The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Gosh, can you believe it but this year I will be travelling abroad for the first time since 1973!

Of course back then I was barely out of my nappies (ho hum) but I still remember the signifcant points - the rooftop swimming pool, the attractive waiter who kept tickling my feet when he delivered the morning croissants, my little red suitcase (which I've still got), eating soul (the fish) almost every evening, pulling the emergency cord in the bathroom cos I thought it was the light switch and when the air hostess asked my nan if she wanted any toilette water piping up "Pooh, that must stink!"

Yep, the sense of humour hasn't got any better.

Anyway, before I carry on something completely random has just popped into my mind -Apparently Brad Pitt has been dispensing his wisdom on internet dating. Now I don't want to be rude - but I'm a little sceptical that Brad has had a lot of experience in internet dating. Cos his advice is bonkers;

"Everyone lies online. In fact, readers expect you to lie. If you don't, they'll think you make less than you actually do. So the only way to tell the truth is to lie."

( By the way Brad's talking about income - just in case you thought he was talking about flatulence.)

Now, I don't know about you but I smell something funny in the air! Is that some sort of double bluff ? Boy, I'm so confused! Anyway it leaves me with a problem - cos I earn nothing which means I must be hideously unattractive to the opposite sex and I'm just no good at lying even on the net. I mean when have I ever lied to you folks? You know I always tell the truth. ( Okay that's a double bluff which means I'm actually telling a lie but you know it's a lie -so therefore it must be the truth!)

Hmm.... maybe this Brad thing actually works. I think I'm getting the hang of it! Well I think so... So in order for men to find me attractive I have to tell them I look like Demi Moore, have an arse like Jennifer Lopez, legs like Steffi Graf and a sense of humour like Joan Rivers and then they'll believe me right? Right??

Hmm, maybe not the legs then? Perhaps the face?

Maybe on the humor bit then? But funnier?? Oh come on...say "Yes!" I ain't got much else going for me, make an old girl feel happy will you?

Right, where was I? Ah yes, just filling in this internet dating form...

Name; A n g e l i n a J o l i e

Oh alright, I'll finish it later...

By the way before I continue, ( sorry, I've got distracted again) I just want to dispense some advice;

It is not a good idea to paint the gates on your property the colour green. This is because some people will think the gates are actually grass and will reverse into them.

Now make of that what you will. Genuine advice or not?? Leave me a comment - the correct and/ or most funniest answer gets access to my private blog. ( How I caught Brad (by His Balls) by A. Jolie Housewife.)

Right, back to the holiday stuff. Anyway, I'm so excited to be going abroad this year! Especially as yesterday my passport arrived and I was sort of expecting it to be declined. How so? Isn't Mrs T the genuine article? Is she a fake? Is she really Angelina Jolie masquerading as a dowdy downtrodden housewife? Maybe she is neither! Maybe she is actually a completely fabricated ruse by the secret service in order to create mayhem and disorder in the home counties by hatching a plot to raise an army of housewives, march on Westminster, overthrow Gordon Brown and restore order and stability to the country!

Or maybe Mrs T just had a memory problem when she went for her interview?

Maybe Mrs T couldn't remember her mobile telephone number.

Maybe Mrs T couldn't remember her mother's place of birth.

Maybe Mrs T couldn't remember the age of her witness.

Maybe Mrs T confidently replied she had NOT received her documents back but on her return home discovered they had in fact arrived and that her beloved had filed them away without notifying his wife.

And

Maybe Mrs T's teenage son, who was in the next compartment, was confidently forgetting just about everything he ever knew - including how to write his signature.

Hmm. I'm thinking that the folks at the passport office thought it was a double bluff and therefore I must be the genuine Mrs T ! It's the only reason that explains why, as yet, I haven't been carted away by MI5 to one of those dark lonely rooms where hooded men with stockings over their heads torture you with images of iced buns and chocolate eclairs until you surrender all your intimate details.

Damn, foiled again.

Anyway I'm off on my hols but not just yet. You've got to suffer me a few weeks longer! In the meantine I've got some packing to do.

Oh yes, and a bit of form fillling and then I'm off......