I can not believe that today is August 2! This summer has gone by way way way to fast and I really don't want it to be over. I'm so not ready for the cold, snow and gray weather that will be upon us before we know it. I'm such a summer girl, and not a winter girl at all.
As well as the end of summer August also means something else to me. To me August will always remind me of the month that my entire life changed. August 8, 2008 was the day I found out I was pregnant. Thing were great for ten amazing days. Then on August 18, 2008 everything changed in literally one heart beat. As many of you know that is the day Shawn died. My world was rocked, everything I had known came crashing down around me. I had no idea what I was going to do without Shawn. However, I knew I had to keep strong and keep going because of the baby. I made it through Shawn's viewing on August 23 and 24. Made it through packing up our house, and saying good bye to my friends and life in Ohio. Then on August 28 I got another blow. That was the day I found out that the baby did not have a heart beat and I was more than likely going to lose our baby. I remember thinking there was no way that could be possible. How could God, or why would God make me lose Shawn and then our baby?
As it turns out God had other ideas and another journey for me to take. Definitely not the journey that I wanted, but the journey I have been given and I think for the most part have embraced as my new life. I think I have handled everything that has happened to me the best way I knew and in the best way now as I continue on my new journey. I'm so grateful to have had Shawn in my life, if even for a short period of time. I have learned so much about my self since his death. Things that I would have never figured out about me and about life had this not happened to me.
Things with me and Ry are going really really well. I actually couldn't be happier right now. Today actually marks seven months that we have been going out! Once again I'm finally going to bed at night and waking up in the morning with a smile on my face. It feels good to love a man again and it feels so good to be loved back. Once again I'm blessed with another great amazing guy to love. How lucky am I to be loved by two amazing men?
Even though things are 100% amazing with Ry it still doesn't take away the fact that August sucks. It's a hard month and lots of emotions swirl this time of year. I can not believe that 16 days from today will mark the second anniversary of Shawn's death. I have NO idea what to expect on August 18. Last year I knew the day was going to be horrible, I was preparing myself for it to be. As I expected it was, and as usual the days leading up to August 18 were a little harder than the actual day. This year I just don't know what will happen or how I will feel. In a way I can kind of feel the panicky feeling that I had last year before a big day creeping back in a little bit. That is a feeling I haven't had in a long while. In another way I feel as if I will be able to handle it much better this year. I'm in a 100% completely different place this year than I was last year. Then again if the day isn't crazy hard for me does that make me a bad person? I'm just not at all sure how this August 18 is going to be. In one way I can see myself crying all day, but in another way I can see it being a hard day but dealing with it in a different way. I know I will go out to the cemetery how I always do on any big day. I will go out in the morning by myself and do what I do out there and I was thinking about maybe asking Ry if he wants to go back out with me at night. Of course only if he wants too and only if it is something he is comfortable with. (He has never gone out there yet with me) I know I will continue the tradition I started last year and I will buy myself a new UofM t-shirt in honor of Shawn. Other than those two things I really don't know what will happen or how I will be on August 18. I guess as of right now I'm just going to continue to take it a day at a time and see what happens. As usual I know with all the memories of Shawn I have, support of my family, friends, new friends, and Ry I will be able to get through the day as it approaches. But that still doesn't mean I have to like the month of August right? ;)
Showing posts with label Ry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ry. Show all posts
Monday, August 2, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A Secret Revealed-"Sometimes Wishes Do Come True"
Wow...look at this...two posts in one week!! I'm on a roll. Sure I am, lets see if I can keep this up.
Okay, so I think it is time that I reveal one of little secrets that I have been keeping from all of you. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just think the time is right that I share this with you. Are you all ready???....
Remember at the start of the summer when I posted about how great Memorial Day weekend was? Well if not I will refresh your memory and give you the short answer by telling you it was GREAT! Ry, his kids and myself all went to Traverse City for the weekend to my Grandparents house. It was a wonderful weekend and we all had a great time. It was probably one of the best weekends I have had up there in a long time. My entire family totally embraced Ry and the kids. It was just an overall fantastic weekend! The second half of the weekend we spent at Ry's parents cottage on another little lake near our town. The kids spent Sunday night with his parents so the two of us could go out with some friends and once again we had a great time. Okay, I think that pretty much sums up the background of our weekend. Now onto the secret....
You ready???
Well at the end of that fantastic Memorial Day weekend Ry and I told each other that we loved each other! You read that right...the big "L" word was used for the first time late that Sunday night! Here is the story....
Before Ry, the kids and I left Traverse City on that Sunday afternoon we decided to take the kids out to lunch at a little local pizzeria. Outside of the restaurant was a wishing well. Ry and I explained to the kids what a wishing well was and told them to make a wish when they threw their penny into the well. We told them that they couldn't tell anyone their wish because otherwise it would not come true. Ry's daughter who is seven totally got the concept, his little boy who is four not so much, but he still thought it was fun throwing a penny into the fountain. So Ry, gave each of the kids and myself a penny and with a smile told all three of us to make a wish. With that the three of us threw our pennies into the fountain. We all walked away with smiles on our faces and made the three hour drive back to Ry's parents cottage. We talked about wishing wells during our drive but none of us shared our wish with anyone.
So later that same night the kids stayed up at the cottage and Ry and I went out with some friends of ours. We ended up staying out really late but the four of us had a great time hanging out. After we left his friends that night Ry and I were talking. We weren't really talking about anything in specific, but we were having a great conversation. We tend to have our great talks late at night. So anyways, we were talking. All of a sudden Ry says, "You are awesome" Me being the idiot I am and not thinking this was going to be a "serious" moment says, "Yeah, I know that, I've been telling you that for a while now." Ry then goes, "No seriously, you are great, you are so awesome, I love you"
Uhmmm excuse me what did you just say?? So with those words, a lump in my throat and little tears in my eyes I replied with just that, "What did you just say?!" Ry says, "I love you" To which I respond with, "Well that is a really good thing because I love you too!"
After that the two of us talked about how we had both known our feeling for each other for a while, but we both had wanted to make sure our feelings were real and we weren't just caught up in the "emotions" of being in a relationship again. I think in a way we were both a little scared to say the "L" word because then it would take it to the next level. And while we had both been hurt in two totally different ways we had been hurt and didn't want to be hurt again. We talked about how things happen in your life for a reason and that yes, shit does happen to good people, as it had to both of us. We talked until the wee hours of the morning that night. We talked about how there are different kinds of love for the different people in our lives. He knows I will always love Shawn and I know he will always love his ex-wife who is the mother of his amazing kids. We talked about how the timing of things just happened to be right for us. So on Sunday May 30, Ry and I said that we loved each other for the first time.
But, here is the kicker of the story. Remember earlier that day when we all made the wish at the wishing well? Well the wish I made was that Ry and I would soon get to the point in our relationship where we would be able to tell each other that we loved each other. I had known for a while that I loved him and I figured he did too by his actions and things we talked about, but I wanted us to be able to get to the point where we actually said it. So saying "I love you" with Ry is what I wished for at the well earlier that day.
As we were talking I asked Ry if he wanted to hear something funny. He said sure he did. With that I told him that when we were at the wishing well with the kids that I wished that one day we would soon be able to say we loved each other. Ry, then gave me huge hug, gave me a kiss and whispered in my ear "Sometimes wishes do come true"
He was right, sometimes your wishes do come true. Little did I know that a wish I made hours earlier would come true. About seven months after Shawn died I wished for the happiness and for love to once again return to my life. I wished to be able to share love and happiness with another great guy, a great guy that Shawn would like and would approve of. I wished that wish every single night. Little did I know that both my wishes would come true when I would least expect them. I found Ry when I wasn't looking and our relationship is so great and he is just amazing. Wish one accomplished. Then once again when I wished to be able to say "I love you" it happened and how it happened was so special and great.
I am so lucky to be able to have loved and still love Shawn. I'm so lucky to be in love and to be loving Ry and to be loved back once again by a wonderful man. I am lucky.
Ry was right....Sometimes your wishes do come true.
Okay, so I think it is time that I reveal one of little secrets that I have been keeping from all of you. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just think the time is right that I share this with you. Are you all ready???....
Remember at the start of the summer when I posted about how great Memorial Day weekend was? Well if not I will refresh your memory and give you the short answer by telling you it was GREAT! Ry, his kids and myself all went to Traverse City for the weekend to my Grandparents house. It was a wonderful weekend and we all had a great time. It was probably one of the best weekends I have had up there in a long time. My entire family totally embraced Ry and the kids. It was just an overall fantastic weekend! The second half of the weekend we spent at Ry's parents cottage on another little lake near our town. The kids spent Sunday night with his parents so the two of us could go out with some friends and once again we had a great time. Okay, I think that pretty much sums up the background of our weekend. Now onto the secret....
You ready???
Well at the end of that fantastic Memorial Day weekend Ry and I told each other that we loved each other! You read that right...the big "L" word was used for the first time late that Sunday night! Here is the story....
Before Ry, the kids and I left Traverse City on that Sunday afternoon we decided to take the kids out to lunch at a little local pizzeria. Outside of the restaurant was a wishing well. Ry and I explained to the kids what a wishing well was and told them to make a wish when they threw their penny into the well. We told them that they couldn't tell anyone their wish because otherwise it would not come true. Ry's daughter who is seven totally got the concept, his little boy who is four not so much, but he still thought it was fun throwing a penny into the fountain. So Ry, gave each of the kids and myself a penny and with a smile told all three of us to make a wish. With that the three of us threw our pennies into the fountain. We all walked away with smiles on our faces and made the three hour drive back to Ry's parents cottage. We talked about wishing wells during our drive but none of us shared our wish with anyone.
So later that same night the kids stayed up at the cottage and Ry and I went out with some friends of ours. We ended up staying out really late but the four of us had a great time hanging out. After we left his friends that night Ry and I were talking. We weren't really talking about anything in specific, but we were having a great conversation. We tend to have our great talks late at night. So anyways, we were talking. All of a sudden Ry says, "You are awesome" Me being the idiot I am and not thinking this was going to be a "serious" moment says, "Yeah, I know that, I've been telling you that for a while now." Ry then goes, "No seriously, you are great, you are so awesome, I love you"
Uhmmm excuse me what did you just say?? So with those words, a lump in my throat and little tears in my eyes I replied with just that, "What did you just say?!" Ry says, "I love you" To which I respond with, "Well that is a really good thing because I love you too!"
After that the two of us talked about how we had both known our feeling for each other for a while, but we both had wanted to make sure our feelings were real and we weren't just caught up in the "emotions" of being in a relationship again. I think in a way we were both a little scared to say the "L" word because then it would take it to the next level. And while we had both been hurt in two totally different ways we had been hurt and didn't want to be hurt again. We talked about how things happen in your life for a reason and that yes, shit does happen to good people, as it had to both of us. We talked until the wee hours of the morning that night. We talked about how there are different kinds of love for the different people in our lives. He knows I will always love Shawn and I know he will always love his ex-wife who is the mother of his amazing kids. We talked about how the timing of things just happened to be right for us. So on Sunday May 30, Ry and I said that we loved each other for the first time.
But, here is the kicker of the story. Remember earlier that day when we all made the wish at the wishing well? Well the wish I made was that Ry and I would soon get to the point in our relationship where we would be able to tell each other that we loved each other. I had known for a while that I loved him and I figured he did too by his actions and things we talked about, but I wanted us to be able to get to the point where we actually said it. So saying "I love you" with Ry is what I wished for at the well earlier that day.
As we were talking I asked Ry if he wanted to hear something funny. He said sure he did. With that I told him that when we were at the wishing well with the kids that I wished that one day we would soon be able to say we loved each other. Ry, then gave me huge hug, gave me a kiss and whispered in my ear "Sometimes wishes do come true"
He was right, sometimes your wishes do come true. Little did I know that a wish I made hours earlier would come true. About seven months after Shawn died I wished for the happiness and for love to once again return to my life. I wished to be able to share love and happiness with another great guy, a great guy that Shawn would like and would approve of. I wished that wish every single night. Little did I know that both my wishes would come true when I would least expect them. I found Ry when I wasn't looking and our relationship is so great and he is just amazing. Wish one accomplished. Then once again when I wished to be able to say "I love you" it happened and how it happened was so special and great.
I am so lucky to be able to have loved and still love Shawn. I'm so lucky to be in love and to be loving Ry and to be loved back once again by a wonderful man. I am lucky.
Ry was right....Sometimes your wishes do come true.
Monday, July 12, 2010
"I Will Not Say Goodbye"
This afternoon I was cleaning and as I always do when I clean I turned the TV on and was listening to music. I usually put on one of the channels that plays nothing but music, but today I decided to listen to a little country music, so I had on CMT. I was minding my own business, sweeping, moping, and dusting away when all of a sudden I heard a song that stopped me in my tracks. It's by a guy named Danny Gokey, I'm not 100% sure, but I think he may have won American Idol one or two seasons ago. If he didn't win it then he came in second place. I'm not really sure, I have to admit, I'm probably the only person who doesn't watch the show. I think I have only seen maybe one or two episodes, ever and they just happened to be the two with him. His wife suddenly died of a heart condition just one month before he auditioned for American Idol. Anyways, I haven't heard a thing about him or by him until today. Anyways, I was cleaning I heard the song and it caught me totally off guard. The song is called "I Will Not Say Goodbye" and it is an amazing song. I would like you all to take a little listen. I think if any of you have ever lost a person close to you in your life you will find this to be a touching song. Just a little warning though...you might want to grab a Kleenex and keep it close to you. It's a great song, but it's a little tear jerker.
Sometimes the road just ends
It changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be
Is empty, lonely, broken, hopin'
I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on
I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying
If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone
I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
I will curse
I will pray
I'll relive everyday
I will shelter the blame
I'll shout out your name
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
I will not say goodbye
Will not say ooooohhhhh
Need you make it through without any tears? The words in this song are so true in so many ways for me. Although, I'm so happy and blessed to say that today I'm in a much much much better place than I was almost two years ago. Once again, I'm happy and loving life. Ry and I have a GREAT relationship and he is such an amazing wonderful guy. I love him, his family and his kids, and they all love me back which is such an awesome feeling. I feel like Shawn kind of "hand picked" him for me, and that brings such a smile to my face. However, the words of this song left me with tears in my eyes and took me back instantly to the first few months after Shawn passed away. What an awful, horrible, dazed time.
The words are right...sometimes the road does just end. It ends and leaves you without any answers. It just STOPS without any kind of warning. I kissed Shawn goodbye early that morning when he left for work, and then three hours later I was a widow. It just stopped! Right after Shawn died and in the months following I remember thinking to myself "now what am I supposed to do, everything I have known is gone, my life will never be the same, now what" I knew I needed to be strong. I knew that is what Shawn would have wanted, that is what he had taught me during our life together...to be strong. I remember thinking there was no way I was going to let him down. As a little time started to pass and things started to get a "little better" I also remember thinking that I didn't want them to get better. I didn't want to get better. I had this thought because I think I thought that I if I was better and things were better than it would be that I would forget him. I also think that is why months 6-9 were so hard for me. I knew I had to get better. I knew I had to start living my life again, but I didn't want to because I didn't want to forget him. At almost two years now, I know that is not the case. I will NEVER forget Shawn, the husband he was, the man he was, what he did for me, how much he loved me, and how much I loved him. Those things will always, always, always be with him. A piece of my heart will always belong to him.
At first I didn't believe it when people told me that time would help. To me in the early months time just made it worse. It was just more hours, days, weeks, and months that I wasn't going to be with Shawn. Time without Shawn (a.k.a the future) was scary and I didn't even want to think about time going by. However, at a month shy of two years I can now say that time does help, time does heal and that takes time to get to that point. It never takes the pain away, but it does help. As more time passes I have learned different ways to deal with the grief, and I think that is what helps. Or at least that is what has helped me.
The widow in the video who lost her husband in the war said it best when she said that she is blessed to have the time with her husband that she did even though it was too short, and when she says she can't imagine not having her husband in her life. I feel exactly the same way. I'm so grateful for the time I was able to have with Shawn. I'm grateful for what he taught me, and for the love that we shared. And, I can not imagine my life without him in it. Those moments will always be so special to me and it will be a time that I always hold close to my heart.
I just wanted to share this song with you in case you had not yet heard it. Stay tuned...over the next few days I'm thinking it's time to reveal one of my "secrets"
Sometimes the road just ends
It changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be
Is empty, lonely, broken, hopin'
I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on
I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying
If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone
I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
I will curse
I will pray
I'll relive everyday
I will shelter the blame
I'll shout out your name
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
I will not say goodbye
Will not say ooooohhhhh
Need you make it through without any tears? The words in this song are so true in so many ways for me. Although, I'm so happy and blessed to say that today I'm in a much much much better place than I was almost two years ago. Once again, I'm happy and loving life. Ry and I have a GREAT relationship and he is such an amazing wonderful guy. I love him, his family and his kids, and they all love me back which is such an awesome feeling. I feel like Shawn kind of "hand picked" him for me, and that brings such a smile to my face. However, the words of this song left me with tears in my eyes and took me back instantly to the first few months after Shawn passed away. What an awful, horrible, dazed time.
The words are right...sometimes the road does just end. It ends and leaves you without any answers. It just STOPS without any kind of warning. I kissed Shawn goodbye early that morning when he left for work, and then three hours later I was a widow. It just stopped! Right after Shawn died and in the months following I remember thinking to myself "now what am I supposed to do, everything I have known is gone, my life will never be the same, now what" I knew I needed to be strong. I knew that is what Shawn would have wanted, that is what he had taught me during our life together...to be strong. I remember thinking there was no way I was going to let him down. As a little time started to pass and things started to get a "little better" I also remember thinking that I didn't want them to get better. I didn't want to get better. I had this thought because I think I thought that I if I was better and things were better than it would be that I would forget him. I also think that is why months 6-9 were so hard for me. I knew I had to get better. I knew I had to start living my life again, but I didn't want to because I didn't want to forget him. At almost two years now, I know that is not the case. I will NEVER forget Shawn, the husband he was, the man he was, what he did for me, how much he loved me, and how much I loved him. Those things will always, always, always be with him. A piece of my heart will always belong to him.
At first I didn't believe it when people told me that time would help. To me in the early months time just made it worse. It was just more hours, days, weeks, and months that I wasn't going to be with Shawn. Time without Shawn (a.k.a the future) was scary and I didn't even want to think about time going by. However, at a month shy of two years I can now say that time does help, time does heal and that takes time to get to that point. It never takes the pain away, but it does help. As more time passes I have learned different ways to deal with the grief, and I think that is what helps. Or at least that is what has helped me.
The widow in the video who lost her husband in the war said it best when she said that she is blessed to have the time with her husband that she did even though it was too short, and when she says she can't imagine not having her husband in her life. I feel exactly the same way. I'm so grateful for the time I was able to have with Shawn. I'm grateful for what he taught me, and for the love that we shared. And, I can not imagine my life without him in it. Those moments will always be so special to me and it will be a time that I always hold close to my heart.
I just wanted to share this song with you in case you had not yet heard it. Stay tuned...over the next few days I'm thinking it's time to reveal one of my "secrets"
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