Yesterday I was reading my friend Tami's blog at http://therothreport.blogspot.com. I've said this before if you don't read her blog, you really really should Tami is freakin funny and just about every post makes me chuckle. Several times I've actually laughed out loud while reading her blog.

Anyways in her post yesterday she made a reference to one of my all time favorite T.V. shows and it gave me an idea for a post of my own. I kind of feel like the last several posts have been more serious in nature and I figured it maybe time for something a little fun and to lighten things up a bit so to speak. So with a little inspiration by Tami I've decided to dedicate this post to my top five favorite T.V shows that are no longer on the air. I actually have a confession to make, I have WAY more than five of my favorite shows that are no longer on TV anymore. As I sit here and think of all my favorite TV shows I'm realizing I may have liked and watched TV a bit too much when I was a child/teenager. It makes me sad, but I don't even think these five shows are on re-runs anymore. Sigh. In fact I'm almost 100% sure none of these shows are actually on TV anymore, because if they were I can guarantee you I would be wasting my life away watching them. Over.and.over.again. So without further ado I give you my top 5 TV shows.


5. The Love Boat-

I really have no idea why, but for some reason I loved this show when I was a kid. Looking back at it and watching a you tube video of it, I admit it was a cheesy show. I don't know, maybe it was the sun, crystal blue water, and warm destinations they were always sailing too that made me like it so much. Huh...now that I think about it maybe watching The Love Boat gave me the bug to have the desire to live in a warm climate and crave warm weather so much. Even though it was a little on the lame side, I must say, if I would happen to see The Love Boat on Nick at Nite, I would most definitely watch it.

4. The Facts of Life

Okay, I can't help it...I have to...."You take the good, you take the bad, take them both and there you have it the facts of life...the facts of life." I seriously LOVED this show. What was there not to love about four girls growing up in a boarding school living with the fun and spunky Mrs. Garrett. I mean who didn't like this show? Each episode was always funny, but yet there was always a little message that you could take away from it as well. My favorite character was bad ass Joe. I really don't know why she was my favorite, but she was. I think it was because her character was always rough around the edges, but you knew deep down that she had a soft side to her. I also loved the fact that her and prissy Blair were best friends on the show. "You take the good, you take the bad, take them both and there you have it the facts of life, the facts of life."

3. Family Ties-

Loved this show as well. I loved the fact that Alex P. Keaton was a huge dork, but yet oh so cute at the same time. I also remember watching the show as a kid and wanting to be part of the Keaton family, they always looked like they had so much fun. Also, is it just me or did the orange juice they drank in every episode look like the best orange juice known to man? I also loved the theme song to Family Ties. Every time it was on I would find myself secretly singing along in my head.

4. Growing Pains

Really, come on, need I say more?! Who did not totally love Growing Pains? Better question...who did not totally love Kirk Cameron? I can still see in the show's opening when he Mike (a.k.a-Kirk Cameron) is standing in the door way in that brown leather bomber jacket, so hot! ( mean so hot back then, not necessarily so much now) There is not one thing that I didn't love about Growing Pains. Well, until Chrissy came along, I wasn't a big fan of her, but everything else in the show I loved. Just like with the Keaton family I always wanted to be part of the Seaver family. I loved to how when Mike got older he got to live in the apartment above the garage. How cool was that? I also remember crying when the last episode of Growing Pains aired. I woke up the next morning feeling like my own family had moved away. Yes, I was a dork like that. I also totally loved the opening theme song for Growing Pains. And, because I loved it so much, and I'm willing to wager some of you did as well, and because there are no reruns of Growing Pains I've included a youtube video of the opening song just for you. Really, no need to thank me, I've watched it about 10 times myself. Ha!


Okay, are you all ready for me to reveal to you my all time favorite TV show? Drum roll please....
5.Dawson's Creek

Yes, you read that right. My favorite TV that is sadly no longer on the air anymore is Dawson's Creek. You want to know the sad thing about my love for the Creek? I didn't even start watching the show until I was in college and married! When it first aired on TV I remember everyone making such a big deal about the show. I watched it once and thought it was about the lamest thing ever, so I didn't watch another episode. Then in college my friend Meg, was all excited because the cable channel TBS was starting to show the re-runs of it. Well, since Meg and I did pretty much everything together in college she got me hooked, and I mean hooked on the shower. Dawson's Creek was on every morning from 9-11. Two full hours of Dawson, Joey, Pacey and Jen. Really...life...was...good. Well, aside from the fact that I had morning classes. So, just like any married college student would do I set up the VCR (yeah, I said VCR not DVR)each and every morning to record the Creek for me. Then at night when Shawn was at football practice I would sit down and catch up with Dawson and the gang. Since Meg, had class at the same time as me she would also tape the show. Needless to say there were many nights when the two of us would be on the phone with each other, while we watched the days episode Dawson's Creek. Yeah we admit it we were dorks. Even worse, this summer (yes, I said this summer) while I was Meg we watched the last episode together. You know the one, where Dawson's mom get remarried, Jen dies and we finally find out that Joey and Pacey live happily ever after! Well, we watched that episode and both sat on the couch crying like a bunch of babies...just like how we did during the last episode when we were in college. I don't know what side of the Joey,Dawson, Pacey love triangle you fell on, but I for one always wanted Joey and Pacey to hook up...and stay hooked up. Not sure why, but there was just something about the two of them that I loved. I think it was the ultra good girl falling for a guy that was kinda bad, but yet so lovable and good at the same time. I was so happy in the final episode when you found out that they were together! (Dork...yes, I know!)I also must admit from time to time I turn on TBS around 9:00 in the morning just to make sure that they somehow didn't put the Creek back on TV without me knowing it. And, yes, if they did, you bet your britches I would be watching, okay, maybe this time I would just DVR it. Then I could have it for ever and ever. Is there a problem with a grown 32 year old woman saying she would still love to be watching Dawson's Creek? Nah! Well...maybe! Ha!

Still to this day every single time I hear Paula Cole on the radio singing "I Don't Want to Wait" I instantly think of Dawson's Creek. Since I'm sure that has got to be somebody out there who feels the same as I do I have once again included the youtube video of the song, complete with pictures of all characters for your enjoyment, and yes, I've watched this video a few times as well.


There you have it, my top five favorite TV shows of all time that are no longer on the air. Oh and just for the record I also totally loved Gilligans Island, Bewitched,Happy Days, and Beverly Hills 90210. Thank god for the Soap Opera Channel, which still airs 90210 on Sunday mornings. :)

Wow...look at this two posts in one week, let alone a post on the weekend! I don't usually post on the weekends because I know everyone is busy, but I had a few extra minutes this morning and thought what the heck...lets sit down and write.

Well, this past Thursday I passed another milestone in the grief process. A milestone that I thought I was never going to get to the day Shawn passed away. Thursday marked 18 months since Shawn had passed away. A year and a half since the day my life changed literally in a hear beat. In many ways August 18, 2008 seems like just yesterday, and in so many other ways it seems life a lifetime ago. There are very few aspects of my life that are the same today and they were on that day. In a year and a half I've learned so much about myself, who I am, and the person I want to be. I hate to say this, but I really believe that these are all things I would not have figured out had Shawn not died. It really does take a life altering, or in my case two life altering events to change the outlook on one's life.

A year ago at this time I made my first good memory without Shawn. That happened when I went to Ohio for the week, spent time with both Jennie and Lora. The weekend of Valentine's Day we had a huge Un-Valentinen's Day party at Jennie's house. It was soooo much fun, and that night I remember really laughing and having a good time for the first time since Shawn had died. I remember thinking that it felt weird to be having so much fun so soon after his death, but it was also so great to laugh and smile again. That week was great and like I said I made my first good memories during that week.

However, as soon as I returned home I also began to face the overwhelming feeling of grief. Six months later it was smacking my square in the face. Don't get me wrong, I felt grief in the hours, days, weeks, and months after Shawn died but for some reason it hit me hard during months six through nine. At month six I was finally starting to come out of that "numb place" and I was starting to realize this was my life. A life without my husband and our baby, a life that I had NEVER asked to live, but was finding myself living. I also really think I was trying so hard to be strong for everyone else, I didn't let myself feel what I needed to feel early on and six months later it was all starting to come crashing down around me. For me months six through nine were the worst in the grieving process. I cried more during those months than I did early on, minus the immediate few weeks after Shawn's death. During that time I was figuring out how to live without Shawn, and that brought emotions I just wasn't expecting to feel. There were times during those months were I really didn't know if I could do "this". I never had any "crazy" thoughts or anything like that. I just felt like I didn't know if I would ever be happy again. I also didn't know if I wanted to be happy again. I mean, I knew deep down I wanted to be happy again, but the thought of being happy without Shawn was just so much to take in at times.

A year ago this week was also when I made the decision to take off my wedding rings. For those of you who didn't read my blog early on I started this process slowly. I would take them off for an hour or two while I was at home. Then I would take them off and run to the store, then one night I decided to take them off while I slept at night. For a person who never, ever took off her wedding rings it was a very strange, unsettling feeling. I can't tell you, what really made me decide to take off my rings, but it was just a feeling that I had. After about two weeks of gradually taking my rings off I decided I was ready. I took them off and set them on the shelf next to Shawn's wedding band. It felt really odd, and there were many times I found myself looking at my empty ring finger, but I knew in my heart I had made the right choice to take them off. The rings sat on the shelf next to Shawn's necklace, his glasses, and his sun glasses. At the time it was comforting to me to have my rings on a shelf next to Shawn's items.

Now fast forward with me to present day. A LOT has changed in my life since this time last year, heck, a lot has changed in my life in the last year and a half. Now at a year and a half since Shawn's death I can honestly say I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago at this exact time. Through the loss of Shawn and our baby I now look at life, and my life in total different eyes than I did early on. Like I said before, I've learned a lot about life, and a lot about my self during this last year and a half of my life. Many things are things I don't think I would have figured out without the tragic turn of events in my life.

I've learned that I am a much stronger person than I ever thought I could be. I know I've said this on this blog before, but if somebody would have told me two years ago that my husband was going to die of a massive heart attack at 31 one years old, I would have told them to dig a hole next time him because there was no way in hell I could live without him. Obviously, that did not happen, it wasn't my choice, but I have learned to live without Shawn. I know Shawn would want me to be happy. I also know and believe more than anything that Shawn was in my life to teach me and to give me the strength I didn't see in myself. He always told me I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, and for whatever reason I didn't believe him. I didn't believe him because I didn't have to, because he was always there for me. Living through his death has taught me that I am a stronger person than I ever realized. I thank Shawn every single day for instilling in me that strength.

I have also learned that grief is a very long process, a process that I think I will always go through. A friend of mine, who is a widow and I were talking the other day, we said that the grief of losing a spouse is somewhat the same as having a disease that you never asked to have. Grief, like the disease will never go away. When you first realize you have a disease, the thought of it consumes you, you realize your life will NEVER be the same and that thought is totally overwhelming. However, as time passes, you learn to live with it, you adapt your life around the disease. You learn to live with the disease and after time you realize that your life will go on. Grief is exactly the same. For the rest of my life I will carry the grief of losing Shawn with me. No matter how much happiness I find in my future, there will always be difficult days. His birthday, our anniversary, special holidays, and of course the day of his death will always be hard for me. However, like living with a disease, I've learned to live with the grief. At a year and a half I still grieve, I still have bad days and bad moments. Over time I've just learned to deal with them in a different way, I'm grateful and blessed to have the change in perspective. However, that is something that has come over lots and lots of time.

Still to this day I don't like it when people tell me, "you have to move on". To me "moving on" sounds awful. Moving on to me sounds like forgetting what I had and moving on to the next thing. Almost like you move onto a next book after you finish one. Instead I like to say "I go on". This life wasn't my choice, I never asked for this to happen to me. But, at a year and a half, yes, I have realized that I am living, I am going on. I will never forget Shawn...I will never "move on" to something better. The life I had with Shawn was special and something that will never happen again. However, in order to live the rest of my life and to be happy again, yes, I must "go on" and continue living my life. Now, today, I can say that I'm so excited and happy to be doing that!.

Today, I am happy and I'm so blessed to be able to say that! I have the best family and friends ever. I have great friends that have came into my life since Shawn's death. People that were brought into my life for a reason. Things are going so great with Mr. X. The other day he called to tell me good morning, and well, I was having a moment. He was so sweet and thoughtful. He got it, he understood, and he listened while I told him my feelings. He responded with some of the sweetest, most caring words ever. I'm so happy that he is in my life and he wants to take the time to understand the emotions that I feel and have.

Every single day I make the choice to "go on", to live my life and to be happy for me and for Shawn, because that is what I know he would want for me...for both of us. It has been a year and a half since I lost my best friend and my husband. A year and a half since my life changed forever. There is not an hour in a day that goes by that I don't think about Shawn. I still miss him more than anything and I know I always will. But, I can honestly say now, that I look forward to waking up in the morning, I look forward to whatever my story has for me, I look forward to being truly happy again one day, and now...I look forward to living my life once again.

I know...I know...it's been a week again since my last post. Here's the thing, I typically work during the day and have my nights and early mornings free and that is typically when I feel inspired to write. Problem is I have been working afternoons and nights. So that means I get up, go to the gym, come home and get ready for work, and then leave for work. When I get done working I either go to Mr. X's house or come home and crash....leaving no time to write a blog. However, you can all breath a sigh of relief...this is my last week working nights!!!! By next week I will be back to my regular daytime work schedule and will be able to blog more! I hope you all haven't lost interest in my life, even though I haven't been posting. (I guess I don't blame you if you have) I have been reading your blogs everyday and commenting when time allows. Please just stick by me for a few more days and it should all be back to normal soon. Now on to my weekend post.

On Friday night Mr. X played cards with some friends so I decided to spend the night with my mom and sister. They wanted to go to Kohls and I decided to ride along with them. I'm so glad I went. Once again Kohls didn't let me down as they had great sales. I got one sundress, a tank top, and a pair of jean shorts for my Mexico trip. I couldn't believe it when I looked at me receipt...I had saved $95.26. Yeah you read it right...I saved almost $100.00. I would say that is some good shopping skills if you ask me. I was very pleased with my savings. Since Mr. X was gone for the night I just figured I would go home and go to bed early. Well, as we were driving home Mr. X's sister, Tina called me. She had an awful day at work and wondered if I would want to meet her for a drink and to talk for a while. I went home, changed my clothes and met her at a local sports bar. We both had placed to be early in the morning so we promised each other it would be a quick trip, and that we wouldn't be late. Ha! The next thing we knew we were chatting away, and had each had a few drinks. Before either of us knew it it was 2:00 a.m.! The two of us just sat there and talked all night without realizing how late it was getting. Tina and I have only known each other for about two months but we both think we must have been friends in a past life because it really does feel like we have known each other forever. We had a great time sitting there and talking all night.

Saturday morning it was time to go shopping at another mall with my two friends that I'm going to Mexico with. (I know it sounds like I've been shopping like crazy, but I really have cut back!) We all figured we needed new swim suits and a few knew outfits to go on vacation with. I mean you do need a new swim suit and a few new summer outfits when you go to Mexico...don't you? Once again I was lucky in the savings area. Everything I got on Saturday was on sale. Well, almost everything. We went to American Eagle, and I happen to love that store, but I also know that sales are very rare there. I tell ya, it must have been my lucky day because I got one t-shirt, four tank tops, a pair of shorts and this adorable skirt (that did NOT happen to be on sale) all under $100.00, practically unheard of at American Eagle.
I typically never wear skirts, in fact, I hate wearing them. I don't know there was just something about this skirt that I thought was cute. I think I will wear it with a white lace tank top and a pair of white flip flops.

Our next stop was Victoria's Secret to try on swimming suits. I can't tell you how much I HATE trying on swimming suits, I think it is about the worst thing ever and can really suck the fun out of a good day of shopping. Once again I think I had luck on my side. I immediately found the swim suit I loved, but was almost 100% sure it would not fit me in about a million years. My friends convinced me to try it on. I did and I loved it!! I could not believe that it fit. The hours of sweating by butt of at the gym is finally paying off. This is the one I got, except mine is a shimmery gold color.
So what do you think? Too low, too reveling, or too young looking for a 32 year old. The girls said it looked great, so I figured what the hell and went ahead and bought it. It was crazy expensive to start with but as I was checking out I found a gift certificate and a few coupons that I had forgotten about so I got a great deal on it.

My friends and I made a few more pit stops at a few other stores, once again where I snagged great deals. Old Navy had amazing deals and I got a few more tops and a pair of shorts for the trip. After almost five hours of shopping, and lots of laughing we headed home.

Once I was at home it was a mad dash to freshen up, touch up my hair and make-up, change my clothes and head to Mr. X's house for the rest of the weekend. The night before he asked if I wanted to go to dinner and a movie. We both were fully aware of the fact that it was Valentines Day weekend, but we both said we didn't want to make a big deal out of the day. We figured by leaving early enough we would miss the Valentines rush. Boy were.we.wrong! For a month now we both had been saying that we wanted to eat at the Olive Garden so we figured we would go there. We knew it was not good when the cars were waiting in the road to pull into the parking lot. I went in to see how long the wait was and was appalled when the told me that there was a one hour and forty-five minute wait! What?! Who can wait that long to eat endless salad and bread sticks? Not us! So we went onto our next restaurant of choice where there was still an hour wait. Once again we didn't want to wait that long to eat, so we went to boring ole Chilli's instead. The food was ok, but we wanted a different kind of atmosphere. Guess we should have known better going out to eat on the biggest"love" weekend of the year. It's okay because we had a great time just talking during our boring dinner.

After dinner we went to the movies and saw



I have to be honest with you....this movie was NOT as good as I thought it was going to be. They definitely show all the good parts during the commercials on TV. I mean I liked it and there were some twists and turns I didn't see coming, but I also thought with that many big names it was going to be a whole lot better than it was. If I were you I would not pay the $8.00 to see it at the theater and just wait for it to come out on DVD. After the movie Mr. X and I then met up with some of his friends. We stayed out till the wee hours of the morning, but we all had so much fun hanging out. It really was a great night.

Every Sunday Mr. X's entire family, I'm talking, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and family friends all get together at his parents house and all spend the entire day together. Everyone brings something to much on. Then there is a HUGE dinner. It seriously is like Christmas dinner every Sunday...I love it! (well besides for the fact that I feel like I gain abut 20 pounds every Sunday!) Everyone gets along and it is a great way to spend the day. Mr. X's family has made me feel so welcomed into their family. So after we picked up Mr. X's kids that is how we spent our Sunday and it was just great!

The entire weekend was spent with family, great friends, Mr. X, and his family. I had a great weekend and it was just what I needed.

I hope you all had a great Valentines Day weekend as well.

Once again sorry that it has been a week since I've last posted. I'm tellin ya...I'm busy these days. Between spending time with Mr. X, his family, my family, my girlfriends, working out, and working more hours than I have I'm just plain busy! Yesterday morning when my alarm went off at 6:00 a.m. I did not want to get out of bed, I was tired and just wanted to stay in my big cozy bed and sleep, I felt like I needed a day to chill out. I rolled back over for a few minutes and started thinking... A year ago at this time I didn't have a lot going on in my life. I was just starting to leave the house, let alone be "busy". This time last year marked six months since Shawn had died, and for me, I was really starting to feel the pain of losing him. I was grieving more than then I had the first six months and it was a really difficult time for me. I realized how grateful I am now to be so busy. I'm happy that I get to spend time with Mr. X, his kids and his family. I'm grateful that I'm not home much anymore due to the fact that I'm busy again...busy living once again. Yesterday morning I told myself I wouldn't complain about my life today, because my life one year ago was so much worse. My life today is good, I'm smiling and happy, but yes, I'm busier today than I was then. So for today since I have a few free minutes I'm going to do a post sprinkled with a few different thoughts, random in nature. I hope you don't mind...keep coming back because I do have some other really good posts lined up in my head during the next few weeks.

*So who watches The Bachelor?? Come on, admit it, I know you are out there. Well, I'm for one so so upset that Ally left last night. She was my favorite from the very start. I liked her the moment she got out of the limo in that yellow dress and she was my pick to get the "final rose". What I've liked about her is the fact that she just seems so natural and sweet. I kind of have a sneaking suspicion that she will be coming back. Did you watch last night? In the previews for next week she calls Jake!! I wonder if she will pull an Ed from last season and come back. Boy, I hope so. If not I've decided I will vote for Tenley. I've liked her too and she seems sweet as well, although maybe a little too much so. I think there is something fishy with Gia, and don't even get me started on Vienna! That girl needed to go a long time ago. No idea what Jake sees in her. Huh, I don't even know why I get myself all worked up over this show anyways. It's not like it works out in the end anyways.

*I don't know how many of you listen to Country music at all. I listen to a little bit of everything, but I would say Country gets the most air time in my car. Last year for Christmas I got Lady Antebellum's debut Cd and I loved it. Every single song on it was great. Well, their second Cd was released last week and I love it even better than the first!! The Cd is entitled "Need You Now" you may have heard the single by the same name. Once again, every song is great! I can't stop listening to it!! I would highly recommend it to you if you, even if you don't like Country, I think you would like this Cd

*I think I've talked a little about Mr. X's family on here before and how much I like them all already, but I want to tell you a little about his sister. I love her...she is just great!! I actually met her on our first date. Oddly enough she was out with her friends at the same sports bar where we were. That first night I met her I felt like I knew her from someplace. It was strange but I felt like we were already friends. Well, the next week at dinner her and I got talking and we totally hit it off. It feels like we have been friends forever. Since, we have gone out to lunch together and now text and call each other all of the time. A few people this weekend even commented on how close we are. One of her employee's even thought we were best friends from way back because of how well we got along. The two of us have already decided no matter what happens with Mr. X and I, the two of us will always stay friends. I think this is just great because to be honest with you, I never had this type of relationship with Shawn's sisters.

*I leave for my trip to Mexico in 46 days!! I'm so excited! I can't wait to be on that nice warm, sunny beach all day long. I have another post lined up about where we are going and what we will be doing that I will post sometime this week. For now, I just wanted to say I will be on the beach in 46 days!!!

*Last week I heard through the grapevine a few things about me, hurtful things about me. I had a post all written up about how hurt and how pissed off I was. I mean I was seeing red I was so mad. Actually, not even all that hurt, but more mad than anything! I couldn't believe that people who were supposed to be close to me, people that should have been there for me, people that supposedly loved me, had such mean and hurtful things to say about me and how I've been living my life the last 18 months. Apparently, to them I have done nothing right! So I wrote the post and it really did help me to release some of the emotions I was feeling from finding all of this information out. However, I decided to use my better judgement and not it "post". The people who said these things about me have no idea about my blog. I've never wanted them to know. However, at the end of the day you never know who is reading. I figured it was best to not post it, just in case it would get into the wrong hands. I for sure don't need to deal with that on top of everything else. But for the people who don't "agree" on the choices I've made, or how I've lived my life the last 18 months, I would love to tell them I would trade places with them in one second. Not one minute of one day has been easy for me the last 18 months. No choice has been an easy one for me to make and I still miss Shawn more than they will ever know. But, at the end of the day, I'm living...I have to move on. I think Shawn would approve of how I've lived my life and the choices that I've had to make since his death. In the end, his opinion is the only one that matters. These people have no right to judge me...they still get to fall asleep in the arms of their husbands, still fall asleep together, and still dream about the future they will have with them. All of that was riped away from me in one heartbeat. If these people think they could "do it better" I would love to trade places with them. Okay, that's all I'm going to say about that.

*I have a question for all of you. Who sleeps with a fan on at night? Well, I do...I've slept with a fan on every single night for about the last 13 years. I literally, can not sleep with out one. when I go to Ohio I even take a fan with me. Well, actually that's a lie, I just have a fan at both Lora and Jennie's houses. I swear to you without a fan I would hear everything and it would keep me wide awake all night long. Well, recently I stayed the night at house of someone who doesn't sleep with a fan. Oh my god...I was a wake all night long. It was like some form of torture for me. I heard every dog bark, every car go by, every creek in the house, every breath, every footstep. I heard everything...it was awful! I've stayed there a couple of times since and I have to say I still love sleeping with my fan and I will always sleep with the fan on in my room. However, I've got to say I'm beginning to learn to sleep without it. I still hear about every sound there is, but I'm learning to manage without it. Well, that was until this morning at 3:30 a.m, when somebody felt the need to drive past the bedroom window with Tu-Pac blaring out of their car. So just a question...do any of you sleep with a fan to help drowned out the sounds that are around you?

Once again thanks for reading. Thanks for sticking by me through thick and thin. Thank you for all the wonderful comments about Mr. X and about me being happy once again. You all have been great!! I promise once I get the hang of this being busy thing down better I will be back to blogging on a regular basis. The end of this week will be slow, so look for a post later in the week!

You would think that after a year and a half that I would know and expect that the emotions surrounding grief and the roller coaster of grief can sneak up and bite you when you least expect it. Yes...I do know that and I've come to expect that sometimes it is the small things that cause the tears to well up in my eyes and then flow down my cheeks. What I didn't realize was that now the "happy things" can cause a flurry of emotions as well. Last Friday morning was no exception, it was a little small thing that had me crying on the phone to my friend, not understanding what the hell was going on.

I woke up on Friday morning and was in a great mood, woke up smiling and everything. I had a great afternoon planned and knew that I was going to see Mr. X (that's what I'm going to call my new guy from now on) later that night. In fact Friday afternoon I was going out to lunch with his sister and was very much looking forward to that. Anyways, I woke up happy and I have to say, waking up happy, with a smile on your face is so much better than the alternative of waking up sad and with puffy eyes from crying. I got up and started my day, went downstairs, got something to eat, turned on the radio and then hopped on the computer for some Facebook time, and to catch up on blog reading. All of a sudden I heard Shawn's all time favorite song on the radio. I can now listen to music that he liked with a smile instead of crying over it. In a weird way I think it's Shawn's way of saying, "Hi" I did just that sat at the computer and smiled when I listened to it. A few minutes later I got up and changed the radio station and then all of a sudden I heard a song that a Mr. X sings to me. Again, it made me laugh and brought a smile to my face. This was the second time in one week that I had heard a favorite song of Shawn's followed moments later by a song Mr. X signs to me. Odd...a sign?? I don't know.

After that song was over and I realized I was smiling and then" it" hit me like a ton of bricks, and then the tears started and I didn't stop crying for a good hour or so. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose it was time, I hadn't cried like that in months, but at the same time it felt weird to be sitting there crying when I woke up so happy. I was sitting there thinking in the chair to myself "what the hell is your problem?" "You are happy and woke up in a good mood...stop the crying" but I really couldn't stop the tears. It was an odd feeling to remember a song that Shawn used to like so much...that meant a lot to us, while at the same time remembering a new moment made with another man within the last month.

Have I mentioned before that grief sucks? It does! Have I mentioned before that it comes out and bites you when you least expect to? It does...and I still at a week shy of 18 months I don't like it!!

I knew Meg was home so I called her because I knew she would be able to bring me back to reality. I told her about the songs and about how it was the second time that had happened during the week. I told her that I was so happy with Mr. X and that I was starting to have feelings for him more than just "liking" him. She first told me that it was okay to cry, and to have a hard moment. She reminded me that I hadn't had a crappy day in a really long time. Then she told me it was totally normal to feel that way. To have the new feelings of happiness while at the same time remembering the good times I had with Shawn. She told me that I was living and going on living my life, while another chapter of my life was closing. She was right. It was kind of I was stuck in the middle. I know I can't go back to what was...that is impossible, but the thought of what is, or what could be is great and exciting, but at the same time nervous and scary. She also told me that I've had a great time with Mr. X and that things are going well and we are moving forward and that my heart is just getting ready to let him in more. I kinda laughed a little because Jennie had told me the exact same thing earlier in the week. After talking to Meg for a while I finally stopped crying and realized I was being kind of silly and that I should just take a breath and relax. I did and I was fine and great the rest of the day.

However, after talking to Meg and after playing the statement "my heart is just getting ready to let him in more" I was instantly thrown back to a conversation I had with Sarah early last November. She had just passed the one year mark of her husband's death and I was quickly approaching the three month mark of Shawn's death. I remembered we met at Starbucks one morning for coffee. I was having an awful day and just couldn't stop crying...at a year she was having an awful day as well. We got our coffee and sat down and cried with each other for a bit. Then we got talking about falling in love again. At a year she had not started dating, but had begun to have thoughts about it, and falling in love again was about the farthest thought from my mind, but we still talked about it. I asked her two questions. 1. Did she think it would be easier or harder to fall in love again and 2. How could it be possible to let another man into your heart and love them the same way that we loved our husbands?

With tears in both of our eyes she answered with the following response. She told me that even though she had not yet found love she was thinking that it was going to be easier to fall in love again than she originally thought. She went on to say that she felt this way because she knew how great her marriage was, she knew how to love, and she knew what she once had. Although, it would be different and a different kind of love she thought falling in love would be easier and that she would love more deeply and passionately because she knew exactly what it felt like to have that love ripped away in a heartbeat. At that time, I didn't feel the same way. In fact having those feelings of love for another man was about the farthest from my mind. I wanted to believe and trust her words, but I just didn't know if I would ever be able to love somebody ever again. Now at a year and a half later and dating a great, wonderful man I can totally see how she was feeling and why she said what she said. Don't go getting all crazy on me here...I know it has only been a month since I've been seeing Mr. X. I'm not the person who throws the "L" word around like it's nothing. But I will tell you all that I do have more feelings for him that "liking him". However, I'm being careful and not rushing into anything but now I can see why Sarah said what she said.

In response to my second question...How could it be possible to let another man into your heart and love them the same way that we loved our husbands? Sarah told me that I will never love another man the way I loved Shawn. That the love we shared was special to us and only to us. She then told me that the only way she could relate loving another man was to that of adding another baby to a family. She told me that when you are a parent and have only one child, you love them with your entire heart and soul....they are the center of your world. Then one day you realize you are going to have another baby. People wonder how they could love another child how they love the first. Then she told me that once the baby is there, your heart just grows and makes room to love that second baby. As she is telling me this I remember just sitting there both of us crying. Sarah told me that is how she imagined falling in love again would be. Your heart would just grow to let that new man in. At the same time still allowing my heart to have room for Shawn. A place in my heart that will always and forever belong to Shawn. Again, when she was telling me this I wasn't sure if I believed it. It was just a piece of knowledge that I held onto and tucked away in my mind. At three months into my grief process there was no way I could love somebody. But now...maybe.

Both Jennie and Meg told me that they can tell that there is something special between Mr. X and myself. They can tell a difference in my voice. I have no idea what will or will not happen between us. Things are going fast, but at the same time I'm being smart about this and not getting too ahead of myself. However, I think part of the reason that I had such a hard time on Friday morning after hearing both songs on the radio is because I can feel my heart starting to make room for Mr. X. In a matter of minutes I was able to remember a great memory I shared with Shawn, and then minutes later be reminded of a new memory with a new man. I can feel my heart making room for him, while at the same time still loving Shawn...a love that will always be there. I will tell you it is such an odd feeling to feel your heart grow to let another person in, especially when you had the love of your life. It amazes me that I'm able to have these feelings or the start of these feelings when a year and a half ago I never ever thought I would be able to have these thoughts and feelings with another man.

There have been many emotions during this last month. So far 2010 has been a great year, a year so far filled with hope and happiness. This relationship is still new, a little nerve wracking, but at the same time it just feels so right, great and wonderful. Like I said I have no idea what will or will not happen in the future. Life is a journey that we live every day, but I will tell you...that I really do feel like my heart is starting to make room for Mr. X. It's a little scary but wonderful and amazing all at the same time.