I did it...well almost. 30 posts in 30 days for the month of November. Whew!! I actually missed one day in the beginning so I really only have 29 numbered posts for the 29 days I posted. However, if you count the time I posted when my blog was getting it's face lift then I really do have 30 because I posted twice that day, but only counted the one. Anyways the 30 posts in 30 days is now over. However, I have come to realize that I love blogging, I love reading each of your blogs and I love posting to mine. I mean it's what I do all day...blog! So I'm going to continue to post everyday. I think my blog has been a great way for me to release my many many emotions that I feel at any given point and time.

Thank you again for reading my blog and as always thank you for the great comments back to me. I was just telling a non blogger friend of mine the other day how amazed I still am at the support you get from fellow blogger's, people that you have never met and probably will never meet, but yet are there for you when you need it the most. You all have been a huge form of support for me over the last 3 months and I feel like I could really never thank you all enough, except for to keep saying thank-you. So thank you!!!! from the bottom of my heart.

Ok, well the last few days have been somewhat emotional for me. I think I kept it together pretty well, but have felt really sad and lonely on the inside. I've felt a gamete of emotions ever since Wednesday when preparing myself for my first Thanksgiving without Shawn. I thought once Thanksgiving was over I would feel a bit better, but instead I missed shopping with him on Black Friday. I was with my mom and sister, but still felt so alone. It is such a horrible feeling, I had my mom and sister with me and hundreds of people in the store around but still felt alone.

Shawn and I always shopped on that day together, we talked about what we were going to get our families and our plans for gifts to each other. This year I did the shopping myself, and was saddened by the thought of not getting Shawn a gift this year. I already posted about the memorial tree, but that only got me thinking more about Christmas and Christmas without Shawn. I felt proud picking out a tree to honor Shawn with, but also felt sad at the same time that I had to do that. I think if there was a way I could just skip Christmas this year I would. I know I can't and I know I have to face it and I will, as I've faced everything the last 3 months, but this just might be one of the harder things to face...Christmas morning without him. UGH!!

Then last night I went to see the movie 4 Christmases, all I can say is freakin hysterical!! I seriously don't think I have laughed that hard since Shawn has died. I even choked swallowing my pop one time. Vince Vaughn is just too damn funny! It was a great movie and I would rec commend it to anyone who needs a good laugh. It was well worth the $16 I spent. Anyways I've felt about 100 different emotions within the last few days, and now I'm tired so I think I'm going to watch some TV and fall asleep.

Here is to many posts to come!!

Every year since as long as I can remember my family has always had two Christmas trees in our house. One is the fake tree that is in the formal living room. This is the tree with all of our ornaments on it that each of us 'kids' get every year from Bronners. (the worlds largest Christmas store...a different post for a different time) The other tree we have always had is a real tree we put up in the family room that is supposed to be similar to the Charlie Brown type of tree, that for some reason gets bigger and bigger every year. This is the tree that has the theme of snowmen/snowflake ornaments on it.

This year however we are doing something different with the real tree in the family room. Instead of getting a tree that would be thrown out after Christmas we have decided to get a small potted Blue Spruce that we can than plant in the yard in memory of Shawn after Christmas. Everyone in the family thought that this would be a good idea not only as a wonderful way to honor Shawn, but also because can you imagine a Christmas tree with breakable ornaments on it with Bo ramming around all over the place? I can and I think that Bo would win and the tree would come crashing down.

So this year we will still have our family tree with each of our special ornaments on it. (I'm not looking forward to putting that tree up...seeing all of Shawn's ornaments) Then in the other room we will have the potted tree for Shawn. This year the tree will have small ornaments on it. Then as soon as Christmas is over it will be planted in the yard. I think this is a great idea and then in the summer or when ever for that matter people will have a place to go to spend some time with Shawn when they want.

It was hard today going to pick out the tree, not actually picking out the tree, but just facing the fact that Christmas is right around the corner and Shawn will not be here this year. I know Shawn will be with me, but it won't be the same and I can't stand that, it hurts bad. Christmas was his favorite time of year. It makes my heart hurt knowing that he won't be here. I hope he has an awesome Christmas in Heaven this year.

Ok....well I'm off to see a movie with Sarah we are going to see 4 Christmas's. I hope it is funny after picking out the tree this afternoon I could use a good laugh.

I do like the thought though of having a tree just for Shawn. I hope he likes it.

Well Black Friday came and went without a hitch. I wasn't too awfully excited to shop this year, but ended up getting some really really good deals and we didn't even leave our house until 9:00 am.

I just about finished all of my Christmas shopping in one day. That has never happened before. I have 25 people to buy for this year. With just shopping today I was able to cross 20 people off of my list. Only 5 left, not bad if I do say so my self. The best part...I was able to buy 25 gifts for right around $200.00. How is that for deals? Everything I got was at least half off, if not more. Actually now that I think about it most things were more than half off today. Good deals all around.

I really wasn't going to buy anything for myself today but I had to. Really, I did listen to these 2 deals. My favorite brand of jeans that are NEVER EVER on sale were not only on sale today, but on clearance. The regular price for them is right around $70 (ridiculous I know, I only have 1 pair) I got them for $30 SCORE!!! I couldn't pass that deal up, it just wouldn't be right. Besides you can never have too many pairs of jeans. Right?

I also got a really good deal on a winter coat. It was originally $100 and on sale with a coupon I got it for $50. It is so cute, warm and not bulky, I hate bulky winter coats. I did need a new winter coat really bad. I only have my white leather coat that Shawn got me last year for Christmas and that can't really be worn every day. Like how I'm justifying why I bought things for me??

I didn't do too bad shopping today. I only got panicky and anxious feeling two different times. Both times I just kind of talked myself out of it. I only got that way because I was really missing Shawn, we always shopped together the day after Thanksgiving. It was really weird not having him there with me. I saw a couple about our age walking around the mall holding hands and that made me really sad, Shawn and I always held hands while we were at the mall. Ah, another good memory. There was only one other point that I got kind of teary feeling. We were in a store and I found the perfect gift for Shawn. I actually picked it up and looked at it and thought to myself...oh boy Shawn told me he wanted that this year and he would really like that, I should get it for him, then I remembered. I put it back on the shelf, walked away and out loud told him that I loved him. (I was in an aisle all by myself, so nobody saw me talking to myself, thinking I was crazy)

So for the most part today was a good shopping day. I guess all in all it wasn't a bad day either. I would say it was a pretty good day with some sad moments. Sometime this weekend we are going to put up our Christmas Tree...I don't want to...we shall see how that goes. (a post for another time)

Hope you all found some good deals too.

As I'm typing this it is 11:30 on Thanksgiving night. The first thing I want to tell you is to please go and visit the Bring the Rain Blog http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/11/redeemed.html. Angie wrote the most amazing post today and she asked each reader to participate in a Thanksgiving challenge. There are some very powerful comments on her blog. Her challenge really makes you stop and think. Go and visit her site and read her post and read through some of the comments people have left.

I have made it through my third first without Shawn. First was my birthday, then Shawn's and now Thanksgiving. It was a different Thanksgiving than in years past but at least for me that was ok. My brother wasn't able to come home either, so having Matt missing and Shawn gone was weird. We didn't eat at the table, with the good dishes, instead we ate in front of the TV with the every day dishes. We still made and ate all the traditional Thanksgiving foods (actually my mom and sister made the food, I didn't make crap) I seriously don't think I have eaten that much food in one day since Shawn died, but it all actually tasted really good. I am still full feeling.

No today wasn't a typical Thanksgiving for me. There was no bouncing back and fourth between two families, there wasn't making room for two different dinners, there were no conversations with Shawn while driving back and fourth, there was no waking up to Shawn whispering "Happy Thanksgiving baby" in my ear. This Thanksgiving was not normal for me, but then again everything I've faced in the last three months hasn't been normal. I'm still working on finding my new normal. After thinking about it, it was an 'ok' Thanksgiving. Not normal, but not as horrible as I thought it would be, just different.

Bo and I went to the cemetery today and took out Shawn's grave blanket. (I will post a pic soon) I talked to Shawn as I always do. I told him again as I do every time that I go that I miss him and that I love him. I told him that I hope he was having a peaceful and wonderful Thanksgiving in Heaven. I also told him that I know deep down that I'm going to be ok, it's just going to take some time. I also told him that I know he and our baby are watching over me and protecting me and I thanked him for that. I also told him that I still don't understand why he had to leave me, but that I didn't blame him. I actually thanked him for giving my life so much meaning. I told him I would be forever grateful to him, for making me the person I am today. I thanked him for loving me how he did and for the amazing 11 years we had together. I also told him that I'm so thankful that I have every memory of him and of us that I do. I told him that many times the memories I have bring tears to my eyes, but I can't wait for a time to come when I can think about those memories and smile and be happy instead of crying and being sad when I think about them. I thanked him for being my husband, being my best friend and for being my one and only first true love. I told him that I can't wait to meet him again in my dreams one day soon. I told him that I loved him. Then I just stood there for a few minutes before I left.

Since this is still Thanksgiving I feel like I need to give a small list of the things that I'm thankful for in my life.

• I'm thankful that Shawn was the man that I married and even though our life together ended way to fast, I so thankful and grateful for the life we had together and for everything that Shawn did for me.
• I'm thankful for all of the memories that I have of Shawn and of our life together.
• I'm thankful that my parents opened their house back to me so that I could come home and be with family until I can figure out where I want my life to go next.
• I'm thankful for the support that my little sister and brother have given me since Shawn has died.
• I'm thankful that at this moment I don't have to return back to work and have had this time to really think about my 'new' life.
• I'm thankful and grateful in so many different ways for my friends. I have always thought my friends were important to me. However since losing Shawn my friendship with all of my friends has changed and changed for the better. Each friendship is much stronger. My friends were there for me on the worst day of my life, I will never forget what they did for me after Shawn died and what they have each done for me since. I really feel that it is my friends and family who are helping me to get through this grief. My friends are helping me to go on and live. I can honestly say that I love all of my friends. You all know who you are...
• I'm thankful for this blog. At first it was just a silly way for me to write about my boring day. This blog is so much more to me now. I feel like this blog has been a great outlet for me to express my feelings and emotions.
• I'm thankful for the many new friends I have found through my blog. You guys have all been so great. I'm amazed at how much support can come from 'strangers' that I have never met. Each of you have left me such wonderful, supportive comments to me. I can't thank you enough for that. Thank you again for the comments and wonderful encouraging words. They really do mean a lot to me.
• I'm thankful that through my blog I have allowed many women see their husband in a different way. As horrible as it was and still is to lose Shawn, I'm thankful that I was able to help others to not take their husbands and their relationships for granted. I'm thankful that with what I'm going through others are able to love their husbands in a more profound and meaningful way. I'm thankful that now many other women kiss their husband good night and good morning and that they may say "I love you" just one more time during the day.
• Oh man...I almost forgot to say I'm thankful for my crazy little dog Bo, who makes me laugh even on the sad days.

These are just some of the things that I'm thankful for, I could really go on and on. Even though I have lost so much this year I still have so much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving and I'm thankful for each and every one of you!

When ever there is a major event in ones life it is funny how we count the event. We remember significant events in days, weeks, months and years. After a person is married they walk around with a smile on their face. When a stranger asks how long you have been married you say, "3 weeks or 3 months" One usually counts in months until they reach one year of marriage, then it turns into years. Then once one gets pregnant they walk around glowing telling most anybody that will listen that they are 5 weeks along, 25 weeks, or almost 40 weeks. Rarely have I heard a lady say "I'm 5 months and 3 days" Typically pregnant women speak in weeks. The same is true for when the baby is born. Proud parents walk around telling people that their baby is 5 weeks, 12 weeks or 15 weeks old. Then it changes to months until the babies first birthday, then it moves to years. As I'm thinking about it I'm finding it funny how we 'count' the important things in our life. Today is another milestone for me, although not a happy one.


100 days, that is what I'm counting today. Today, Wednesday November 26, 2008 at 10:45 a.m marks the 100th day since Shawn has been gone, since I have been a widow. 100 days,14 weeks, 3 months and 2,400 hours. I've said this before but I'm going to say it again. There is part of me that feels like Shawn just died yesterday because everything is so vivid yet in my mind...the smell of the ER, the clothes Shawn was wearing, the looks on my friends and the coach's faces, my painfully long feeling drive to the ER even though it only took 20 minutes, the phone calls telling our parents and the way that Shawn looked as they were wheeling him into the ER. That is all so fresh in my mind I remember everything of that day and of that morning...everything. Then there is the other part of me that feels like it has been so much longer than the 100 days. This is the part of me who is missing Shawn more and more every day, the part of me that misses the touch of his hands,lips and body, the part of me who misses the conversations that we used to have every day, the part that misses the love and security he gave me and the part of me that still 100 days later sleeps with his dirty shirts that no longer smell like him but make me feel good. 100 days that is a long time to be away from the person that you have loved the most in your entire life. Shawn and I were never apart for more than 2 days at a time. In being together for almost 12 years we were never apart for longer than 48 hours and that only happened during football season. Every other night we were with each other. 14 weeks/100 days that is an extremely long time to be alone when you are used to being with your husband.


I know there will come a time when I stop counting the hours and the days, that has mostly already passed. I know there will come a time when I stop counting the weeks and just say how many months he has been gone. Then I know the time will come when the number of months will turn to the number of years. However, for now I count the number of weeks and months. I wake up every Monday morning and that is the first thought in my head. "Today is another week that Shawn has been gone" I think it even before I step foot out of my bed on Monday mornings. I know the number in my mind, I don't even have to look on the calender. The same is true on the 18th of every month. On the morning of the 18th I have to add a number onto the amount of months since Shawn has been gone. It is a horrible feeling.

I know one thing and that is this. No matter how many weeks, days, months or years that Shawn will be gone I know that I will always love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. I also know that no matter what happens in my life, if I'm alone or with someone else I will still always love Shawn with my entire heart and body. I will always remember how important he is to me. As the months pass I may lose track of the exact number, I will never lose track the number of years that day is forever etched in my memory. I will never forget our love. I will never forget how Shawn loved me and how he made me feel. I will never forget the love the two of us shared. Hours, days, weeks, months, and years will all pass but my love for Shawn will never pass.

Today I had a pretty good day. It was actually the first day all week where I haven't been all teary and upset feeling. I met Sarah and two of her friends for coffee/hot chocolate at... can you guess where...Starbucks! Have I mentioned before that I love that place? I then went back to Sarah's house for a while to help her work on her CD orders, then did a few other things during the day. I was actually going to post today about my 'good day'.

However I got home and went to read the comments on my blog as I do everyday. One of the last posts was from DarlingNikki (http://22andlife.blogspot.com/) She told me in her post that she has never left me a comment before because she never really knew what to say to me. She went on to tell me that she admired me and my bravery facing such a horrible situation. She told her friends about me and what has happened in my life the last 3 months, telling her friends that she didn't think she could survive if anything like what happened to me would happened to her.

Tragically, it did happen to her. She is now a 22 year old living with the sudden loss of her husband as well. Her husband of 2 years Michael passed away on November 3 from an accident on a race track drag racing. She is 5 months pregnant. You all have been such a huge support to me and for me I'm asking you all to go to her blog (she just started it today) and please let her know that you are thinking of her. I would really appreciate it.

I will tell you about my 'good day' in another post, but for now, please go to her blog and leave her some encouraging words.

Thank you! Once again, you are all great and I appreciate each and every comment

Well guys, I changed my mind...I added a play list to my blog. Don't worry I didn't want to offend anybody who didn't want the music nor did I want to lose any readers. So I put my music on silent. That way if you want to listen to it you can by turning it on, if not you don't have to. (this is especially for those of you who blog at work) You just have to scroll down to the bottom of the page to turn it on. Depending on what you all think of the songs I may change it to the auto on mode instead of you turning it on, but for now I want to give you all the option to listen. Most of the songs I have included are on the softer side, so they shouldn't come on and blast you out of your skin. Well unless the volume on your computer is on really high. The songs I have included have either significant meaning, to myself, Shawn or both of us.


Like I said I wasn't going to have music on my blog but I was really missing Shawn last night. At bed time I went up to my room and just started listening to songs that we had at our wedding. Needless to say I ended up crying my eyes out...I hadn't done that in a while. I think I just needed to get everything out again. After I was done I realized how important music really is when you are grieving the loss of someone. The songs made me remember the good times with Shawn. I'm going to list the songs I've included and tell you why they are important to me. This will probably get long from this point on so you don't have to read on if you don't want to.


1. If I Had Only Known-Reba McIntire- This was in the movie 8 Seconds. Shawn loved this movie. It was one of the songs that is played at the end and I've always liked it. I remember one day telling Shawn that is such a horrible song to play after a person has died. But the words are so true. Please if you don't listen to any other song, please listen to this one.
2.Homesick-Mercy Me-I have never listed to this group before. Somebody suggested I listen to the song. I did and like it-again, very true words.
3.My Heart Will Go On-Celine Dion-Yup from Titanic-This song makes me cry on a good day,let alone how I've felt for the last day or so. Shawn even cried when this song was played in the movie. But I can't help it I love it.
4.Neon Moon-Brooks and Dunn-This was Shawn's favorite country group. We saw them in concert several times. This was the first song Shawn sang out loud to me.
5.What About Now-Daughtry- I just really like this song. Again the words are fitting.
6.Thank You For Loving Me-Bon Jovi-This song was played in our wedding. A young lady sang it at the very end of the ceremony as we were walking down the aisle. I have always loved Bon Jovi. I loved that we had a Bon Jovi song at our wedding.
7.In the Arms of an Angel-Sarah McClaughlin-I've always liked this song. Did you see Sarah and Pink sing it last night at the ACM awards? It was great.
8.Little Wonders-Rob Thomas- We both really like Rob Thomas. Shawn said this is one of his favorite songs by him
9.Amazed-Lonestar-Another song that was played during our wedding. Right after we exchanged our vows. This was also played at Shawn's funeral with pictures of Shawn playing in the background.
10.I Cross My Heart-George Strait-This was our first dance song at our wedding.
11.Lost in The Moment-Big and Rich-When this song fist came out Shawn looked me in the eyes and told me that if we ever renewed our vows he would want this song played at the ceremony. He told me that is exactly how he felt when we got married.
12.When I Close My Eyes-Kenny Chesney-Kenny Chesney was the first concert that we went to as a couple. This is the first song that Kenny sang at the concert.
13.I Love the Way You Love Me-John Michael Montgomery-Every time Shawn heard this song, he said it reminded him of me. Yes, I cry at movies I've seen hundreds of times. Yes, I loved the way Shawn loved me.
14.Ice Cream-Sarah McClaughlin-I'm not going to lie, Shawn hated this song. But I like it so it is on the list.
15.Just To See You Smile-Tim McGraw-Shawn always told me that he liked to do things to make me smile. So this is for him-my memories of him bring tears to my eyes, but make me smile at the same time.



Ok there you have it. The list of songs that are important to me. I could have added many many more, but for now I thought those were enough. After typing out the list I realize that many of them are sad type songs, but I guess that is kind of what I'm feeling like right now...sad. One day soon I will re-due my play list and jazz it up a bit.



If there is one song on my list that I ask you to listen to...listen to every word it would be "If I had Only Known" When you listen remember your husband, remember to love him, and remember the small moments that you are able to share with him. Remember the sound of his voice and the touch of his hand. Remember to tell him that you love him!

Again I set this up so you have to turn it on. If you think you all would like this music on all the time let me know and I will change it back.


Thanks for reading about my memories.

Yup, good ole mac and cheese that is what got me today. As soon as I came down stairs and saw it on the stove I got a big lump in my throat and the tears came to my eyes. Stupid Mac and Cheese! You must all be thinking man this lady has really flipped her lid, why the heck would Mac and Cheese make a person cry.

Typically on Sunday's Shawn and I would eat Mac and Cheese before he would leave for work. Or we would eat it occasionally for dinner if I was lazy and didn't feel like cooking. I would always boil the water and 'cook' the noodles. After I drained the noodles I would yell to Shawn, "Your up!" He would then finish making it. I'm not really sure what he did to it, but it was always so creamy, cheesy and wonderful. I think he added 2 pieces of cheese, and then extra butter, but never any milk. When it was his turn I would usually go into the living room and sit down. After he was done mixing it up he would always bring me my bowl and give me a kiss on the top of the head. He did this every single time we ate this 'meal'. That is why tonight's Mac and Cheese brought tears to my eyes. I've tried to eat Mac and Cheese a few times since Shawn has died and I just can't. It doesn't taste the same, it's not creamy, cheesy or wonderful and most importantly and my favorite part there is not a kiss on the top of my head.

It is really weird how one minute I can be having a 'fine' day and the next minute something like the sight of something stupid like Mac and Cheese has me teary and wanting to bawl my eyes out. I hate this, I really really HATE this, every single part of it!!
****************

I would like to take this time to thank you all once again. Over the last several weeks I have had many new readers as well as those of you who have been with me since the very beginning. Each and every one of you have left me the most wonderful, thoughtful and heart warming comments. I really appreciate each and every one of them. Your comments bring a smile to my face and make me feel a little bit better at the end of the day. I would love to meet each and every one of you and give you each a big hug for being so thoughtful and wonderful to me and to Shawn as well. I think Shawn would get a big kick out of how many people read my blog now. I also know he would appreciate each of your words to me. Thank you for every word you all have typed to me. I greatly appreciate it...more than you know. Thank you!!! Oh~also a few of you have commented on how 'pretty' I am...thank you for that comment as well. You all are great!

Well today was the big game between University of Michigan and Ohio State. This was always a big game for Shawn. For as long as I can remember we would both get dressed up in our game day gear, order Chinese take-out, go home eat and watch the game on TV. Even before Shawn died, this year was going to be a little different than years past because YSU played a game today. (Shawn was seriously stressing about missing this game today to be at his own game) In years past what ever college we have been at the season usually ended the week before so this was never an issue. I told him not to worry about it I would be a good wife, and text him a play by play and I would DVR the game so we could watch it the next day.(so not the same in his eyes!) Shawn got the best of both worlds today...he got to watch both games at the same time. He had the best seat to watch both games. YSU won (go Penguins!!) Wish I could say the same for UofM, but as usual this season they couldn't do anything right and lost the game 42-7. YUCK!! We can only hope that next season is better.

I decided earlier this week that I was going to continue our game day tradition. I dressed today in my UofM t-shirt that Shawn got me for last years game. Bo of course wore his UofM football jersey and he even got a new football toy to play with during the game. Then for lunch I ordered Chinese take out, went home ate and watched the game. YSU started their game at 2:00 so for about an hour I watched the UofM game on TV and listened to the YSU game on the radio. I have done this all year. Watch UofM on TV and listen to YSU on the radio. It just kind of makes me feel 'normal' because that is what I'm so used to doing on Saturdays. I usually can't wait for the football season to be over. It is a long season and at the end I always missed Shawn because of the long hours that football coach's work. Today I told one of the coach's that I didn't want this season to end. He asked me why. I told him because I always looked forward to the season being over to spend more time with Shawn. However, this year is so different, I already miss Shawn so much, listening to their games was just something that I was hanging onto, something that was still normal for me. He told me that YSU football will be back again next year, and that Shawn and I will always be part of the YSU football family. Like I said yesterday...sweet guys. Here are some pic's of our UofM football game day! Man Bo can hang onto the ball better than some of the UofM players!

As many of you know, today is Shawn's birthday. He would have been 32 years old. Today was bad but not as bad as I thought it was going to be. When I went back to bed after letting Bo outside I did have a few tears. The coaches must have known I was getting all teary because just as soon as the tears started falling, my phone started ringing. Starting at 7:45 this morning the four coaches that were most important to Shawn and I while in Youngstown all called me throughout the hour. Each of them told me how much they missed Shawn, that they missed me couldn't wait to see me again, and that they would be thinking of both of us on this special day. For being a bunch of single guys and football coach's they all are awfully sweet. One of them even left me the sweetest text message today on my phone. Tomorrow is YSU's last game of the year and it is an away game so a group of the coach's are going to go out and have a drink for Shawn on his birthday. Those 4 guys mean so much to me.

After my trip to the mall today I stopped at the flower store and got three roses. 2 yellow, and 1 red. I went to the cemetery on the way home and put the roses on his grave. I only stayed at the cemetery for a few minutes because it was beyond freezing here today and I was afraid that if I started crying the tears just may freeze to my face. (yes, it was that cold) Anyways, I went and put the flowers down and then I just spent a few minutes 'talking' to him. I told him as always that I miss him more and more everyday. I told him that I love him and that nothing or no one in the entire world will ever change that. I also told him that I'm so sorry that he had to die at such a young age and that I was sorry that there wasn't anything that I could do to help him. I also told him I hoped he was having a happy birthday in Heaven. As soon as I said that the sun came out from behind a cloud, I took that as a good sign. I once again told him that I loved him and I missed him. Then I just stood there for a few seconds, turned around and got into my car and left. Only a few tears were shed while at the cemetery.

I was going to use this post today to tell you all a little bit more about Shawn and what he was like as a person and as a husband. However, a 'new' person http://thekirnancrib.blogspot.com/ left a comment on my blog today. When I went to look at her blog she had been tagged by somebody and it was questions dealing with her husband. (yes, for every person that leaves a comment, I read your blog...I now know why blogging is highly addictive) Anyways I thought this would be a fun way for you all to get to know Shawn a little bit better. One day soon I will share more about how great of a person Shawn was and still is with all of you. However for now I thought answering these questions might be fun for you as well (and it will probably make me cry a whole lot less than going into how great Shawn really was, especially on this day) I do promise to make that post one day soon.

About Our Husbands...
1) Where did you meet? We met at a Pizza place where we both worked. T.J's pizza. We hated each other at first. I thought he was a mean jock, who was too wrapped up in sports, and he thought I was a stuck up snot. A year later everything changed....

2) How long did you date before you got married? We dated for 2 years before we got engaged, and we were engaged for 2 years before we got married.

3) How long have you been married? Shawn and I were married for 7 years, 3 months and 1 day. We would have stayed married forever, we loved being with each other. (We were together for 11 years total.)

4) What is your favorite feature of his? Man that is a hard one...I'm picking 2 but there are many more. 1. The way his lips were always so soft 2. His hands-he had the biggest strongest hands, but they were always soft and warm on my skin.

5) What is your favorite quality of his? Again there are/were so many...I think Shawn's best quality was that he always tried his hardest and worked his butt off at everything he did. He was a perfectionist in everything. Shawn always told me he worked as hard as he did so things would be easier for me and our family.


6) Does he have a nickname for you? Shawn usually called me Ms. Jenny (that's what the kids at school called me and it kinda stuck) Other nick names he had for me were...Angel,Silly Girl, and he always called me Jen, hardly ever Jenny and never Jennifer.

7) What is his favorite food? My mom's lasagna. He was also a sucker for Taco Bell.

8) What is his favorite sport? College football. As many of you know he loved UofM football. This would have been a very rough season for him as they are not doing well at all.

9) When and where was your first kiss? Our first kiss was in the back of his mom and dad's van on the way home from Nashville, TN. Our trip to Nashville is where we really started to fall in love with each other.

10) What is your favorite thing to do as a couple? We would just hang out. Usually go to the mall and walk around talking and just being with each other. We were also known to just stay at home and be with each other just the two of us. This summer we got into watching the West Wing series. We watched almost all 7 seasons. We had the last 5 episodes to watch before he died. Within the next few weeks, I'm going to watch the remaining episodes. I have to for us!

11) Do you have any children? We found out I was pregnant 10 days before Shawn died. As many of you know 5 days after his funeral I found out the baby stopped growing and I had a D&C 3 weeks later.

12) Does he have a hidden talent? Shawn would say no, but he could sing really really good.

13) How old is he? Shawn would have been 32 years old today, November 21.

14) Who said "I love you" first? We actually both said it at the same time. We were laying next to each other on the couch. I told him I wanted to tell him something, then he told me he wanted to tell me something. We both just kinda sat there for a few minutes, then we both looked at each other and said "I love you" at the exact same time.

15) What is his favorite type of music? He loved Country.

16) What do you admire the most about him? The way that he loved me and how good of a person he was.

17) Do you think he will read this? He won't be reading it, but he knows all of my answers to the questions.

I hope you all enjoyed learning a little bit more about Shawn. One day I will write much more about him, so you will all know how great of a person and a husband he was.
***********
Shawn,
I love you and Happy Birthday
Love,
Your Angel

Nothing exciting has gone on today and I can't really think of anything to write about. Earlier today I was thinking about different things to blog about. Now as I'm writing my post for tonight, I can't think of what a single one of them were. (man I hate when that happens) I guess I'm having writer's block tonight for some reason. So needless to say I think this post is just going to be some random thoughts I have floating around in my head. Tomorrow I will get back to my usual postings.



*For now I have decided not to put music on my blog. Today I was reading a new blog and I had forgotten to turn the volume down on my computer and it happened again. Bo was asleep on my lap and we both jumped about 10 feet in the air when the blaring music came on. It took Bo a good 10 minutes to get calmed down from the loud music. I might add the music at a later date, but for now silence on my blog.



*It was freaking cold here today. I think the high was right around 30 degrees, but it was so windy it felt much colder. I really need to look into moving someplace warm, I hate the cold and I hate the snow even more. Michigan is not the place for me.



*I must confess I watch Jon and Kate + 8 every time it is on TV. I hated that show when I first moved back home. Now I love it and I can't stop watching. I even watch the ones I have seen before. Did any of you see the wedding episodes the last few weeks when Jon and Kate renewed their wedding vows in Hawaii? It was so gosh darn sweet. I had tears in my eyes, especially at the end when they were playing the Elvis song. Man they are such a cute little, I mean big family.



*Bo had his 9 week vet visit today. All his well and he got his second round of shots. He wore his orange jacket today to the vet. Everyone in the office said that I had the cutest, most well dressed dog they have seen in a while. They all loved the coat. Hey, if anyone has a Boston Terrier out there I have a question for you. Does your Boston fart and have the worst gas ever? Bo farts like a full grown man, and it is the grossest thing ever. He could seriously empty a room when he farts. The vet said it is a trait of Boston's, but I just don't know.



*I decided I'm going to start my Christmas shopping tomorrow. Yes shopping for others not myself. I figure that maybe if I go to the mall on a work day, in the middle of the day it might be a little less stressful for me. I have always loved to shop, but since Shawn has died it seems like for some reason the mall is where I decide to have that little panicky, anxiety feeling decide to sneak up on me. Maybe shopping on a week day when there is less people it won't be so bad.



*I strongly encourage all of you to visit my friend Sarah's web page and order her CD single of Christmas in Heaven. It is a wonderfully beautiful song. I finally got mine on Monday and found myself just driving around town listening to the song over and over again. Her voice is so beautiful and the song has so much meaning in it. I believe you can get 1CD for $5 or 5 CD's for $20.http://www.sarahschieber.com/ They would be great gifts to give to anybody during the holidays. You can hear a brief bit of the song on her website.

*I'm almost done reading Twilight. I love it!! It is such a great book. If Bo wouldn't have wanted to play so much this week, I probably would have finished it in just a day or two. I only have about 100 pages left, I will most likely finish tonight before I go to sleep. I have already gotten New Moon, so as soon as I finish Twilight I can start that one. I New Moon is as good as Twilight.

*O.k. seriously enough with the Kay Jewelers commercials where everyone and their freaking brother is getting engaged. I'm typically a huge sucker for these commercials and find them irritatingly sweet, but not this year and I swear every other commercial somebody is getting a huge rock put on their left hand.

*Last random thought, but by far the most important on my mind and not really so random. Tomorrow November 21 is Shawn's birthday. If he was still alive he would be turning 32. It sounds so odd and wrong for me to say "if he was still alive". He SHOULD still be alive and here with me. He was way to young to die from something as terrible as a heart attack. I still find it very unfair that he isn't with me. On my list of "firsts" this will be the second important first without him. First was my birthday a few weeks ago, now his. Next is Thanksgiving and Christmas. It makes me about sick to my stomach to think about Christmas without him. If there was a way I could skip Christmas this year I would, but if I don't face it this year then I would just have to face it next Christmas. I will post more about Shawn's birthday tomorrow.

So there you go a list of random thoughts.

I would like it if all of you who read my blog would answer a little question for me?

Should I add a music playlist to my blog? (pretty simple question if I do say so myself)

I have been thinking about adding one for a while, but then I started to hesitate a bit.
I hesitated because when I first started blogging it would scare the ever livin crap out of me when I would click on somebody's blog and the music would come blarring on through my computer speakers. Want to hear a funny story?...

One time I clicked to open a blog while going to take a drink of the best drink ever...Diet Coke. Anyways I brought the can up to my mouth in one had and clicked the link to open the blog with the other. BAM music blarring through my computer to a rather loud abnoxious song. I jumped so much that I ended up spilling my pop on the keyboard to my computer. (sorry Shawn, that's why the 'T' stuck for a while) It scared the beejeesies right out of me. At that moment I vowed that I would never put music on my blog. (I'm an extremely easy person to scare!)

Now I'm starting to think I want to put music on my blog. Everything else in my life has changed...why not change up my blog with the new design and add music? After the Diet Coke insident I decided to keep my speakers on a very low volume for the blogs that have music, especially if it a blog that I haven't read before. I now know most of the blogs that I read have music and know what to expect when the blog opens up. Just for the record I haven't been scared since that one time.

I just wanted some opinions on adding the music. I'm willing to wager that some people like the music while other's do not. Once I get a feel for what you all think I will make my choice.

******
In other news I had another massage today. One word: WONDERFUL!! I went to a different place today and it was so much better than last time, the massage table was even heated. The massage therapist didn't talk at all, it was so peaceful and so relaxing. I don't think I have felt that stressfree or relaxed since August 18 maybe even before. There were no other clients after me, so I got an extra 10 amazing minutes. During that time my face was gently massaged as well as my scalp. Sweet goodness did that feel terriffic! The therapist told me to take my time getting up. I almost cried when it was over...I didn't want her to stop. For a brief 70 minutes I felt no pain, no stress, no hurting heart, just a relaxed calm feeling. It was wonderful! Anyways I took my sweet time getting up. As soon as I stood up to get dressed I thought of Nancy and her last massage experience.(http://thenewlifeofnancy.blogspot.com/). A few weeks ago she had a massage that was wonderful as well, and when she was getting dressed she pulled a muscle in her back. OUCH! (keep in mind she is 30+weeks pregnant and I am not.) So I was very careful to get dressed. Nancy, I hope your back is feeling better!
I can say with out a doubt that I will no longer be shopping, instead I'm going to save my extra money for a monthly massage. Who couldn't use that?

Bo is now 8 weeks old as of last Friday. He goes to the vet on Thursday for his 9 weeks shots. He is doing pretty well. However, he LOVES to bite anything and everything. The table, shoes, socks, pant legs, arms, feet, toes and his blanket. The only thing he doesn't really chew on is all the toys that I got for him. He will play with them if I'm sitting on the floor with him, but they are not his chewy items of choice. I hope the chewing phase leaves us quickly. I have bruises all over my body from where he has 'accidentally' nipped me. He has been sleeping much better. The last 2 nights he has slept from 10:00-6:00, gets up at six to go outside and then has slept until 11:00 the last two mornings. Nice...it is giving me time to read Twilight. I'm sure the sleeping won't last, but it has been nice the last two days. He goes everywhere with me in the house, he even sits in the bathroom with me while I'm doing my hair. Yes, you could say he is a bit spoiled. He has stopped crying when he is in his little crate, but still hates the big one. Bo goes to the bathroom outside every time, but still has the occasional accident in the house. He is getting the idea of potty training, but I wouldn't consider him trained yet. He loves to cuddle and snuggle with me on the couch and is getting bigger every day. He is quite the handful, but he has been taking my mind off of things. Enjoy the pictures. Bo loves to snuggle with me and his blue baby blanket.

Today is another milestone since losing Shawn. It has been 13 weeks since Shawn has died, tomorrow is the official 3 month mark (92 days). In so many ways it feels like such a long time ago that I last kissed Shawn's lips, smelled his skin, or received a kiss from him. In another aspect it feels just like yesterday. I don't know what feeling is worse. To have the feelings so fresh in my mind or to have them start to slip away. The shirts I have been sleeping with of his have almost lost his scent. I still have the shirt he had on the day he died, but I'm saving that for the day that there is no more smell of Shawn in the other ones. For now I'm grateful that I can still 'feel' him with me. I know that there will never ever be a day where he is completely gone from my mind or heart.

On Friday night I was 'talking' to Shawn before I went to sleep. I was asking him to give me a sign that he was 'o.k.' with how I was handling the hurtful situation that happened to me earlier in the week. I hadn't dreamt about Shawn for a few weeks, that night I did dream about him. (I think that was my sign) This was such a vivid dream, I could see him, feel him and even hear his deep strong voice. My heart stopped hurting for just a brief moment during the dream **This will also be on the blog with Sarah and I so if you don't want to read about it now, don't read on.**

In my dream I met Shawn in a big beautiful looking Victorian house. There were lots of rooms with lots of people but very peaceful. Shawn came up to me kissed me on the lips and took my hand. I followed him into his room. Once we got there he told me that he was doing ok. He told me that it was great because he had lost so much weight and for the first time in a long time his back and knee didn't hurt, his chest had stopped hurting as well. Then he took off all his clothes to show me the weight he had lost. It was Shawn just skinnier. When he took off his shirt (he had on the U of M jersey, jeans and the hat I had him wear for the funeral) he told me to close my eyes. I closed my eyes but asked him why he wanted my eyes closed. He told me he didn't want me to be shocked or scared of the scar on his chest from the autopsy. I slowly then opened my eyes. I wasn't scared of the scar at all but went up and touched it, I even kissed his chest how I did everyday when he was still here. Then Shawn told me that the scar meant that his heart wasn't hurting anymore because they took all the 'bad hurtful stuff' out of him.

The next part of my dream he took me to his favorite park. It was beautiful as well, lots of green grass, warmth, sunshine, and children playing. We just sat and talked at the park like how we used to do when he was living. Then he walked me to this bridge, kissed the spot on my neck that he always used to kiss, told me he loved me more than life itself, and told me that he missed me. He also told me that he was ok and that I was going to be ok. He told me he had to go. I asked him to please stay with me for a little while longer. He gave me one more kiss and turned around and walked down this road. I stood there in shock that he was leaving me.

Again he was gone, just so fast...like the day that he died. Even though I know it wasn't his fault I still feel like he left me so fast. The dream was so real that I woke up shocked that he wasn't laying next to me. Ugh...I hate that feeling...I hate it bad.

It was a great dream and I'm thankful that I got to 'see and touch' Shawn again, but after waking up that morning and still now a few days even after the dream I miss him more than I did in the days before. I've said it in the past, I miss him more and more every day. I think it's kind of like how you love somebody more and more every day. However like I said I'm very glad we got to be together in this dream. In one way I'm scared to dream about him again and waking up with out him there next to me. Then in another way I can't wait to dream about him again one night soon so we can be together again.


Shawn,
I miss you, love you and I always will.

Today was supposed to be my first official full day back in Youngstown for a nice 10 day visit with my friends and football family. However, plans changed and now I'm stuck in Michigan for a few more weeks until I can make the trip again. My parents were going to drop me off in Ohio and then I was going to catch a ride back to Michigan with a friend. My ride back kinda got messed up. I couldn't drive myself because there is something wrong with the brakes on my car. Dang stupid car.

While I was there I was going to stay with different friends. We were going to hang out, talk, play with their kids and bake pumpkin rolls for Thanksgiving. This coming Friday would have been Shawn's 32 birthday so a group of the Coach's that I'm close with were going to go out and celebrate Shawn's life. Now I will celebrate here, and they will celebrate there. Everyone was so excited for me to come, I feel horrible that I couldn't just drive down myself. That is my plan for a few weeks from now. Hopefully there won't be a major snow storm during that time. This will be the first time EVER that I have driven further than an hour away alone by myself. I'm not a very adventurous person like that. Every long trip I ever went on Shawn was always there. So when I drive myself it will be a big exciting, nerve wracking thing for me. He will still be with me on the drive, just in a different way.

However, now when I go to Youngstown it will be closer to Christmas so my friends and I will be able to bake for Christmas...maybe Cheesecakes and pumpkin rolls. I'm hoping to get in some Christmas shopping in with them as well. I'm also excited because I will be able to give all my friends their gifts in person. I couldn't think of a single store bought thing that shows how important they all are to me, especially this year. So I decided to make them something with my own two hands. Yes, I'm going to attempt to be crafty. I have this vision in my head and it will be awesome and have lots of meaning behind it if it turns out. I'm going to start working on the gifts tomorrow. It will be a big secret until after Christmas because I know somebody in particular (Jennie) reads my blog, and I don't want to ruin the surprise. You will all have to wait until I get back from Youngstown to see what I'm making.

Ok, well it is getting late and I have to crawl into bed and read possibly the best book I have ever read Twilight. I didn't read as much as I wanted to today, Bo had other ideas other than being curled up on the couch reading with me. So we played most of the day instead.

WOW I can't believe that the month of November is already half over. So far I've only missed one post in my 30 posts in 30 days. Fifteen more posts to go for the month. Now that I am in the swing of posting everyday maybe I will keep that up. I've told myself that if I post everyday, then maybe they won't be so long. However almost all the last 15 posts have been pretty long so who knows.

Yup, I'm doing it I'm going to give into the pressure. I'm going to start reading the Twilight Saga of books. I've heard and seen so many people reading them I must know that the buzz is all about. When the last book came out in August we were still in Ohio, and went to a bookstore one night, not knowing it was the day that the last book came out and there was a line around the store to get the latest book. That night I saw the cover of the first book. (I sometimes pick a book to read based on what the cover looks like) I thought the cover looked interesting...two hands and an apple. Then I read the back of the book and saw that it was about vampires. I immediately put the book down. I hate anything to do with vampires. When I saw the vampire movie with Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt I had bad dreams for weeks. I didn't think any more about reading the books. Even though for the last almost 3 months people have been telling me that these books would be great for me to read to help take my mind off of things. Nope...they are about vampires, not going to happen. I know I'm a chicken!

Then tonight I was at the mall again...shocking! I was in a book store and again was interested by the cover. I picked up the book and read the first few pages in the first chapter. Sounded interesting and got my attention right away. A random lady walked past me and asked if I had read them yet and I told her no I had not. That the whole premise of a story about vampires creepped me out. She got this shocked look on her face and told me to buy the first one and that I wouldn't be able to put it down after the second chapter. Ok, that is about the 50th person that I personally know who have all said the same thing, not to mention everyone in the blogging world who has read the books. So...I decided to buy the first book. While at the check out the lady ringing me up was talking about the books as well. She said they were very intense and had some 'steamy' scenes in them. As soon as I'm done typing this post I'm going to crawl into bed and start reading. We shall see what all the hype is about. I hope people are right, I hate when I spend money on a book and don't like it.

If anybody has read the books please let me know what you think of them. I figure if I like the first one that I will ask for the rest for Christmas.

Alrighty, I'm going to get in to my p.j.'s and start reading...Twilight

I stole this idea from a new blogger friend Kristen http://toddandkristin.blogspot.com/. and thought it looked like fun. I also know that technically it is early Saturday morning, but I'm counting this as a post for Friday since I haven't gone to bed yet. What can I say I had a sort of busy day. (Well at least for me it was busy)

Crazy Eights
8 TV Shows I Love to Watch:
1. Jon and Kate + 8
2. CSI: Las Vegas
3. House Hunters
4. Dancing With the Stars (I know I'm a dork)
5. What Not to Wear (I want to be Stacey)
6. Criminal Minds
7. Law and Order SVU
8. Ace of Cakes

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1. Salsitas (A yummy Mexican place in Youngstown)
2. Pizza Hut
3. Big Apple Bagels
4. Applebees
5. The Grand Traverse Pie Company
6. The Cheesecake Factory
7. Taco Bell
8. Cracker Barrel

8 Things that Happened Today:
1. Got my hair cut
2. Played with Bo
3. Put some flowers on Shawn's grave
4. Talked to friends on the phone (I do that everyday)
5. Cleaned up my room
6. Got started buying some Christmas gifts
7. Started reading a new book (Marley and Me)
8. Put away some laundry

8 Things I Look Forward To:
1. Going back to Youngstown to see my friends (was supposed to go this week, but plans changed)
2. Making my home-made pumpkin rolls
3. Going for a massage
4. Training Bo so he stops being so crazy at night
5. Starting to work out again
6. Buying Christmas gifts for family and friends
7. Working on the new blog with Sarah
8. Going to Chicago to see Megan

8 Things on My Wishlist:
1. To have Shawn back (I know this can't happen, but it's the one thing I want more than anything else)
2. To be happy again one day
3. Possibly a new car
4. The black pair of boots
5. Another massage
6. A gift card to Starbucks
7. Warm weather to return-I HATE the cold
8. I wish I had some hot chocolate from Starbucks right now

Ok, there you have it my crazy eights. Feel free to post this on your blogs as well.

I just wanted to say a big thanks to Jen for my blog make over. I think she did a great job. Jen also added some info about Shawn and also created a little blog button for me. Thank you once again to her!!!

First off I would like to thank everyone for letting me know what my blog looked like throughout the day. It really helped to trouble shoot what was going on with it. I can now say that Jen at Jenieshell's Design Challenge did a great job giving me a blog make over. Jen worked really hard this week to get my blog up and running. She also worked hard tonight to try and figure out why some of us could see it and why others still could not. Lets all give her a huge round of applause for doing such a great job!!!!

Ok now for the doozie. I was originally going to post about something very hurtful that somebody said to me. I thought about it all day today and was going to write about it on my blog. I imagine many of you would be very upset about the event that I was going to tell you about, since I was hurt so deeply. Then as I started writing I stopped myself from writing what I wanted to about the events that unfolded. I don't want this person or people to somehow find my blog on the internet, read about what I have to say and about how hurt I was afterwards. I know this is MY blog and I can say what I want. This is a place for me to express my feelings and emotions. However, at the same time I have to watch out for me, I now have to protect myself. I really can't handle any more pain in my life right now. I don't want this post read by the wrong people and me get hurt even more in the long run about what happened. All I will say is that what happened should have never of occurred and should never have been said to me. I will leave it at that.

Maybe one day in the future when I'm feeling a little braver I will share in detail about what happened and with whom, but for now that is all I can say.

Once again thank you to Jen for my new blog design!

I LOVE it!!!

This is NOT my post for the day (I have a doozie to come later!)

But I was wondering if you can see my completed blog. I can not see the beautiful header or the background when I look at it. I was wondering what you all can see.

When I look at my blog I see a big white space where the header should be, and then were the writing is it is just white with the writing on top of it. Please tell me what you are all seeing, so I can relay the info back to Jen this evening so we (ok mostly her) can try to fix the problem so we can all see the awesome blog makeover.

Thanks!! Have a good day....the doozie will be soon!

I just want to tell you all that my blog is under going some construction. A new blogger friend of mine Jen at http://jenieshell.blogspot.com/ offered to redesign my blog for me. I re-wrote the header, the about me part and wrote a little about Shawn.



I didn't want any of you to think something was 'going on'. Just working on some improvements. Once the page is finished it will look AWESOME!!! I've seen the design in bits and pieces and it will look really great once it is done. Please be patient in the re-design process it will be done shortly. My blog maybe a little "off" until the work is completed.

Once again, thanks for reading!

When I moved back to Midland the lady who works in the flower shop where we got Shawn's flowers for his funeral suggested I get in touch with another lady who lives in Midland who lost her husband a year ago in October. I politely told her no thank you. She just smiled at me and said that if I changed my mind give her a call and she would put us in touch. I didn't feel like I was ready to 'pour' my heart out to somebody that I didn't even know. I figured I had my family, friends and the Coach's so that was enough. I didn't need or want anybody else to help me with this. Or so I thought...

A few weeks later after an emotional day of missing Shawn day curiosity got the best of me and I googled "Sarah Schieber" the name of the lady they suggested I get in touch with. The death of her husband was a very public. I had heard about her husband Chad's death even while in Ohio. I read several newspaper articles about her, Chad and their family last year. Then I found her personal web page (she is a Christian recording artist), her web page for her CD led me to her blog. One word...AMAZING! I found her blog on October 13, 2008. Her blog post for that day was about how Sarah and her children were going to mark the one year anniversary of Chad's death. The rest of her post for that day went on to say how the family spent the day. After reading Sarah's post I cried. I thought to myself that maybe the lady in the flower shop was right and that it would be good for me to get in touch with her. After thinking for only a few seconds I left a comment on her blog. Later that night Sarah emailed me back. A few days later she was having a CD signing at the flower shop and invited me to meet her there.

I will tell you about our friendship after I tell you a little about her husband. Some of you may remember last years marathon in Chicago. Sarah and her husband were running in the marathon. Chad collapsed and died during the marathon on October 7, 2007. Chad was only 35 when he died. He was a Midland Police Officer, and from what I now know of him through Sarah he was a great husband and father to 3 young children.

That first meeting with Sarah happened on the Thursday before I left for my first trip back to Yougstown. I went thinking that I would walk in talk for a few minutes and then leave. I entered the flower shop and asked for Sarah. She was dressed in the cutest outfit, turned around, asked if I was Jenny and gave me the biggest hug. We talked about Chad and Shawn, each of our feelings, the many stages of grief, and what if 'feels' like to be a widow in your early 30's. Little did I know that I would stay and talk for nearly 2 hours. It actually felt 'good' to talk to somebody, my age who unfortunately knew exactly how I was feeling. That was almost a month ago. I'm so glad that I left a comment on her blog, I now know there was a reason for me leaving a post on her blog...I needed that extra support, I needed another friend in my life.

Since then Sarah and I have talked several times. We also have started communicating through emails. I have asked her several questions about what I'm feeling, if it's normal or not to have these feelings. By emailing we have answered questions for each other (Sarah has mostly answered for me), we have gotten to know each other, and we have shared our grief, and talked about what the future holds for a widow each in their early 30's. Sarah and I have decided that we are going to start to 'publish' or emails. Over the next few weeks we will be starting a blog where we will be sharing our emails. Hopefully by doing this we will be able to help other widows who are walking the road of grief as well. As soon as we get it up and running I will link it to my current blog for those who are interested.

Sarah has taught me two important things over our short friendship thus far. One is that I need to 'find' myself. I need to take this time, to not only grieve for Shawn and the baby, but I need to take this time for myself. I will have good days and then horrible days. I will be fine one minute and bawling the next, all of which is perfectly normal. She told me that after you have lived so long with a person your identity kind of becomes 'lost'. She is so right, I was with Shawn for 12 years we started going out when I was 20. I don't know me without him. I need to take the time and figure out 'Who I am'. Gosh what a task!

The second thing that Sarah told me occurred last Friday over coffee at Starbucks. We were talking about each of our future's and what the future may hold for us both. Some how we started talking about falling in love with another man. I'm no where near that, but we talked about it. I told her that the thought of falling in love with another man scares me more than anything else. Sarah is at a much different point in her grief than I am, she has had a year to think about all of this and deal with the many emotions of grief compared to my 12 weeks. At the stage I'm in right now I told her I was scared to fall in love again, whenever it may happen because if I do it would mean that I would love Shawn less. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. As I was telling Sarah this I had tears stream down my face, she was crying as well. She told me this... that when the time comes for love again that I will NEVER EVER love Shawn any less. She told me it is like when a parent has only one child. Parents never think that they can love another child the same way as their first. Then baby number two comes. She said your heart just grows and expands to love that other baby in your life. She told me that is how she envisions falling in love again when she is ready. She will never love Chad less, her heart will just grow and make room for that other person. As she was explaining this to me, the tears were rolling down my face. It made sense to me. What a great way to explain that to somebody who had just lost her husband. It still scares the beejeesies out of me to fall in love again one day, but at least I'm comforted by the way Sarah described it to me. She is a friend who truly understands what I'm going through.

Sarah's blog is http://sarahschieber.blogspot.com/ in case you would like to go and read her blog as well. She writes with great emotion and awesome strength.
Sarah also has another website for her music where she is selling her first CD and her new song "Christmas in Heaven" Sarah is in the process of recording her second CD now. That website is http://www.sarahschieber.com/.

Ok this post is getting very long I'm sure (shocking, mine are always long) but I just wanted to tell you all about my new friendship and what a great person Sarah is.

I admit it I love to shop. I always have and probably always will. I actually don't enjoy it as much as I used to, but then again I seem to visit the mall at least once or twice a week so I can't not be liking it that much! Shawn and I always used to go shopping together almost every Saturday during the off season. It was just something we did to spend time with each other. Sometimes we bought stuff, sometimes not.

Well it seems that in the last almost 12 weeks I have been doing a lot of retail therapy. (It has been 12 weeks today since Shawn died, 84 days) Since I have moved back home I have made a new friend named Sarah (more about Sarah in tomorrow's post) she is 3 years older than me and lost her husband a year ago in October. Sarah told me that after her husband passed away she also experienced retail therapy. She told me shopping made her feel a little bit better. Well at least I'm not the only one.

Over the last 12 weeks I have gotten myself so many things, pretty much if I want it I buy it. I am starting to feel a little guilty, but at the same time I can't seem to stop myself. Here is a brief list of some of the items I've gotten so far

• 2 Cd's
• 5 or 6 shirts. I really needed those, I gave most of my winter clothes away when I thought I was going to be pregnant this winter. So that's justified...right?
• 6 pairs of blue jeans-Two of them I got the week I moved back, since then I've lost a ton of weight, so I had to get more. I admit I love blue jeans. I got the most awesome pair when Meg was here.
• 1 pair of brown leather high heel boots, I'm seriously thinking about going back for the black pair
• 3 pairs of yoga pants, again none of mine from last year come close to fitting.
• I also decided I had to get my nails done. That's $30 a pop, 2 times a month. But they make my hands look so nice and I love the clicky sound they make on my keyboard!
• Oh ya, I just ordered the today's special value on QVC on Saturday...it was a set of 10 Bare Essentials make up. I love that stuff!! It was a set of 10 items for $40.00, can't pass that up.
• 2 or 3 books to read
• 4 picture frames
• Lotion from Victoria's Secret
• 2 leather purses
• And I can't forget about Bo. He was for sure the most expensive thing I have gotten so far, but dang is he cute. (I'll post more pics of him soon. He is getting big)
• Also about 100 trips to Starbucks. I love their Peppermint Hot Chocolate!

Seriously I need to stop! I'm going to start running out of money soon. I guess the only really good thing is that everything I have gotten has been on sale. I'm a great sale shopper. Well the awesome pair of jeans weren't on sale but three different people not including Meg told me that they looked great on, so I had to get them.

Man now after looking at the long list I really do need to stop buying for me. Christmas is right around the corner I need to start buying for other people. Tis the season!

I would take EVERYTHING back that I have gotten for myself, if it meant I could have Shawn back with me for even just one minute. I would take EVERYTHING back if I could hug and kiss him just one more time.

I will write more soon. I think tomorrows post I'm going to write about my new friend Sarah.

For this post I thought I'd share about the great week that I spent with one of my best friends Meg. Meg and I met at Northern Michigan University where we were both going to school. Our majors are the same so we quickly started spending time together. We had almost all of our classes the same, hung out, ate, exercised, talked about everything, and of course shopped all the time. I tell ya, her and I can find some killer deals on clothes on our shopping trips. Once we both got a pair of Tommy jeans originally priced for $75.00 but we each paid only $5.00 for them. We have also been known to have some killer long phone conversations...like hours or more. It used to drive both of our husbands nuts. O-well, we have a lot to talk about.

Meg is totally opposite of me, she is much calmer now that she has a cute little family but back in the day at school, she was a little on the wild side. I however was a bit more calm. Meg tried and tried to break me out of my shell. I admit one night she did win, we went to several bars that night, and I had WAY more to drink than I normally have, but in the end we had a great time. Since then we have both grown up. I was married when I met her, but she was not. Megan graduated one semester before me. That last semester I was so lonely up there without her. We talked multiple times a day.

The last time Meg and I actually saw each other was almost 5 years ago. I was in her wedding, but that was right when we were going to be moving and had no money, so I couldn't attend. In those 5 years of not seeing each other I don't think we have ever gone longer than 3 or 4 days with out talking. We always pick right up where we left off last time. Since our friendship started we have gone through, two pregnancies (hers and 8 weeks of mine), one wedding, a few fights with husbands, a few arguments with our families, and the death of Shawn. We have always been there for each other and I know we will always continue to be there for each other.

While Meg and Logan were here this week we pretty much just hung out and talked. We went out to lunch every day and also shopped everyday. Megan said I need to update my look, so we had to go shopping. It was so great just to hang out together and talk in person. We also went to the cemetery. Shawn and Megan were pretty close as well. There were many times when Meg would call to talk to me, Shawn would answer and spend the whole time on the phone with her. The day we went was the morning that they put in the headstone. I'm so glad that Megan was able to see the stone. I think it meant a lot for her to see it. On her last day in town we went to Pizza Hut for lunch. We started off with just silly conversation but then it quickly turned to Shawn. We must have looked very strange, two women with a baby sitting at their table, pizza in front of them with tears streaming down both faces. We talked about several different memories that we each had of Shawn. Until that moment, we had talked about Shawn, but hadn't "really talked". We finished our lunch went to the mall, and on the way home stopped at the cemetery. On the drive back home we talked some more about Shawn with more tears. I think it was good for both of us to talk about Shawn that way. Megan told me how much she misses him too. After all Shawn was her friend too. She also told me how much she hurts for me because she knows I lost my best friend and my husband. It is so great to have a girlfriend like Meg. I have so many great friends in my life right now. I wouldn't be able to get through this without them all.

The pictures that follow are some random pictures that we took. Most of them are of me and Logan. Meg wanted to take lots of pictures of the two of us to put in Logan's room. When she got home she was talking to her husband about me, she said that every time she said my name Logan would look around for me. Can we say so sweet!
Logan and I were telling secrets in this picture.

First off all I want you all to note the new picture on the side of my blog. It is the last picture I have of Shawn. It was taken on Media Day at YSU just 6 days before he died. This is also the picture that YSU has on their football page. For those of you who think Shawn looks like a bad ass here is why. He hated to have his picture taken, he hated it even more when it was to be used to go out in the media guide for the team. If you look at the pictures of the coach's very few of them ever smile. Shawn did smile, just not for the camera, he smiled for me when I wanted or needed a good picture of us. I still wanted to put this picture on the side of by blog as a tribute to him. I have decided to KEEP the name of my blog, this will still be a blog where I talk about my life, and the life the two of us had together and plus there is Bo. Over the next few weeks I will probably be changing the header and profile on my blog, but I will always keep this picture on it. Now I can see him everyday!

On a lighter note when I started this blog earlier this spring I had no idea that this many people would be reading about my life on my blog. I most definitely didn't think that I would ever be given one blog award let alone two of them. Well, to my surprise over the last few weeks I have been given 2 blog awards. Oh my!! I want to thank EVERYONE who reads my blog. It means a great deal to me to be able to share my life with so many people. I never would have dreamed in a million years I would meet so many great people in the blogger world who would help me through the most difficult time in my life. I must say I LOVE blogging and I love reading your blogs as well! I also feel that over the last 12 weeks being able to blog has helped me with many of the emotions I have been feeling. I'm sorry I'm addressing both of these blogs in the same post, but I just now figured out how to add them to my sidebar and also just figured out how to link things between blogs. (Shawn used to help me with all the techy stuff of blogging)


I first need to thank Liz at http://www.thecrazylifeofamomof4boys.blogspot.com/ for giving me the I'm Lovin Your Blog Award. Thank you so much!!! The exciting part of this is that I get to give out the award as well. See details underneath the pretty picture. For those of you I am giving the award to here are "The Rules"
1. Name 5 things that you love.
2. Pass along the award to the blogs you love.
3. Please link back to my blog.

Five Things I Love:
1. My Family
2. My Friends
3. Reading
4. Watching college football (UofM, YSU)
5. Watching Jon and Kate Plus 8

Now I get to give this award to somebody I'm picking.....Sara at: http://lifegoeson-mylife.blogspot.com/. Sara has been through a lot this year as well, she writes well, shares her feelings and always has the cutest blog!


My second blogger award was given to me today by Kristen at: http://toddandkristin.blogspot.com/. Thank you Kristen for my award!!

Now it's time for YOU to share this award with blogs you love to read!

Here are the Rules:

1. The winner can put the logo on his/her blog.
2. Link the person from whom you received your award.
3. Nominate at least seven other blogs
4. Put links of those blogs on yours, and
5. Leave a message on the blogs that you've nominated!

I'm awarding the I Love Your Blog award to...

1. http://thewonderfulworldofjayme.blogspot.com/
2. http://happymayhem.blogspot.com/
3.http://thenewlifeofnancy.blogspot.com/
4.http://faithedona.blogspot.com/
5.http://keepingupwiththeschultzfamily.blogspot.com/
6.http://to-a-t.blogspot.com/
7. http://preachmanswife.blogspot.com/2008/11/so-far.html

Ok I'm very sure that this is going to show up as one very very long post. I just want to say thank you for everyone who reads my blog, I really appreciate it and also congrats to everyone who received an award from me tonight!

Talk more soon!