If I still have any blog readers out there, I apologize for my absense. Im trying to work up the nerve and the desire to relive this all again, to explain why I have not been around. But, frankly I am emotionally exhausted right now. In telling my story as of late, I hope to get a couple things out of it. I hope that one, it will be some sort of therepy for me and help me move on and for two, I hope that maybe I can help someone else into knowing that they are not alone. Because until I came out with this I thought I was totally alone only to find out almost every single married person I know has gone through this. Its a daily struggle to get through each day with these feelings so one day soon, I will be blogging again, and blogging about this.
By the way, the kids and I are in PA now visiting family and friends and its just what I need. We are having a good time.
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
personal stuff
I don't even know where to begin with this post. But I do know I need to blog about it. Im going to be talking about some really personal issues here. Some might read this and wonder why the heck I would blog about this, here where anyone can read it. Others might think this is good for me. Blogging is good for me. I'm not a very open person in person, so here I can be open. Here my friends can give me their thoughts and here I can always feel not so alone.
My childhood has indeed affected the type of person I have become as 26 year old adult. In so many ways I am thankful for the childhood, or lack there of, that I did have because it has made me the person I am today. But there are a few areas that I wish could have been different.
In the positive ways it has made me a great mother. I think it has made me a mother. If my Dad wasn't a truck driver, if my Mom didn't work the night shift at Walmart, I would not have been at home stuck 'mothering' my 10 years younger sister. I hated it then. I am thankful and at times miss that now. Because I took care of and raised her basically, it made me want to be a mother at a very young age. After 6 months of being married I was ready (or so I thought) to become a Mom and so we started trying. (Thank GOD that didn't work out)
In the negative ways my childhood has robbed me of some things. Things that would come natural to anyone else. I lack some things. BIG things. I lack it as a Mother and a wife and its effecting my marriage.
What is this big thing you ask?
Three simple words. I love you. I'm unable to say it freely and naturally. This by no means that I do not love the person I cannot say these word too. I know, this must sound stupid. Let me explain.
As a child, I remember ONE time when my mother told me she loved me. It was not long after my sister was born. My Mom came into my room and told me that just because there was a new baby in the house it didn't mean that she didn't love me any less. She asked me if I thought she loved me, and honestly I said no. I had to be 10 years old then. I never in my life felt my Mom loved me as her daughter, but more like her friend. The one other time I remember her telling me she loved me was when I was 18, newly married and at the airport saying goodbye to her, on my way to run off to Italy to be with my husband.
My Father, the times he told me he loved me was even less. I don't remember hearing this one single time. During my parents divorce when I was 18, I read it in emails, but it was written in a very spiteful way. Not a fatherly, honest way.
Hugs from my parents, I remember my Mom once and my Dad once. My Mom again when I was saying goodbye at the airport. My Dad the summer Kayla was born. It was August 2008. I hadn't seen him since 2002 when I was getting my sister's bike out of the trunk of my Mom's car. We were meeting him in a parking lot of Red Lobster because it was his weekend to have her. The last time I saw him he called me a very bad name. My Mom was dating at the time a black guy so he preceded to call me a $igger loving $itch just like her. He pointed at me in my face and said, "I don't want to be at your wedding, $Uck you." So, I said, "Good, I don't want you there acting like THIS!" That was the last time I saw him, until Kayla was born. He and I met half way between his home in NJ and my in law's home in PA so I could pick up my sister to spend a couple weeks with her. He got out of his truck and hugged me. I hugged back. It was the one and only hug I can remember.
All through my childhood, my parents never showed affection towards each other, towards me, or towards my sister. My parents barely even talked to each other. If they did it was a fight. My parents never complimented me. To this day, at 26 years old when I get compliments, it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to react or respond to it. My parents never told me I was doing a good job at anything in life. I remember getting B's and C's in school and even a few A's here and there on a report card one time. My Dad came home to my Mom and I reading it at the kitchen table and all he could say was, "You got C's?" Dude, at least I was going to school. He was/is an 8th grade school drop out and cant spell the word, cat. Seriously. I was really upset. But I just hid it. Pushed it under the carpet and pressed on. I was never told I was doing a good job at work or at school, because all through high school I juggled both, along with taking care of my sister and having a boyfriend most of the time. I was never told I was pretty. To this day I don't see what my husband sees in me as far as looks. I have no confidence. My parents never instilled confidence in me for anything.
I remember as child, going to a friends house and seeing her parents on the couch together holding hands and then they kissed each other. I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. I enjoyed going to her house to eat dinner a few days a week because they actually sat at the table like a real family. Something I didn't have. At my house, it was get what you want when you want and eat where ever you want. 99% of the time it was just my sister and I because Dad wasn't home and Mom was sleeping. I would make us grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, and hot dogs. Those were our favorites. My sister tells me today that I made the best hot dogs in the world.
Anyways, my point of explaining this all to you is that because of all this, I struggle day to day with these 3 simple words and it hurts my husbands feelings termedously. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than what I can give to him in my opinion. I don't randomly hug him. I don't randomly kiss him. I don't randomly tell him I love him. I only do these things when he initiates them and I HATE that. HATE isn't even a strong enough word for this. I never did do these things. He just didn't notice it before. But now, almost 8 years into our marriage it has become a problem. And I don't know how to fix it.
I live every single day very conscious and trying so hard not to do the things my 'Mother' did. Or to do the things she did NOT do. Every single day.
When Kayla was a baby I had to practice telling her that I love her. How pathetic is that? This by no means in any way means that I don't love her or love her less because of how became a family. It all comes from childhood. Nick deployed when Kayla was 7 months old. Prior to that, I never told her I loved her and every single day it would eat at me. I did love her. Why couldn't I tell her? When Nick left I thought this was the perfect time to practice. And by the time he came home hopefully I would be 'fixed' and I could tell her and him that I loved them with no problem. I first would start out telling Kayla, "Mama loves you". Not I love you. That was too big of a step. Eventually over the 7 months that was gone I worked up to I love you. I worked up me being able to tell her how pretty she is, how good she is, how smart she is.
Now with Caden being 6 months old, I'm having the same issues all over again. I'm going to have to practice all over again. Why do I have to be like this? What is wrong with me?
Why cant I just tell people I love, that I love them, like normal people?
I love my sister so much, yet I have NEVER told her. And she has never told me, although I know she does. Its like a mutual silent. 'i love you' between the 2 of us. Over the winter when Caden was born and I was staying with my in laws waiting on his passport, my sister came to stay with me for 5 days. We talked about how she is not able to hug anyone, or tell anyone she loves them. My heart sank when I heard this because I don't want her to turn out like me and struggle with these issues as an adult. Its not fair.
I've only just now begun to be able to tell my Great Grandparents I love you on the phone before they say it first. That took 26 years.
Ive only now just began to SOMETIMES tell my mother in law I love you on the phone first before she does. But I have to make a conscious effort and force myself to say it first whenever I do say it first.
Last week talking on the phone with our birth mother she told me she loved us all before the conversation ended. Could I say it back to her? Nope. It wouldn't come out. I felt so stupid and selfish and broken after I hung up the phone. What the $$$$ is wrong with me? Of course I love her. She gave us 2 gifts that mere words can not explain. Of course I love her.
I want to fix this but don't know how. I want to be able to walk up to my husband after he's had a long day at work and welcome him home with a big hug, like Kayla does. I want to be able to look at him and kiss him when I feel the urge. I want to tell him I love him because him just knowing isn't enough. Its not enough. He deserves more than that, but more than him just deserving more than that, I do love him and I am his wife, so why cant I just do it?
I'm so angry at parents for all this. At the same time it scares me. I haven't heard from my mother since 2005. She knows she has grandchildren but does not care. She even stopped visiting with my Great Grandparents because she didn't want to see the pictures of us all over her house. How can one just cut off their children and go on like they do not even exist on this earth? I honestly thought I was OK with her not being in my life. I keep telling myself that is her loss, not mine. But really, I do have a loss here. I don't have a mother. Yes, I have my mother in law. She is and has been more of a mother to me in the last 11 years then my own mother has been to me in my entire life. But, it still hurts that my own mother doesn't love me enough to be a part of my life. As much as it is HER loss, it still hurts ME.
I don't know how to fix this. The only thing I can come up with is, 'baby steps.' Just like I practiced with Kayla over the 7 month deployment, I guess I need to practice with my own husband and son. How sad is that? I feel like a broken human being.
My childhood has indeed affected the type of person I have become as 26 year old adult. In so many ways I am thankful for the childhood, or lack there of, that I did have because it has made me the person I am today. But there are a few areas that I wish could have been different.
In the positive ways it has made me a great mother. I think it has made me a mother. If my Dad wasn't a truck driver, if my Mom didn't work the night shift at Walmart, I would not have been at home stuck 'mothering' my 10 years younger sister. I hated it then. I am thankful and at times miss that now. Because I took care of and raised her basically, it made me want to be a mother at a very young age. After 6 months of being married I was ready (or so I thought) to become a Mom and so we started trying. (Thank GOD that didn't work out)
In the negative ways my childhood has robbed me of some things. Things that would come natural to anyone else. I lack some things. BIG things. I lack it as a Mother and a wife and its effecting my marriage.
What is this big thing you ask?
Three simple words. I love you. I'm unable to say it freely and naturally. This by no means that I do not love the person I cannot say these word too. I know, this must sound stupid. Let me explain.
As a child, I remember ONE time when my mother told me she loved me. It was not long after my sister was born. My Mom came into my room and told me that just because there was a new baby in the house it didn't mean that she didn't love me any less. She asked me if I thought she loved me, and honestly I said no. I had to be 10 years old then. I never in my life felt my Mom loved me as her daughter, but more like her friend. The one other time I remember her telling me she loved me was when I was 18, newly married and at the airport saying goodbye to her, on my way to run off to Italy to be with my husband.
My Father, the times he told me he loved me was even less. I don't remember hearing this one single time. During my parents divorce when I was 18, I read it in emails, but it was written in a very spiteful way. Not a fatherly, honest way.
Hugs from my parents, I remember my Mom once and my Dad once. My Mom again when I was saying goodbye at the airport. My Dad the summer Kayla was born. It was August 2008. I hadn't seen him since 2002 when I was getting my sister's bike out of the trunk of my Mom's car. We were meeting him in a parking lot of Red Lobster because it was his weekend to have her. The last time I saw him he called me a very bad name. My Mom was dating at the time a black guy so he preceded to call me a $igger loving $itch just like her. He pointed at me in my face and said, "I don't want to be at your wedding, $Uck you." So, I said, "Good, I don't want you there acting like THIS!" That was the last time I saw him, until Kayla was born. He and I met half way between his home in NJ and my in law's home in PA so I could pick up my sister to spend a couple weeks with her. He got out of his truck and hugged me. I hugged back. It was the one and only hug I can remember.
All through my childhood, my parents never showed affection towards each other, towards me, or towards my sister. My parents barely even talked to each other. If they did it was a fight. My parents never complimented me. To this day, at 26 years old when I get compliments, it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to react or respond to it. My parents never told me I was doing a good job at anything in life. I remember getting B's and C's in school and even a few A's here and there on a report card one time. My Dad came home to my Mom and I reading it at the kitchen table and all he could say was, "You got C's?" Dude, at least I was going to school. He was/is an 8th grade school drop out and cant spell the word, cat. Seriously. I was really upset. But I just hid it. Pushed it under the carpet and pressed on. I was never told I was doing a good job at work or at school, because all through high school I juggled both, along with taking care of my sister and having a boyfriend most of the time. I was never told I was pretty. To this day I don't see what my husband sees in me as far as looks. I have no confidence. My parents never instilled confidence in me for anything.
I remember as child, going to a friends house and seeing her parents on the couch together holding hands and then they kissed each other. I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. I enjoyed going to her house to eat dinner a few days a week because they actually sat at the table like a real family. Something I didn't have. At my house, it was get what you want when you want and eat where ever you want. 99% of the time it was just my sister and I because Dad wasn't home and Mom was sleeping. I would make us grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, and hot dogs. Those were our favorites. My sister tells me today that I made the best hot dogs in the world.
Anyways, my point of explaining this all to you is that because of all this, I struggle day to day with these 3 simple words and it hurts my husbands feelings termedously. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than what I can give to him in my opinion. I don't randomly hug him. I don't randomly kiss him. I don't randomly tell him I love him. I only do these things when he initiates them and I HATE that. HATE isn't even a strong enough word for this. I never did do these things. He just didn't notice it before. But now, almost 8 years into our marriage it has become a problem. And I don't know how to fix it.
I live every single day very conscious and trying so hard not to do the things my 'Mother' did. Or to do the things she did NOT do. Every single day.
When Kayla was a baby I had to practice telling her that I love her. How pathetic is that? This by no means in any way means that I don't love her or love her less because of how became a family. It all comes from childhood. Nick deployed when Kayla was 7 months old. Prior to that, I never told her I loved her and every single day it would eat at me. I did love her. Why couldn't I tell her? When Nick left I thought this was the perfect time to practice. And by the time he came home hopefully I would be 'fixed' and I could tell her and him that I loved them with no problem. I first would start out telling Kayla, "Mama loves you". Not I love you. That was too big of a step. Eventually over the 7 months that was gone I worked up to I love you. I worked up me being able to tell her how pretty she is, how good she is, how smart she is.
Now with Caden being 6 months old, I'm having the same issues all over again. I'm going to have to practice all over again. Why do I have to be like this? What is wrong with me?
Why cant I just tell people I love, that I love them, like normal people?
I love my sister so much, yet I have NEVER told her. And she has never told me, although I know she does. Its like a mutual silent. 'i love you' between the 2 of us. Over the winter when Caden was born and I was staying with my in laws waiting on his passport, my sister came to stay with me for 5 days. We talked about how she is not able to hug anyone, or tell anyone she loves them. My heart sank when I heard this because I don't want her to turn out like me and struggle with these issues as an adult. Its not fair.
I've only just now begun to be able to tell my Great Grandparents I love you on the phone before they say it first. That took 26 years.
Ive only now just began to SOMETIMES tell my mother in law I love you on the phone first before she does. But I have to make a conscious effort and force myself to say it first whenever I do say it first.
Last week talking on the phone with our birth mother she told me she loved us all before the conversation ended. Could I say it back to her? Nope. It wouldn't come out. I felt so stupid and selfish and broken after I hung up the phone. What the $$$$ is wrong with me? Of course I love her. She gave us 2 gifts that mere words can not explain. Of course I love her.
I want to fix this but don't know how. I want to be able to walk up to my husband after he's had a long day at work and welcome him home with a big hug, like Kayla does. I want to be able to look at him and kiss him when I feel the urge. I want to tell him I love him because him just knowing isn't enough. Its not enough. He deserves more than that, but more than him just deserving more than that, I do love him and I am his wife, so why cant I just do it?
I'm so angry at parents for all this. At the same time it scares me. I haven't heard from my mother since 2005. She knows she has grandchildren but does not care. She even stopped visiting with my Great Grandparents because she didn't want to see the pictures of us all over her house. How can one just cut off their children and go on like they do not even exist on this earth? I honestly thought I was OK with her not being in my life. I keep telling myself that is her loss, not mine. But really, I do have a loss here. I don't have a mother. Yes, I have my mother in law. She is and has been more of a mother to me in the last 11 years then my own mother has been to me in my entire life. But, it still hurts that my own mother doesn't love me enough to be a part of my life. As much as it is HER loss, it still hurts ME.
I don't know how to fix this. The only thing I can come up with is, 'baby steps.' Just like I practiced with Kayla over the 7 month deployment, I guess I need to practice with my own husband and son. How sad is that? I feel like a broken human being.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The weekend went way too fast!
Here is what we were lucky enough to do...
Hard to believe its only Tuesday here. I swear it should be Thursday already. I think its because we are dreading this next week. Base wide inspection/exercise. This means Dada will be camping out in the jungle for 5 days playing war, instead of coming home to be with his family. *sigh* We will miss, yet AGAIN, ANOTHER wedding anniversary. In our 8 years (gasp!) of marriage, we have only been able to celebrate TWO together, in the same place.
Hard to believe its only Tuesday here. I swear it should be Thursday already. I think its because we are dreading this next week. Base wide inspection/exercise. This means Dada will be camping out in the jungle for 5 days playing war, instead of coming home to be with his family. *sigh* We will miss, yet AGAIN, ANOTHER wedding anniversary. In our 8 years (gasp!) of marriage, we have only been able to celebrate TWO together, in the same place.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Do I cost more than what Im worth?
I could totally be talking out of my butt here because of the stress I feel that I have caused by wanting this baby.
But today, I am left wondering, "Am I costing more than what I am worth?"
When we first got married, I came across a paper that Nick had written before we got married. On this paper he had goals written down that he wanted to accomplish, if I remember correctly, by the time he was 30.
And until I(*) wanted babies, he had been able to accomplish them.
*Note- I'm saying 'I' because I think Nick would have been content in life without babies.
After 5 years of infertility including more grief than we ever imagined, thousands of dollars lost, 9 IUI's with donor sperm, 2 surgeries for Nick, a shot of IVF, 2 miscarriages and finally the birth of our precious baby girl $30,000 more dollars later, and now the fight to adopt her bio half brother costing even more money....he is left with nothing....because I want to be a Mother.
He is left with nothing accomplished on his list of goals.
Before Kayla he had a start on getting these goals. We found out about Kayla and his car had to be sold. The one and only thing he had to call his. The one thing he could go to and play with to 'escape'. His one and only hobby. I called it his other love.
Kayla was a dream come true. We recovered after the 30 grand in debt, Nick was able to buy another car, and even a nice car for me, and upgrade our old camera to a new one and we had some money building up in the bank again. He was as happy as ever. He had his 'other love' and even had the camera for yet another hobby and something else to call his own. And his wife was now a Mother. He could get back to his goals.
Now today, both cars are for sale, the camera is for sale, the money will disappear and debt will reappear. My fun loving, loud, outgoing, carefree, kid hearted husband has disappeared along with all his accomplished goals again.
Because of me. And I am left feeling like I am costing him more than what I am worth.
Sure, I take care of him. I wash the laundry, clean the house (although I am not the best), I make dinner, I support his deployments and his career and everything he ever wants.
But I also take away the things he needs to accomplish his goals that he listed before we were married. And I give him stress, and not to mention that I cant keep him 100% satisfied in the bedroom, not for last 5 years.
So, Do I cost more than what I'm worth?
But today, I am left wondering, "Am I costing more than what I am worth?"
When we first got married, I came across a paper that Nick had written before we got married. On this paper he had goals written down that he wanted to accomplish, if I remember correctly, by the time he was 30.
And until I(*) wanted babies, he had been able to accomplish them.
*Note- I'm saying 'I' because I think Nick would have been content in life without babies.
After 5 years of infertility including more grief than we ever imagined, thousands of dollars lost, 9 IUI's with donor sperm, 2 surgeries for Nick, a shot of IVF, 2 miscarriages and finally the birth of our precious baby girl $30,000 more dollars later, and now the fight to adopt her bio half brother costing even more money....he is left with nothing....because I want to be a Mother.
He is left with nothing accomplished on his list of goals.
Before Kayla he had a start on getting these goals. We found out about Kayla and his car had to be sold. The one and only thing he had to call his. The one thing he could go to and play with to 'escape'. His one and only hobby. I called it his other love.
Kayla was a dream come true. We recovered after the 30 grand in debt, Nick was able to buy another car, and even a nice car for me, and upgrade our old camera to a new one and we had some money building up in the bank again. He was as happy as ever. He had his 'other love' and even had the camera for yet another hobby and something else to call his own. And his wife was now a Mother. He could get back to his goals.
Now today, both cars are for sale, the camera is for sale, the money will disappear and debt will reappear. My fun loving, loud, outgoing, carefree, kid hearted husband has disappeared along with all his accomplished goals again.
Because of me. And I am left feeling like I am costing him more than what I am worth.
Sure, I take care of him. I wash the laundry, clean the house (although I am not the best), I make dinner, I support his deployments and his career and everything he ever wants.
But I also take away the things he needs to accomplish his goals that he listed before we were married. And I give him stress, and not to mention that I cant keep him 100% satisfied in the bedroom, not for last 5 years.
So, Do I cost more than what I'm worth?
Monday, August 24, 2009
Thank you! One year ago....
Thank you to everyone who sent happy wishes for our anniversary. It was as good as it gets for being apart. I got not one, but two cards from Nick. And Kayla and I enjoyed Pizza Hut. Well not so much her, but I did. She has been having tummy issues with her 4 teeth that trying to come in. I wont go into detail, because it has been quite gross.
Anyways, here are pictures from our anniversary one year ago. Again, we spent it apart. Kayla and I were still in PA, waiting on the correct paperwork for me to be able to get her passport in Philly so we could go home to Guam. It seems like it has been years since then, but at the same time feels like it was just months ago. Kayla and I spent the day with with my in-law's. We went to a festival (I forget the name of it now) and after that we stopped and had dinner at....well...where else...PIZZA HUT.
Aug 24th, 2008.
Kayla and her Grammy, aka Mi Mi.
Mama and Kayla
Kayla and her Grandpa, aka, Papa. He told a passerby that was commenting on Kayla's hair that she got her hair from him. To this day, it's still a big joke we still laugh about it.
Kayla taking a nap outside.
Anyways, here are pictures from our anniversary one year ago. Again, we spent it apart. Kayla and I were still in PA, waiting on the correct paperwork for me to be able to get her passport in Philly so we could go home to Guam. It seems like it has been years since then, but at the same time feels like it was just months ago. Kayla and I spent the day with with my in-law's. We went to a festival (I forget the name of it now) and after that we stopped and had dinner at....well...where else...PIZZA HUT.
Aug 24th, 2008.
Kayla and her Grammy, aka Mi Mi.
Mama and Kayla
Kayla and her Grandpa, aka, Papa. He told a passerby that was commenting on Kayla's hair that she got her hair from him. To this day, it's still a big joke we still laugh about it.
Kayla taking a nap outside.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Another Anniversary spent apart.
Seven years today. (Its the 24th here on Guam)
Kayla and I will celebrate at Pizza Hut.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I woke up to this email
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
I I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Michelle, you have been hacked!!!!!!
After guessing different logins and passwords, I have made it into her blog. I being her husband, Nick.
First I want to thank everyone for supporting Michelle and I, and most recently KAYLA, through this journey, adventure, experience, or whatever you may call it. I would call it a dream, but the only truly dreamy part has been the outcome. Not that it hasn't been a building block of our marriage and taught us we can overcome anything, but because of the heartache it caused so many along the way.
Most importantly, I really wanted to thank you, Michelle. Thank you for being there for me through all my good decisions, bad decisions and indifferent decisions. I know I told you many years ago that the Air Force was my life and I don't want to miss opportunities in my career, but I know I have taken that mighty far. There have been times when I am sure I could have stayed home, times when I could have gotten out of those holiday shifts, and times where I chose missions that I probably shouldn't have. But, through it all you remained there for me. You supported me, you supported yourself and you ran a household when the odds were stacked against you, us. Thank you for the concern you show and the unwaivering trust and support you give me, even when not hearing from me from days, sometimes weeks on end. I try my hardest to check in, but you would be really surprised if you saw the whole picture of what we do sometimes. Someday I will explain it all, maybe.
Thank you for rallying support from your girlfriends, your blogger friends and our family. Even living 2 feet from a guy next to me for 7 months, its amazing how lonely it can get out here. How depressing your down time is and how unmotivated silence can make us. When I receive mail, emails, packages or blog updates it brings me back to reality and reminds me why it is we do what we do.
Thank you for raising Kayla. I am sorry how hard it was to begin a family, but I am thankful for the end result. I wouldn't want it any other way. She is a perfectly little girl, a lady, a munch kin, but above all else, our daughter. Thank you for putting up with early mornings, long nights, stinky diapers and teething slobber. Thank you for raising her with our values, our pride, our commitment and most importantly, our love.
Again, thank you everyone. I don't always get to read Michelle's posts, but whenever I do, I check the comments and am thankful for the advice, sympathy and congratulations that we receive.
I love you Michelle, Always and Forever!!!!
First I want to thank everyone for supporting Michelle and I, and most recently KAYLA, through this journey, adventure, experience, or whatever you may call it. I would call it a dream, but the only truly dreamy part has been the outcome. Not that it hasn't been a building block of our marriage and taught us we can overcome anything, but because of the heartache it caused so many along the way.
Most importantly, I really wanted to thank you, Michelle. Thank you for being there for me through all my good decisions, bad decisions and indifferent decisions. I know I told you many years ago that the Air Force was my life and I don't want to miss opportunities in my career, but I know I have taken that mighty far. There have been times when I am sure I could have stayed home, times when I could have gotten out of those holiday shifts, and times where I chose missions that I probably shouldn't have. But, through it all you remained there for me. You supported me, you supported yourself and you ran a household when the odds were stacked against you, us. Thank you for the concern you show and the unwaivering trust and support you give me, even when not hearing from me from days, sometimes weeks on end. I try my hardest to check in, but you would be really surprised if you saw the whole picture of what we do sometimes. Someday I will explain it all, maybe.
Thank you for rallying support from your girlfriends, your blogger friends and our family. Even living 2 feet from a guy next to me for 7 months, its amazing how lonely it can get out here. How depressing your down time is and how unmotivated silence can make us. When I receive mail, emails, packages or blog updates it brings me back to reality and reminds me why it is we do what we do.
Thank you for raising Kayla. I am sorry how hard it was to begin a family, but I am thankful for the end result. I wouldn't want it any other way. She is a perfectly little girl, a lady, a munch kin, but above all else, our daughter. Thank you for putting up with early mornings, long nights, stinky diapers and teething slobber. Thank you for raising her with our values, our pride, our commitment and most importantly, our love.
Again, thank you everyone. I don't always get to read Michelle's posts, but whenever I do, I check the comments and am thankful for the advice, sympathy and congratulations that we receive.
I love you Michelle, Always and Forever!!!!
Friday, April 17, 2009
I love it
I love it when Nick tells me, "I love you always and forever."
Gosh do I miss him today.
*Sigh, with teary eyes*
Gosh do I miss him today.
*Sigh, with teary eyes*
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
9
9 years ago yesterday Nick graduated from Basic Training in Texas. 9 years! 9 years ago I was so heartbroken. I just knew that I would never see him again(But deep down my heart knew what would really happen!), and if I did he would be married to the German girl that I knew would find him when he got stationed in Germany, and marry him and keep him from me. I mean after all, you would be totally blind if you didn't see what a great man he would become. And you would be dumb to not try to keep him.
Boy was I wrong!!
And boy am I lucky!
Boy was I wrong!!
And boy am I lucky!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Taking a break....
from painting that is. I painted all day yesterday in our dining room. Project Living Room is now Project Living Room and Dining Room. Im happy with the color. The picture I took doesnt show the true color. It was with only 1 coat and its wet. Now that its dry and has 2 coats its darker, and Im much happier with it. I have 1 more small wall in the dining room and then 1 big wall in the living room.
But Im taking a break from painting today. I dont want to push myself and get tired of painting. Today Im going to go grocery shopping and make a ton of waffles. Im going to load up my freezer and make some for a few friends too. Strawberry Banana is my favorite, so that it will be.
BUT, I MUST get back to the paint tomorrow at the latest BEFORE Kayla realized she can crawl.
BEFORE:
DURING:
AFTER 1 COAT OF WET PAINT:
Also, yesterday we got a package from Aunt Kim and it had tons of My Little Pony's in it. Kayla had a ball even though she was way over do for a nap and without much energy.
Tammy also sent us a nice little care package with the cutest T-shirt for Kayla which she will be wearing today and I will get pictures. THANK YOU TAMMY AND MARK!
Tomorrow Kayla has a St. Patrick's Day and Easter photo shoot! I'm very excited!!
Also, got to talk to Nick yesterday for a few minutes. It had been the first time I heard from him in 3 or 4 days. It was a relief. He said they had been out in the field training for days. They get up early, and don't get back in until late at night, so he doesn't have time to check emails or make phone calls. It was so good to hear him. I cant believe its only been a little over a week since I have seen him. It feels so much longer. I sure hope time starts going faster. But then again, I don't want to rush Kayla into growing into a toddler too fast. I just want my husband back.
Also, TODAY.. 7 years ago Nick and I got engaged! My where has time gone? He had just left Pennsylvania from leave. He was TDY to the Pentagon and since it was so close to home he took some leave to spend time at home. Although that time spent at home was mostly spent with me. We spent everyday together for nearly 2 weeks. Before that we hadnt seen each other in over 2 years. It was like we were never apart from instant we saw each other. I had no idea he was even coming home. One night I heard a knock at the door. I almost didnt get it because I dont like answering the door after dark. My dad and sister were asleep so it was just me. I answered the door and THERE HE STOOD on the other side. This was something I ONLY DREAMED of happening, and there he was. I had to nearly pinch myself. During the time together the word marraige did pop up, but heck...I just turned 18 a month ago, still had to graduate and Nick had to much to look forward to in his military career. After spending the nearly 2 weeks together, he had to leave to go back to Germany where he was stationed. Once he got back he got a very short notice deployment. He was to leave in a week. It was his very first deployment. A few nights later he called me. He asked if I would marry him. I said of course. And from there he deployed and I planned a wedding. We set a date for June 7th 2002. It was the day my Great Grandparents got married. But Nick was held longer in Kuwait. He volunteered. (little did I know my whole life would be filled with him volunteering for things like this) So, I changed the date for August 24th 2002. We got married. Again, this was something that I could ONLY DREAM of. This ONLY happened in my DREAMS. I nearly had to pinch myself the whole time I was planning this wedding and during the wedding. It was and still is unbelievable.
It at times is so unbelievable that after all this time together, we are still happy together and wouldn't have it any other way. This marriage is worth every second of the sacrifice I have to make to be in it. I wouldn't change a thing.
Ok...maybe I would change his eating habits.
But Im taking a break from painting today. I dont want to push myself and get tired of painting. Today Im going to go grocery shopping and make a ton of waffles. Im going to load up my freezer and make some for a few friends too. Strawberry Banana is my favorite, so that it will be.
BUT, I MUST get back to the paint tomorrow at the latest BEFORE Kayla realized she can crawl.
BEFORE:
DURING:
AFTER 1 COAT OF WET PAINT:
Also, yesterday we got a package from Aunt Kim and it had tons of My Little Pony's in it. Kayla had a ball even though she was way over do for a nap and without much energy.
Tammy also sent us a nice little care package with the cutest T-shirt for Kayla which she will be wearing today and I will get pictures. THANK YOU TAMMY AND MARK!
Tomorrow Kayla has a St. Patrick's Day and Easter photo shoot! I'm very excited!!
Also, got to talk to Nick yesterday for a few minutes. It had been the first time I heard from him in 3 or 4 days. It was a relief. He said they had been out in the field training for days. They get up early, and don't get back in until late at night, so he doesn't have time to check emails or make phone calls. It was so good to hear him. I cant believe its only been a little over a week since I have seen him. It feels so much longer. I sure hope time starts going faster. But then again, I don't want to rush Kayla into growing into a toddler too fast. I just want my husband back.
Also, TODAY.. 7 years ago Nick and I got engaged! My where has time gone? He had just left Pennsylvania from leave. He was TDY to the Pentagon and since it was so close to home he took some leave to spend time at home. Although that time spent at home was mostly spent with me. We spent everyday together for nearly 2 weeks. Before that we hadnt seen each other in over 2 years. It was like we were never apart from instant we saw each other. I had no idea he was even coming home. One night I heard a knock at the door. I almost didnt get it because I dont like answering the door after dark. My dad and sister were asleep so it was just me. I answered the door and THERE HE STOOD on the other side. This was something I ONLY DREAMED of happening, and there he was. I had to nearly pinch myself. During the time together the word marraige did pop up, but heck...I just turned 18 a month ago, still had to graduate and Nick had to much to look forward to in his military career. After spending the nearly 2 weeks together, he had to leave to go back to Germany where he was stationed. Once he got back he got a very short notice deployment. He was to leave in a week. It was his very first deployment. A few nights later he called me. He asked if I would marry him. I said of course. And from there he deployed and I planned a wedding. We set a date for June 7th 2002. It was the day my Great Grandparents got married. But Nick was held longer in Kuwait. He volunteered. (little did I know my whole life would be filled with him volunteering for things like this) So, I changed the date for August 24th 2002. We got married. Again, this was something that I could ONLY DREAM of. This ONLY happened in my DREAMS. I nearly had to pinch myself the whole time I was planning this wedding and during the wedding. It was and still is unbelievable.
It at times is so unbelievable that after all this time together, we are still happy together and wouldn't have it any other way. This marriage is worth every second of the sacrifice I have to make to be in it. I wouldn't change a thing.
Ok...maybe I would change his eating habits.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Day 5 feels like week 5
Things that drive me crazy about him. In no order.
He leaves his dirty laundry along side of his side of the bed.
He thinks EVERYTHING is recyclable just because the can is easier to get to.
His body hair all over the bathroom.
He is afraid to bathe Kayla.
He is afraid to feed her baby food.
The food crumbs he leaves around his side of the coffee table.
The fact the he loves that stupid coffee table so much.
He procrastinates.
He sweats way too much.
His ridiculous pickiness with food.
He is way too social and loud for me when we are out with people.
You cant tell him he cant, or he will no matter what.
He likes to volunteer for things when he is deployed so he can say he did that.
Things that outweigh all the above things I listed.
He is
Respectful
Kind
Caring
Committed
Loving
Gentle
Warm
Happy
Funny
Outgoing
Helpful
Married to me
Intelligent
Wise
Smart
Attached
Devoted
Trustworthy
Faithful
a Friend
Trusting
Loyal
a Dad
Hopeful
Sincere
Sympathetic
Compassionate
Mellow
Easy
Brave
Heroic
Role Model
Disciplined
Well Manored
Generous
Honest
Fun
Giddy
Articulate
Spontaneous
Goal Oriented
Italian and Irish :)
Honestly, the list could go on, but I don't want to bore you. Instead,
here are pictures of my gorgeous girl from yesterday at 7 months and 3 days old.
He leaves his dirty laundry along side of his side of the bed.
He thinks EVERYTHING is recyclable just because the can is easier to get to.
His body hair all over the bathroom.
He is afraid to bathe Kayla.
He is afraid to feed her baby food.
The food crumbs he leaves around his side of the coffee table.
The fact the he loves that stupid coffee table so much.
He procrastinates.
He sweats way too much.
His ridiculous pickiness with food.
He is way too social and loud for me when we are out with people.
You cant tell him he cant, or he will no matter what.
He likes to volunteer for things when he is deployed so he can say he did that.
Things that outweigh all the above things I listed.
He is
Respectful
Kind
Caring
Committed
Loving
Gentle
Warm
Happy
Funny
Outgoing
Helpful
Married to me
Intelligent
Wise
Smart
Attached
Devoted
Trustworthy
Faithful
a Friend
Trusting
Loyal
a Dad
Hopeful
Sincere
Sympathetic
Compassionate
Mellow
Easy
Brave
Heroic
Role Model
Disciplined
Well Manored
Generous
Honest
Fun
Giddy
Articulate
Spontaneous
Goal Oriented
Italian and Irish :)
Honestly, the list could go on, but I don't want to bore you. Instead,
here are pictures of my gorgeous girl from yesterday at 7 months and 3 days old.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
9 years ago today, a love was in bloom
9 years ago today, Nick and I went on our first date. And our first kiss. November 6th, 1999. 2 months before my 16th birthday and 1 month before Nick's 19th birthday.
It was just a week after meeting each other for the first time. I broke up with my emotionally abusive on and off again boyfriend of 2 years in October. Days later I met Nick. I still remember seeing him for the first time ever. The night I broke up with that boyfriend I was so upset. I called the only one person who I knew would be there for me. My best friend Jenn. She asked her brother to take her to my house. He did. He dropped her off and it was dark. I saw him in the car but he didn't see me. I noticed he was wearing a seat belt. Turn on #1 for me. Always loved a guy who was man enough to ware a seat belt.
We decided to go the movies. I picked the movie. It was Bats. I had a bat in my room and no one but my sister belived me, because she saw it too. We were laying bed one night in my room and there he flew right in front of our faces. I even had proof...bat poop right there on my computer monitor's screen. So it became a big joke.
That night I was a nervous wreck and Nick was too. We got to the theater and asked for our movie tickets. I proceeded to take money from my purse to pay for my ticket. Nick said, I wouldn't bring you on a date and not pay for you. Turn on #2, of many, never had a guy do that before.
His knee shook through the ENTIRE movie. After the movie we tried for a few hours calling his Mother to come pick us up. You see, Nick lost his driver's license doing some stupid teenager thing just a little while ago. This incident is part of what made him move back home with his parents, thus our meeting. His Mom was on the phone for hours talking to one of her sisters. It was cold out, and snowing. We started to walk to his house. Which we would have never made it if we had to have walked to whole way. It was a good distance. After walking for not very long, we spotted his father driving towards us and he drove us back to the house.
That night was also our first kiss. We decided to get into the hot tub to warm ourselves up after that cold snowy night. We were just sitting there and a shooting star happened to be above us and we both saw it. Clear as Swarovski Crystals. He told me to make a wish. I did. "Please, just kiss me already!" After asking me what my wish was, and me telling him I cant tell him or it wont come true, he kissed me, within seconds of that wish. I was stunned. I was in shock. How did he know that I made that wish that very moment? How?
And from that point on....it was all over. Or it had all JUST begun.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
5 Dec 2007
What kind of wife am I, to come home from work on my husband's birthday and tell him that my period started and I am not pregnant?
What kind of wife am I that on my husband's birthday, I make him curl up into a ball, hide under a snowman pillow, and cry his eyes out in pain, for yet another fatherhood dream shattered?
What have I done wrong to get this kind of life?
What kind of person am I that God is making me be this kind of wife?
Why cant we be parents as easily as those all around us? Will we not be good enough? Are we being punished for something? What have we done to deserve so much pain and heartache in our lives? Why cant God just take away the desire and ease it all? Or better yet, let us accomplish the greatest thing in life.
Some of you know, some of you dont, that Nick and I went through another IUI 2 weeks ago. It was out last attempt before moving onto IVF, and today we were proved that it didnt work. We did 3 vials, perfect timing. Obviously, to God, not the perfect time. And I dont and cant and wont understand.
Tomorrow I call the IVF clinic and put thousands of $ on the credit card, and just hope and pray we are able to make the monthly payments, and hope and pray that the monthly payments we struggle to make will be worth it.
Tomorrow I will start my birth control pills to supress my ovaries from making any more eggs until it's time.
And hopefully soon we get our baseline appointments, a time line of everything that is going to happen.
Everyone, please pray for us that God will ease our pain tonight, and for the next how ever many nights it takes.
Thank you for the support.
What kind of wife am I that on my husband's birthday, I make him curl up into a ball, hide under a snowman pillow, and cry his eyes out in pain, for yet another fatherhood dream shattered?
What have I done wrong to get this kind of life?
What kind of person am I that God is making me be this kind of wife?
Why cant we be parents as easily as those all around us? Will we not be good enough? Are we being punished for something? What have we done to deserve so much pain and heartache in our lives? Why cant God just take away the desire and ease it all? Or better yet, let us accomplish the greatest thing in life.
Some of you know, some of you dont, that Nick and I went through another IUI 2 weeks ago. It was out last attempt before moving onto IVF, and today we were proved that it didnt work. We did 3 vials, perfect timing. Obviously, to God, not the perfect time. And I dont and cant and wont understand.
Tomorrow I call the IVF clinic and put thousands of $ on the credit card, and just hope and pray we are able to make the monthly payments, and hope and pray that the monthly payments we struggle to make will be worth it.
Tomorrow I will start my birth control pills to supress my ovaries from making any more eggs until it's time.
And hopefully soon we get our baseline appointments, a time line of everything that is going to happen.
Everyone, please pray for us that God will ease our pain tonight, and for the next how ever many nights it takes.
Thank you for the support.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
6 Nov 2007
Today, 8 years ago, Nick and I went on our first date. It was November 6th, 1999. Nick was 18 years old and I was 15. Little did we know, it really was love. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel so lucky. When I really think about it, I am left in just pure amazement. Its amazing...how we started, then how we were ripped apart, and then sent back to each other and all that we have been through in our marriage trying to create a precious life made through love. Amazing. Just simply, amazing.
Only thing to report is that AF came today finally after being 4 days late. Only 2 times have I been 4 days late, and once was when I was pregnant. Stupid 3itch. Oh well. I have my saline sonogram on the 15th. If you dont remember, thats when they shove a deflated balloon up through the cervix, then inflate it with ink inside the uterus then deflate it and the ink flow through the fallopian tubes. And yes, its as painful as it sounds. And no, Nick is not allowed in the room with me to hold my hand. Yay. But then, after the sonogram we can begin IVF!!! Don't ask me how we are going to pay for it.
Only thing to report is that AF came today finally after being 4 days late. Only 2 times have I been 4 days late, and once was when I was pregnant. Stupid 3itch. Oh well. I have my saline sonogram on the 15th. If you dont remember, thats when they shove a deflated balloon up through the cervix, then inflate it with ink inside the uterus then deflate it and the ink flow through the fallopian tubes. And yes, its as painful as it sounds. And no, Nick is not allowed in the room with me to hold my hand. Yay. But then, after the sonogram we can begin IVF!!! Don't ask me how we are going to pay for it.
Friday, August 24, 2007
24 AUGUST 2007
5 Years ago today we got married. Crazy. I woke up a card and Im sure more later when Nick gets home. We always exchange gifts and then go out to dinner. Not sure where we are going. I wanted him to wake up to a card also but last night I totally forgot. When Nick said its bed time, I was just so happy to get to bed, and it didnt even cross my mind. A few days ago I had thought about putting a card on his car so he would see it before he went to work, but dang it, I forgot. Isnt it usually the guy who forgets things like that? Oh well...he will just have 2 cards to open later today. I will share a slide show with you all. I posted it on my myspace but most of you here on my blog dont have a myspace, so I will share here too. Sorry for those who already saw it.
Other news, I purchased our spermmies yesterday. I was so sure our favorite donor wasnt going to be avilable. Several days ago someone had told me there were only 2 IUI vials so I was so sure they would have been sold. Nope, so I bought 1 for our next and possibly last try. I sure hope it works. I really do.
And Deena reminded me...Nope, Jones Instititue has not contacted me. I emailed the lady and she told me that my paperwork has been recieved and its being reviewed and she would call me when they were finished. That was 2 weeks ago yesterday. She wouldnt tell me how long it would take, so if I dont hear anything by next week, I will call instead of email and maybe I will get more info from her. If this IUI doesnt work next month I would like to have a head start on egg donation to get some cash for IVF.
Click here for slide show or copy and paste into your browser.
http://www.slide.com/r/zGu9AWzX2j9PX4y28DBIgb_-I7eS1meE?previous_view=mscd_embedded_url&view=original
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
22 Aug 2007
Thanks to Tammy for inspiring me to post more pics...hehe. Although they arent family pics, just random ones. Sorry for those who dont like pics.
My first ever Wordless Wednesday...sorta. Just some great memories. Click the pic to see if large.
Nick and I, ages 15 and 18, 1999.
One of my favorite trips, London, England. This is Tower Bridge.
Our beloved Tigger, rip.
Our very first house together between a grocery store and a snack bar. ( You can see me in the driveway with my car ) in Pordenone, Italy.
My first ever Wordless Wednesday...sorta. Just some great memories. Click the pic to see if large.
Nick and I, ages 15 and 18, 1999.
One of my favorite trips, London, England. This is Tower Bridge.
Our beloved Tigger, rip.
Our very first house together between a grocery store and a snack bar. ( You can see me in the driveway with my car ) in Pordenone, Italy.
Friday, May 04, 2007
4 May 2007
I know Nick reads my blog when he gets the chance. I havent written much about him on here lately and he probably wonders why. It's hard for me to express my feelings into words when the feelings I have are so undescribable.
I know Im going to ruin this for him...but I picked out a card today at Walmart and I cant wait for him to read what is on the card so Im going to type it on here for him to read, and then he can read it again on the card when he gets it in the mail.
I'm thinking of you today...
thinking of how much I miss you
and wish you were here with me.
I'm thinking about the closeness we share
and all the good times
we've spent together.
Of course, memories will never be
as good as having you here,
but they help me feel a little closer to you
while we're apart.
I can't imagine anything
I'd enjoy more
than being with you right now...
because everything seems more special
when I', sharing it with you.
You're so important to me,
and that's a feeling
that neither time nor distance will ever change.
When we're apart,
I realize even more
how much I appreciate you...
how happy I always am
whenever we're together.
I'm wishing you that same kind
of happiness today...
because I care so much about you.
Please remember that...
and as you go abotu your day,
please remember, too...
how very much I miss you.
-Diana Manning
Oh, and I found a dress! I saw it Kolh's those few days ago when I was there. I tried it on and it fit me perfect. But I didnt want to pay 30 bucks for it, being the thrifty person that I am. Later that night was our "date" chat night on messenger so I went to Kolhs website and found it and sent him the link. He said to buy it now. So I went back and the only dress that was in my size was still there. I guess it was meant to be mine.
http://www.kohls.com/products/product_page_vanilla2.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=432414467&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=330751547&bmUID=1178306225135
I love that store.
I quit doing my temps. I am tired of the ups and downs, of waking up at 5 am, and wondering if I O'ed, or if it's AF on the way. So I quit. When AF shows, I will temp again like I did last cycle.
Tomorrow is my Pooh Bear's 6th birthday. I cant believe is going to be 6 years old already. He not just a cat to me, I love him so much and couldnt imagine a house a home without him.
I know Im going to ruin this for him...but I picked out a card today at Walmart and I cant wait for him to read what is on the card so Im going to type it on here for him to read, and then he can read it again on the card when he gets it in the mail.
I'm thinking of you today...
thinking of how much I miss you
and wish you were here with me.
I'm thinking about the closeness we share
and all the good times
we've spent together.
Of course, memories will never be
as good as having you here,
but they help me feel a little closer to you
while we're apart.
I can't imagine anything
I'd enjoy more
than being with you right now...
because everything seems more special
when I', sharing it with you.
You're so important to me,
and that's a feeling
that neither time nor distance will ever change.
When we're apart,
I realize even more
how much I appreciate you...
how happy I always am
whenever we're together.
I'm wishing you that same kind
of happiness today...
because I care so much about you.
Please remember that...
and as you go abotu your day,
please remember, too...
how very much I miss you.
-Diana Manning
Oh, and I found a dress! I saw it Kolh's those few days ago when I was there. I tried it on and it fit me perfect. But I didnt want to pay 30 bucks for it, being the thrifty person that I am. Later that night was our "date" chat night on messenger so I went to Kolhs website and found it and sent him the link. He said to buy it now. So I went back and the only dress that was in my size was still there. I guess it was meant to be mine.
http://www.kohls.com/products/product_page_vanilla2.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=432414467&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=330751547&bmUID=1178306225135
I love that store.
I quit doing my temps. I am tired of the ups and downs, of waking up at 5 am, and wondering if I O'ed, or if it's AF on the way. So I quit. When AF shows, I will temp again like I did last cycle.
Tomorrow is my Pooh Bear's 6th birthday. I cant believe is going to be 6 years old already. He not just a cat to me, I love him so much and couldnt imagine a house a home without him.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
3 April 2007
So in love....
As much as I hate deployments, it's all worth it. Months before actual "D Day", I dread it. I go on everyday trying not to think about it, trying to forget it. Trying to forget it so we can make the best of the time we have left.
Months after actual "D Day", I am content with the fact that we will be apart. As hard as it, as empty as I feel, as much I hurt everyday, as little sleep as I get, as bored I am, as painful as it is, as much as a I ache, I know deployments are good for our marraige.
We never take our perfect marriage for granted and have or never will. We know how lucky we are. We just get caught up with every day life, and the emotions of trying to conceive, and the exhaustion Nick feels after work.
Every single day, he comes home, drops his boots, and hops in the shower. Thats when I start working on dinner. He tells me about his day, I bring dinner to the coffee table in front of where Nick plopped himself on the couch, at about 5 p.m. Then we go on eating while Im glued to the t.v. because he is glued to his laptop chatting and reading about cars. This goes on for 5 hours a day, then we go to bed.
Deployments break us of that every day habit. Being apart makes us want to be together. It makes us want to be a couple more. It breaks us of being that old married couple who dont have to say much to each other to know how each other feels. Deployments allow us to love each other more.
Deployments give us a slap in the face and tell us to cuddle more, to kiss more, to look at each other more, to say I love you more. Time apart allows us to realize how great our marriage is and how much more we want to spend every second of every day together, because you dont live forever. We realize how perfect each other is. Even when I dont take out the trash for days at a time and it starts to smell, even when Nick throws his dirty clothes beside the laundry basket and not IN the laundry basket. We love each other, and that comes with the flaws to.
Which during deployment, the flaws is what we miss most. The things that annoy us, we miss.
Deployments turn us into teenagers again. We get butterflies in our tummys. Distance makes us that much more strong, that much more in love, that much more inseperable.
We are so in love.
Monday, March 12, 2007
12 March 2007
5 years ago today, Nick asked me to marry him. It was about 4 am in the morning, he had just gotten back to Germany after spending almost 2 weeks with me, and he was drunk. LOL! He one that lets emotions flow under the influence. I love it. I cant believe its been 5 years but at the same time I feel like it's been longer and I can hardly remember life before being married. I often wonder how I got so incredbily lucky to have him. It's amazing.
Today I am 5 weeks and 1 day, or gestational age is 22 days. Above is a picture of what baby looks like today, and this week. I cant believe that a little baby that looks like that is floating around my uterus. What a miracle life is. If baby's heart didnt start to beat yesterday, it will today.
Days 10-29. The developing embryo signals its presence through placental chemicals and hormones, preventing the mother from menstruating. During these three weeks, first the brain, spinal cord and nervous system are formed, the heart begins to beat and muscles, limbs, ears and eyes begin to show.
I just feel so lucky today. I cant get over it! I'm so lucky in life and in love. I cant wait until Nick gets home. We got half of March left, April, May and a little bit in June. It's going by fast and I hope it continues to.
Oh yeah...CONGRATS DRENA ON YOUR NEW PUPPY! I knew it had to happen for a reason. Im glad I get to see her again!
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