Michelle's path

February 4, 2008 we had 2 perfect embryos transfered into their home, my uterus.

We got pregnant. Miscarried for the 2nd time. This was devastating. Thousands of dollars later, 5 years later, so much time, energy, effort, thought, emotion, love, anxiety, excitement, disappointment, so much heartbreak and heart happiness. So much up and down on the roller coaster.

I would never go back to this time in my life. Never. However I am thankful for it. I wouldn't be who I am today without it. I wouldn't be the mother I am today without it.

I wouldn't have these 2 babies I have now without this time in my life. Because it was all with PERFECT timing.

EXACTLY TWO YEARS LATER, February 4, 2010 Caden John Alessi was born.

Stunning huh?

It was meant to be.

April 24 - May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. As you play with your kids today, or tuck them into bed tonight, please take a minute to empathize with the millions of couples out there struggling to achieve what you have. I know this struggle all to well. If you or someone you love is affected by infertility, please post this in your status on FB, or Myspace, or in your blog, this week to show your support.

So if you're looking to get inside the head of us infertiles - here you go!

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Tammy and Mark

Im so sorry. Im heartbroken as I know you are. I dont know what to say. I dont know what to do. I want to send you something in the mail but nothing will do justice for the pain you are going through. Im speechless and just as you are, Im angry this didn't work and I really dont understand it.

Please click on Tammy and Mark's name above, go to their blog, and please send them your best wishes.

Those lost their donor embryo babies. On Tammy's birthday.

Well, I guess more people missed me than I thought would. I apologize. Nick come home, had 3 weeks off work so we stayed busy with him. Then I got lazy...then I lost my desire for blogging. I was feeling down for a little bit. But Im good...I will try to get back at this.

A couple weeks ago I found out that our Birth Mom is pregnant again. I wont post exactly how I feel on here since I dont know who is reading, but as you can imagine it opens up some old wounds for me. We wont be adopting this baby so it brings back old feelings. Old feelings of, "How can she get pregnant and I cant?" She is 20 and on her third pregnancy...and I cant get and stay pregnant once without spending thousands of dollars. Its Not Fair.

Anyways, I dont want to start blogging back up on a depressing note...so I will start with this video of Kayla...Please enjoy!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-dy_pxKcB8

Why couldn't I detect ovulation this easily when we were trying to conceive with IUI's at home?

As I sit on the couch tonight watching tv, I KNOW Im ovualting.

From the left side.

Must be one good egg.

It hurts!

If only I knew someone who was willing to give up the goods!

I would totally make another baby for us.

I don't feel like this family is complete.

This feeling gets stronger and stronger every day.

Part of me wants that feeling to go away.

I don't want to go through it all over again.

But what do you do? You cant ignore your hearts desires.

Can you?

This came from Tammy's blog. I read it, and it brought back so many memories of what I went through. Seems like forever and day ago...and at the same time the emotions I felt seems just like yesterday.

The following is for all my infertility friends...this is something we all can relate too...

This award is for all the infertility women out there who have experienced all or some of the following.....



* If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs
* If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand
* If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy
* If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you
* If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen
* If you know what a cootercam is
* If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry
* If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try
* If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "your still young"
* If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family
* If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with
* If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours
* If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section
* If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only
* If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby
* If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"
* If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in
* If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"
* If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant
* If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC
* If you know what an RE is
* If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper
* If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "What is she doing in there?"
* If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any
* If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case
* If you can't wait to see the peak symbol
* If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns
* If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex
* If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant
* If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up about your situation and to have faith!!!!!!


Rules for posting award:

Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"

Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

Here are my nominations:
1. Tammy and Mark
2.Michele
3.Deena- whom no longer does blogging but I think of her daily.
4.Tracey- who has been through more than she should have ever had to.

Ok...whoever has me cursed...you win. Will you un-curse me now, please? Please?
Today I broke my favorite lamp. RIP lamp.

From ever since I can remember, like 9 years old maybe younger Mariah Carey has always been my favorite singer. I even remember teaching my baby sister when she was only 2 years old and I was 12, the words to Mariah's songs. 'Always be my baby' was her favorite. I even got her signing on video to that song. It was the cutest thing ever. Mariah has an amazing voice and I have never heard anyone come as close to her voice in my ears' opinion. One of her album covers and a song referred to butterflies. The album was even called 'Butterfly'. ( I will post that song sometime ) Before Nick and I were even engaged, I used to picture him being like a butterfly. I knew I had to let him go and if he flew back to me, I would know it was meant to be. And he did.

Just about every single one of her songs, I can relate to. Espically this one, espically this past week.

Mariah Carey - Through The Rain


When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you're distraught and in pain
Without anyone
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's ok
Won't you say


I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain


And if you keep falling down
Don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need
To prevail
Won't you say


I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain


And when the wind blows
And shadows grow close
Don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you
You'll never pull through
Don't hesitate
Stand tall and say


I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain


I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You're gonna make it through the...
Rain...

Here is the video. Its a beautiful song.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=EetzQsoiknE

6 years ago today, Nick and I got engaged. 8 years after knowing each other, we are still a childless couple.



There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes,. I will be a wonderful mother, someday.

What kind of wife am I, to come home from work on my husband's birthday and tell him that my period started and I am not pregnant?
What kind of wife am I that on my husband's birthday, I make him curl up into a ball, hide under a snowman pillow, and cry his eyes out in pain, for yet another fatherhood dream shattered?
What have I done wrong to get this kind of life?
What kind of person am I that God is making me be this kind of wife?
Why cant we be parents as easily as those all around us? Will we not be good enough? Are we being punished for something? What have we done to deserve so much pain and heartache in our lives? Why cant God just take away the desire and ease it all? Or better yet, let us accomplish the greatest thing in life.

Some of you know, some of you dont, that Nick and I went through another IUI 2 weeks ago. It was out last attempt before moving onto IVF, and today we were proved that it didnt work. We did 3 vials, perfect timing. Obviously, to God, not the perfect time. And I dont and cant and wont understand.

Tomorrow I call the IVF clinic and put thousands of $ on the credit card, and just hope and pray we are able to make the monthly payments, and hope and pray that the monthly payments we struggle to make will be worth it.

Tomorrow I will start my birth control pills to supress my ovaries from making any more eggs until it's time.

And hopefully soon we get our baseline appointments, a time line of everything that is going to happen.

Everyone, please pray for us that God will ease our pain tonight, and for the next how ever many nights it takes.

Thank you for the support.

Something to ponder...

We TTC'ers are a whole other race of people. We are different, hopefully only temporarily. In this I mean, we laugh different. It's a genuine laugh but something is missing. We feel guilt different, hurt different and feel sadness and sorrow on a whole new level, and bruise 1,000 times more easily. We cry different. Our tears are more salty and warmer and more times then others come without notice or warning and are more steady. Quite often, our ribs feel like they got a beaten. We dream different, we want different, we live different, wish, and think different. We ache different, our anger is different. We envy and get jealous. We have understandings of different things and we don't understand most things while we believe in other things and question most things. We have different friendships with other TTC'ers, a very special bond that some may never know. We give support to friends differently. We have different relationships with our spouse compared to "normal couples", in ways that some people might envy. Sometimes I feel that we love differently. We have different strengths and at the same time are very week and sensitive about different things. We struggle to fall asleep sometimes because the pain is overbearing. We pray and hope different. We are happy in a different way. We are STRONG in a way that "normal" people cant see.
And we feel this way 24/7 and ALL AT ONCE.

Is it all of us TTC'ers....or is it just me? My fellow TTC blogger friends...tell me how you feel and let me know I'm not the only one. Now that I got that out, maybe I can sleep.

I just wanted to update and tell you all that I finally did get that call back from Walter Reed today. They did recieve all my preliminary workup papers from the fax and I should be getting a call around Monday!!!!!!!! If things keep progressing this fast then we should be able to make the IVF cycle in January. Just keep up the prayers everyone!!

And thank Tracy (sirfranklin) for sharing this prayer with me. I want to share it here on my blog in hopes that it might help some other people.

In the Face of Fertility Challenges


Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.

Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.

Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.

Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.

Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!

I know, Ive already posted for today, but I found this...

When do I stop?
When do I realize it's enough?
Why does it have to be me
who has it so tough?
There are many out there
who are evil and perverse.
Yet do You burden them
with an infertility curse?
A 16 year old delivers
a healthy baby boy
then throws him in the garbage
like some old broken toy.
A drug addict
has 3 beautiful little ones
and beats them black and blue
for nothing they have done.
A worn-out woman
with already more than she can bear
sighs dissapointedly
when she sees two lines are there.
God give me one,
just oneto cherish all my days
And I promise that to You I'll give
all glory, credit and praise.
Make it stop
this intense longing and fear.
Please give me a child
that I can hold near!
By Stephanie Marottek9/25/01..

Pleading with God
God please take this desire
and do with it what You will.
If it is in Your Plan,
then let me trust and be still.
But if Your plan for me
is not in tune with my desire,
then calm this longing in me
and re-direct my fire.
You alone know
how desperately I cry at night
and pray every day
for some sign that it might be right.
I want to trust in You
for You know what is best for me,
but if my thoughts are wanting something
that is not ever to be,
Then God please take this desire
Take the longing from my home,
and help to accept it
and live my life for You alone.
Stephanie MarottekFebruary 3, 2004

More poems to come..