Michelle's path

Today 1 year ago I started bleeding from miscarriage number 2. This feels like it was not all that long ago. I'm amazed at what and how my life has changed. God is good.

Today 2 years ago I started bleeding from miscarriage number 1. This seems like it was forever ago, and I hardly remember it.

The loss of these 2 babies is something that I would never want to go through again. But to have Kayla, I would do it all over again.

The picture above I took yesterday on our walk at the beach. Seeing these baby coconuts on the ground reminded me of my 2 losses. Not all coconuts grow into mature coconuts. Some don't make it and fall off the tree. No one knows why this happens.

The same with Angel Babies.

1 year ago today I started my Lurpon injections for IVF. I never in a million years thought I would become pregnant after this IVF, have our 2nd miscarriage, go on a depression streak for a couple months and then have one miracle baby girl come into my life and change it forever.

If we wouldnt have gotten orders to Guam when we did we would not have rushed into IVF when we did. Then we would not have had our 2nd miscarriage when we did, and Nick would have not created our adoption website when he did, and Kayla's birth mother would have not found us just in the nick of time, 2 1/2 months before Kayla's birth.

It all happened the way it was supposed to.

Things are slowy coming around. Today Nick is picking up his car and tomorrow we get 3 of our 8 crates of household goods. I hope one of them is our bed. The bed we are borrowing from the military SUCKS. I wake up sore every morning.

Still havent started bleeding. Still no spotting. No cramping. My lower back hurts every now and then but I think that has more to do with the stupid bed we are sleeping on. I just want to get it over with. I want to get the bleeding over with. I want to move on.

Not much to report here, but wanted you all to know if you havent already read it that our adoption website will soon be up and running. It's still being worked on but should be ready to go within a week or so. I cant wait to share it with you all. On the website is our history of us and of everything we have done with ttc,and pictures of us. We have included a paypal donation link where 100% of proceeds go towards adoption funds. If you dont want to donate, we would just appreciate words of support and encouragement! We are getting our household goods real soon. 3 crates tomorrow and the rest early next week. When that happens I will have lots of things up for sale! 100% of the proceeds will go towards our adoption fund.

For now, I do have a couple of things up for sale. If you need to email me about anything please do at Nicksboo824 @ yahoo.com

I have 1 sharps container left over from my IVF cycle that I did not use. I will give it to you for free, just pay $5 for shipping cost.$5 will go into our adoption fund. Let me know if you would like a picture or additional information.
I also have brand new, unopened and unused needles, gauze pads and alcohol pads for $10. I can provide pictures and more details if needed.$10 will go into our adoption fund.
If you or anyone you know is going through IVF, I have an unused, still in box, bottle of progesterone in sesame oil. Just pay shipping for that, $5 to adoption fund.

Me at the beach. So, not much going on. Just wanted to stop in to thank you all for the support, and to say hello and let you know I'm alive and well. Still no bleeding, spotting or cramping. I'm just so ready to bleed my insides out so I can mentally and physically move on. Get it out.

We are still without our household goods, and Nick's car. We have our fingers crossed that we get both this week. Our household goods were supposed to be on island last Wed, but for some reason the boat is running days behind. Maybe they had a pit stop? I dunno, but I want my stuff.

Although we don't have stuff, we are settling in. It is slowly starting to feel like home here. We have become good friends with the neighbors. I will call them *J&J. They are in the house attached to us to our left. They arrived on island a day after we did. They moved into their house the same day we did. They are our same ages, they have a 5 month old baby girl who is just precious. We have been eating dinner with them almost every night, on the patio on the grill which can do all year round here. :)

Nick and I decided to adopt from Kazakhstan. I mean, we have PLENTY of time to decide, but this country has been in the back of our minds for a couple years now so it was easy to decide on after ready the country's requirements, and other reasons to choose them.

1 requirement is you have to be 25 years old. I am only 24 and wont be 25 until mid January. But that doesn't matter because we need 2 years to save money anyways. ( money issues I will come back to ) All the other requirements, we can easily meet.

Another reason we choose this country is because infants are immediately available and within 1-3 months of submitting the dossier paperwork, you get a referral for a child and travel to pick him/her up. This timeline won us over.

Also, you get to choose gender/age/ethnicity of your child. We want as young as possible and we are leaning towards choosing a baby girl. Depending on how much longer the wait would be for a baby girl, we might go with that. We also want a Caucasian child. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have a preference...but Nick really wants Caucasian.

Now back to the money issue. Like I said, its going to take about 2 years to get money in order. We HAVE to have the money in 2 years or the whole adoption thing is not going to happen. For us to be able to do this, we have to have 18 months left on station. So in the next 2 years we will be scraping pennies. Nick is currently building a website about us and our history. There will be a donation link on there. Also, when we get our household goods, I will be building boxes of things to sell. All the stuff around the house that isn't necessary to keep, an extra, something I haven't used or seen in a while...I'm going to sell it on our web page, on Ebay, or on chat boards. A lot of maternity wear and infant baby items will be included. I have also thought of...when I am ready..to go the on base chaplain here and ask him if we would be allowed to have a bake sale during the Sunday services. I could put together mini scrapbooks that are cookbooks and sell them. I could make small quilts and sell those as well. A car wash is also an option. We will do what it takes.


As far as a job for me....yeah, well, it's not happening. Since we been here I have applied to 10+ jobs with not 1 single call. The BX on base doesn't even have 1 opening. Not even temporary positions. Jobs are extremely hard to get here. For ever 1 military spouse they hire on base, there has to be 2 locals hired. It takes away job opportunities for the spouses and it really sucks. But what can I do? So *J and I have decided to do daycare together. We have to go through 2 days of class to get certified and then an inspector has to come to our houses and pass us. We can take on 4 kids each, but we can only have 7 because of *Js daughter. The base will provide cots for nap time and toys. At the end of every year we get refunded for our grocery bills with our taxes. The only expense is paying for insurance. We could easily charge $150 per kid per week. So t that's $150 x's 4 = $600 per week, which is $2,400 per month. That is $28,800 per year. That would easily pay for our adoption. And if we add in some of Nick's income to that fund, plus the small income from selling things, and our donation link...I think we could do it. It does mean though, no days off, no vacations...but we gotta do what we gotta do to have a baby in our arms.

Well, that's all for now. We don't have a computer desk...just a love seat and an end table and its killing my arms and back now so I gotta end this blog for today. If any of you have any fundraiser ideas, please let me know. Thanks again for all the support and all the emails. My blogger gals are the best.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I havent officially said it on my blog yet, so here it goes...
This pregnancy is over. For those who don't know the details, here they are.

6 Mar 2008- First ultrasound at 7w2d. Saw OBGYN first. She didn't see anything on the TransVaginal Ultrasound.(TVU) She did point out a white blob that might have been something.We are expected to have a miscarriage. We had my beta drawn and left the hospital. Results came back at 2,440. Because I have had no spotting,bleeding or cramping we went back to the hospital to radiology. The guy saw nothing on the abdominal u/s. Another radiologist did a TVU and he said he "might" have seen something. Another doctor saw the pictures and wouldn't confirm or deny seeing something. So we are left with, are we pregnant or aren't we pregnant?

10 Mar- Repeat beta test today at 7w6d. Had blood drawn in my normal dominant arm and vein. Same one docs always use. Never have any issues. Blood was taken, band aid put on and I walked out of the lab. I felt a trickle and looked down and blood was gushing down my arm for a few minutes. This has never happened. Now waiting for results.Beta dropped from 2,440 to 2,100. Yet again, another miscarriage.

13 Mar 08- Still no bleeding but I did wke up to some pinching. I expect the contents of my womb, the tissues of what was supposed to our baby's lifeline, spill out in the next few days.

It didn't take us long to decide this was the end. At least for now. Maybe in another 5 years we can do IVF again. After our tour here in Guam. We have decided adoption is our only option right now. We are tired of loosing babies. We want a baby. Weather birthed physically, or in our hearts, we want a baby. Adoption is a long process, but in the end we will not have a miscarriage.
Of course, we cannot start right away. We have debt from this last IVF. We have a car payment. We need to pay that off and start on an adoption fund. God doesn't listen to us, but maybe he will help us build this fund. Sometime in the near future Nick will create a website. He will explain all we been through. He will post pictures. We will auction things on there, sell things on there and all proceeds will go to our fund. I will offer to make quilts, scrapbooks...whatever. I will sell all the baby items we own. I am applying for jobs and my entire pay check will go into the fund. We will not travel and take vacations. We will create a link through paypal and accept donations weather it be only $1, or $10. Every penny helps. We will have fundraisers. We will do what it takes.

But for now, we need to heal and mourn the loss of another baby. I need to mourn the loss of knowing that I could possibly never birth a child. Never know morning sickness or the pain of labor and then birth. I may never know what it feels like to experience what women are supposed to experience....giving their husbands children. For now I must live with a 10 ton concrete brick on my shoulders. I must live with an empty broken heart and look at the faces of pregnant women and babies every single day knowing that I cant have it. I obviously need time to heal, although I will never get over this.

I will be back soon daily as usuall. I am on CD 12 now but as you all know Im taking a break. Next cycle I will be back in. I hope our favorite donor is available then. If not, I will have to choose another one.
In Feb when I got my BFP I only took 25 mg of clomid. I plan on doing that again next cycle. I have been wondering if the high doses of clomid have been preventing a BFP for me. So, back to only 25 mg next round. It might just be my last IUI if I am accepted into the donor program. If its a BFN and I am accepted, I will go through 2 rounds of donating my eggs to build up the cash for IVF. So, hopefully I will just get my BFP.
So, thats my plan and Im sticking to it.

I had a dream last night that I was crying to my dad's step sister, or my step aunt. I havent seen her since I was 12 or 13. All I can remember is her having 2 miscarriages then years later getting her sticky BFP. But back then, I didnt understand. I knew she was pregnant and her babies died and she was so sad and upset just sitting on the couch all day crying. I couldnt understand. But now I do, and I think of her.I had a dream last night that I ran into her and I was crying and telling her shes the only one that really understands me and I was asking her how she got through it. I dont remember much of the dream but I remember me crying and feeling so hurt. Hmmmm. Oh well...I will have a baby someday I suppose.

Something I forgot to mention, and I dont know how! A couple weekends ago one of my best friends from high school was in town for her husband's family reunion. The sweet person that she is, she made time for us to spend a day with her. I havent seen Lilian in about 2 years and before that it was 3 years. She is one of the VERY few that kept in touch with me after I got married and moved to Italy. All my other friends acted as if I had dropped off the face of the earth. But not her. I've known her since 7th grade! Wow...has it really been 10 years? We were'nt friends in Jr. high school as we hung out with different crowds, but once in 9th grade, our first year of high school it was different. She sat right in front of me in homeroom, from 9th grade all the way until the end. And she didnt just sit in front of me, she did more than that for me. She was always someone to talk to, someone to tell my darkest secrets to, someone to listen to, someone to give advice as well as take it. Someone to laugh with and at times laugh at. LOL! ( a gruesome science experiment just popped into my mind! Muahahahaha! ) Anyways, we got to spend the day together and it was great. It brough back great memories and made me wish I lived closer to home. 2 times in 5 years just isnt enough times seeing her. We had a great time. Nick and I picked her and Jeff at the hotel and off to Virginia Beach we went. We spent some good time in the ocean before we got kicked off the beach due to a torrential downpour and lightning. So back to the hotel we went and we swam in the pool instead. It was a grand ole time!
Lily, I miss you!!

I made baby's memory box. It was an emotional day. I almost cried when I was picking out the supplies to make the box. I did cry on the way home. And the emotions I felt pour out of me as I was filling up the box with the things that needed to go in, was overwhelming. Even closing the box for the first time with the contents in it, was more than I imgained it would be. Today has been a rough day. But I know I will get through it.

Everyone,

Thank you for your thoughts, sympathy and prayers for Nick and I. I've had so many emails and messages so its taken me a few days to respond to everyone individually. Each and everyone of you has made a world of a difference to me. Thank you for taking the time out to help support me I have never been through this or have never known anyone who has been through this so it's been difficult. Its hard going through this alone, without a spouse to turn to for comfort.
But Nick and I both are getting through this. Miscarriage is lot more common than either of us knew, and seeing so many sucesses after a tragedy gives us much hope. We cant wait to move on to the next cycle as soon as my body heals. The doctor is also ready to begin so that gives us relief too, in that we will be sucessful. We are meant to be parents and we are not giving up. We will get through this and we will get a little bean to stick!!

Love,
Michelle and Nick

Well, 2 days have passed so I supposed I should post and let you all know what happened, and give you an update.

On the 26th, I had my orientation. I went in, filled out paperwork, had 7 vials of blood taken for various routine tests. All that took 2 hours of waiting. I sat in the waiting room after that for another 2 1/2 hours. The nurse had told the doc about my brown spotting and he wanted to an ultrasound to just make sure everything was fine. He said many women experience that during pregnancy but as a precaution he wanted to check. So I had to wait until all his appintments were taken care of before he could see me. After being there for 4 1/2 hours, I went to the bathroom and wiped lots of red blood and small clots. I told the nurse I need to see the doctor NOW. So he took me in next, and did the ultrasound. I knew right away something was wrong. The gestational sac was hollow on the screen. I didnt see a bean shape in it at all. He said it was empty and gave me all sorts of options and talked to me and recommended I still go to my scheduled ultrasound the following morning. So I did.

My IUI doc saw the same thing. He game me options and said early miscarriage is common. I opted to just let things pass naturally since I had already started. Im going to see him next week for a follow up to make sure everything has passed. Then I wait for AF to show again and I will start my clomid again and we go from there all over again.

I had a hard day yesterday. I passed many huge clots and it was hard to see. I was in no pain. Its hard to understand why these tissues are falling out of me when they should be in me nourshing my baby.

The good thing is I am very excited to move on and try again. I do not want to wait. I would do another IUI tomorrow if I could. We know that isnt possible though. I am very hopeful and excited and believe things will work out for the best. I know I am meant to be a mommy this way. I know it will happen.

I also researched a lot, and got many girls emailing me who have had success right after a first miscarriage. So I know things will work out. Here is some info form my book, What To Expect When You Are Expecting.

If you've had a miscarriage:

Early miscarriage is very common ( many doctors believe that virtually every women will have atleast one sometime in her reproductive years ), occuring in as many as 40 to 65% of conceptions. More than half of these occur so early that pregnancy is not even suspected yet so these miscarriages go unnoticed, passing for a late normal or heavier period.

Though it is hard for parents to accept it at the time, when an early miscarriage occurs it is usually because the condition of the embryo or fetus is incompatible with normal life. Early miscarriage is generally a natural selection process in which the defective embryo ( defective because of genetic abnormality ) is lost because it is incapable of survival or is overwhelmingly malformed.

All that said, losing a ba by, even this early, is tragic and traumatic. But dont let guilt compond your misery-a miscarriage is not your fault. Do allow yourself to grieve, a necessary step in the healing process. Expect to be sad, even depressed for a while.

For some women, the best therapy is getting pregnant again as soon as it is safe. Most often, miscarriage is simply a random one time occurance caused by chromosomal abnormality, infection, chemical exposure, or chance and it not likely to recur. Repeat miscarriages ( more than 2 ) may be related to hormonal abnormalities in the mother.

Some studies have shown that women actually have a higher than normal fertility rate in the first 3 cycles following a first trimester loss.

Happily, the chances are excellent that next time around you'll have a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby. Most women who have had one miscarriage do not miscarry again. In fact, a miscarriage is an assurance that your capable of concieveing, and the great majority of women who loose a pregnancy this way go on to a complete one.

So after reading that, and many other articles online, and responses from girls who had experience, I am VERY hopeful.

There is just another angel in heaven working on giving us the gift of life. The good thing is, we know that I can get pregnant very easily on drugs! I just cant wait to try again.

Thank you everyone for your emails, posts, and messages for Nick and I. I've had so many its hard to respond to everyone individually. But each and everyone has made a world of a difference to me. Thank you for takign the time out to help support me. Its hard going through this alone, without a spouse to turn to for comfort, without family..with no close friends nearby.

But I will get through this and we will get a sticky BFP!

Just wanted to post that I lost the baby. I found out yesterday that I was miscarrying. I will post more later on. Im just not in a typing mood right now. Keep us in your thoughts. Its hard to go through this alone. I cant wait until Nick is home again.

Yesterday, 2 times, I got brown spotting. I still had a little bit of brown spotting this morning, not as nearly as much as yesterday. I read it happens in up tp 70% of women around this time in pregnancy. Its brown because its old blood, and it happens from the placenta and embryo burrowing into the uterine wall.

I am confident things are fine since there is no red blood or cramps. I called the doc anyways, the doctor that did my IUI 45 minutes away ( I couldnt get through to the doc here on base ). The IUI nurse said that their protocol is to do an u/s to check the heart beat at 6-7 weeks, then turn me over to my OB here on base. I didnt know that, noone told me. So on Monday I have that "orientation" here on base, then Tuesday at the IUI clinic I have my first U/S FINALLY! I will be 7 weeks and 2 days for the u/s. I cant wait! How am I ever going to make it through the weekend?????????? HURRY UP!

Pink?

or blue?

Yesterday I bought 2 bags of dirt and 2 bags of mulch. I got home, and then realized that isnt going to be nearly enough. I need ATLEAST 2 more of each. I wanted to get started on it today. Pull the weeds out, shovel up the old mulch, put down new dirt and put down new mulch. But, Nick insisited, because of the brown spotting, that I take it easy today. I know he's right, so I only pulled the weeds. Its 83 degress out now and I so want to go outside and get working on our flower bed, darn it. But I wont, I will take it easy until I get my ultrasound and the doc says everything is ok.