was caught a little off guard, for a second I didn't know how to refer to Shawn. I didn't know what I should "call" him anymore. So at that moment I told Mr. X's cousin that Shawn was my husband and that he had passed away almost 20 months ago. However, after talking to her it really got me thinking...what do I call Shawn now? Is there a right or wrong "label" for him? Is there a time frame to stop referring to your dead husband as "husband"?
I mean really think about it. Don't put yourself in my shoes, I would never want anyone to go through what I have been through and walk in my shoes, but at the same time try and give it just a little thought. My best friend for almost 13 years, my husband for almost eight years died 20 months ago. What should I call him now? With each and every passing day I meet more and more people who know me as only "Jenny" and don't know me as "JennyandShawn", these people have no idea about the hell I have lived. You can't tell by looking at me that I was a widow at 30 years old. You can't tell by looking at me that I still think about Shawn multiple times every single day, or there are still times that I reach for my phone because I want to tell him something, and that I still miss him and love him. I'm living my life. I'm going on with my life and working hard at finding happiness once again (by the way things are going great with Mr. X, and I am happy) and I know that is to be expected, but at the same time it really makes me wonder how I should be referring to Shawn now, especially when I talk to people who may not really know me, or him.
Do I still refer to Shawn as my husband? The old part of me says yes, because in my heart Shawn will always be my husband. A piece of my heart will always, always belong to him. A part of me will always be his wife. However, at the same time calling Shawn my husband seems, I don't know, a little awkward I guess. Especially as my relationship with Mr. X keeps progressing. Yes, Shawn was my husband, but is he really now? According to the dictionary the definition of a husband is "a man with reference to the woman to whom he is married". Even though Shawn will always be in my heart and I will always love him, I actually don't have him here with me to call him my husband.
I'm not so sure calling him my husband is the right word anymore, and to be honest, as happy as I have been the last few months it really hurts to say that. It hurts not to call the only man I have loved most of my adult life not my husband, but I'm not sure his is anymore. I mean I don't even wear my wedding ring anymore, and I haven't in well over a year. I took my rings off last year when I first started seeing "T". At that time I felt that I was ready to date and I didn't feel it was right to date and still wear my wedding rings, so I made the decision to take them off. I have never put them back on since, even thought I actually didn't really start dating until only a few months ago when I met Mr. X. After I made the choice to take them off, it just never felt right to put them back on my finger. In my heart Shawn will always be my husband, he will always be the man that I loved and a man that I will always love, no matter what happens in my future, or if or when I get remarried but once again I'm not sure I can use the label "husband" anymore.
My problem now is that I'm not sure what to call Shawn and in no way possible do I want to sound like I'm betraying Shawn, or the love that the two of us had and shared for each other in our marriage. Trust me that is the last thing I want to do. Shawn and I truly had something special and our marriage was amazing and I don't want to short change that by any stretch of the imagination. Saying my "first husband" doesn't sound right, because to me that sounds like I'm either married again, or getting married, and well at this particular point in time that is not happening, or even close to happening. It feels even worse to say "ex-husband". To me, and this is only my opinion but "ex" refers to a divorce and in my no means was that Shawn and I. So I just don't know. I feel like I'm kind of stuck here. I'm not sure how to refer to Shawn anymore with giving him the respect, honor and love that he deserves, and that is an awful feeling. Not to mention a feeling I never gave any thought until recently.
I don't know, I tend to over think and over analyze most aspects of my life, always have, and probably always will. It's just how I am. Maybe this "label" thing is just something that I'm over thinking and I'm making it way more complicated that it should be. Maybe after reading this post you have no idea what in the hell I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm not using the right words to express what I'm trying to say. Maybe this made no sense to you at all. Or maybe this is something that you can't "help" me with because luckily many of you who read my blog have not gone through the death of a spouse.
Maybe how to refer to your dead husband is something that all widows face along their path in learning to live their new life again, and I'm not all that alone in my feelings on this. No matter what happens or how I refer to Shawn in my future I know the following..... At 20 months I'm happy and doing well, but I still miss Shawn each and every day. Shawn will always be with me and a part of my heart will always belong to Shawn. I will ALWAYS and FOREVER love Shawn.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Angel In My Eyes
Today I was in my room trying to get stuff around and ready for my trip. I say trying because I really wasn't having much luck at it. For some reason my mind just kept on wandering around and I really didn't get anything accomplished. Instead I just kind of dabbled in a little of everything. Anyhow, while I was dabbling I was listening to and watching country music videos.
All of a sudden a song that I haven't heard in years came on along with it's video. It's a song by John Michael Montgomery and it is called "Angel In My Eyes". This is a really special song to me and it instantly took me back to a moment in time. A moment when things were really really good. A moment when there was no grief, grieving or sadness in my life. You see from the very first night Shawn told me he loved me he called me his Angel. I'm not lying when I say this, he would call me his angel every single day. He would usually wake up, roll over and say "good morning, Angel" He would also say that I was his angel at different times during the day. He always told me that he wished he was talented enough to write me a song about why I was his angel and how much I meant to him. He told me he tried, but the words just wouldn't turn into the song he wanted. Shawn didn't need to write me a song for me to know how he felt about me. Shawn made it known to me every single day how much he loved me. To me a song wasn't going to change anything. Then one day while the two of us were snuggling on the couch listening to music we heard this song and saw the video to "Angel In My Eyes" on the TV. I remember the day like it was yesterday and it was over 10 years ago! Shawn looked at me and with amazement in his eyes told me that the words to that song explained exactly how he felt about me. Even before hearing this song Shawn told me that I was his angel because sometimes when I wasn't with him he could still feel me there and would almost get a chill from the feeling. He said that I was always guiding him to be a better person even when we weren't together and that the two of us made one complete person. So, this song, a song that I haven't heard in a very long time today has special meaning to me. Every time we would hear this song on the radio or TV Shawn would always sing it to me. I don't mean sing it while walking around. I mean sing it to me, while holding me and looking at me in the eyes. Oh, what I would give to have Shawn sing to me again! I miss Shawn so much! I was unexpectedly happy today to hear this song, but at the same time it took me right back to that special moment in time that is now only memory etched in my mind forever.
I've posted the video for you in case you want to give it a listen. However it's not the video from John Michael Montgomery. It's a video that goes to a soap opera, but the song is what you need to pay attention to. For those of you who don't want to watch the video I will type out the lyrics for you under the video.
I watch her lyin' in bed asleep
And I thank my lucky stars
For every second she is here with me
I wanna hold her in my arms
She's my day, she's my night
She is the breath that gives me life
But sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry
Sometimes we fight and don't know why
But no matter what she believes in me
She's the closest thing to Heaven I'll ever see
She'll always be the angel in my eyes
Sometimes I feel her by my side
Like she's watchin' over me
I get a chill runnin' down my spine
And that's all the proof I need
That she fills my heart, she fills my soul
She is the half that makes me whole
But sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry
Sometimes we fight and don't know why
But no matter what she believes in me
She's the closest thing to Heaven I'll ever see
She'll always be the angel in my eyes
But sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry
Sometimes we fight and don't know why
But no matter what she believes in me
She's the closest thing to Heaven I'll ever see
She'll always be the angel in my eyes
Who would have thought all those years ago that life would turn out how it has. Who would have thought that Shawn would really become my angel instead of him just calling me his? Who would have thought all those years ago that now so many years later I would be the one getting chills every now and then running down my spine because I can feel him watching over me. I can still feel him, even though he is so far away from me. Who would have thought that Shawn singing this song to me would have such a different meaning today than it did then?
I miss Shawn more today than I did yesterday. I miss him more this month than I did last month. I miss him more every single day and there is nothing that I wouldn't do to hear Shawn sing this song to me once again. However, I'm also grateful that I have the best Angel watching over me and guiding me every single day. I'm so grateful that Shawn is the Angel in my eyes.
All of a sudden a song that I haven't heard in years came on along with it's video. It's a song by John Michael Montgomery and it is called "Angel In My Eyes". This is a really special song to me and it instantly took me back to a moment in time. A moment when things were really really good. A moment when there was no grief, grieving or sadness in my life. You see from the very first night Shawn told me he loved me he called me his Angel. I'm not lying when I say this, he would call me his angel every single day. He would usually wake up, roll over and say "good morning, Angel" He would also say that I was his angel at different times during the day. He always told me that he wished he was talented enough to write me a song about why I was his angel and how much I meant to him. He told me he tried, but the words just wouldn't turn into the song he wanted. Shawn didn't need to write me a song for me to know how he felt about me. Shawn made it known to me every single day how much he loved me. To me a song wasn't going to change anything. Then one day while the two of us were snuggling on the couch listening to music we heard this song and saw the video to "Angel In My Eyes" on the TV. I remember the day like it was yesterday and it was over 10 years ago! Shawn looked at me and with amazement in his eyes told me that the words to that song explained exactly how he felt about me. Even before hearing this song Shawn told me that I was his angel because sometimes when I wasn't with him he could still feel me there and would almost get a chill from the feeling. He said that I was always guiding him to be a better person even when we weren't together and that the two of us made one complete person. So, this song, a song that I haven't heard in a very long time today has special meaning to me. Every time we would hear this song on the radio or TV Shawn would always sing it to me. I don't mean sing it while walking around. I mean sing it to me, while holding me and looking at me in the eyes. Oh, what I would give to have Shawn sing to me again! I miss Shawn so much! I was unexpectedly happy today to hear this song, but at the same time it took me right back to that special moment in time that is now only memory etched in my mind forever.
I've posted the video for you in case you want to give it a listen. However it's not the video from John Michael Montgomery. It's a video that goes to a soap opera, but the song is what you need to pay attention to. For those of you who don't want to watch the video I will type out the lyrics for you under the video.
I watch her lyin' in bed asleep
And I thank my lucky stars
For every second she is here with me
I wanna hold her in my arms
She's my day, she's my night
She is the breath that gives me life
But sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry
Sometimes we fight and don't know why
But no matter what she believes in me
She's the closest thing to Heaven I'll ever see
She'll always be the angel in my eyes
Sometimes I feel her by my side
Like she's watchin' over me
I get a chill runnin' down my spine
And that's all the proof I need
That she fills my heart, she fills my soul
She is the half that makes me whole
But sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry
Sometimes we fight and don't know why
But no matter what she believes in me
She's the closest thing to Heaven I'll ever see
She'll always be the angel in my eyes
But sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry
Sometimes we fight and don't know why
But no matter what she believes in me
She's the closest thing to Heaven I'll ever see
She'll always be the angel in my eyes
Who would have thought all those years ago that life would turn out how it has. Who would have thought that Shawn would really become my angel instead of him just calling me his? Who would have thought all those years ago that now so many years later I would be the one getting chills every now and then running down my spine because I can feel him watching over me. I can still feel him, even though he is so far away from me. Who would have thought that Shawn singing this song to me would have such a different meaning today than it did then?
I miss Shawn more today than I did yesterday. I miss him more this month than I did last month. I miss him more every single day and there is nothing that I wouldn't do to hear Shawn sing this song to me once again. However, I'm also grateful that I have the best Angel watching over me and guiding me every single day. I'm so grateful that Shawn is the Angel in my eyes.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
18 Months
Wow...look at this two posts in one week, let alone a post on the weekend! I don't usually post on the weekends because I know everyone is busy, but I had a few extra minutes this morning and thought what the heck...lets sit down and write.
Well, this past Thursday I passed another milestone in the grief process. A milestone that I thought I was never going to get to the day Shawn passed away. Thursday marked 18 months since Shawn had passed away. A year and a half since the day my life changed literally in a hear beat. In many ways August 18, 2008 seems like just yesterday, and in so many other ways it seems life a lifetime ago. There are very few aspects of my life that are the same today and they were on that day. In a year and a half I've learned so much about myself, who I am, and the person I want to be. I hate to say this, but I really believe that these are all things I would not have figured out had Shawn not died. It really does take a life altering, or in my case two life altering events to change the outlook on one's life.
A year ago at this time I made my first good memory without Shawn. That happened when I went to Ohio for the week, spent time with both Jennie and Lora. The weekend of Valentine's Day we had a huge Un-Valentinen's Day party at Jennie's house. It was soooo much fun, and that night I remember really laughing and having a good time for the first time since Shawn had died. I remember thinking that it felt weird to be having so much fun so soon after his death, but it was also so great to laugh and smile again. That week was great and like I said I made my first good memories during that week.
However, as soon as I returned home I also began to face the overwhelming feeling of grief. Six months later it was smacking my square in the face. Don't get me wrong, I felt grief in the hours, days, weeks, and months after Shawn died but for some reason it hit me hard during months six through nine. At month six I was finally starting to come out of that "numb place" and I was starting to realize this was my life. A life without my husband and our baby, a life that I had NEVER asked to live, but was finding myself living. I also really think I was trying so hard to be strong for everyone else, I didn't let myself feel what I needed to feel early on and six months later it was all starting to come crashing down around me. For me months six through nine were the worst in the grieving process. I cried more during those months than I did early on, minus the immediate few weeks after Shawn's death. During that time I was figuring out how to live without Shawn, and that brought emotions I just wasn't expecting to feel. There were times during those months were I really didn't know if I could do "this". I never had any "crazy" thoughts or anything like that. I just felt like I didn't know if I would ever be happy again. I also didn't know if I wanted to be happy again. I mean, I knew deep down I wanted to be happy again, but the thought of being happy without Shawn was just so much to take in at times.
A year ago this week was also when I made the decision to take off my wedding rings. For those of you who didn't read my blog early on I started this process slowly. I would take them off for an hour or two while I was at home. Then I would take them off and run to the store, then one night I decided to take them off while I slept at night. For a person who never, ever took off her wedding rings it was a very strange, unsettling feeling. I can't tell you, what really made me decide to take off my rings, but it was just a feeling that I had. After about two weeks of gradually taking my rings off I decided I was ready. I took them off and set them on the shelf next to Shawn's wedding band. It felt really odd, and there were many times I found myself looking at my empty ring finger, but I knew in my heart I had made the right choice to take them off. The rings sat on the shelf next to Shawn's necklace, his glasses, and his sun glasses. At the time it was comforting to me to have my rings on a shelf next to Shawn's items.
Now fast forward with me to present day. A LOT has changed in my life since this time last year, heck, a lot has changed in my life in the last year and a half. Now at a year and a half since Shawn's death I can honestly say I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago at this exact time. Through the loss of Shawn and our baby I now look at life, and my life in total different eyes than I did early on. Like I said before, I've learned a lot about life, and a lot about my self during this last year and a half of my life. Many things are things I don't think I would have figured out without the tragic turn of events in my life.
I've learned that I am a much stronger person than I ever thought I could be. I know I've said this on this blog before, but if somebody would have told me two years ago that my husband was going to die of a massive heart attack at 31 one years old, I would have told them to dig a hole next time him because there was no way in hell I could live without him. Obviously, that did not happen, it wasn't my choice, but I have learned to live without Shawn. I know Shawn would want me to be happy. I also know and believe more than anything that Shawn was in my life to teach me and to give me the strength I didn't see in myself. He always told me I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, and for whatever reason I didn't believe him. I didn't believe him because I didn't have to, because he was always there for me. Living through his death has taught me that I am a stronger person than I ever realized. I thank Shawn every single day for instilling in me that strength.
I have also learned that grief is a very long process, a process that I think I will always go through. A friend of mine, who is a widow and I were talking the other day, we said that the grief of losing a spouse is somewhat the same as having a disease that you never asked to have. Grief, like the disease will never go away. When you first realize you have a disease, the thought of it consumes you, you realize your life will NEVER be the same and that thought is totally overwhelming. However, as time passes, you learn to live with it, you adapt your life around the disease. You learn to live with the disease and after time you realize that your life will go on. Grief is exactly the same. For the rest of my life I will carry the grief of losing Shawn with me. No matter how much happiness I find in my future, there will always be difficult days. His birthday, our anniversary, special holidays, and of course the day of his death will always be hard for me. However, like living with a disease, I've learned to live with the grief. At a year and a half I still grieve, I still have bad days and bad moments. Over time I've just learned to deal with them in a different way, I'm grateful and blessed to have the change in perspective. However, that is something that has come over lots and lots of time.
Still to this day I don't like it when people tell me, "you have to move on". To me "moving on" sounds awful. Moving on to me sounds like forgetting what I had and moving on to the next thing. Almost like you move onto a next book after you finish one. Instead I like to say "I go on". This life wasn't my choice, I never asked for this to happen to me. But, at a year and a half, yes, I have realized that I am living, I am going on. I will never forget Shawn...I will never "move on" to something better. The life I had with Shawn was special and something that will never happen again. However, in order to live the rest of my life and to be happy again, yes, I must "go on" and continue living my life. Now, today, I can say that I'm so excited and happy to be doing that!.
Today, I am happy and I'm so blessed to be able to say that! I have the best family and friends ever. I have great friends that have came into my life since Shawn's death. People that were brought into my life for a reason. Things are going so great with Mr. X. The other day he called to tell me good morning, and well, I was having a moment. He was so sweet and thoughtful. He got it, he understood, and he listened while I told him my feelings. He responded with some of the sweetest, most caring words ever. I'm so happy that he is in my life and he wants to take the time to understand the emotions that I feel and have.
Every single day I make the choice to "go on", to live my life and to be happy for me and for Shawn, because that is what I know he would want for me...for both of us. It has been a year and a half since I lost my best friend and my husband. A year and a half since my life changed forever. There is not an hour in a day that goes by that I don't think about Shawn. I still miss him more than anything and I know I always will. But, I can honestly say now, that I look forward to waking up in the morning, I look forward to whatever my story has for me, I look forward to being truly happy again one day, and now...I look forward to living my life once again.
Well, this past Thursday I passed another milestone in the grief process. A milestone that I thought I was never going to get to the day Shawn passed away. Thursday marked 18 months since Shawn had passed away. A year and a half since the day my life changed literally in a hear beat. In many ways August 18, 2008 seems like just yesterday, and in so many other ways it seems life a lifetime ago. There are very few aspects of my life that are the same today and they were on that day. In a year and a half I've learned so much about myself, who I am, and the person I want to be. I hate to say this, but I really believe that these are all things I would not have figured out had Shawn not died. It really does take a life altering, or in my case two life altering events to change the outlook on one's life.
A year ago at this time I made my first good memory without Shawn. That happened when I went to Ohio for the week, spent time with both Jennie and Lora. The weekend of Valentine's Day we had a huge Un-Valentinen's Day party at Jennie's house. It was soooo much fun, and that night I remember really laughing and having a good time for the first time since Shawn had died. I remember thinking that it felt weird to be having so much fun so soon after his death, but it was also so great to laugh and smile again. That week was great and like I said I made my first good memories during that week.
However, as soon as I returned home I also began to face the overwhelming feeling of grief. Six months later it was smacking my square in the face. Don't get me wrong, I felt grief in the hours, days, weeks, and months after Shawn died but for some reason it hit me hard during months six through nine. At month six I was finally starting to come out of that "numb place" and I was starting to realize this was my life. A life without my husband and our baby, a life that I had NEVER asked to live, but was finding myself living. I also really think I was trying so hard to be strong for everyone else, I didn't let myself feel what I needed to feel early on and six months later it was all starting to come crashing down around me. For me months six through nine were the worst in the grieving process. I cried more during those months than I did early on, minus the immediate few weeks after Shawn's death. During that time I was figuring out how to live without Shawn, and that brought emotions I just wasn't expecting to feel. There were times during those months were I really didn't know if I could do "this". I never had any "crazy" thoughts or anything like that. I just felt like I didn't know if I would ever be happy again. I also didn't know if I wanted to be happy again. I mean, I knew deep down I wanted to be happy again, but the thought of being happy without Shawn was just so much to take in at times.
A year ago this week was also when I made the decision to take off my wedding rings. For those of you who didn't read my blog early on I started this process slowly. I would take them off for an hour or two while I was at home. Then I would take them off and run to the store, then one night I decided to take them off while I slept at night. For a person who never, ever took off her wedding rings it was a very strange, unsettling feeling. I can't tell you, what really made me decide to take off my rings, but it was just a feeling that I had. After about two weeks of gradually taking my rings off I decided I was ready. I took them off and set them on the shelf next to Shawn's wedding band. It felt really odd, and there were many times I found myself looking at my empty ring finger, but I knew in my heart I had made the right choice to take them off. The rings sat on the shelf next to Shawn's necklace, his glasses, and his sun glasses. At the time it was comforting to me to have my rings on a shelf next to Shawn's items.
Now fast forward with me to present day. A LOT has changed in my life since this time last year, heck, a lot has changed in my life in the last year and a half. Now at a year and a half since Shawn's death I can honestly say I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago at this exact time. Through the loss of Shawn and our baby I now look at life, and my life in total different eyes than I did early on. Like I said before, I've learned a lot about life, and a lot about my self during this last year and a half of my life. Many things are things I don't think I would have figured out without the tragic turn of events in my life.
I've learned that I am a much stronger person than I ever thought I could be. I know I've said this on this blog before, but if somebody would have told me two years ago that my husband was going to die of a massive heart attack at 31 one years old, I would have told them to dig a hole next time him because there was no way in hell I could live without him. Obviously, that did not happen, it wasn't my choice, but I have learned to live without Shawn. I know Shawn would want me to be happy. I also know and believe more than anything that Shawn was in my life to teach me and to give me the strength I didn't see in myself. He always told me I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, and for whatever reason I didn't believe him. I didn't believe him because I didn't have to, because he was always there for me. Living through his death has taught me that I am a stronger person than I ever realized. I thank Shawn every single day for instilling in me that strength.
I have also learned that grief is a very long process, a process that I think I will always go through. A friend of mine, who is a widow and I were talking the other day, we said that the grief of losing a spouse is somewhat the same as having a disease that you never asked to have. Grief, like the disease will never go away. When you first realize you have a disease, the thought of it consumes you, you realize your life will NEVER be the same and that thought is totally overwhelming. However, as time passes, you learn to live with it, you adapt your life around the disease. You learn to live with the disease and after time you realize that your life will go on. Grief is exactly the same. For the rest of my life I will carry the grief of losing Shawn with me. No matter how much happiness I find in my future, there will always be difficult days. His birthday, our anniversary, special holidays, and of course the day of his death will always be hard for me. However, like living with a disease, I've learned to live with the grief. At a year and a half I still grieve, I still have bad days and bad moments. Over time I've just learned to deal with them in a different way, I'm grateful and blessed to have the change in perspective. However, that is something that has come over lots and lots of time.
Still to this day I don't like it when people tell me, "you have to move on". To me "moving on" sounds awful. Moving on to me sounds like forgetting what I had and moving on to the next thing. Almost like you move onto a next book after you finish one. Instead I like to say "I go on". This life wasn't my choice, I never asked for this to happen to me. But, at a year and a half, yes, I have realized that I am living, I am going on. I will never forget Shawn...I will never "move on" to something better. The life I had with Shawn was special and something that will never happen again. However, in order to live the rest of my life and to be happy again, yes, I must "go on" and continue living my life. Now, today, I can say that I'm so excited and happy to be doing that!.
Today, I am happy and I'm so blessed to be able to say that! I have the best family and friends ever. I have great friends that have came into my life since Shawn's death. People that were brought into my life for a reason. Things are going so great with Mr. X. The other day he called to tell me good morning, and well, I was having a moment. He was so sweet and thoughtful. He got it, he understood, and he listened while I told him my feelings. He responded with some of the sweetest, most caring words ever. I'm so happy that he is in my life and he wants to take the time to understand the emotions that I feel and have.
Every single day I make the choice to "go on", to live my life and to be happy for me and for Shawn, because that is what I know he would want for me...for both of us. It has been a year and a half since I lost my best friend and my husband. A year and a half since my life changed forever. There is not an hour in a day that goes by that I don't think about Shawn. I still miss him more than anything and I know I always will. But, I can honestly say now, that I look forward to waking up in the morning, I look forward to whatever my story has for me, I look forward to being truly happy again one day, and now...I look forward to living my life once again.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Making Room For Two
You would think that after a year and a half that I would know and expect that the emotions surrounding grief and the roller coaster of grief can sneak up and bite you when you least expect it. Yes...I do know that and I've come to expect that sometimes it is the small things that cause the tears to well up in my eyes and then flow down my cheeks. What I didn't realize was that now the "happy things" can cause a flurry of emotions as well. Last Friday morning was no exception, it was a little small thing that had me crying on the phone to my friend, not understanding what the hell was going on.
I woke up on Friday morning and was in a great mood, woke up smiling and everything. I had a great afternoon planned and knew that I was going to see Mr. X (that's what I'm going to call my new guy from now on) later that night. In fact Friday afternoon I was going out to lunch with his sister and was very much looking forward to that. Anyways, I woke up happy and I have to say, waking up happy, with a smile on your face is so much better than the alternative of waking up sad and with puffy eyes from crying. I got up and started my day, went downstairs, got something to eat, turned on the radio and then hopped on the computer for some Facebook time, and to catch up on blog reading. All of a sudden I heard Shawn's all time favorite song on the radio. I can now listen to music that he liked with a smile instead of crying over it. In a weird way I think it's Shawn's way of saying, "Hi" I did just that sat at the computer and smiled when I listened to it. A few minutes later I got up and changed the radio station and then all of a sudden I heard a song that a Mr. X sings to me. Again, it made me laugh and brought a smile to my face. This was the second time in one week that I had heard a favorite song of Shawn's followed moments later by a song Mr. X signs to me. Odd...a sign?? I don't know.
After that song was over and I realized I was smiling and then" it" hit me like a ton of bricks, and then the tears started and I didn't stop crying for a good hour or so. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose it was time, I hadn't cried like that in months, but at the same time it felt weird to be sitting there crying when I woke up so happy. I was sitting there thinking in the chair to myself "what the hell is your problem?" "You are happy and woke up in a good mood...stop the crying" but I really couldn't stop the tears. It was an odd feeling to remember a song that Shawn used to like so much...that meant a lot to us, while at the same time remembering a new moment made with another man within the last month.
Have I mentioned before that grief sucks? It does! Have I mentioned before that it comes out and bites you when you least expect to? It does...and I still at a week shy of 18 months I don't like it!!
I knew Meg was home so I called her because I knew she would be able to bring me back to reality. I told her about the songs and about how it was the second time that had happened during the week. I told her that I was so happy with Mr. X and that I was starting to have feelings for him more than just "liking" him. She first told me that it was okay to cry, and to have a hard moment. She reminded me that I hadn't had a crappy day in a really long time. Then she told me it was totally normal to feel that way. To have the new feelings of happiness while at the same time remembering the good times I had with Shawn. She told me that I was living and going on living my life, while another chapter of my life was closing. She was right. It was kind of I was stuck in the middle. I know I can't go back to what was...that is impossible, but the thought of what is, or what could be is great and exciting, but at the same time nervous and scary. She also told me that I've had a great time with Mr. X and that things are going well and we are moving forward and that my heart is just getting ready to let him in more. I kinda laughed a little because Jennie had told me the exact same thing earlier in the week. After talking to Meg for a while I finally stopped crying and realized I was being kind of silly and that I should just take a breath and relax. I did and I was fine and great the rest of the day.
However, after talking to Meg and after playing the statement "my heart is just getting ready to let him in more" I was instantly thrown back to a conversation I had with Sarah early last November. She had just passed the one year mark of her husband's death and I was quickly approaching the three month mark of Shawn's death. I remembered we met at Starbucks one morning for coffee. I was having an awful day and just couldn't stop crying...at a year she was having an awful day as well. We got our coffee and sat down and cried with each other for a bit. Then we got talking about falling in love again. At a year she had not started dating, but had begun to have thoughts about it, and falling in love again was about the farthest thought from my mind, but we still talked about it. I asked her two questions. 1. Did she think it would be easier or harder to fall in love again and 2. How could it be possible to let another man into your heart and love them the same way that we loved our husbands?
With tears in both of our eyes she answered with the following response. She told me that even though she had not yet found love she was thinking that it was going to be easier to fall in love again than she originally thought. She went on to say that she felt this way because she knew how great her marriage was, she knew how to love, and she knew what she once had. Although, it would be different and a different kind of love she thought falling in love would be easier and that she would love more deeply and passionately because she knew exactly what it felt like to have that love ripped away in a heartbeat. At that time, I didn't feel the same way. In fact having those feelings of love for another man was about the farthest from my mind. I wanted to believe and trust her words, but I just didn't know if I would ever be able to love somebody ever again. Now at a year and a half later and dating a great, wonderful man I can totally see how she was feeling and why she said what she said. Don't go getting all crazy on me here...I know it has only been a month since I've been seeing Mr. X. I'm not the person who throws the "L" word around like it's nothing. But I will tell you all that I do have more feelings for him that "liking him". However, I'm being careful and not rushing into anything but now I can see why Sarah said what she said.
In response to my second question...How could it be possible to let another man into your heart and love them the same way that we loved our husbands? Sarah told me that I will never love another man the way I loved Shawn. That the love we shared was special to us and only to us. She then told me that the only way she could relate loving another man was to that of adding another baby to a family. She told me that when you are a parent and have only one child, you love them with your entire heart and soul....they are the center of your world. Then one day you realize you are going to have another baby. People wonder how they could love another child how they love the first. Then she told me that once the baby is there, your heart just grows and makes room to love that second baby. As she is telling me this I remember just sitting there both of us crying. Sarah told me that is how she imagined falling in love again would be. Your heart would just grow to let that new man in. At the same time still allowing my heart to have room for Shawn. A place in my heart that will always and forever belong to Shawn. Again, when she was telling me this I wasn't sure if I believed it. It was just a piece of knowledge that I held onto and tucked away in my mind. At three months into my grief process there was no way I could love somebody. But now...maybe.
Both Jennie and Meg told me that they can tell that there is something special between Mr. X and myself. They can tell a difference in my voice. I have no idea what will or will not happen between us. Things are going fast, but at the same time I'm being smart about this and not getting too ahead of myself. However, I think part of the reason that I had such a hard time on Friday morning after hearing both songs on the radio is because I can feel my heart starting to make room for Mr. X. In a matter of minutes I was able to remember a great memory I shared with Shawn, and then minutes later be reminded of a new memory with a new man. I can feel my heart making room for him, while at the same time still loving Shawn...a love that will always be there. I will tell you it is such an odd feeling to feel your heart grow to let another person in, especially when you had the love of your life. It amazes me that I'm able to have these feelings or the start of these feelings when a year and a half ago I never ever thought I would be able to have these thoughts and feelings with another man.
There have been many emotions during this last month. So far 2010 has been a great year, a year so far filled with hope and happiness. This relationship is still new, a little nerve wracking, but at the same time it just feels so right, great and wonderful. Like I said I have no idea what will or will not happen in the future. Life is a journey that we live every day, but I will tell you...that I really do feel like my heart is starting to make room for Mr. X. It's a little scary but wonderful and amazing all at the same time.
I woke up on Friday morning and was in a great mood, woke up smiling and everything. I had a great afternoon planned and knew that I was going to see Mr. X (that's what I'm going to call my new guy from now on) later that night. In fact Friday afternoon I was going out to lunch with his sister and was very much looking forward to that. Anyways, I woke up happy and I have to say, waking up happy, with a smile on your face is so much better than the alternative of waking up sad and with puffy eyes from crying. I got up and started my day, went downstairs, got something to eat, turned on the radio and then hopped on the computer for some Facebook time, and to catch up on blog reading. All of a sudden I heard Shawn's all time favorite song on the radio. I can now listen to music that he liked with a smile instead of crying over it. In a weird way I think it's Shawn's way of saying, "Hi" I did just that sat at the computer and smiled when I listened to it. A few minutes later I got up and changed the radio station and then all of a sudden I heard a song that a Mr. X sings to me. Again, it made me laugh and brought a smile to my face. This was the second time in one week that I had heard a favorite song of Shawn's followed moments later by a song Mr. X signs to me. Odd...a sign?? I don't know.
After that song was over and I realized I was smiling and then" it" hit me like a ton of bricks, and then the tears started and I didn't stop crying for a good hour or so. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose it was time, I hadn't cried like that in months, but at the same time it felt weird to be sitting there crying when I woke up so happy. I was sitting there thinking in the chair to myself "what the hell is your problem?" "You are happy and woke up in a good mood...stop the crying" but I really couldn't stop the tears. It was an odd feeling to remember a song that Shawn used to like so much...that meant a lot to us, while at the same time remembering a new moment made with another man within the last month.
Have I mentioned before that grief sucks? It does! Have I mentioned before that it comes out and bites you when you least expect to? It does...and I still at a week shy of 18 months I don't like it!!
I knew Meg was home so I called her because I knew she would be able to bring me back to reality. I told her about the songs and about how it was the second time that had happened during the week. I told her that I was so happy with Mr. X and that I was starting to have feelings for him more than just "liking" him. She first told me that it was okay to cry, and to have a hard moment. She reminded me that I hadn't had a crappy day in a really long time. Then she told me it was totally normal to feel that way. To have the new feelings of happiness while at the same time remembering the good times I had with Shawn. She told me that I was living and going on living my life, while another chapter of my life was closing. She was right. It was kind of I was stuck in the middle. I know I can't go back to what was...that is impossible, but the thought of what is, or what could be is great and exciting, but at the same time nervous and scary. She also told me that I've had a great time with Mr. X and that things are going well and we are moving forward and that my heart is just getting ready to let him in more. I kinda laughed a little because Jennie had told me the exact same thing earlier in the week. After talking to Meg for a while I finally stopped crying and realized I was being kind of silly and that I should just take a breath and relax. I did and I was fine and great the rest of the day.
However, after talking to Meg and after playing the statement "my heart is just getting ready to let him in more" I was instantly thrown back to a conversation I had with Sarah early last November. She had just passed the one year mark of her husband's death and I was quickly approaching the three month mark of Shawn's death. I remembered we met at Starbucks one morning for coffee. I was having an awful day and just couldn't stop crying...at a year she was having an awful day as well. We got our coffee and sat down and cried with each other for a bit. Then we got talking about falling in love again. At a year she had not started dating, but had begun to have thoughts about it, and falling in love again was about the farthest thought from my mind, but we still talked about it. I asked her two questions. 1. Did she think it would be easier or harder to fall in love again and 2. How could it be possible to let another man into your heart and love them the same way that we loved our husbands?
With tears in both of our eyes she answered with the following response. She told me that even though she had not yet found love she was thinking that it was going to be easier to fall in love again than she originally thought. She went on to say that she felt this way because she knew how great her marriage was, she knew how to love, and she knew what she once had. Although, it would be different and a different kind of love she thought falling in love would be easier and that she would love more deeply and passionately because she knew exactly what it felt like to have that love ripped away in a heartbeat. At that time, I didn't feel the same way. In fact having those feelings of love for another man was about the farthest from my mind. I wanted to believe and trust her words, but I just didn't know if I would ever be able to love somebody ever again. Now at a year and a half later and dating a great, wonderful man I can totally see how she was feeling and why she said what she said. Don't go getting all crazy on me here...I know it has only been a month since I've been seeing Mr. X. I'm not the person who throws the "L" word around like it's nothing. But I will tell you all that I do have more feelings for him that "liking him". However, I'm being careful and not rushing into anything but now I can see why Sarah said what she said.
In response to my second question...How could it be possible to let another man into your heart and love them the same way that we loved our husbands? Sarah told me that I will never love another man the way I loved Shawn. That the love we shared was special to us and only to us. She then told me that the only way she could relate loving another man was to that of adding another baby to a family. She told me that when you are a parent and have only one child, you love them with your entire heart and soul....they are the center of your world. Then one day you realize you are going to have another baby. People wonder how they could love another child how they love the first. Then she told me that once the baby is there, your heart just grows and makes room to love that second baby. As she is telling me this I remember just sitting there both of us crying. Sarah told me that is how she imagined falling in love again would be. Your heart would just grow to let that new man in. At the same time still allowing my heart to have room for Shawn. A place in my heart that will always and forever belong to Shawn. Again, when she was telling me this I wasn't sure if I believed it. It was just a piece of knowledge that I held onto and tucked away in my mind. At three months into my grief process there was no way I could love somebody. But now...maybe.
Both Jennie and Meg told me that they can tell that there is something special between Mr. X and myself. They can tell a difference in my voice. I have no idea what will or will not happen between us. Things are going fast, but at the same time I'm being smart about this and not getting too ahead of myself. However, I think part of the reason that I had such a hard time on Friday morning after hearing both songs on the radio is because I can feel my heart starting to make room for Mr. X. In a matter of minutes I was able to remember a great memory I shared with Shawn, and then minutes later be reminded of a new memory with a new man. I can feel my heart making room for him, while at the same time still loving Shawn...a love that will always be there. I will tell you it is such an odd feeling to feel your heart grow to let another person in, especially when you had the love of your life. It amazes me that I'm able to have these feelings or the start of these feelings when a year and a half ago I never ever thought I would be able to have these thoughts and feelings with another man.
There have been many emotions during this last month. So far 2010 has been a great year, a year so far filled with hope and happiness. This relationship is still new, a little nerve wracking, but at the same time it just feels so right, great and wonderful. Like I said I have no idea what will or will not happen in the future. Life is a journey that we live every day, but I will tell you...that I really do feel like my heart is starting to make room for Mr. X. It's a little scary but wonderful and amazing all at the same time.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Grief at 17 Months...
First of all let me apologize for my lack of blogging. Will you all forgive me? I have been reading blogs and commenting, but, not doing all that much writing on my own. For that I'm sorry and I promise I will get back to my regular blogging schedule soon! I don't usually go this long between posts and I just realized that is is only the second post for 2010! What the heck is up with that??!! Well, before I get to the 'meat' of this post I'm going to tell you. (and I think you may all forgive me based on my reason for not writing more) Stick with me, this one might get long! :)
Now for the meat of this post~Grief at 17 Months:
This coming Monday will mark the 17 month anniversary of Shawn's death. I can not believe that February will be a year and a half. It almost doesn't seem real to me. I mean in many many ways it does, but then again it almost doesn't. Does that make any sense at all? I still remember every single detail of the day Shawn died, I mean everything! But now just five days until the 17 month so much of my life now is so drastically different from when it was the morning Shawn died. Very few aspects of my life are the same.
In the first months after Shawn died people told me that as time moved on the pain would get easier to deal with. Every time somebody told me that I wanted to smack them upside the face! I didn't understand how people could tell me that, how did they, or how could they know it would get easier? Unless a person had walked in my shoes as a grieving wife I did not believe them. I thought it was unfair that they were even telling me that! It wasn't until I met Sarah at the one year mark of her husband's death did I start to believe that things would get easier. The following is a response to the first email that Sarah sent me the night before we met:
"I CAN tell you that it does get better. But, if I am to be truly honest w/you . . . and I would be nothing else . . . than I also must tell you that the 'better' comes at the end of a very long, dark, lonely road. I wish I could tell you it is different - but it is not. It is a journey that I have made with much love and support around me, with my faith girding me up, with my children drawn close . . . and yet, the loneliness and anguish were never removed by any of the above. At one year, I feel hope and strength and joy returning. I know that Chad would be proud and that he IS my biggest cheerleader from the sidelines of life. I know that he sees and knows and is cheering us on. I see him sometimes . . .and now I smile. Police cars drive by and they don't send me into a tailspin. But, I could not have said the same at two, or six, or even nine months."
It was the next day when I met Sarah that I first felt a little sliver of hope return to my heart. At a year after Chad's death she was happy and smiling and that made me feel good and gave me hope. At 17 months after Shawn's death I can now honestly say I believe and have lived the words in Sarah's email. She was right, the joy, happiness and smiles have started to return to my life. However, they did come after the long dark and lonely journey that Sarah told me about. I had great family and friends around me this entire time and could never have gotten this far without them. At the same time, there were moments that I have never felt so alone even with all the love and support around me. I now know that those moments were part of the entire grief process and something that I needed to go through on my own. I'm here first hand to tell you that as time moves forward the immediate pain starts to become less and less. There will always an ache and emptiness in my heart, the hurt from missing Shawn and missing the life that the two of us created together. There will always be the moments of grief that reach out and grab you. However, like Sarah, I see Shawn or signs given to me by Shawn and now I can look at these signs and smile or laugh instead of cry. I can now watch college football for and love every second of watching the game, instead of watching the game with tears in my eyes and then ending up in a puddle of tears after the game was over. But, I too could not have said the same at two, or six, or even nine months. Grief and grieving takes time, it is a journey and a long long process at 17 months the joy is returning and I'm believing more and more all the time that I will be okay!
At 17 months into this long process of grief a few other things are starting to change as well. Before Christmas I was cleaning my room and I was dusting around some items in my room that belong to Shawn. I dusted the large crystal framed wedding photo that I have sitting on my bed side table. I then dusted the shelf that holds Shawn's necklace, Oakley sunglasses, his reading glasses, a YSU football helmet and the award that I received for him. I set this area up in my room just for Shawn. Well, actually it was more for myself, than for anything. It was a place I could go and just sit and look at his things and feel peace and remember the memories by looking at those "things". Anyhow, as I was dusting I had a odd feeling wash over me. Actually it was more of a thought that Shawn would be pissed right off that his $350 Oakley sunglasses were covered in dust. At first I didn't really think much of it. However, the other day I was back in my room and found myself looking over at our wedding picture on my night stand and at the shelf. It occurred to me that it was time for the glasses to go back into their cases and for our wedding picture and the glasses to be placed in the dresser that houses several other of Shawn's items. All of a sudden it dawned on me that it was almost harder to see those items every single day, and to be reminded of my old life. Don't get me wrong, I loved and still love looking at our wedding pictures, I love going to the shelf and seeing Shawn's glasses laying there. However, during the last few months I have come to realize that I don't need to see these items every day to actually remember the memories. When Shawn first died I needed to have these objects out and around me. I had this over whelming fear that if I put them away and if they weren't out where I could constantly see them I was going to forget and that scared the hell out of me. Now, at 17 months, I know that these objects don't need to be out for me to see every day. I now know that the memories that I made with Shawn are in my heart, and will be there forever and ever and nobody can take them from me. I know that the memories that I have will live on with me in my heart and in my mind. So as of tonight, the wedding picture and glasses are tucked away safely in the dresser drawer with other items of Shawn's. They are there if I need them or want them as are a few other items of Shawn's. Don't get me wrong, I do still have items of Shawn's up around my room, but not just like how they were.
At 17 months I have realized that Shawn was right. For years and years in our marriage he told me that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I never believed him, how can you believe that you are a strong person when you rely so heavily on one person for everything in your life. Shawn was my rock...there is no other way to put it...he was my everything. I didn't need to be strong, because he was always there for me. Since Shawn's death I have realized that I'm a much stronger person that I ever thought imaginable. I'm still Jenny and I'm still me, but there are for sure things about my personality and about the way I now live my life. I am a much stronger person than I ever thought possible. I have learned a lot about ME in the last 17 months. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that Shawn was still here with me, but at the end of every night I thank him for blessing me with this strength that he always told me I had, but I failed to see. At the end of the night I thank him for instilling that strength in me, because with out the strength that Shawn gave me during our 12 year relationship I can honestly tell you I would not have made it through the last 17 months. I truly believe Shawn was in my life to teach me one of the greatest lessons about myself, a lesson that I was unwilling to see on my own.
The journey of grief is different for every person and every person grieves in a different way, and there is nothing wrong with that. This is MY journey through grief and MY feelings 17 months into the journey, a journey that I NEVER wanted or asked to walk through, but the journey that is now my life, a journey that I will continue to walk every single day. On August 18, 2008 I truly thought that my life was over, I felt that there was nothing left, then I lost our baby and I really felt like I had nothing left. I felt like I would never be able to feel love or happiness ever again. However, at 17 months I'm looking at things in a different light, a light that I don't know if you can see or understand unless you have walked in my shoes. But now, at this moment in time as I write this post I'm beginning to wonder if on August 18, 2008 at 11:37 a.m, the day and moment in time that I will always HATE and will always be etched it my mind was more of a start or a new beginning to my life than an end to it. It was sure something I didn't realize then. At 17 months I'm happy, joy is coming back to me and I know that I will now be okay, and those are feelings I surely was not feeling on the day of Shawn's death. These are feelings that have started to return after a long dark and lonely time, but I'm so grateful and blessed that they are coming back to me. I am at 17 months looking more and more ahead to my future and what it has in store for me than I ever have before!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)