Hi friends, so so sorry that it has been a week again since my last post. I have no real reason for my lack of posting other than I have been busy. I hope I haven't turned too many of you off to reading The Tale of Two Coins with my scattered posts. I guess I'm still trying to get the hang of this entire girlfriend, working more, and not sitting home as much thing down. Please forgive me...I need you all right now.

Well, yesterday I had a day, not a horrible day, but a pretty crappy day none the less. A kind of day that I used to have all of the time and was starting to worry that I was going to get used to having them, but a type of day I've been blessed enough not to have had in a long time. I could kind of feel it brewing inside of me, all the many different types of emotions being stirred around inside of me. Sadly, I've been at this grief thing long enough to feel when it's coming on but because things have been going so well for me the last few months I think I just tucked all the yucky feelings away and hoped that they would make an appearance. Well, I was wrong! Just like it always has since the day Shawn died, and probably always will the grief bug jumped out and bit me in the butt.

Late Sunday night I stood in Mr. X's drive way and we talked about the great weekend that we had. We kissed good night and told each other we would see each other tomorrow. I guess you all need some background information here. For the last month or so I have had a few sleep overs at Mr. X's house. I have never once felt any guilt at all about sleeping at his house, in his bed with him. Since the first night I stayed with him it has felt right, safe and very comfortable. That's how I figured our relationship was a good thing, because it felt right and there was no guilt. So on Sunday we stood talking and kissing in his driveway. We said our good nights and then I got into my car and started to drive home. All of a sudden it hit me, an overwhelming empty sad feeling. It just kind of washed over me. Well, at that moment I didn't feel like breaking down so I put a "happy" cd into the radio and jammed away, tucking the yucky stuff down just a bit more. (From day one I've been told that tucking your feelings away is a bad thing, and I agree with that and know that, but I'm stubborn and didn't want to deal with it then, so I tucked them away) When I got home I did a few things in my room and crawled into bed. Once again I felt sadness.

Then it hit me...I was feeling sad because I'm getting used to being with and sleeping next to Mr. X. I'm was getting used to falling asleep in his arms, waking up next to him, having him kiss me good bye in the morning, and getting used to telling him "see you later" At that moment I realized I was laying in and falling asleep in my big "empty" bed. A bed that Shawn and I shared for so many years, but now it was just my bed. It really over came me as a strange feeling. I went from sleeping in my bed with Shawn every night for 10 years, to hating being in my bed right after Shawn died, to learning to fall asleep and wake up alone every morning and night, to after a year almost getting used to sleeping alone, and now to all of a sudden not wanting to sleep alone because I want to sleep next to Mr. X. Explain to me how that happens! I'm not sure why but on Sunday night I was baffled by the whole idea of it. I mean how can I miss sleeping next to Shawn, get used to sleeping alone, and then wanting and feeling the need to sleep next to another man! Can we say confusing?! So, with that thought running around in my mind I tired to go to sleep. Boy, did I try, but sleep was just not happening for me on Sunday night. At one point I wasn't even thinking about anything, I was just laying there staring at the ceiling. The last time I looked at the clock was 5:00 a.m. I slept like a baby from 5:00 to 5:50 when my alarm went off. Go figure!

I knew as soon as I woke up Monday morning it was going to be a shitty day. I was sooo tired, which is never good for me, but then as I stepped out of bed I stepped on the plastic part of Bo's collar and it frickin' hurt. Great! At that moment I told myself that i knew it was going to be a shitty day, and to just let it happen, because in the end I knew I would feel better. And a shitty day it was. I think I felt about every human emotion known to man yesterday. I was happy, sad, excited, overwhelmed, angry, and depressed all at one time. Oh yeah, I also cried on and off for a good hour in the morning. Too make matters worse I was at work (I babysit a 5 and 3 year old) I was trying not to cry because I didn't want to upset the kids. The three year old little girl kept telling me, "Don't cry, you want me to kiss it?" Huh, that only made me cry harder.

As it turns out I wasn't the only one having a difficult day yesterday. Remember the post about my three friends who are young widows as well? Well, two of them had a crappy day yesterday too. So the three of us met for dinner and drinks. We talked about so many things last night, we talked about dating (each of us have started dating again), death, love, our futures, our husbands, and about grief. At the end of our conversation we came to this consensus about grief. Number one, it's like a disease that you have to get used to living with because it's never going away. At over a year and a half I like to say it doesn't get easier because it doesn't, but rather you just learn to live with it in a different way. Nothing about losing your husband or the grief that it brings is easy. The second thing we said is that grief is like a yoyo. It pulls you up and down by it's string when you least expect it. You can be going about your merry little business and all of a sudden the string is being pulled up, and there you are dangling in the air again, feeling a million emotions at the same time. The three of us also figure that it will be like that for some time to come. Yes, we are all living our lives again, we are all dating people, working our jobs again, learning and finding a new happiness, and even looking forward to our futures once again. We have all accepted what happened to us...our husbands died and our life and our future changed in an instant. Our future's are scary now because we have all lost that since of security that our husbands brought us. We have all accepted and dealt with that, however at the end of the day we each which that things could be "normal" again and that we could have what was instead of what is. Last night all three of us said that we have come worlds away from where we all were a year ago, but at the same time we also each said that we would give just about anything to have our husbands hold us and tell us everything was going to be ok again. The thought of Shawn holding me and telling me everything will be ok would be about the best thing right now. For now, I can still feel Shawn with me, I know he is helping me each and every day and for that I'm grateful.

Aside from the fact that I was just plain tired yesterday I think a lot of my issue yesterday was brought on by my relationship with Mr. X. Things are going GREAT!!! I'm actually amazed at how well things are going. I talk about Shawn with him and he gets it, he wants to be able to help me when I have crappy days. We spend lots and lots of time together and we get along so well and have a lot of the same interests. Like I've said before, I almost feel like in a way Shawn hand picked him for me. However, it's still a new relationship and all new relationships take time before they turn into a great relationship. For me it's kind of hard being the "girlfriend" instead of the "wife". I'm used to being the wife, it's who I am, it's what I know how to do, and being a wife is always what I've wanted to be. Being a girlfriend is totally different and i must admit it's taking some getting used too. I don't want to come a crossed too "wifey", but at the same time, I know I can offer more than your typical girlfriend. If that makes any sense at all. So for me it's kind of like a balancing act, like I'm trying to find a happy medium. Mr. X tells me all the time that I'm doing great so I'm going with that and trusting in the fact that it will all work out.

I also miss all those special moments you share with only your husband. Like the secret little jokes that only the two of you understand. The looks that you flash each other, that only the other knows about. Myself and Mr. X have started to have a few of those moments, but they still aren't the same as the moments I had with Shawn. I know they won't be, and I don't expect them to be, but at the same time..I miss those types of moments. I know as time goes on and as Mr. X and I develop our relationship more and more of those moments will happen for us. My relationship with Shawn developed over time and over years. I can only expect that my relationship with Mr. X will do the same.

So there you have it...why we call grief the yoyo effect. You can be happy one minute, and down the next. You feel so many emotions at one time it's hard to know which way is up from time to time. Grief is like a yoyo...pulling you by the string and leaving to to dangle for a while, then the string is released and everything is good. Until the next trigger and the string (grief) pulls you up again.

You would think that after a year and a half that I would know and expect that the emotions surrounding grief and the roller coaster of grief can sneak up and bite you when you least expect it. Yes...I do know that and I've come to expect that sometimes it is the small things that cause the tears to well up in my eyes and then flow down my cheeks. What I didn't realize was that now the "happy things" can cause a flurry of emotions as well. Last Friday morning was no exception, it was a little small thing that had me crying on the phone to my friend, not understanding what the hell was going on.

I woke up on Friday morning and was in a great mood, woke up smiling and everything. I had a great afternoon planned and knew that I was going to see Mr. X (that's what I'm going to call my new guy from now on) later that night. In fact Friday afternoon I was going out to lunch with his sister and was very much looking forward to that. Anyways, I woke up happy and I have to say, waking up happy, with a smile on your face is so much better than the alternative of waking up sad and with puffy eyes from crying. I got up and started my day, went downstairs, got something to eat, turned on the radio and then hopped on the computer for some Facebook time, and to catch up on blog reading. All of a sudden I heard Shawn's all time favorite song on the radio. I can now listen to music that he liked with a smile instead of crying over it. In a weird way I think it's Shawn's way of saying, "Hi" I did just that sat at the computer and smiled when I listened to it. A few minutes later I got up and changed the radio station and then all of a sudden I heard a song that a Mr. X sings to me. Again, it made me laugh and brought a smile to my face. This was the second time in one week that I had heard a favorite song of Shawn's followed moments later by a song Mr. X signs to me. Odd...a sign?? I don't know.

After that song was over and I realized I was smiling and then" it" hit me like a ton of bricks, and then the tears started and I didn't stop crying for a good hour or so. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose it was time, I hadn't cried like that in months, but at the same time it felt weird to be sitting there crying when I woke up so happy. I was sitting there thinking in the chair to myself "what the hell is your problem?" "You are happy and woke up in a good mood...stop the crying" but I really couldn't stop the tears. It was an odd feeling to remember a song that Shawn used to like so much...that meant a lot to us, while at the same time remembering a new moment made with another man within the last month.

Have I mentioned before that grief sucks? It does! Have I mentioned before that it comes out and bites you when you least expect to? It does...and I still at a week shy of 18 months I don't like it!!

I knew Meg was home so I called her because I knew she would be able to bring me back to reality. I told her about the songs and about how it was the second time that had happened during the week. I told her that I was so happy with Mr. X and that I was starting to have feelings for him more than just "liking" him. She first told me that it was okay to cry, and to have a hard moment. She reminded me that I hadn't had a crappy day in a really long time. Then she told me it was totally normal to feel that way. To have the new feelings of happiness while at the same time remembering the good times I had with Shawn. She told me that I was living and going on living my life, while another chapter of my life was closing. She was right. It was kind of I was stuck in the middle. I know I can't go back to what was...that is impossible, but the thought of what is, or what could be is great and exciting, but at the same time nervous and scary. She also told me that I've had a great time with Mr. X and that things are going well and we are moving forward and that my heart is just getting ready to let him in more. I kinda laughed a little because Jennie had told me the exact same thing earlier in the week. After talking to Meg for a while I finally stopped crying and realized I was being kind of silly and that I should just take a breath and relax. I did and I was fine and great the rest of the day.

However, after talking to Meg and after playing the statement "my heart is just getting ready to let him in more" I was instantly thrown back to a conversation I had with Sarah early last November. She had just passed the one year mark of her husband's death and I was quickly approaching the three month mark of Shawn's death. I remembered we met at Starbucks one morning for coffee. I was having an awful day and just couldn't stop crying...at a year she was having an awful day as well. We got our coffee and sat down and cried with each other for a bit. Then we got talking about falling in love again. At a year she had not started dating, but had begun to have thoughts about it, and falling in love again was about the farthest thought from my mind, but we still talked about it. I asked her two questions. 1. Did she think it would be easier or harder to fall in love again and 2. How could it be possible to let another man into your heart and love them the same way that we loved our husbands?

With tears in both of our eyes she answered with the following response. She told me that even though she had not yet found love she was thinking that it was going to be easier to fall in love again than she originally thought. She went on to say that she felt this way because she knew how great her marriage was, she knew how to love, and she knew what she once had. Although, it would be different and a different kind of love she thought falling in love would be easier and that she would love more deeply and passionately because she knew exactly what it felt like to have that love ripped away in a heartbeat. At that time, I didn't feel the same way. In fact having those feelings of love for another man was about the farthest from my mind. I wanted to believe and trust her words, but I just didn't know if I would ever be able to love somebody ever again. Now at a year and a half later and dating a great, wonderful man I can totally see how she was feeling and why she said what she said. Don't go getting all crazy on me here...I know it has only been a month since I've been seeing Mr. X. I'm not the person who throws the "L" word around like it's nothing. But I will tell you all that I do have more feelings for him that "liking him". However, I'm being careful and not rushing into anything but now I can see why Sarah said what she said.

In response to my second question...How could it be possible to let another man into your heart and love them the same way that we loved our husbands? Sarah told me that I will never love another man the way I loved Shawn. That the love we shared was special to us and only to us. She then told me that the only way she could relate loving another man was to that of adding another baby to a family. She told me that when you are a parent and have only one child, you love them with your entire heart and soul....they are the center of your world. Then one day you realize you are going to have another baby. People wonder how they could love another child how they love the first. Then she told me that once the baby is there, your heart just grows and makes room to love that second baby. As she is telling me this I remember just sitting there both of us crying. Sarah told me that is how she imagined falling in love again would be. Your heart would just grow to let that new man in. At the same time still allowing my heart to have room for Shawn. A place in my heart that will always and forever belong to Shawn. Again, when she was telling me this I wasn't sure if I believed it. It was just a piece of knowledge that I held onto and tucked away in my mind. At three months into my grief process there was no way I could love somebody. But now...maybe.

Both Jennie and Meg told me that they can tell that there is something special between Mr. X and myself. They can tell a difference in my voice. I have no idea what will or will not happen between us. Things are going fast, but at the same time I'm being smart about this and not getting too ahead of myself. However, I think part of the reason that I had such a hard time on Friday morning after hearing both songs on the radio is because I can feel my heart starting to make room for Mr. X. In a matter of minutes I was able to remember a great memory I shared with Shawn, and then minutes later be reminded of a new memory with a new man. I can feel my heart making room for him, while at the same time still loving Shawn...a love that will always be there. I will tell you it is such an odd feeling to feel your heart grow to let another person in, especially when you had the love of your life. It amazes me that I'm able to have these feelings or the start of these feelings when a year and a half ago I never ever thought I would be able to have these thoughts and feelings with another man.

There have been many emotions during this last month. So far 2010 has been a great year, a year so far filled with hope and happiness. This relationship is still new, a little nerve wracking, but at the same time it just feels so right, great and wonderful. Like I said I have no idea what will or will not happen in the future. Life is a journey that we live every day, but I will tell you...that I really do feel like my heart is starting to make room for Mr. X. It's a little scary but wonderful and amazing all at the same time.

Are you all excited for this post? The post where I talk about dating. Don't get too excited just yet, there haven't been any actual I dates, it's just going to be a post where I talk about dating.



I'm finding it really funny that now at 14 months since Shawn's death people are asking me if I have gone out on dates, or if I'm ready to start dating. I mean seriously everyone is asking me this. I got my nails done the other day and a few of the girls in the salon asked me. I took Bo outside the other day and our neighbor asked me (more on this one in a bit). One of the trainers at the gym asked me if I was "ready to get back out there"? My friends here are bound and determined to "hook" me up with just the right guy. Hell, I saw my friends' mom yesterday in the parking lot of the gym and even she said she was hoping there would be a good selection of single guys for me to pick from at this weekend's Halloween party. Everyone is telling me that I'm so pretty, yadda, yadda, yadda and have so much to offer that the guys will be lined up around my block. Uhm, I guarantee that is NOT happening, NOT even close to it! I'm telling you it's almost like people were waiting for the "politically correct one year" to be up so they could start setting me up. I think it's all kind of funny, but at the same I kind of like it because I really don't know too many people here, I'm totally new to the entire thought process of dating and you know what?...At 14 months later, I do feel like I'm ready to start dating again.



When I tell you I'm knew to the whole dating thing, I really mean it. I wasn't the girl in high school who had lots of boyfriends. Total opposite really. I didn't even go out with anybody until my Senior year. For about three months I dated Shawn's cousin. (Ok, this is a different story for a different time, but it was before I knew Shawn) Then, I briefly dated (when I say briefly I 'm talking like a month) the guy I went to prom with, but it was nothing serious at all and that was it. Two "boyfriends" my entire time in high school. I started dating Shawn in January 1996 halfway through my first year of college. We started out as "just friends", then progressed to dating, then boyfriend and girlfriend and about eight months after our first date we said "I love you" to each other. The rest is history. We dated for two years, were engaged for two years, and married for almost eight. Shawn was it, I knew deep down after only our second date that we were going to end up together.



I never in a million years thought at a week shy 32 years old I would have to worry about dating ever again. I don't know if I really even know how to date? Do you think it is something that I can pick up again? Is it like riding a bike, and you never really forget, but it will just take a little practice? I really am excited to "get back out there" and to start dating, but at the same time it is kind of nerve wracking as well. I hate to say it, but I'm kind of a picky person. I know what I want, and well, that's what I want. I'm not into playing games with somebody. I don't want to string along anybody, and I sure as hell don't want to be strung along either. That is what scares me about dating again. What if I meet somebody and we hit it off, things are going great and then all of a sudden something goes wrong and we both have our feelings invested in the relationship and one of us gets hurt. I don't want to be hurt somebody and I don't want to be hurt either. I keep telling myself that if that happens it just wasn't meant to be anyways. I tell myself that I dealt (and am dealing) with the pain of losing Shawn, and well I don't think anything could ever be as bad as that...ever. So, I'm sure I would get through a breakup, but at the same time it's a scary thought.

I also wonder about the pasts that people have. When I met Shawn we were young, neither of us had any previous relationships or anything. We knew each other if you know what I mean. Now, I'm so much older. At first I wasn't interested in dating a person who had been married before or who had kids. I didn't want to date somebody with "baggage", then I started thinking and I changed my mind. I have "baggage" myself now. My husband died, and then I miscarried our child. I could imagine that could be very intimidating for a guy on the other end. What I have come to realize is yes, I'm 32 years old. Guys my age that I want to date will probably more than likely have some sort of past. Just like I have. I want my future partner to be understanding to that, and I need to be understanding to their past as well. I just have to put my trust and faith in that as I get to know them more we can work through our pasts together.

I know who ever I date in the future will never be like Shawn. Nobody will ever be like Shawn. To be honest with you that is ok with me. I think it would be really odd to date a person who was "just like" him. However, what made me realize that I was ready to date again is the amazing relationship that Shawn and I had. Again, I know no other relationship will be like my relationship and marriage with Shawn. We had a great and very special relationship, full of love,respect, and honor for each other. The love, respect, and honor we had for each other is what made me realize that I'm ready to date. I want to be able to share those feelings and emotions with another man. Although it will be different I want to be able to have that again some day. I've realized that I want to have that again in my life, even if it is with another man. I think I'm also ready because I fully know and understand now that Shawn will ALWAYS be with me, nobody will ever replace Shawn in my heart or in my life. A part of my heart and life will always belong to Shawn. I also think I've come to understand and feel that Shawn himself would want me to be happy and he would want me to share those feelings with somebody as well. I would also like to think that in some way Shawn will have a hand in picking out a new man for me to fall in love with, someone that he would "approve" of for me.



So with all of that being said, I really do feel like I'm ready to start dating again. I hope and pray that I won't have to date forever. I would really love to go out on a date, really like the guy, spend time with him and end up having him be the "one". Hahaha...think that it will happen? Probably not, but I can hope can't I? That is how it happened with Sarah. Who knows I guess time will tell.

Oh yeah I forgot to tell you about my neighbor. So the other day I was outside with Bo when my neighbor came up and started talking to me. We talk all the time when the dogs are outside so it was no big deal. Then he started asking me how I was doing. I told him I was doing well and was really starting to spend more time with my friends and that I had started going out again. He then asked if I had dated at all. I told him a little about "T" and the blind date I went on at the end of the summer. I told him, that yes, I've started dating and realized I want to, but that there wasn't much activity yet. He then started telling me about the guy who lives a crossed the street and up the lane from me. I've seen and talked to this guy on and off throughout the summer, but not in long conversation, just kind of chit chat here and there. Well, apparently this guy has been asking my neighbor about me. My neighbor said that he seems interested in me and was wondering where I was at last week when I was in Ohio. My neighbor then told me some stuff about this guy, and sounds like he would be nice to hang out with and get to know. At the end of our conversation he asked if it was alright to give the guy up the lane my number. I checked with my neighbor to make sure he wasn't psycho or anything like that. My neighbor smiled and said, "Would I give your number to some guy who was psycho?" So, with that I gave him my number and he passed it along to the guy up the lane. Guess we shall see what happens with that.

So there you have it, my thoughts on dating. I guess I'm officially entering the dating world.(EEEKKKK!!!!) However, I know when the time, the situation, and the guy is right it will happen. I also know that it won't happen until all those things are lined up, so for now I wait and see.