The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

1. Over 100, 000 Americans have just signed a petition to have Justin Beiber kicked out of the US. That action deserves a round of applause. True, there's been the odd occasion I've thought Americans were all bonkers (Eat Pray Love, election of George Bush Jnr, Kindegarten Cop) now I know they're not. Hurrah.

2 Lots of Americans wear really big hats and I like hats. I especially like those ten-gallon hats cowboys wear. I also like the hat Huggy Bear wears in Starksy and Hutch. Cool.

3. I like Americans' style. Even though Americans blow each other's heads off with guns they still manage to justify their gun policy on the grounds of personal safety. In England we call that irony. In the US they call it logic. As I said, I like their style.

4. Americans spell words wrongly. I've got used to it. In fact, I find it rather cute. It reminds me of when I was at school at the teacher would look at me fondly and say "Well done, Jane. That was a really good attempt."

I was 5 years old at the time.

5. Lots of Americans read my blog for which I am truly grateful. I'm sure they are picking up lots of tips on how to behave when they come to the UK . We love Americans over here. And, if they can wear a ten gallon hat and a (plastic) pistol around their waists, we'll love them a whole lot more. Alternatively, some Americans might want to experience what it is like being English and get into some role playing by eating cucumber sandwiches and talking posh like Mrs T. For this  they will need to wear a bonnet and pantaloons to get "in the mood".

I will meet them at the airport. With the customs officials.

6. The American and English nations have a lot in common.  For example, we both have "Tea Parties." To be truthful, I think our English tea parties are a lot more fun as these involve our obligatory cucumber sandwiches, sponge cake and in-depth discussions of Winnie the Pooh. As far as I can see American tea parties just consists of a whole bunch of fruitcakes.

7. Walt Disney was American and I love Disney movies. This could change of course but, luckily, I haven't yet seen Miley Cyrus in Hannah Montana - The Movie.

8. Seth MacFarlane is American. If I was single I'd probably want to marry him as he makes me laugh so much. The only trouble is I think I am actually more attracted to his dog. It's the woof that does it.

9. Americans voted in Ronald and Nancy Reagan as their President and First Lady which took some balls as, generally speaking, most film actors don't know what reality is. Admittedly, most Americans probably didn't know that Ronald told Shirley Maclaine that he was directed to go into politics by an alien who had stopped him on his way to a Hollywood party - but, nevertheless, I still say it was a courageous decision. I am currently trying to persuade Posh and Becks to go into politics. Who wouldn't want to see Becks giving a speech outside no 10?

"Ummm. We've scored a bit of a home goal with this...un..ah.... immigration policy......... Anyone want to play footie?"

I hope he's wears his Calvin Klein underpants.

10. Americans can be very forgiving, generous and kind. I know this from my writer's group which has a lot of Americans in it. They are quite tolerant of my sense of humour really. I'm not sure why - maybe it's something to do with the fact that they I think I'm related to Mrs Thatcher and they all secretly fancied her. What d'you reckon?

Apparently, actress Shirley MacLaine is eager to share her knowledge of aliens with Hilary Clinton. Shirley has seen a lot of aliens and on one occasion one of her friends actually saw three alien spaceships hovering over Shirley's outdoor hot tub. Also, according to Shirley, Ronald Reagan confided in her that on the way to a Hollywood Party he and Nancy were stopped by an alien space ship and an extraterrestrial being emerged and told Ronald to change careers and take up politics.

Random Thoughts:

1) I suspect Ronald Reagan was actually on his way back from the Hollywood party.

2) Nancy looked a bit alien at the best of times. After a bottle of champers and seven Martinis Ronald probably got a bit confused.

3) Lots of people see strange lights over their hot tubs. I have even see strange lights over my indoor bath. It has nothing to do with aliens and has a lot to do with a) alcohol b) overdosing on perfume bath salts or c) Christmas decorations.

4) I once saw a strange light. It was when I replaced the bulb in my oven.

5) My sister-in-law is an alien. I would prefer it if she was just alien to me.

6) Aliens have probably been secretly backing the Presidents of the United States. This is very worrying. I would rather they were backing Warner Brothers.

7) I have a friend who also got stopped by an alien craft on his way to a party; he spent 24 hours in police custody.

8) Shirley MacLaine is a Hollywood Superstar. She is also 78 years old. Enough said.

9) Solar lighting is the cause of a lot of calls to the emergency services.

10) Some people say my humour is alien to them. I say: "Why are you green and wearing tinfoil?"

Hollywood Celebs you gotta love 'em. I can't wait to hear what Kim Kardashian believes in -probably that fluffy squirrels are drilling their way to the centre of the earth. Oh well - I believe that one day I will be a good cook.

Everyone has to dream.