I do not think that I have ever shared with you the events of the day Shawn died. I wanted to post about it a few different times but for some reason just never did. With next Wednesday marking the second year of his death I thought it might be a good time to share it with you.
I woke up the morning of the 18, sick and had this awful gut wrenching feeling I just could not shake. I was only six weeks pregnant but I was already having awful morning (I mean all day sickness) I woke up and ran into the bathroom and tried to throw up, but only stood at the toilet dry heaving for about twenty minutes. Shorty after I was in the bathroom Shawn came in there with me. He stood behind me and held my hair back for me as I was getting sick. How sweet right? Once I was okay he told me to go out to the couch and he would bring me a cold wash cloth for my face. A few seconds later he came out to the couch with the wash cloth and a small glass of grape Gatorade. He sat down with me, rubbed my back and said, "I need to start feeling better so I can take better care of you and our baby" (He had not been feeling well for a few weeks and was in and out of the Dr.) I smiled at him and told him that he was taking great care of us. For the last ten days he got me everything I needed and wanted every time I needed or wanted it. With that we both got up off of the couch and got ready for work. By that time the nausea had started to pass a little bit, but I still could not shake an "off" feeling that I had woken up with.
As I was getting ready for work, Shawn ate a little bit of breakfast (yes, I still remember what he ate that day) Right before he left for work he yelled to me in the bathroom and told me he was getting ready to leave. I met him in the hallway and told him to have a good day. I then walked him out to his car, something I rarely did, but felt like I needed to do for some reason that day. We gave each other a kiss and told each other we loved each other. Shawn then leaned over, kissed me on the forehead and kissed his hand and them put it on my stomach. I then turned and walked back inside to finish getting ready for work. As he pulled out of the driveway I stopped, turned around and waved at him one last time. That was the last time I would ever see him alive, the last time I would get a kiss my him, and the last time I would feel the warmth of his hand on my back.
I went back inside and finished getting ready for work. It was a beautiful, sunny, bright blue sky, hot summer morning. I got in my car and started my 20 minute drive to work. I always listed to the radio in the car, I can not stand to drive in silence. However, on this day for some strange reason I decided to turn the radio off and drive in silence. I still couldn't shake the bad feeling that I was having. Deep down I really felt like something was going to happen to Shawn. I remember not wanting him to go to work that morning, and I remember feeling that we should have stayed home together that morning. Anyways, I drove to work and before I knew it I found myself praying that everything would be okay and that Shawn would be just fine. Shawn was supposed to have another doctors appointment that night and for some reason I was just terrified that the doctor was going to tell us he had cancer, a tumor or something like that. Like I said I just had an odd not good feeling that I could not shake. I was supposed to watch my friend Lora's little boy that night, but had decided that I wanted to stay at home with Shawn after he got home from work. So before I got out of my car, I called and told Lora that I just felt that I needed to be at home and that I would not be able to watch Luca for her. I still had that very uneasy feeling, but knew I needed to snap out of it because once I got into my classroom I would have nine three year olds needing my full attention.
Around 9:30 I was able to "sneak" a call to Shawn. I just wanted to hear his voice and see how he was feeling. We only talked for a little while but things were not going so well during practice so he had to go. We quickly said we loved each other and would talk more at lunch time. That was the last time I would hear his voice, the last time I would hear him say that he loved me. I took the kids in my classroom outside to play for a little while, then at about 10:15 my phone rang and it was Brian, the one coach who was Shawn's assistant and like his little brother. When I saw his number come up on my phone I instantly knew something was wrong. I knew Brian would not call me during working hours unless there was a problem. I answered the phone and without even saying hello I asked what was wrong. He asked me where I was at. I told him I was working and wanted to know what was wrong. Brian told me I needed to get to the stadium as fast as I could because they thought Shawn had just had a seizure. I told the other teacher on the playground what had happened and told her that I was leaving. With that I left my kids on the playground and headed inside to get my purse and keys. That is when I started freaking out! I knew something was wrong when I woke up that morning. I was scared to death that something awful was going to happen to Shawn. I tried to tell myself that everything was going to be just fine. I mean we had just found out we were going to have a baby, nothing awful could go wrong now. My boss Teressa met me in the hallway and told me she would drive me to the hospital. It was the longest 20 minute drive of my entire life. On the way to the hospital in between talking to Brian I called by Mom to tell her what was going on and that I wanted her and my Dad to come to Youngstown as soon as they could. I also remember telling her that I didn't want Shawn to die. My Mom did her best to calm me down, but I could tell my her voice that she was worried as well. I didn't talk long to her because Brian was calling me back.
As I was waiting for Teressa in the parking lot of our work Brian called me back and asked me how far away I was. I told him I was still about 20 minutes away. I asked him how Shawn was doing and as calmly as he could he told me that people were working on him. I asked him if Shawn was breathing and all he could say is, "Jen, they are working on him right now" Nobody knew that I was pregnant, we wanted to keep it a secret until my first appointment. I decided it was time for Brian to know. I told him he needed to go into Shawn's office (where he had collapsed) and remind him of me and the baby. Then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks....why were people working on him. Did he fall and hit his head or worse....had he stopped breathing. I kept asking Brian how Shawn was doing. Over and over in a matter of seconds I asked him that. I also told Brian not to leave Shawn alone until I could get there. Then I started asking if he was breathing. At that moment I heard people in the room talking to Shawn. I kept hearing, "Shawn, Shawn, can you hear me, can you feel this?" I heard these words from random people. I then started hearing people perform CPR on Shawn. Then minutes later I heard them tell Brian that he had to leave the room. Then I heard somebody in the background yell, "clear" I knew that they were using the AED machine on Shawn and I knew right then it was not good. Once again I asked Brian how Shawn was doing and if he was breathing. All he told me was that they couldn't get his heart to beat at a normal rhythm. I knew that he wasn't breathing, why would they be doing CPR if he was breathing on his own. I kept telling Brian not to let Shawn die, that I needed him and that the baby needed him. Looking back now I feel awful for putting that much pressure on Brian, but I knew that Brian loved him too so somehow it comforted me knowing that Brian was there doing what he could. Then the paramedics started asking Brian all kinds of questions for me to answer. Then Brian told me that they were putting Shawn in the ambulance and I was to meet them at he hospital. At that point I was about five minutes away, so I knew I would be there soon. I asked Brian if he would please ride in the ambulance with Shawn so that he would not be alone. He did, Brian never left Shawn's side or my side that entire day.
As soon as I hung up the phone with Brian we came to a four way stop. It was there sitting at that stop sign that I knew something was drastically wrong. I looked up and at the other stop sign I saw an ambulance. I told Teressa that I thought that was probably the ambulance Shawn was in. She looked at me and said, "Oh honey I don't think that's Shawn's ambulance because there are no lights on it." My entire heart sank, I looked out the window of the car and saw a police car in front of the ambulance. Inside that police car was Coach Heacock, the head football coach at YSU. She was right, the ambulance did not have lights or sirens on. I instantly knew that Shawn had probably died. Our car left the stop sign first and we pulled into the ER parking lot. I jumped out of the car and went into the hospital. Coach Heacock met me at the door. I asked him what was the matter with Shawn and told him that nothing could happen because I was pregnant. I remember he just looked at me with the most awful look on his face. Seconds later Brian came in through the other door. Both Brian and Coach gave me the biggest hug and they each took a side of me and walked me to the waiting room. I told them I didn't want to go anywhere, that I wanted to see Shawn. I remember Coach looking at Brian and shaking his head back and forth and they both held onto me just a bit tighter.
A few seconds after that I saw a nurse and a Dr. wheeling Shawn down this hallway. Somehow, no idea how I broke free of Brian and Coach. The first thing I remember seeing was Shawn's feet. His socks and shoes were off and his feet were so so pale. I remember seeing small purple veins in his feet that I had never seen before. From his feet I remember looking up his body. His shirt was pulled up and there were wires all over his chest. His face was purple and swollen very badly, his eyes were closed, and he had a breathing tube and bag around his mouth and a nurse was pumping the bag, just like you see them do on TV. I went up to him, touched his hand and told him that I loved him. After that Brian, and Coach took me to the waiting room. Brian helped me fill out a bunch of paperwork and we sat back down. It was then that I needed to call one of my best friend's Jennie. I called her, told her I needed her to come to the hospital as soon as she could. Within minutes Jennie was there. On her way she also called our other best fried Lora and told her that she needed to meet us in the ER as soon as she could because she figured I was going to need both of them. Right before Jennie got there a nurse came and got Brian, Coach Heacock, and myself and took us to our own little room. I remember thinking once again that this wasn't a good thing. I remember thinking you only get your own room in a busy ER if a person has died. Once again I thought to myself that this could not be happening because just eight days earlier we had found out we were pregnant. Nothing bad could be happening now.
With Jennie's crazy super powers as a best friend she found us in our room. In the waiting room at that point and time was myself, Coach Heacock, Brian, the hospital Chaplin, and a few of the other football coach's on the staff had started showing up. Jennie came into the room and instantly came and sat down next to me and just held me. I'm not sure but I think she asked me what was wrong. I think I just sat there and shook my head. Seconds after Jennie, arrived two doctors came into the room and sat down on the little couch a crossed from where I was sitting. The doctor asked me a bunch of questions and I answered them. Then he told us all a few more things and I remember just sitting there staring at him. Then he said the words that would forever change my life. He said, "Mrs. Coin, we worked on Shawn for over 45 minutes, we tried everything we could, but I'm sorry your husband died." I started shaking and said to him, "No, no, you need to go back and help him more." I quickly looked around the room and looked at the faces of all my friends and football family in there with me. Everyone had these awful blank gazes on their faces. Instantly Jennie, just wrapped her entire body around me and just held me. She held me while I cried and the two of us just sat and cried for what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes.
After the doctor left I knew I needed to make some phone calls, there were people who needed to know about Shawn. Teressa called my Mom and told her, a nurse called Shawn's parents and told them. Jennie called my other best friend Megan (who lives in Chicago) and told her, and I called another football coach's wife that I had known for years and told her. It was awful telling my family and friends what had happened. After I got off the phone I think I said the worst words that I have ever said in my life. With Jennie's arms still around me, and others still in the room I said, "I don't even want this baby anymore." (please know I so so so did NOT mean that, it was just the shock talking) Jennie just held me harder and said that everything would work out and that our baby would have so many people that loved it. The nurse then asked me how far along I was and I told her about six weeks. If I could take back anything about that day, other than the fact that Shawn died it would be saying those words.
A few minutes later the Chaplin came back into the waiting room and asked if I was ready to see Shawn. I remember thinking I really didn't want to, but knew at the same time that I had to because if I did not I would always regret it. I walked out into the main waiting room and instantly saw Lora and Luca. I took Luca from Lora and gave him a big hug. Then I looked at Lora hugged her and said, "This wasn't supposed to happen like this." She hugged me back and said, "I know, I know." Then the Chaplin asked me if I was ready to go back, I told him yes but I did not want him to go with me. I wanted Brian and one of the other Coach's that Shawn and I were close with to go with me. I left Jennie and Lora side and began the long walk down the hallway. The entire walk both Brian and Antoine held me up. When we were just about to Shawn's room I stopped in the hall and told them I didn't think I could do it. They both held be tighter and told me that I could and that they would both be with me. We walked into the room and to me it just felt cold. I walked in and went up and stood by the bed. I looked at Shawn and he was just laying there with his eyes closed, the tube still in his mouth, and his arms at his side. Minus the tube in his throat I remember thinking that he actually looked very peaceful. I went up to the side of the bed, put my hand on his leg and said, "Bub, what happened? I love you, and so does our baby." I then looked and Brian and Antoine and we left the room. Once again the two of them helped me walk down the hallway.
I got back to the waiting room, looked at Jennie and Lora and said I just wanted to go back home. They both looked at me and said that they would take me home. Jennie, Lora, Luca and Teressa took me back to our house and stayed with me the entire day until my parents got there around 9:30 at night. They seriously were the best friends that anyone could ask for that day!! They still are the best friends I could ask for! Jennie and Lora did so much for me that day, I feel like I will never be able to repay them for all they did for me and have done for me.
The rest of that day is kind of a blur. Friends, coaches, and coaches wives were in and out of my house. I had all the food in the world to eat, but the funny thing was I couldn't stand the sight or smell of any of it. Food was about the LAST thing I wanted. I remember also that people wanted me to try and take a nap. I tried, I really did but every time I closed my eyes I saw Shawn's face on that hospital bed and it was just easier for me to stay up. I also remember getting a phone call from someplace in Cleveland asking me if I wanted to donate Shawn's eyes, or skin to a person who needed them. I know there is a short amount of time for organs to be "harvested" from a person but I seriously don't think I was home for an hour when I had gotten that phone call.
Once I was home Jennie, Lora, Teressa and I just talked on and off during the day. I sat in Shawn's chair the entire day. I even got a dirty t-shirt of his out of the laundry and walked around with it all day long. The day is a blur, but I remember most everything about that day. I remember what I was wearing, what Shawn was wearing and what everyone else had on. I remember the weather, the look on people's faces, the look on their faces when the looked at me. I remember thinking that this could not be happening to me. I remember thinking how could I now be a single mother and a widow at 30 years old. I wished more than anything the events of that day were a dream, but they were not. The events of that day forever changed my life.
One week from tomorrow will be two years since Shawn has been gone. Two years since I have heard his voice and felt his touch. At two years I still think about Shawn every single day, I still love him and always will. He helped make me who I am today. It is so hard for me to think that two years without Shawn is nearing. So many aspects feel like it has been way longer than two years, and in other aspects it feels like just yesterday. The memories of that day are what still are so fresh in my mind.
Like I said at the start of this post. I wanted to share this day with you a while ago, but just did not for some reason. I know it's not a happy post, but something I wanted to share with you all none the less.
It's Jillian Micahels Yoga Meltdown. There are two different yoga workouts, a beginning workout that is 30 minutes long and and advanced yoga workout that is 30 minutes as well. I've never done yoga before, I've always been more of a Pilate's girl myself, but figured I would give it a shot. PLUS....on the cover it says you can lose up to 5 pounds a week. There is now way that is a lie! I figure with five pounds lost in a week in a month I will have lost 20 lbs and that is exactly how much weight I want to lose. So I'm going to give it a shot. Starting on Wednesday I will be doing this video everyday and see what happens. I'm also going to start my new gym schedule this week and see what happens. I also have Jillian's (I say her name like I know her or something) 30 Day Shred, so on days I can't make it to the gym I will do that DVD too. I did it before and it killed me, hopefully with working out more now it won't be so bad. Who knows...I will let you know how it goes.
