Finally after a long drawn out process Shawn's wedding ring that I had designed into a ring for myself is finished. If you don't remember what I'm talking see this post ://taleoftwocoins.blogspot.com/2009/08/it-came-to-me-in-dream.html. Basically, the idea for Shawn's wedding ring came to me in a dream.

A few days after the dream I took Shawn's wedding ring to a local jeweler with a picture of exactly what I wanted the ring to look like. I also told them the significance to this ring and what had happened. I wanted to make sure they would be extra careful with Shawn's ring and not lose it. That was in mid-August and I was told the ring would be ready in three weeks. So I waited patiently. A few days after the three week mark I called to see if it was done. They said no, it would take a few more days. Several days went by and I called again. Still not done. At this point I was starting to get a little irritated. A part of me didn't care because I wanted it done right, but then again if it was going to take longer than three weeks I wish they just would have told me. Then last Thursday I was out at the mall so I figured I would stop in and see if it was ready. The jeweler, they guy making the ring for me told me it was 90% done and that if it wasn't done the next night it would for sure be done by Saturday. He told me that he had it finished once, but didn't like how it looked so he re-did part of it. I told him no problem because I wanted it perfect and I tend to be a picky person (especially when it came to this).

Saturday late afternoon they called and said the ring was finally finished. I got myself ready and my mom, sister and I ran out to the mall to pick it up. I have to admit I was a little excited to see what it looked like. We got to the store and I told the lady I was here to pick up a ring and gave her my last name. She went into the back and came out with a small envelope and then gave me the ring. I looked at it and was instantly upset, almost with tears in my eyes. Shawn's wedding ring had five small diamonds in it and they did not put the diamonds in the ring. Immediately I asked the girl where the diamonds were. She looked at me with this blank stare on her face and told me she new nothing about it. Of course she didn't! I told her there were five diamonds and I wanted to know where they were and why they were not in the ring. She told me she couldn't answer my questions because she did not make the ring. Of course she couldn't! I then told her how important this was to me and that I had also informed them of this before I left the ring. She proceeded to tell me that it was "probably" just a miscommunication between the two jewelers working at the store. Ya think!! Then I was given two options. Number one, I could take the ring with me as is and then bring it back on Monday to be fixed. Or, number two, I could keep the ring at the store and have them fix it first thing Monday morning.

Guess what...I picked option number two but I also made them call the jeweler at home after his shift had ended. First of all I was irritated that the diamonds were not out back in the ring. However, I was irritate at the fact that they didn't even give the diamonds back to me. What the heck did they think...that I wanted them to keep the diamonds? I know they were small, but come on I still wanted them back! It was almost like they were trying to steal them from me. Ok fine, if it was a miscommunication I get that, but the diamonds still should have been given back to me. Once the lady got off the phone with the jeweler he assured her he knew right were the diamonds were at and that he would re-work the ring and add the diamonds and it would be finished for me to pick up Monday night. Last night about a half hour before the mall closed they called me and said the ring was done. Needless to say I didn't go and get it last night. I did go and get it today though. This is what Shawn's wedding ring looked like before. I tried to crop my rings out but it wasn't working so well, so you get to see them again too.

I'm sure most of you who read my blog may also read Nancy's as well. http://theotherlifeofnancy.blogspot.com/ and http://thenewlifeofnancy.blogspot.com/ I've "known" Nancy almost two years. Wow, I guess it really has been about that long. I first met her on the WebMd trying to conceive message boards. Nancy has shown me much love, kindness, and support ever since. Today Nancy also awarded me with the Kreativ Blog Award. Thanks a bunch Nancy! The rules for this award are:
1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each

Geesh, now for seven things you don't know about me. I will try to think of some "good ones"
1. I rub my feet together when I get tired. The feet rubbing happens any time of day I'm tired, not just at night.

2. I only eat bananas if they are green and on the hard side. I can't stand soft mushy bananas.

3. I can't stand drinking plain water. GROSS!! Can't begin to tell you the last time I had a glass of just water.

4. I LOVE notepads of any type. Post its, the grocery list type, little note cubes...Love them all!

5. I have a slight case of OCD. All of my clothes in my closet are arranged my first sleeve length, then color and are divided up into seasons. When I lived in Youngstown my food pantry was organized by can size and alphabetical. When I change the sheets on my bed, the sheet must be even on all sides. I've been known to rip apart a bed if the sheets aren't on it the right way. Ok, so it's probably more than a slight case.

6. When I younger I wanted to be a QVC program host. I would even practise selling various items at my desk in my room. Go a head and laugh...I know you want to.

7. The first time I ever did anything even semi dangerous was the last time I was in Youngstown and I rode on Jennie's motorcycle. I tend to way over think things and not do them if there is even a hint of getting hurt.

Now, I'm giving this award to the following 7 people.

1. Tami at http://therothreport.blogspot.com/
2. Amy at http://keepingupwiththeschultzfamily.blogspot.com/
3. Pocket Full of Pink at http://pocketfullofpink.blogspot.com/
4. Morgan at http://morganseverydaylife.blogspot.com/
5. Jen at http://shaemata.blogspot.com/
6. Jodi at http://ourcrazylife81.blogspot.com/
7. Sarah at http://bio-girl.blogspot.com/

I hope you all enjoyed learning seven new things about me. Now I can't wait to learn seven things about you!

Ok, I feel awful/horrible about this next part. I mean I feel really bad :(

Within the last few weeks I have also received a few other blog awards and I'm so grateful to all of the people who gave me the awards. I really am. However, on a piece of paper I wrote down who awarded me what award, so I could properly thank each of them. I wrote in on a piece of paper from one of my little note pads and placed it on my desk. Or, so I thought. Tonight when I got ready to to this post I couldn't find the piece of paper and well because my mind still isn't totally all back yet I can't remember who gave me what award. I'm so sorry about that. I'm sure you know who you are and I want to thank you all very very much from the bottom of my heart for awarding me and my blog with the following awards. I've said it before, my blogging family has been a great deal of support and encouragement to me and I want to thank each of you. I'm so sorry I can't give the following three people the thank you that they deserve. I hope you will forgive me.

How many of you have seen this move? It came out last Friday and I have now seen it twice. It isn't the most fast paced movie ever made, but I think it is really really good none the less. Here is the plot of the movie in a nut shell that I found on a movie website...

"Aaron Eckhart and Jennifer Aniston star in the romantic drama Love Happens. When a self-help author arrives in Seattle to teach a sold-out seminar, he unexpectedly meets the one person who might finally be able to help him help himself. Dr. Burke Ryan (Eckhart) is on the precipice of a major multimedia deal, but the therapist who asks his patients to openly confront their pain is secretly unable to take his own advice. Eloise Chandler (Aniston) has sworn off men and decided to focus on her floral business. However, when she meets Burke at the hotel where hes speaking, there is an instant attraction. But will two people who have met the right person at exactly the wrong time be able to give love another chance? As each struggles with the hurt of love and loss, they realize that in order to move forward, they need to let go of the past. And if they can, they'll find that, sometimes, love happens when you least expect it."

I'm not going to lie, the movie does have a few sad parts in it. I did have tears a few times and then goose bumps a few times as well. I saw the movie the first time with my mom, sister, and cousin. The three of them said the movie, but was ok, and not really what they were expecting it to be. I however, left the theater feeling hopeful for my future. Maybe it's just because my mom, sister, and cousin have never lived through losing a spouse, maybe that is why they found the movie to be a bit more depressing that I did. I am actually living this movie and I found the movie encouraging and refreshing. Like I said earlier, there are sad parts, but there are some really happy and awe inspiring parts as well. On Friday night I went with two other ladies here in town who are young widows as well. Like me, the really enjoyed the movie and felt hopeful for their futures as well after watching the movie. The three of us walked out of the theater with the attitude of, "yeah, this is our life and hopefully one day we will all be happy again"

The basic message of the movie is that after surviving a loss it is ok to move on, it is ok to be happy again. However, before you can find real happiness you need to make sure you face the grief of the loss head on because without facing that you would be fooling yourself for future happiness. Then, once you have come to terms with the past, the emotions, and the grief you will realize that it is ok to live your life again, it is ok to fall in love again and that doesn't mean that you will ever stop loving the person you lost. The catch of the movie is...falling in love again will happen when you are least expecting it to.

I would highly suggest going to see this movie, and I really don't think you need to be a widow to fully understand what the movie is about. However, you may just like my mom, sister, and cousin interpret the movie in a different way than I did and that is ok.

This will definitely be a movie that I buy for my collection once it comes out on DVD, oh by the way the soundtrack to the movie is really good as well.

Well, I haven't had a random post in a while, so I thought it was about time for that. Plus I know a few of you like posts that are random in nature, if you are one of those people this post if for you!

*Grey's Anatomy~I just don't know what to say about that show, besides depressing! I had never seen the show up until last year. One night last November I decided to give the show a try and I watched an episode with my mom, sister and friend Meg. The one I watched a guys wife died, needless to say I cried the entire hour. It hit way to close to home for me, I never watched it again. Then I thought to myself tonight to give it another shot. I mean EVERYONE I know watches this show so I thought I would too. OMGosh!! It was horrible from the start. I think I sat with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat the entire two hours. The end where each doctor said a little something about grief and living was by far the worst part of the entire show. I had tears, the throat lump, and goose bumps all going at the same time. I kept telling myself to go into another room and not watch, but I just couldn't pull myself away...stupid show! I haven't totally made up my mind if I will watch the rest of the season.

*I think I may have a start to a high heel shoe problem! There I said it! I have never in my life worn high heels before. Maybe a little stump of a heel, but never high and for sure never anything "wild and crazy" Then one day last month my friend Collette and I were shopping and she was looking at the most amazing pair of shoes ever. I told her that I didn't even own a pair of heels. To which she responded, "All of us needs at least one good pair of heels" That was the start of my high heel shoe shopping. That was also the day I got the amazing pair of snake skin heels to wear with that purple dress for Sarah's wedding. They were originally $75 and I got them on clearance for $10. Then a few weeks ago I was with my mom shopping in a local department store and I found the orange pair. Just for giggles I tried them on. I wasn't going to buy them, they were WAY to orange for me, let alone the fact I could seriously hurt myself in them. Then I put my little foot in them and fell in love. They were crazy expensive at $125.00. I however only paid $20. Yes, I am a deal shopper. Then last weekend I was with my sister when I stumbled acrossed the adorable giraffe type print shoes. Again, so cute! They were $70 and I got them for $20. With in the last month I have gotten all of these shoes for a grand total of $50! Pretty sweet deal I'd say because the total of these shoes off sale would have been $270. However I have a confession to make...each and every pair kill my feet!! I've been walking around in them at home, but can still only wear each pair for a short amount of time. Guess heels will take more getting used to then my favorite old pair of Nike Flip Flops.


*Coffee, up until the start of this summer I hated the taste of coffee. I mean I seriously could not stand the taste of it. Then Sarah started putting a little coffee in my hot chocolate. Then Jenni got me drinking bot the hot and iced Caramel Mocchiato's from Starbucks. I love the iced ones...they are so yummy and full of caramel. Then the other day I was in the drive through and noticed something called a Pumpkin Spiced Latte.

On a Saturday night last August while I was sitting in an ER with Shawn my mom and sister were sitting in an ER here, with our 85 year old neighbor Ruth. Ruth and her family have lived four houses down from my family for my entire life. Ruth and her husband Bill were friends of my Grandparents. Ruth and Bill watched and help take care of my Dad and Uncle when they were young. Their daughter Ann was my babysitter during my entire childhood and way back when I even watched one of Ann's little boys. Our families have been extremely close for the last 50 years.

Since that night last August Ruth has been in an assisted living home here in town. She has had good times and bad. She has felt great and has had other days where she didn't feel well at all. My parents and sister have gone out once a week, if not more to visit Ruth for the last year. I selfishly have only seen her once since I have been back home. I have never done well in a hospital/nursing home setting and last year going to see Ruth there was a lot for me to deal with after losing Shawn. See Ruth's husband, Bill, died many many years ago and both her children live out of state so my parents are kind of like her kids and have helped take care of her and her house over the years. Ruth has been like a Grandmother to myself, sister and brother. The last several weeks we knew her health was getting worse. Then last Thursday we got a call from Ann asking us to please go to the nursing home and stay with Ruth until she could get into town because they didn't know if she was going to make in through the night. Everyday since then either my mom, or dad has been with Ruth and her kids at the nursing home. There were several times over the weekend when they thought she would not take her next breath, but for what ever reason she did, she kept on fighting it. When my parents came home from seeing her last night they both said that they didn't think it would be too much longer.

This morning at a little after 2:00 a.m., Ann called my parents to tell them that Ruth had passed away. This morning when I was getting around to leave my Dad told me that Ruth passed away in the middle of the night. We were all expecting it so it's not like it was a big shock. When my Dad told me I was sad, but at the same time I was relieved. I was relieved for Ruth. For one thing she was no longer in pain. For another, she was finally able to see and be with Bill again after all those years apart and that made me feel so happy for her.

Maybe it's just what I have gone through with losing Shawn and the baby, but up until last week when Ruth took a turn for the worse I really never looked at death like that. For some reason the thought of death and dying has always scared me. I don't do well at funerals, at all, and the thought of death used to freak me out. However, last week when we got the call that Ruth was not doing well all I could think about was that more than likely in the next few days she was going to be able to see her husband again in Heaven and how great that must be. Somehow that made me feel much better. I am in no means ready to die and I know I have a lot of life left to live, but on the same hand I'm not really scared to die anymore either because I know that is when I will be with Shawn again and that gives me a feeling of peace. Ruth was a big part of my families life and she will be dearly missed, but now she is in a much better place.

Like I said Ruth and Bill were like Grandparents to my sister, brother and I. When I was young I had really long hair, I mean crazy long hair and I would go down to Ruth's house and I would sit on their living room floor and Ruth would put french braids in my hair. Ruth loved to bake and one of my favorite memories of Ruth and Bill's house was walking in when Ruth was baking bread, I remember the entire house would smell amazing. Ruth also helped me a lot with my homework when I was younger. Math was not my strong point (ok, it's still not) but I would go down to their house and Ruth would sit with me at the kitchen table and help me over and over again. Every time Ruth watched me she would read a book to me called, "Cindy Bakes A Funny Cake" it is a pop up book and used to be Ann's when she was young. Anyways, I remember sitting on Ruth's lap and asking her to read the book over and over again. I loved it when Ruth would read this to me. This summer when they were getting ready to sell the house I asked Ann if I could have that book. Now, "Cindy Bakes a Funny Cake" in on my bookshelf. I got it out and read it a little while ago, and it still smells like the smell of their house.

When we got the call last Thursday we didn't expect Ruth to make it through the night but she did. Everyone was kind of thinking that she was waiting for her kids to get into town. When they arrived everyone thought that Ruth would pass soon after that, but she didn't. For whatever reason she kept on fighting, even though she was in pain. Nobody really knew why she kept hanging on, and everyone kept telling her that it was ok for her to just close her eyes and go, but yet it took almost five days. During these five days I had this thought: "what makes it ok for an 85 year old elderly lady who had led and amazing and full life keep going and to keep fighting to live when everyone around her is telling her it's ok to go because of the pain she is in. Everyone thought she wanted to go, but just couldn't for some reason. Then on the other side of things you have a young 31 year old life like Shawn's with so much life left to live, that was taken so suddenly without any warning." I really don't know if that made any sense to any of you, however, I have been wondering this for the last few days. Then this afternoon it came to me, and you know what it's the same answer that I've come to before and that is this. It doesn't matter if Ruth was ready to die or not, or if Shawn was ready to die. In the end it's all up to God and the timing that God wants for our life events to happen in. We all just have to be here for the ride and trust and believe in that.

I will always remember Ruth and the memories that she shared with our family and one day if I have any children I will be sure to read "Cindy Bakes a Funny Cake" to them.

Saturday was Bo's first birthday!! Of course I took a few pictures of the big day so I thought I'd share them with you. There are also a few pictures of him from the night I picked him out and his first night home.
This was taken on Saturday morning. Like how the little dude stretches out and takes up almost the entire bed? He slept til 9:30 on Saturday, he must not of known or cared that it was his birthday!

Surprise!!! Do you all like my new blog design?

A few weeks ago I started thinking that I wanted a new blog look. Don't get me wrong I loved my last look. It was done for me by a great blogging friend Jen at http://shaemata.blogspot.com/. Jen gave me that look shortly after Shawn passed away. I told her I wanted something soft in color, and whimsical feeling. I wanted that design to reflect my mood during that first year without Shawn and I think she did a wonderful job accomplishing that.

However, like I said a few weeks ago I started thinking I wanted a new look. As I went into my second year of being a widow I was filled with a sense of peace and calmness. Although, I know I will still have difficult days, I have also come to realize that I want this year to be filled with new happiness and hope as I try to put the pieces of my life back together, and as I strive to find my new normal. So that is where the idea of a new blog design came from. I wanted my blog to reflect my feelings and emotions. I wanted my blog to have some bright and happy colors in it and a brand new layout.

So Thursday I contacted Jen, and told her what I wanted. She told me she would be more than happy to give me a new look. Friday night we started working on the make-over. I'm not sure why I'm saying 'we' because I really didn't do anything except tell Jen what I wanted, she did ALL the work, and she did it fast at that. We, I mean she installed it Sunday evening. I think she did a WONDERFUL job and I couldn't be happier with it! The new design is exactly what I was thinking in my head. I love the new header, the bright new colors, and I love the picture of Bo and Shawn's football! Jen did a GREAT job!! I think this new design will reflect my renewed feeling of HOPE as I approach this next year.

Jen you did an AMAZING job!! Thank you so much once again for doing this for me. You have a real talent and gift at blog make-overs. You will be getting your surprise soon!

I hope you all like it as well. If you happen to see any spelling errors, or find any part of the new layout hard to read will you please leave me a comment telling me? Jen and I worked on this on and off all weekend. We looked at it over and over again, and you know when you look at something for such a long time you miss little things? So please if you see anything just let me know.

Thank you all so much once again for following me over the last year. Thank you for being with me as I start year two of my new journey. Thank you for all the love, the prayers, and support through all of your comments! I love you all!!

A few nights ago I had a dream about Shawn. I shared it with the ladies in "my group" but I've been thinking a lot about this dream, so I thought I'd share it with you all as well and see what you all thought about it. I've had a few different dreams about Shawn, but somehow this one was different and I can't really explain how, it just was.

Here is what happened in the dream:

I was our house. The type of house that Shawn and I always dreamed of having, a big log cabin home. I was sitting on the couch reading a book when all of a sudden I heard our baby cry. (Yes, in my dream I had a baby, our baby) I got up to get the baby out of his crib. When I got to the baby, I realized the baby looked just like Shawn did when he was an infant. I put the baby in the high chair to feed him lunch, then the baby started talking. However, it wasn't a baby voice, it was Shawn's voice. The voice I heard that the day he passed away. After I fed the baby lunch he started crying. I picked him up and was able to console him right away. Here is where the dream gets really strange. The next day I woke up and went to get the baby. The baby was bigger and by bigger I mean by a few years. The baby was growing before my eyes. As the baby was getting bigger it was getting harder and harder for me to console him and to make him feel better when he was crying. As the baby was growing he started to look more and more like Shawn did, but in the dream the baby always sounded like Shawn, he had his voice. It was very strange. The the last thing I remember in the dream was this. The baby had grown to be about 10 years old. One afternoon I went to sit down on the couch next to him and when I started talking to him once again it was Shawn's voice, it was not the voice of a ten year old little boy. It was like he was a little boy's body, but had a man's voice. Then he (the child) told me he didn't feel good and wanted me to make him feel better because that was a Mom's job. I went to give the little boy a hug and before my eyes he turned into Shawn...the adult version of Shawn...my husband Shawn, and no longer my child. Except when he was the adult version I could no longer touch him. Every time I tried to get close to him he would move farther and farther away from me. I kept trying to get closer to him and he kept backing up until he was pressed against the back door of our house. The next thing I know he says to me that he loves me, thanks me for taking such good care of him and our baby, tells me he loves me again, blows me a kiss and then disappears.

See I told you a strange dream. It wasn't the usual dream I've had about Shawn in the past. Usually those dreams leave me sad feeling when I wake up because I roll over and realize I'm still alone and he isn't in my bed, he is still dead. However, at the same time those dreams are nice in a way because it is kind of like I got to be with Shawn once again. I usually chalk those dreams up Shawn's way of being with me when he knows I'm needing him. This dream left me totally stumped. The only thing I can think of is a few days ago I was thinking that the year anniversary of my D&C is next week. I wonder if this dream was a reflection of those thoughts? I just don't know why the baby never sounded like a baby and only sounded like Shawn? Why as the baby got older could I no longer console him? Why did my child turn into my husband? Why could I not touch Shawn?

Who knows what this dream means. Maybe it means nothing and I'm just totally over analyzing it. It just wasn't the "typical" Shawn dream. It didn't really bother or disturb me, but it just got me thinking of what the dream could mean. Maybe it is something as simple as I miss my husband and baby, and want that life. I really don't know what it means.

What do you all think?

I'm sure many of you have seen this floating around in blogging world. I first saw it on Nancy's blog http://thenewlifeofnancy.blogspot.com and thought it looked like it maybe a fun post to do. So I put the idea in my notebook of "things to blog about" Yes, I keep a little notebook of ideas I want to blog about. Many times, an idea or thought just comes to me and I go with it. Other times when I'm stumped for something to write about I turn to my notebook and out comes a post. Well, tonight when I was reading through my comments from yesterday's post I saw that Nancy had "requested" that I do this post too, because she wanted to see my answers. Well Nancy, here ya go.....

"My 25 Firsts"

1. Who was your first prom date? ~ My first and only prom date was Eric Wilson and I was a Senior in high school. Up until then I never went to a homecoming or prom, nope, not a single one of them. In high school I was on the rather shy side and didn't hang out with "boys" too much. Up until a week before the prom I still didn't have a date, and to tell you the truth I remember feeling kinda bummed about it. I had always wanted to go to a prom. (Doesn't everyone?) Anyways, a week before the prom I was in a prom fashion show, still have no idea how I got myself into that. But anyways Eric was my partner in the fashion show, after talking we both realized neither of us had a date. So, we decided to go together. We hung out with totally different people so we went to dinner with his friends, and then spent the night in a cabin afterwards with my friends. No...nothing happened...I was so not into doing "anything", and he was too concerned about going fishing the next morning. The highlight of the night...driving a brand new black Mustang with red leather interior to the prom...now that was cool.

2. Do you still talk to your first love? ~Well it depends on how you want to look at it. My fist love was Shawn. Do I still "talk" to him? Yes, every single day.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink? ~Oh my that was a long time ago. I'm not saying when because my parents sometimes read my blog and I don't want to get busted. But my first alcoholic drink was Blue Maui with 7-Up. God, was that yummy that night, and god does the thought of drinking that now make me want to puke.

4. What was your first job? ~Other than babysitting my first real job was working at T.J's Pizza. That is where I met Shawn. (perhaps a post for a different time...maybe I should add that to my notebook)

5. What was your first car? ~On my graduation night from high school I got the keys to a Dodge Horizon. The summer before the family cat got into it and peed in it. We tried everything to get the smell out and never fully did. I can still remember the smell of that car to this day.

6. Who was the first person to text you today? ~My friend Kim.

7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning?~ Shawn, he is always the first person I think of in the morning.

8. Who was your first grade teacher? ~ Mrs Hartwick, I swear to this day, she is the reason I don't know how to do math.

9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane? ~To California when I was two years old.

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk?~ My first best friend was Allison Virta. We met in kindergarten orientation and were friends instantly. I haven't talked to her since we graduated 13 years ago. However, she did find out about Shawn and the baby and sent me a very nice note.

11. Where was your first sleepover?~My cousin Jamie's house.

12. Who was the first person you talked to today?~My mom, when I told her good-bye before she left for work.

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time?~Mine. Then six months later my friend Kim's. I have never been in any other weddings.

14. What was the first thing you did this morning?~ Took Bo outside. He gets to pee before I do!

15. What was the first concert you went to? ~ Ok, I'm going to tell you all this, but I don't want you all to laugh at once! My first concert was Michael Bolton when he came to our fair when I was in 7th grade. Now if you must, you can laugh.

16. First tattoo? ~ I don't have a tattoo yet. I'm thinking soon though.

17. First piercing? ~ My ears when I was seven years old.

18. First foreign country you went to?~ So not exciting but Canada when I was in middle school. We went to go see Romeo and Juliet in some small town in Canada.

19. First movie you remember seeing?~ E.T.- I still cry when I watch that movie.

20. What state did you first live in? ~ Michigan

21. Who was your first room mate?~ Shawn. We lived together for a year in college before we got married.

22. When was your first detention?~ Um, I don't think I ever did get detention. I was a good girl. I did get my name on the board once though in sixth grade. I asked my friend for a piece of paper because mine ripped. That still makes me mad!

23. Nancy didn't have a 23 but I'm going to add my own...
When was your first kiss?~ In the seventh grade and a pool party one of my friends was having.

24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance? ~How to ballroom dance. I want a body like the stars have on Dancing With the Stars. Ha ha ha

25. Who will be the next person to post this?~ I have no idea. But I would love it if my friend Jennie would post this. Her answers would be oh so great.

Over the weekend a friend of mine sent this to me in an email. It is written by a 90 year old Regina Brett, who writes a column for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland, Ohio. This list was her most requested column. She wrote this list the celebrate growing older. It is a list of 45 lessons that life has taught her. I've read the list several times. We should all read this list a few times a week, I think this lady knows what she is talking about. (The ones I like the best are in bold)

LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM, BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....


1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2.. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26.. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come....
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Today I experienced a new emotion in the roller coaster of grief. An emotion at one year and three weeks I had not yet experienced. An emotion that came out of nowhere, and left me crying in my room missing and wanting Shawn, and then crying on the phone to Jennie. An emotion that I didn't even think about happening but yet ended up smacking me in the face. The emotion is that of guilt.

As I said before I don't think in the last year, or rather almost thirteen months I have ever felt guilty. I didn't feel guilty when I was seeing "T", I didn't feel guilty when I went out on a blind date a few weeks ago (yes, that was my first blind date, yes we had a great time and no I haven't really talked to him much sense...go figure), I didn't even feel guilty right after Shawn died and I donated some of his clothes to the football team. Hell I didn't even feel guilty a few weeks ago when I took Shawn's wedding ring in to get melted down into a ring for me. However, today a simple task left me feeling horribly guilty, and for a short time I felt like a horrible wife or horrible widow, however you want to look at it.

A little background here, both Shawn and I were/are very anal and OCD like when it comes to organization. Our CD/movie wrack was always organized in a particular way. CD's were organized by the singer's last name, or the name of the group. Whenever we got a new CD we would shuffle the CD's around to allow room for the new one where it 'belonged'. Movies were organized based on type and then alphabetical order. I know, I know we were a bit much. Most were CD's or movies that we got together, but others were some of each of ours before we got married. Organizing the CD/movie stand was always Shawn's job. When I left Youngstown I took a picture of the stand because when I set it up back in Michigan I wanted it exactly how Shawn had it. Once here, everything was put back on the shelves exactly how it was in Youngstown. During this last year when ever I bought a new CD or DVD I would just set it on the floor next to the stand because there wasn't anymore room left in the stand. Nobody would see the pile of CD's because I had the stand in a corner and the pile was behind that.

Last week I got a bigger desk for my room and since the desk was bigger than my old desk I had to rearrange some furniture around. The CD/DVD stand is no longer in the corner and now the new CD's and DVD's were just in a pile next to the stand up against another wall. Well today my organizational skills kicked in. I couldn't take the piles anymore. I had to put them in the stand. I tried to squeeze them in but I have gotten too many new ones this year and there was no way that they were fitting on the stand. So, I stared looking at the stand and realized that there were CD's in there that I never listen to and took those out of the stand. Although, that still didn't free up much room. As I sat on the floor staring at the shelf I realized that Shawn was never going to be watching his 'favorite' movies anymore, he was no longer going to be listening to the CD's. So I figured I would just take off the CD's that I never listen to, and the movies of his that I never really liked watching. At first I thought nothing of it. I didn't want to throw them away, they are a part of Shawn, some of his favorites. I was going to put them in a tub with other things of his I plan on keeping. I just simply wanted them off the stand to make room for the new things that I have bought this year.

Then just as I was taking The Mummy boxed set off of the stand I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I looked at The Mummy and a few other of Shawn's movies sitting in a pile on the floor and I instantly got an enormous pain of guilt wash over me, I got all panicky feeling and out of nowhere the tears appeared. What was I doing!? I was taking things of Shawn's off the stand to make room for my things, no longer our things, but mine. In that instant when I removed his movies off the shelf it hit me that I was doing this because I'm still alive, I'm still living, I'm learning to live without him, I'm 'moving on'. It was the worst feeling of guilt I have ever experienced...it was truly awful. I felt like a horrible wife for doing that. In a way I felt like I was letting Shawn down by putting some of his things away, like I was pushing him under the rug. I know he doesn't think that. However, as his wife I can't help but feel those feelings as I boxed up some more of his things.

I know this 'organizational' task needed to be done. I couldn't take the piles anymore. On the same hand it hurt making room for the 'new' as well. I realize that Shawn was and will always be a huge important part of my life. He will ALWAYS be with me! I know that by putting some more of Shawn's things away it doesn't mean that I am forgetting him, because trust me I'm not. I still think about Shawn about a million times a day. However, it does mean that I am still living, I'm trying my damnedest to move forward in my life, and to make new memories for myself. I think this pain of guilt hit me today because it made me realize that putting more of Shawn's stuff away is another step in me moving forward, and it's another chapter in my new life. More than anything it means that I'm starting to put more of my old life away. I know I didn't need to feel guilty about any of this, but I did. Grief hits you with so many different emotions and you never know what is and isn't going to hit you ...it just does.

As usual Jennie was an amazing friend and listened to me cry. She told me not to feel guilty, that this was another step that I needed to take and that she was proud of me. I told her that for the most part I'm doing ok, that I still have bad days. I told her that even though I'm doing ok, I still hate this, I hate that I'm having to go through this and that I miss Shawn. Jennie told me that she hates it too, and she hates it for me and hates that I have to go through it. Then she told me, "Your memories aren't on your shelf, they are in your heart." You know what...she is right! In the future as I begin to pack up more of Shawn's things I'm going to remember that. My memories of Shawn, his favorite things, and my memories of us are in my heart and nobody can take those from me.

I know I said a while ago that I wasn't going to share songs with you all anymore. I imagine you all are getting sick of listing to songs that are special or significant to me. However, I want to share this song with you. A few days ago my cousin called and asked if I had heard a song called Love Lives On yet.. I told her no. She then told me that the song reminds her of me and my story and she told me I needed to listen to it. Me being me I quickly went to YouTube to not only listen to the song, but watch the video. The song is powerful on its own, and brought tears to my eyes. However, watching the video you get a double wammy...so sad. Yes, I cried, but once again it is a song of love,loss and learning to live again.

My favorite part of the song is:
"And even though i cry like crazy. Even though it hurts so bad I'm thankful for the time God gave me even though we couldn't make it last. I'm learning how to live without you even though I don't want to and even with you gone love lives on"

Love does live on.

I couldn't post the actual video so this is just a still picture of the singer. If you would like to see the video just go to YouTube and type in Mallary Hope singing Love Lives On.

I hope you enjoy the song. I promise this will be the last song I share with you. Well, until another 'amazing' song pulls at my heart.

Well it's late Monday night the night of Labor Day. Does that mean summer time is over? I hope not, because I for one am not ready to face fall, let alone winter. I love summer, I love the warm weather, and I love being able to wear flip flops every day. I could almost cry at the thought of having to put socks and shoes onto my brightly painted toes. So I'm going to hang on to hope that summer isn't totally gone, even though today I've heard about one hundred times that today is the last day. I also thought for this post I would share a bit of my weekend with you.

Friday night my entire family and I headed up to Traverse City. I think I've talked about going up there before. My Grandparents used to live up there and we have always spent much of the summers going up their. The house is right on the bay, so it really couldn't be better. We all arrived at the house around 8:00. Since it was dark and a bit chilly we just all sat in the living room and watched some TV and played with the dogs. Around 10:30 my brother and his girlfriend pulled into the driveway. They played with their dog for a few minutes. Then they both sat on the couch for a while with odd looks on their faces. Then all of the sudden my brother poked Erika(his girlfriend...the one who had the idea of getting me the journey ring) Anyways, he poked her and said, "Well, go ahead and show them" That night at sunset, on a kayak my brother purposed to Erika. She said Yes! The ring is beautiful as well. We couldn't be happier to have Erika join our family. Most of that night we all sat around talking about "wedding stuff"

Saturday was going to be a busy day. There was college football games to be watched and the weather was beautiful so everyone wanted to go out on the boat and soak up some sun and play in the water. I started off my day wanting to watch a game, but it turns out it wasn't on TV. So instead I headed for the boat. My brother, Erika, sister and myself got in the boat and headed for the beach. The weather was just great. Not to hot, or to cold. The water was even actually warm as well, and the water is never warm. It was actually nice enough for me to go in, and I never go in the bay. Bo is ready to set sail! He wasn't too sure of the boat, but loved swimming!

The rest of Saturday I pretty much spent my time running back and forth between football games and the lake. Most of the games I was interested in watching were blowouts so I didn't see too much sense in staying in watching when I knew what the outcome was going to be, especially because the weather was amazingly perfect for a change. Saturday night my sister and I headed into town to go shopping for a while. Have I mentioned here that I love to shop? What about that I am a great bargain shopper? Well let me tell ya Saturday night I hit it big. I went to Old Navy and the Gap. Between those two stores I got awesome deals. I got 4 different pairs of yoga pants, one sweater, one long sleeved shirt, 2 tank tops for the gym, and 2 sweat shirts for a grand total of $65.00 I couldn't have been happier! (That's a lie...one thing would make me happy, but I can't have that, so I guess shopping will have to do)

Sunday was another beautiful day. A day spent out on the water all day long. Erika wanted to try water skiing for the first time So I went out in the boat with my brother and was the spotter. She only tried three times and then got up and was a pro at water skiing. She did a great job. I'm not sure how it happened, but before I knew it, I was trying as well. I tried about five years ago and didn't have much luck. I thought maybe since I have been working out I would have a different outcome. Let me just tell you, it's a chore in itself just getting those darn ski's on your feet when you are in deep water, let alone getting your butt out of the water. I tried about five different times. Each time my legs spread out like Bambi on ice. The last time I was almost up but I just couldn't make it all the way. By that point my legs were shaking so bad I had to stop. Water skiing is hard work. I will have to give it another shot next year, maybe my entire body will make it out of the water then.

Me getting my ski's on. My brother had to help me.

Do you all know what starts this weekend? I'll give you all one guess...it has pretty much been my life for the last seven years. Did you guess College Football? Well, if you did you guessed right. This weekend starts the 2009 college football season!!

Many of you know Shawn's all time favorite football team was UofM. When we first started dating I hated football and I knew nothing about the game. Before Shawn started coaching I would watch the games with him on Saturday. I would putz around the house but still be there with him 'watching' the games. Then when he started coaching I became way more involved in college football. I started to love college football. Mainly because Shawn loved it so much, and for the first time in his life he was doing something that excited him, and that was so awesome to see. College Football became our life, we ate, breathed, and slept college football. Soon Shawn's love for UofM became my love. When he was coaching his own games I would record the UofM game so he could watch it when we got home from his game. Many times I found myself watching the game if Shawn's game was away. I quickly learned a lot about football. I hate to admit it but I may even know more than a few guys. These two UofM items were always on Shawn's side of the bed. Now I keep them on a shelf in my room.

College football has come to mean a great deal to me. It is part of who I was, and it is still a part of who I am, and probably always will be. I'm sure Saturday will have some hard moments. I have three different football games that I will be watching on TV and listing to on the radio. All three of these games would be huge for Shawn. I of course will be watching the UofM game. I'm sure when I hear Hail to the Victor's I may end up with a lump in my throat. The first time Shawn heard that fight song every season he instantly became as giddy as a little boy. He would jump up and down in front of the TV and everything, of course all decked out in his UoM gear. Once again, it will be difficult, but I will be watching the game. Hopefully UofM's season will be greatly improved from last year. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.