Pacey's Tots

Recently I came across an article titled 10 Warning Signs Of Cancer. I shared the link on Facebook and thought I could share some thoughts about the article. You can read the article here.

For those who are going to laugh or brush this off, let me put things into perspective: I HAD 4 out of these 10 warning signs. I'm not saying that when one has these 10 symptoms or warning signs, one has cancer. But it DEFINITELY calls for a visit to the doctor. 

The 4 I had were:
1) Fatigue and weakness
I slept, and I slept a lot. A few months before I was first diagnosed, every weekend, without fail (unless I had to wake up early), I'll be having a good long session of about 13- to 15-hours. If I do not have to wake up for work the next day, I'll be clocking in those hours as well. And it is not because I sleep late on weekdays and hence I needed to catch up on my beauty sleep. I usually sleep by 12 midnight and wake up at 7am.
I felt tired easily and after work, I simply had no energy to do anything.
2) Unusual bleeding
The first nose bleed on CNY was brushed off as too much bak kwa, hence heaty, hence nose bleed. If I recall correctly, the second nose bleed came about 3-4 weeks later, the third was about 2 weeks later. Then it became more frequent, to a weekly affair, then to once-in-2-3 days affair. 
3) Swollen lymph nodes
There was a swell below my right ear, near the jaw, on the neck. The swell never once subsided, it just grew and grew and grew. Turning my head was such a chore as it was damn painful.
4) Persistent pain, fever, cough
A few months before I was diagnosed, I fell ill quite frequently, with flu and cough. Ok, maybe we could or want to pass that off as immunity weak or I was working too hard, etc...
However, we cannot disregard the fact that I started to have fever on the night after I had my first radiotherapy session (blog post here). The fever never left and I started to have backaches as well (blog post here). Even a few weeks after I'm done with radiotherapy, the fever and backaches still haunted me (blog post here). It was only after a PET scan was done, that we realised that my cancer had spread.


Please remember that for some cancers, there's a higher chance of survival if it's diagnosed during the early stages. I'm probably a miracle case as I was 2-6 months away from knocking on death's gate. Who could have thought that one with liver and bone metastasizes could survive? Moreover, from the day I was first diagnosed till the day it was discovered that it has spread, it was just a little more than 3 months. In 3 months, the cancer cells decided to turn aggressive, wreck havoc and party round my body. Even my oncologist said that chemo is to help keep me around longer, with the option to cure.

It's your life and it pays to be vigilant. 

Before beginning on my main topic, let me talk about something superficial in a way. I FINALLY got a new phone. After 2 years of saying "I need a new phone", I finally got one!
Ok, back to my main topic...

5 years. How many 5 years does one person have? A 50 year old has 10 which, in quantity, is a lot. But to me, a cancer survivor, 5 years is a HUGE milestone, almost unquantifiable.

The past 5 years have not been easy emotionally, and it swings up and down... I've seen and heard people around me starting the battle and/or losing the battle. Why do they have to fight the battle in the very first place?!

Good news is, my oncologists decided not to see me that often after my checkups 2 weeks ago was all good and clear. Yes, not seeing me often is actually good news. Financially, yes, I don't spend so much, but that's not the main point.
It's more like, it's like a step forward, a progression towards almost a full pink of health. Although I know I'll never be fully cured, but staying as long as possible, of even forever on a NED (No Evidence of Disease) status is what I ultimately want.
So, from a every 6 months checkup, Dr Khor will see me in 12 months time and Dr Whang, 8 months. Then again, I feel a little insecure in a way. It seems that 8 and 12 months seem a little long to keep tabs on this little monster. But, I'm glad.

I thank the Lord for giving me these 5 years. And, yet again, I'm questioning myself. Why me? What the purpose? Is there something He wants me to do? Lord, I need guidance, please show the way...

Aunt M, I miss you. I really do. I saw a lady on the bus a few months back and she looked so much like you. I almost called out to her. And then when I realised she was not you, I pretended to yawn cos I couldn't hold the tears in my eyes.

I guess my hatred for the enemy will never "soften". Whenever news trickles in that someone has passed on due to cancer or that someone has a relapse, the intensity of hatred and determination to win this battle just increases.

Fighting cancer is NEVER a once-off, its a lifetime commitment and determination. Once you are on its radar, be aware, because you will ALWAYS be on its radar.

I will not give up in this battle, nor do I wish to hear/see anyone giving up. I want to win this battle "gloriously" in my own way and with God's blessings, which is to rather die in an accident, of an heart attack, stroke, etc, than to die of cancer.

I seriously do not know how I want to write this post. Right now, I'm just feeling a HUGE mix of emotions...

My heart just sank as though weighed down by a million or even gazillion tons. My stomach's churning. I'm tearing. I have the urge to question God or maybe even shout at Him. But yet, I feel inspired, motivated and even more determined to win this battle. My hatred for this enemy has been renewed and the intensity of this hatred has increased.

Just die and fuck off because you have now left 2 kids motherless! When are you going to stop?! Just when?!?!

A memorial will be held for Shin this Saturday, 31st Jan. For more details, please drop by her blog.

Shin, thanks for showing me your feisty spirit against cancer.

I'm speechless... I dunno how to carry on with this post...

I've been in touch with a fellow NPC survivor. The last checkup revealed a little scare, but Thank God, after further checks and a PET scan, all is still clear! Die cancer die!!!

I started work on Monday, going back to HMV to earn some teeny weeny spare cash for about 2 weeks or so. Actually cannot say "going back", because the department that I'm in has a headcount freeze for part-timers, so I haven't been working, I am not being sacked and I have not resigned. Right now, I'm with another department.

Don't know if I have the time, but I will try to blog... Working and then coming home to look for jobs and fill/send time-consuming online application forms cum resumes, I don't think I have much time left on hand everyday...

Let's all take a moment of respect and silence for yet another brave woman who did not give up her fight against cancer. She is Molly, founder of WeAreWonderWomen.com, the very lady who took the initiative to rally all women cancer survivors together. The lady who dished out advice on her blog to cancer survivors, patients and their care-takers.

I was blog-hopping and got to knew of her passing just moments ago. I'm almost 2 weeks late to knowing to news. But I know her fighting spirit is with all of us and that she is in good hands. Papa in Heaven, take care of Aunt Mona, Jo and Molly k?

My mum never buys Chinese newspapers because we don't read them. The only times she buys are when my sister or I request for them or when something she would wana TRY to read, like when I was featured on Lianhe Wanbao. When I went home yesterday, I found 2 Chinese newspapers on the dining table. Reason? Lydia Sum passed away yesterday morning.
After dinner, she kept asking if 48 (Starhub Cable TVBJ - Hong Kong channel) has anything in Lydia Sum. True enough, there was an entertainment news program and the entire episode was dedicated to her. My mum and I were watching and we both cried.
I cried because I was sad and happy at the same time. She was a strong and brave woman, bringing up her daughter almost on her own. The love she has for her daughter is really touching. When guests on the show were interviewed, they all spoke about the only worry Lydia has, and that's her daughter. They wanted Lydia to hear them and told Lydia that "all the uncles and aunties around her would carry on to protect her and take care of her" and that because Lydia had been a very good friend to so many of them, her daughter would be in safe hands.
Lydia gave her daughter everything she wanted and nurtured her daughter when she wanted to enter the entertainment scence. It was rumored that in her last few months, she had slowly transferred her assets in her daughter's name. She never gave up fighting the dreaded C. Right now, she has passed on and need no longer suffer. Sigh... Hong Kong has lost an endearing and loveable celebrity.
And hence, I declare again, I'll win this long battle with cancer. Die cancer die!!!

I was receiving these "private number" calls almost everyday since mid-January. I dare not pick them up because it was indicated on my phone as a diverted call. Whenever I see "weird" calls like that, my instant reaction would be to wonder if its a China scam call. There was even once that I got 4 missed calls in a row! One interesting thing bout this/these caller(s) was/were that no calls were made when the sun sets. Hmm...
But the calls ended about a week before my exam last Saturday. Maybe that fella gave up...

Since yesterday, I had a little soreness kinda feeling in my lower back. Today, the soreness has "escalated" and this backache is so so familiar, I had to hide my sobs in the toilet just now. Fear gripes me. I can only pray and wish that I would not have any fevers. The same areas are hurting, just like when my cancer spread to my liver, it is just that now, I don't have any fevers yet.

My ultrasound done last month on the 9th showed that my liver was clear. Please remain that way. For almost 2 years, I had managed to pick my life up all over again, I DO NOT want to feel wasted AGAIN!!! I can't afford a relapse, not now, not least till I celebrate Dear and mine 3rd year anniversary with properly belated, not least till I celebrate Dear's birthday properly belated, not least till I graduate.

About a week ago, WeAreWonderWomen.Com linked my blog to theirs, which I only realised a few days back. Hectic schedules did not allow me much time to shout on the shoutbox at Ping.sg, let alone blog or check my techonorati, blog stats, social networking, etc accounts. Thank You for the link.

And YES, I want to remain a Wonder Woman!!! Backaches will be gone tomorrow!!!

Date: On a weekend during primary school.

Time: Afternoon

Venue: On SBS bus service/ route #7

Activity: Going to grandma's place at Geylang Lorong 40.

Silly Me:
I was on a old double-deck non-aircon bus, sitting nearest to the driver on a single seater with a Transitlink machine behind me and the exit in front of me. It might not be a Transitlink machine, but it was definately some kinda self-paying device.

I fell asleep somewhere along Holland Road, and woke up somewhere along Orchard when I heard someone say something like, "sit here. 2 kids can share one seat." As always being such a nice little sweet gal, I moved in a little to share the seat with the other kid. Then I fell asleep again...

As the bus was nearing the Geylang area, I woke up to an elderly lady coughing beside me. Remember those old tv serials where people pass the "cough of death" around? I thought when someone coughs around you and you develop cough later, you'll die from coughing. I didn't know there was such a thing called tuberculosis and vaccinations I had when I was even younger could actually immune me to a certain extent. Being paranoid, I ran to my maid who was sitting across the exit and held back tears, because I thought I would cough to death. I can only remember asking my maid why she didn't wake me up when there was someone coughing beside me and then told her I would die.

Finally reach grandma's place and I felt that my throat was kinda itchy. Back then, I only thought I would cough and drop dead, but thinking about it now, my mind really knows how to play games with me... I kept thinking about it and cried. My mum was kinda shocked and asked my maid what happened. My mum then came to me and said something like "orbi-good, sit alone, something bad happen then you know." That was not comforting at all and my crying didn't stop.

Finally a family member, I forgot who but definately not my mum or maid, came and explained to me the vaccinations that I had would immune me to these illnesses and that coughing to death does not happen as frequent as in those tv serials.

Talking about vaccines... Ladies, please be informed that there is vaccination avaliable in Singapore against cervical cancer. Please check with your doctors meanwhile, while I source for more information... ;-)

Well, as we are often taught, always examine our breasts for lumps to check for breast cancer. However, there is another type of breast cancer called Inflammatory Breast Cancer that happens without lumps. Please check out the following articles and spread the word... Apparently it's rare (but that doesn't mean we should lower our guard) and agressive...

www.cancer.gov
www.mayoclinic.com
www.komotv.com(TV station in Seattle, Washington)
http://www.ibcresearch.org/
http://www.ibcsupport.org/

Ignorant me got a shock...

Something that just flashed across my mind just as I was about to do some work.

CANCER CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE

Reason I said that was because I just realised that the "sterotypes" of cancer is "fading". The line between types of cancer and demographic and lifestyles is getting blurred.
If you're a male, it doesn't mean you will not get breast cancer.
If you are a female, it doesn't mean you will not get nose or stomach cancer.
If you don't smoke, it doesn't mean you will not get nose, throat, mouth or lung cancer.
If you don't eat preserved foods, it doesn't mean you will not get nose cancer.
If you don't have hepatitis, it doesn't mean you will not get liver cancer.
If you don't have polyps in you colon, it doesn't mean you will not get colon cancer.
If you don't have gastritis, it doesn't mean you will not get stomach cancer.

If you're not feeling well, have nagging pains, swellings, feel tired easily, have a sudden burst of appetite that goes on for a period of time without putting on much weight or loss of appetite for no apparent reason, bleed easily through bowels, nose of any other "outlet" of the body or any other symptoms you are not comfortable with, please see a doc. If possible, insist to get scanned.
An ultrasound is about S$100 and a CT scan is about S$300 for certain parts of the body, larger area scanned means more. A PET scan, head to toe is about S$2500. These are "small" money spent compared to losing your life.

Dear loved ones, please take notice of the hints your body is throwing at you. Arresting any form of illness at an early stage means a definate higher chance of surviving. Please take care and God Bless!

Lord, Jo is with you now. Promise me to take good care of her ok? Promise me You'll love her deep deep. Promise me to look after her.
But why did You take her to be with You so soon? She's still so young. But I know You'll take good care of her.
Please bless her family and friends who have been taking of her all this while.
Papa in Heaven, take care of Jo ok? Tell Aunt M I miss her too...

In Jesus Holy Name, Amen!

Argh! I hate cancer! I had sweared that I'll fight you and mark me words! How many people are you going to take away before you stop huh? Take more and you'll burn and rot more horribly in hell!!!

Wanted to log off to start on my work after making some little template adjustments on the blog, but decided to scoot over to Jo's blog to see updates on her condition... And I didn't really like what I read...

Papa in Heaven, please help Jo and Alex tide over this period. I really don't know what to say, but you definately know what is happening. You have given me another chance at life to fulfil my dreams, how about giving Jo hers? She's still so young and has so many dreams. Please give her and Alex another chance.
Lord, they have put so much faith and trust in You, please help them. Lord, please rid all cancer cells in Jo and of all evil. Papa in Heaven, I know You can do so effortlessly, please bless and help them...

In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

It has been some time since I had read Jo's and Alex's blog, A Journey of Faith. When I read it just now, I almost fell off my chair and tears just dropped. All the while it seemed cheery. Jo's doctor told them "to be prepared for the worst" last Tuesday.

These 6 words are all so familiar when Dr. Hwang told my parents that during my first chemo session. If I can be so "normal" now, why can't Jo? It isn't fair! I hate to blame or question God, for I know He has His reasons, but I'm really questioning Him now.

And I'm questioning myself again... The meaning of "me". I feel so useless, helpless and lost right now. Why in the fuck am I still existing on this earth when I can't help people like me since I'm in remission now and experience is always the best teacher. I feel...wasted.

I was slacking, really slacking and I know it when I type "blogger singapore nose cancer" on Google search to see what pops up. And I chance upon this blog "A Journey of Faith". Reading it brought memories flooding into me. I can't help it because there are similarities between me and Jo. We were diagonsed with Stage 2 nose cancer and later the cancer spread to our liver. We are both Christians and draw strength from God during the battle.

While someone can legally buy a gun and go round shooting and killing 33 of his fellow schoolmates and later kill himself; it just translates to "no regard for life". Meanwhile, so many out there, like Jo, are fighting illness to survive. I'm still battling, though Dr Hwang says "NED, no evidence of disease", I'm battling not to have any relapse. Meanwhile, some have fought bravely and lost the battle like my dear Aunt Mona. I just don't understand why some others can give up lives so readily and easily?!

Jo and Alex, my prayers go out to you and everyone around you as you fight on. It's tiring, I know. Mentally and physically draining, I know. All kinds of irritating side effects, I know. But hang in there. This battle is not just your's, Jo, but it belongs to everyone who are giving you support too. When you emerge victoriously, which I know you will, you have ultimately won this for your friends and family too!

My prayers also go out to the victims' family of the mindless massacre. Stay strong...

More than half of the people ard me has/has/having friends, relatives or they themselves suffering from cancer. maybe singapore too small so it seems like more the half the people ard me? or is cancer getting too prominent?

who or what should we blame on? "dirty" air we breathe in due to exhaust fumes from vehicles, which fuel makers put cancer "promoting" chemicals into them? 2nd hand smoke in the air contributed by rising number of smokers? genetically modified foods? hormoned laced meat? busy lifestyle? stress?

cancer no longer just happens to older people. a rising number of children are getting cancers too. so are young adults like me, seng n xiaodoudou. i was reading xiadoudou's blog just now. it reminded myself of the shivering cold while i was having chemo (n now i dread sitting in that chair ever again) and of the nausea n seh feeling after that. i believed she could have survived if only she got a more experienced and better doc and knew ways to boost her immunity level n white blood cell count. didn't her doc knew abt Granocyte?

Cancer took away my Aunt M... how many more lives do you wana claim b4 u stop yr nonsense?!i now declare you as my enemy. i will win this battle against u! i swear n God be my witness. Live Strong!

After battling with cancer for almost a decade and 2 relaspes, Aunt M called home to the Lord on Saturday nite. I did not know the excate time she passed away, but it was either Sat nite or Sun, very early in the morning. I dun recall hearing mum's phone message alert at all, so i guess the sms by Aunt M's husband came in while we were all asleep. Mum only saw the message when she woke up.

It was the cancer of a certain gland, which i can't recall. I once read it online and it was a very slow growing cancer, slowing eating up yr life away. Her doctor did not wana remove the tumour via surgery as it was close to a nerve, thus a considerable percentage risk of being paralysed in that certain area. she went thru chemo n recover. Then about 4 years later, she had a relaspe. went thru a 2nd round of chemo. With God's grace, the tumour was cleared and she gave a testimonial at church. now, which is about another 4 years later, she felt a lump at her back. It was during the period I was having my radiotherapy. She went to different oncologists and seeked opinions. Chemo was not a very good option as she had gone thru it twice and she's already in her mid-fifties. So radiation was recommended. She went for treatment for a week, however it wasn't much of a use.

About 2 months back, she had shingles. I do not know if it had sucked her totally of her immunity to fight the cancer longer. because after that, her health detoriated much quicker then i had expected. She complained that her whole body was in so much pain and her husband had to drive her to the hospital as waiting for an ambulance wasn't an option. she was given very strong morphine. I'm having low immunity as I'm still on oral drugs. Mum could not visit her at the hospital cos her husband and son, one by one, came down with chicken pox. Then the hospital recommended to transfer her to a hospice.

When she was transferred to the the hospice, my mum was away in M'sia. whn my mum came back, i heard from her that their mutual friends have visited her. when Aunt M said she could hear voices singing to her, Aunt G said that maybe the angels were singing. gradually, her health worsen. when Aunt I visited her about 2 weeks back, she could not swallow her medication and there were tubes all over her. then mum decided to visit her on this tuesday nite n told me to pile up on foods that would boost my immunity if i were to come along. however, we did not manage to make that visit afterall.

Heard that she fell into coma last week. She even asked her husband why her memory n movement detoriated. The cancer had spred to the vital organs, lungs, liver and kidney. She could not even pass urine. To many, it came too sudden as those who knew about her worsening condition had initially planned to visit her on sunday or like mum n i, during these few days.

I know as her as a lady of strength. She never gave up trying for a child. When she got pregnant, she had to stay in bed for almost the entire 9 months while carrying her son. she had hopes for the entire family to move to australia for a better life. she fought this battle long n hard. while i was having my treatment, she would encourage me. she said i'm still young, i still have a long road in front of me n never to give up, esp for my parents' sake. she also said it was God's test for me n to put my life in His hands n trust Him to lead me to a victory. She encouraged me to read the Bible again and seek out God's love n grace. She kept me in her prayers n attended miracle healings sessions at her church on my behalf as I was too tired n weak to go.

She's also an experienced baker. While having chemo, during my free time, when i feel ok enough, i would bake. she would taste n give comments n taught me how to improve on it. we also shared recipies on a few occasions.

I will always remember her loving motherly smile and touch that she always has. I will always remember the words of encouragement she gave me. I will always remember the glass of warm milk she gave me for breakfast at her old jurong apartment when i was still young. i will always remember her fetching me to n fro from speech n drama classes in her old blue alfa, nanny-ing me as my mum wasn't free. I'll Miss You Aunt M... I will...

Heavenly Father, now that she has called home to you, pls take care of Aunt M like how she used to take care of me. Pls bless her husband n son and shower them with all your love and grace. Pls let her know I'll miss her deeply and remember her for life. In Jesus Holy Name i pray, Amen...

It's a long day. Went to sun moulin bakery at isetan scotts to get my sis n me, our fave cheese mochi. then got an sms from chee, gotta know a frd's mum had passed on n arranged to go to the wake with her later in the evening. walked over to tangs to help my mum get a handbag she saw. walked over to dr hwang's clinic to pass them some new year cookies.

its dear's last day today and he can go off by lunch time cos he only needed to give some product training. but some stuff cropped up about salary matters and he can't leave tt early. anyway i was still early and needed to get a top to change to wear to the wake cos i was wearing pink. so from mt. elizabeth, i walked over to (guess where else...) taka's mango to look for a top. of 3 not so colourful and bright tops i chosen, the cutting of 2 were slightly big although i took the smallest size, so i was only left with 1 choice. i wanted to buy a few (anyway, wake or not, i would buy a few if they could fit) so dear could help me see which one was more suitable. i also targetted a few more to buy during the sales period cos the pricing for those pieces were quite high and i find the designs ok, can buy type, not wah, very nice type... i also saw a pair of knee length pants, which i prefer to call bermudas cos they look like one, which was, in wht i called in my own lingo, 2 way wearing. i can pair it with a baggy t-shirt and slippers and wear them to market. i can also pair it with a nice smart casual top and a pair of heels and walk around in town, looking in vogue. so i bought 1 top n 1 bottom in the end.
i then walked over to wisma atria isetan's mango to look for other designs i can choose from. i once said in here that not all designs are found in all outlets. some designs can only be found in certain outlets. tried a racer back top, but the arm hole was a tad too big, so it looked a bit baggy... then dear called to say he's leaving and will mit me and his frd at cineleisure burger king. so while walking in the air-con from wisma atria to taka, i decided to pass by m)phosis. tried a black top but it was too longish for my liking, din buy in the end, so i continued my walk over to cineleisure.

had a chicken whopper jr for lunch and showed dear the top. he said it's quite ok, but a bit "happening". i kinda understood wht he meant cos the top had pictures on it. we proceeded to level 9 for dota, i'm starting to learn how to play already, but still need loads more training sessions. initial plan was for me to play for 1 hour then go home to change, put the down stuff, rest for a while then go down for the wake. but after playing for the hour, i got lazy n decided to stay n watch n learn the game. while watching dear play, i got to know more characters and their "special powers". i changed and at abt 6.15 we left and i took a cab down to mit chee at the wake.

this frd of ours, her mum passed away due to something which i really dislike now. its cancer, colon cancer. 2 immediate family members of my frds had passed on due to cancer, a few more other frds have immediate family members who have fought the battle and in remission. a few of my mum's friends also have fought the battle and now in remission, one more frd is still fighting. both my grandma's had their breasts removed. the person closest to myself, which is me myself, is also fighting the battle. y issit another cancer case?! haven't i heard enough?! so many institutes and organisations over the world are doing cancer research, haven't they researched enough to find a total cure?! this frd's mum was in remission but the cancer came back! having cancer is just like having a damn fucking irritating time-bomb in the body! fucking hell, u just dont know when it'll come back to haunt you.

but still, i take it in stride. As a Christian, i must believe in God's plans for me and have faith in him. as i was telling my frd, God has already made plans for us. if he wants me to call home earlier to him, i will. if he wants me to stay here longer, i will. but He will not show us the entire plan, just like how our insurance agents show us the entire insurance saving plan in details at one full glance how much we would have at certain ages. so, i gotta take it in stride and live strongly day by day, and like wht aunt elizabeth says after she removed her breast, she thanks God everyday when she wakes up for granting her another day.
but there's something i realise i need to learn, tt's to really believe whtever God does, its for the best for me. Just like now, I'm starting to believe wht PJ said, God's giving me this hurdle to bring me back to him cos i backslided way too much and am wandering around like a lost sheep. Today's memorial service and wht the pastor said about knowing God as our Saviour only echos wht PJ says. Honestly, it was only thru this ordeal, i started reading the bible again and slip into His arms like a lost child looking for comfort, love, support and forgiveness for being wilful and running away. n i know He had never ever given up on this lost sheep cos during these 9 months of ups and downs, i can see Him healing and guiding me to full recovery n listening to my prayers for giving me more time here. Most of all, i can feel His warm loving embraces and sayang-ing me. I have never felt so dependent on Him for such a longest time already.

anyway, back to the long day issue... after attending the wake, i went down to esplanade to mit dear for supper at glutton's square. but today no mood to talk about food... only in the mood to reflect n embrace in God's love... :-)

I was watch The Oprah Winfrey Show on Star World just now. Her interviewee this time round was Lance Armstrong. Dun ask me how long ago this was recorded cos it was only mentioned he won Tour de France 6 times, not 7... The entire episode made me cried cos I was inspired and touched.

Lance got testicular cancer when he was just at the emerging peak of his career. His doctors gave him 40%-50% chance of survival only cos the cancer has spread to the lungs and brain. 3 months later, he was in remission and started training on his bike all over again. he went on to have 3 lovely children and 7 Tour de France titles. Oprah asked him if he hadn't had cancer, would he have won. his reply was something like (I cant remember the excate words) that if he had won cancer, Tour de France was nothing. I share the same sentiments. Although i always forget and never had the chance to ask dr. hwang how far i was away from death, I knew i was close enough. But I knew since I could escape death on God's blessings and battled death, I knew any other future obsticles would be easier to clear.

Then Sheryl Crow came onto the show. Sheryl Crow, a singer is Lance's gf. Sheryl's much older, but you could sense their love and affections for each other, and it was deep. Photos were shown of Sheryl at Tour de France supporting Lance during the comeptition. It just just like how dear stood by me the entire time during this battle, this competition, this struggle, this hurdle against death, against cancer.

Then it was revealed that Lance's mum, Linda was a single mum, giving birth to Lance at the age of 17. Against all odds and family and friends asking her not to keep the baby, she did. During this time when her son got cancer, she was by his bedside all the time. accompanying him all the time thruout the treatments. just like my mum. accompnaying me to and fro, being there at the clinic while i'm having chemo, waking me up and making me sure to take my medications, always being there... just like my dear too, accompanying me to and fro, waiting for me to finish my radiotherapy at the hospital...

Lance's a huge inspiration. to him, cancer was the best thing it happened to him. I'm still not brave and strong enough to say cancer was the best thing that happened to me. But it was this "lesson", i learnt to be stronger and learnt to treasure and appreciate life more. But there's one thing i couldn't not agree with him, that's "Live Strong", which i will and adhere strongly!

Now, its time to get the yellow band, anyone knows where to get one? I dun wan pirated one... I want one which the proceeds goes to the Lance Armstrong Foundation to help in cancer research and education...

As we inch closer and closer to Christmas and rejoice once again for the birth of the Holy One, there are so so many things that are just running thru me. hence, the sleepless nite and another of those "early morning" entries.

Dear asked me what i want for xmas. to me rite now, nothing else material will satisfy. During the last one and a half years, many things has happened adn i only hope God will grant me 2 xmas wishes.
1. Health for everyone ard me, my frds, family, relatives, distant relatives, dear and his family, etc...
2. Dear and I will be a loving couple rite till the end of time or our lives, whichever is earlier.

During this one and a half years, both my grandmas got to have their breast removed. in this entry i toked about my downs n my dad's mum and how i n my cousin are freaked out. ironically, i'm down with nose cancer, not breast cancer. next week, my mum's mum is scheduled for the op and weeks of radiotherapy will follow. now that when i'm almost thru n done with it, it seems to be coming back all over again, but to my mum's mum. I'm totally freaked out and worry for all my grandaunts and aunties. toked to my mum a little, seems like my dad did a somewhat like a tumour marking test for breast cancer, but he passed. will it skip one generation? and thru this i know a secret that has been kept from me for 24 years, my mum is adopted. so, although my parents are cousins and my dad passed the test, i shouldn't be that freaked out. but by strictly blood relations, its my grandma n grandaunt who are victims already. I wouldn't want to see another victim to any ladies of my entire extended family. but, i'm still freaked out.

How it started... apparently there was a free checkup by NKF for frequent donors or something like that. my mum, aunt and grandma went. n that was when it was discovered my grandma's tumor marker was high. but it was "traced" to her kidney n liver and CT scan did show something there. n while waiting for further scheduled test and scans for her kidney n liver, she felt pain in her breast. and that was how her breast cancer was discovered. about her kidney and liver, still yet to know the seriousness of it.

Live life to the fullest, how true is that. today, my mum n i went to ntuc to get some groceries. on the way back, we took a cab. whn the taxi driver heard, sunset way, he immediately toked abt the owner of chin huat live seafood and how young he was to die at the age of 52. he said, ren sheng duan duan ji shi nian, jin tian bu dong ming tian shi (life is a short span of tens of years, today u would not know what will happen tmr). live life like its the last day, that would how i wana tell myself from now on and how i wana tell my kids in future. God let me escaped death, I dun wana be so close to it once again so soon. i can never ever forget the look on my radiologist's face when he saw my PET scan and said he wanted me to have chemo straight away.