| how can we stop | ||
 | taken from thegreatsze:I just want to be ... away. From here. From this place that doesn't feel quite real, this place that promises a perfection that we don't know we want. We have no mountains or lakes, no spaces or views. We have nothing to remind us of our mere humanity; nothing to remind us of our place in the universe. Our art is uninspired, our songs like our terrain. We do not know beauty, and we know not to treasure the transient. We cannot recognize what we do not have, and only what we do have is good and righteous. i don't particularly agree with him regarding the point that we recognize what we have as good and righteous. but otherwise, it's objectively real. and i feel the same. this was me last year around the same time, in japan. i feel at least 10 years older now. i have dance and random interesting sessions with new friends around school to look forward to, but this is not about happiness and fulfillment. i'm very tired, and i don't think that feeling's going to disappear anytime soon. Labels: spirit |
9.8.07 (0)
| "I Just Live Here." | ||
 | i think that conveniently summarises what national day means to me - a reminder of widening income disparity, the surrender of freedoms and a loss of patriotism. (image stolen from martyn see's national day tribute) |
5.8.07 (0)
| of men | ||
 | upon zixu's unusual request, we seem to have fastforwarded time to the once-prophesied gathering 10 years down the road. we sit/stand around tables telling the same recycled jokes - of onceuponatime classmates and literature teachers - that we never seem to get sick of. it's interesting that i wouldn't go on to announce, at some future wedding or funeral, that these are the folks who have shaped me into what i've become, because it would be a lie. nobody could have imagined we would have turned out so differently; that peiyi is doing capoeira and i am venturing into contemporary dance, zixu in archi and haogen in law, mikail and liankiat signing on with the army, dennis and shawn caught up in the pursuit of and yet, we have so much in common. i can pick anyone from this disorderly congregation (except one who seems to have dissolved into the crevices of time), sit them down and get appropriate thoughtful responses for deeper topics; something i can never accomplish with say, my friends from jc, who are probably the ones who have changed me the most. after i boarded the bus bound for home and left dennis at the bus stop, i vaguely recalled a rivalry/hatred going on between us for a while, back in the days of the khaki-coloured shorts. but i forget what it was about and shrugged the thought off. it wasn't important anymore. because now, we look only towards the future. |
2.8.07 (0)
| half a door closed | ||
 | thank you shawn for the plug and compliment(?) but unfortunately, i find the embracing of my inner yun a highly inappropriate personality trait, as much as it is a rare commodity that needs to be salvaged in this commercial marketplace we call our world. after all, our feelings do not earn us food. in recent times, my aspirations have been diverted from a very finance-based career to a clear, unmistakable question mark. unlike shawn or dennis, who are steadfast in the attainment of their goals, i am becoming doubtful of this initial hyped foray into the world of money. my unhurried reading of Malkiel's A Random Walk Down Wall Street has finally led me to the chapter where he quotes JP Morgan saying "sell down to the sleeping point" in reply to a friend soliciting advice upon the destiny of his portfolio. and well, i was thinking, shouldn't we scale down our future careers to one in which we can sleep and eat in peace too? i am sorry i wavered. Labels: spirit |
8.7.07 (0)
| we end today on this note | ||
 | October knew, of course, that the action of turning a page, of ending a chapter or of shutting a book, did not end a tale. having finally finished reading Neil Gaiman's The Sandman, clearing all the temporary cardboard boxes from my room and having my first school camp commencing on tuesday, i feel an odd sense of closure. despite still having many tasks to complete and currently-nonexistent goals to set and attain, it feels as though my trials and tribulations from not having my abilities recognised are over, though not solved. and i'm moving on. (my schedule for the next few weeks as follows: 10/7 - 12/7: Bondue Camp 14/7 - 18/7: Taiwan 20/7 - 22/7: Freshman Team-Building Camp) |
2.7.07 (0)
| 留下什么，我们就变成什么样的大人。 | ||
| over dessert last night, i frantically tried to recall the theme song for the film 蓝色大门, and the music video which i waited aimlessly for, everyday in the summer of 2002, for a beautiful face, and a beautiful song. it was my final year in high school; it was the year when it felt like nothing was ever going to change; when a class of 16 boys in khaki-coloured shorts ruled the room oversized for 17. and we forged friendships that we couldn't have known would last forever, or for some, dissipate right after graduation. at that time, it really didn't matter. and then, disaster struck. our social circles enlarged. i like what he says with regards to entwining our lives with friends and lovers, about how people evolve and how lives change. taken out of context, but still as poignant: 仔細想想，真的，我們留下了好多、好多。「那些留下的東西」，也許是對方與家人互動時的真誠自然，也許是先洗頭再洗身體的洗澡公式，也許是大方的金錢觀念，也許是使用麥可喬丹二代香水、雅虎奇摩即時通的習慣。它們看來微不足道，也不值錢；然而，就是因為它們，我們才能成為現在的我們，我們才能比尚未遇到他們之前的我們擁有更豐富、更盈滿的生命。於是，誰說我們什麼「東西」都沒有留下來呢？《藍色大門》片尾，懷著對未來與自我的想望，孟克柔自問：「四、五年後，甚至更久、更久以後，我們會變成什麼樣的大人呢？是體育老師，還是我媽，還是……？」而答案，也許就在與我們的生命衝擊碰撞出火花的那些人身上…… |
24.6.07 (0)
| dual standards | ||
 | it is in times like these that i feel i'm not good enough. Labels: spirit |
17.6.07 (0)
| life is not an rpg | ||
 | i had a sudden revelation right before sleep caught up - the more effort we take into planning the future, the more likely everything breaks down premature. (i decided to settle for a timid dialga) Labels: spirit |
17.6.07 (0)
| preludes to nocturnes | ||
 | it is with great displeasure that i introduce the moments in life with the highest aspirin requirements: the turning points. i have quit my job, have no particular focus in life, yet to finish half of my book (which is due 2 days from now, effectively 1 because i'll be out tomorrow), stuck on mt coronet trying to catch a modest dialga, have no particular focus in virtual life and waiting for the school matriculation/camps to commence. and oliver turned 21. it is in these non-moments, in which nothing ever happens but the clock continues ticking, i feel so distressed. i start wondering what the big fuss is, over the lack of places in local universities (and i link to mrwang, because it's a free site and he tries to be objective, although in recent posts has failed to do so, but he is not to be faulted because we live in a country that breaks hearts), and i ponder upon what my driving instructor has to say about foreign 'talent'. but everyone misses my point: that we should begin increasing the value of bursaries and cutting taxpayer contributions to scholarships. you can tell i don't really care about climate change. until it successfully deteriorates my social behaviour. yet, that ceases to matter when i feel disconnected enough to feel alright about leaving people behind. i remember a middle-aged man and woman whom, clearly evident from the accessories and fashion-sense they carry with such slack ignorance, have gone through their early years as the stereotypical lian and beng of yesteryear singapore. and i remember feeling thankful for my mom being a university graduate. on the way to chong's last night, i watched a girl with down's syndrome - dressed so fashionably, like a doll - weep silently on the bus, on her way home, doting parents by her side. and my heart bleeds, lost. i read a bit of sandman this morning while waiting for chong and oliver to wake up, and i was hit by the realisation of how fleeting everything really is. From the darkness I hear the beating of mighty wings... Labels: spirit |
27.5.07 (0)
| future sight | ||
 | with my life technically more complete now that i'm moving on from my job and continuing the pursuit of a driver's license and a membership to indancity, i'm having a pseudo- mid-life crisis.
the point is that i'm happy, but obviously not satisfied and content now. but i'm taking tiny steps:
Labels: spirit |
11.5.07 (0)
| Nothin' Like The Summer | ||
| i don't know who carmen rasmusen is, having not watched season 2 of american idol, but that doesn't matter; she didn't win. but there's something in her new single that makes it one of those endearing tracks that you cannot shake off for a while. i'm confused though, if it is reminiscent of the times back when i didn't have a care in the world or a mocking of the moments in life i never had. i get amnesia sometimes. |
6.5.07 (1)
| maybe it's not just about the first time | ||
 | 「一起回家」这四个字，不管在哪个生命历程，都有很浪漫的意义。 「一起」代表这件事一个人无法独立完成， 「回家」意味这背后的温馨情愫。 第一次与你一起回家的人，你一辈子都不可能忘记。 取自 九把刀《那些年/我们一起追过的女孩》 Labels: literature, spirit |
18.4.07 (0)
| shiny happy people | ||
 | i've learnt that when you begin to accept reality in its entirety, it ceases to matter anymore. |
16.4.07 (0)
| live | ||
 | For anyone who's ever broken up with anyone else unlike the narrator, i've never went camping in a business suit and a tie, nor raised geese, nor found myself burying stolen steroids and getting lost in the desert. and i certainly didn't have a sister who disappeared. the most exxxtreme thing that ever happened was my grandmother beating my maid-cum-childhoodplaymate with my teenage mutant ninja turtle sword. some legal action was taken and she returned to philippines, but i was too young to remember anything. And if we were to collect these small moments in a notebook and save them over a period of months we would see certain trends emerge from our collection - certain voices would emerge that have been trying to speak through us. We would realize that we have been having another life altogether, one we didn't even know was going on inside us. And maybe this other life is more important than the one we thnk of as being real - this clunky day-to-day world of furniture and noise and metal. So just maybe it is these small silent moments which are the true story-making events of our lives. and shawn's right. sometimes we get too absorbed in this ministerial heirachy nonsense and scholarship rejections that we lose track of the true sense of proportion. and as kenny was preaching to me yesterday, maybe we don't need anything at all. maybe all we need is water and food. and some amount of happiness. Sometimes I think the people to feel the saddest for are people who are unable to connect with the profound - people such as my boring brother-in-law, a hearty type so concerned with normality and fitting in that he eliminates any possibility of uniqueness for himself and his own personality. I wonder if some day, when he is older, he will wake up and the deeper part of him will realize that he has never allowed himself to truly exist, and he will cry with regret and shame and grief. i think i need to do something like this. anyone else up for some random insanity you'll probably regret for the rest of your life? Why is it so hard to quickly sum up all of those things that we have learned while being alive here on Earth? Why can't I just tell you, "In ten minutes you are going to be hit by a bus, and so in those ten minutes you must quickly itemize what you have learned from being alive." Labels: literature, spirit |
13.4.07 (1)
| you don't know me at all | ||
 | honestly, this is one of those interviews where you walk out with a breath of relief, knowing that they're not going to contact you anymore. it was brutal. firstly, there's the old fogey who said, "i see from your records that you're not in OCS so you must have no leadership potential." those were his exact words, mind you. i'm not overstating anything. the panel smirked when i told them about my job as a ride operator and then laughed at my ambition to open a cafe. i'm not sure if i'm glad i went for this interview. but thanks to the experience with the accountant-general and her cronies, i've finally come to decide that i'm not suited for a role in the public sector, even with the dramatic pay rises. people who do not appreciate doing things for no pragmatic, economic value are not worth working for. this is not for me. toodles. |
31.3.07 (0)
| far away is overrated | ||
 | (absurdly random rememberance of a thought composed last year) there are times when you have been out of the country for 2 weeks or more and then return, expecting everything to change, but everything's still the same. ironically, occasionally after having spent a week in camp, you return to civilisation, expecting nothing to change, but you realise people and places you don't recognise anymore. Labels: spirit |
18.3.07 (0)
| bus 93 to eunos | ||
 | sad sad again. (refer: 7.3.7 entry) Labels: spirit |
13.3.07 (0)
| why do you do what you do? | ||
 | because i don't think i'm going to die tomorrow (link) |
7.3.07 (0)
| it's a sad sad world | ||
 | there are certain people i can't help but pity, and the list includes this middle-aged lady who lives in the same block. she is bony, hunched, bucktoothed, and constantly has an injury to her left heel. i suspect she works odd hours at a factory and earns minimal wage because i see her returning late at night most of the time, dressed in the same uniform(?). i've never seen her dressed in anything else. worst of all, she has a daughter in primary school who looks exactly like her. i don't know how people survive. (there is, therefore, a strong advocation to help people around us before we embark on socio-politically correct overseas community involvement projects. contrary to popular belief, singaporeans need help too.) Labels: spirit |
5.3.07 (0)
| grey's s02e19 | ||
 | narration: i've heard that it's possible to grow up. i've just never met anyone who's actually done it. without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. we throw tantrums when things don't go our way. we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark. we look for comfort where we can find it. like children, we never give up hope. camera cuts to meredith in her room at night, lights off, looking out of the window. knocking on door. meredith: (sighs) come in. george enters, walks carefully up to meredith. george: i know i'm not a world renown surgeon, and i know i'm not a lot of things you've gone for in the past. i know. but i would never leave you. i would never hurt you. and i will never stop loving you. sometimes i think i cry because of a knowing, a knowing that i'll never be able to feel that way. i cry not because it's sad or pitiful, but because of all the love i've missed out on. |
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yunfei, male. born 16 oct 1986. unfucked, unloved, unknown. |