I don't even know where to begin with this post. But I do know I need to blog about it. Im going to be talking about some really personal issues here. Some might read this and wonder why the heck I would blog about this, here where anyone can read it. Others might think this is good for me. Blogging is good for me. I'm not a very open person in person, so here I can be open. Here my friends can give me their thoughts and here I can always feel not so alone.
My childhood has indeed affected the type of person I have become as 26 year old adult. In so many ways I am thankful for the childhood, or lack there of, that I did have because it has made me the person I am today. But there are a few areas that I wish could have been different.
In the positive ways it has made me a great mother. I think it has made me a mother. If my Dad wasn't a truck driver, if my Mom didn't work the night shift at Walmart, I would not have been at home stuck 'mothering' my 10 years younger sister. I hated it then. I am thankful and at times miss that now. Because I took care of and raised her basically, it made me want to be a mother at a very young age. After 6 months of being married I was ready (or so I thought) to become a Mom and so we started trying. (Thank GOD that didn't work out)
In the negative ways my childhood has robbed me of some things. Things that would come natural to anyone else. I lack some things. BIG things. I lack it as a Mother and a wife and its effecting my marriage.
What is this big thing you ask?
Three simple words. I love you. I'm unable to say it freely and naturally. This by no means that I do not love the person I cannot say these word too. I know, this must sound stupid. Let me explain.
As a child, I remember ONE time when my mother told me she loved me. It was not long after my sister was born. My Mom came into my room and told me that just because there was a new baby in the house it didn't mean that she didn't love me any less. She asked me if I thought she loved me, and honestly I said no. I had to be 10 years old then. I never in my life felt my Mom loved me as her daughter, but more like her friend. The one other time I remember her telling me she loved me was when I was 18, newly married and at the airport saying goodbye to her, on my way to run off to Italy to be with my husband.
My Father, the times he told me he loved me was even less. I don't remember hearing this one single time. During my parents divorce when I was 18, I read it in emails, but it was written in a very spiteful way. Not a fatherly, honest way.
Hugs from my parents, I remember my Mom once and my Dad once. My Mom again when I was saying goodbye at the airport. My Dad the summer Kayla was born. It was August 2008. I hadn't seen him since 2002 when I was getting my sister's bike out of the trunk of my Mom's car. We were meeting him in a parking lot of Red Lobster because it was his weekend to have her. The last time I saw him he called me a very bad name. My Mom was dating at the time a black guy so he preceded to call me a $igger loving $itch just like her. He pointed at me in my face and said, "I don't want to be at your wedding, $Uck you." So, I said, "Good, I don't want you there acting like THIS!" That was the last time I saw him, until Kayla was born. He and I met half way between his home in NJ and my in law's home in PA so I could pick up my sister to spend a couple weeks with her. He got out of his truck and hugged me. I hugged back. It was the one and only hug I can remember.
All through my childhood, my parents never showed affection towards each other, towards me, or towards my sister. My parents barely even talked to each other. If they did it was a fight. My parents never complimented me. To this day, at 26 years old when I get compliments, it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to react or respond to it. My parents never told me I was doing a good job at anything in life. I remember getting B's and C's in school and even a few A's here and there on a report card one time. My Dad came home to my Mom and I reading it at the kitchen table and all he could say was, "You got C's?" Dude, at least I was going to school. He was/is an 8th grade school drop out and cant spell the word, cat. Seriously. I was really upset. But I just hid it. Pushed it under the carpet and pressed on. I was never told I was doing a good job at work or at school, because all through high school I juggled both, along with taking care of my sister and having a boyfriend most of the time. I was never told I was pretty. To this day I don't see what my husband sees in me as far as looks. I have no confidence. My parents never instilled confidence in me for anything.
I remember as child, going to a friends house and seeing her parents on the couch together holding hands and then they kissed each other. I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. I enjoyed going to her house to eat dinner a few days a week because they actually sat at the table like a real family. Something I didn't have. At my house, it was get what you want when you want and eat where ever you want. 99% of the time it was just my sister and I because Dad wasn't home and Mom was sleeping. I would make us grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, and hot dogs. Those were our favorites. My sister tells me today that I made the best hot dogs in the world.
Anyways, my point of explaining this all to you is that because of all this, I struggle day to day with these 3 simple words and it hurts my husbands feelings termedously. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than what I can give to him in my opinion. I don't randomly hug him. I don't randomly kiss him. I don't randomly tell him I love him. I only do these things when he initiates them and I HATE that. HATE isn't even a strong enough word for this. I never did do these things. He just didn't notice it before. But now, almost 8 years into our marriage it has become a problem. And I don't know how to fix it.
I live every single day very conscious and trying so hard not to do the things my 'Mother' did. Or to do the things she did NOT do. Every single day.
When Kayla was a baby I had to practice telling her that I love her. How pathetic is that? This by no means in any way means that I don't love her or love her less because of how became a family. It all comes from childhood. Nick deployed when Kayla was 7 months old. Prior to that, I never told her I loved her and every single day it would eat at me. I did love her. Why couldn't I tell her? When Nick left I thought this was the perfect time to practice. And by the time he came home hopefully I would be 'fixed' and I could tell her and him that I loved them with no problem. I first would start out telling Kayla, "Mama loves you". Not I love you. That was too big of a step. Eventually over the 7 months that was gone I worked up to I love you. I worked up me being able to tell her how pretty she is, how good she is, how smart she is.
Now with Caden being 6 months old, I'm having the same issues all over again. I'm going to have to practice all over again. Why do I have to be like this? What is wrong with me?
Why cant I just tell people I love, that I love them, like normal people?
I love my sister so much, yet I have NEVER told her. And she has never told me, although I know she does. Its like a mutual silent. 'i love you' between the 2 of us. Over the winter when Caden was born and I was staying with my in laws waiting on his passport, my sister came to stay with me for 5 days. We talked about how she is not able to hug anyone, or tell anyone she loves them. My heart sank when I heard this because I don't want her to turn out like me and struggle with these issues as an adult. Its not fair.
I've only just now begun to be able to tell my Great Grandparents I love you on the phone before they say it first. That took 26 years.
Ive only now just began to SOMETIMES tell my mother in law I love you on the phone first before she does. But I have to make a conscious effort and force myself to say it first whenever I do say it first.
Last week talking on the phone with our birth mother she told me she loved us all before the conversation ended. Could I say it back to her? Nope. It wouldn't come out. I felt so stupid and selfish and broken after I hung up the phone. What the $$$$ is wrong with me? Of course I love her. She gave us 2 gifts that mere words can not explain. Of course I love her.
I want to fix this but don't know how. I want to be able to walk up to my husband after he's had a long day at work and welcome him home with a big hug, like Kayla does. I want to be able to look at him and kiss him when I feel the urge. I want to tell him I love him because him just knowing isn't enough. Its not enough. He deserves more than that, but more than him just deserving more than that, I do love him and I am his wife, so why cant I just do it?
I'm so angry at parents for all this. At the same time it scares me. I haven't heard from my mother since 2005. She knows she has grandchildren but does not care. She even stopped visiting with my Great Grandparents because she didn't want to see the pictures of us all over her house. How can one just cut off their children and go on like they do not even exist on this earth? I honestly thought I was OK with her not being in my life. I keep telling myself that is her loss, not mine. But really, I do have a loss here. I don't have a mother. Yes, I have my mother in law. She is and has been more of a mother to me in the last 11 years then my own mother has been to me in my entire life. But, it still hurts that my own mother doesn't love me enough to be a part of my life. As much as it is HER loss, it still hurts ME.
I don't know how to fix this. The only thing I can come up with is, 'baby steps.' Just like I practiced with Kayla over the 7 month deployment, I guess I need to practice with my own husband and son. How sad is that? I feel like a broken human being.
Monday, August 16, 2010
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Oh Michelle. This broke my heart and I have tears in my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI'm angry at your parents for putting you through this....for making you feel like a 'broken human being' when you are far from that. The love you've shown through the years for your husband and your children is amazing.
Has Nick read this? I would suggest he read this and your sister. I really think that would help them to understand. And save it for the kids to read. So, they will know how much their precious mom had to endure and how strong she is and has been to be the special mom she is now.
I wish I had easy answers for you sweetie. I wish things would've been better growing up for you. It's not fair at all.
If you need me, I'm here for you. E-mail me anytime. (((HUGS)))
This brought tears to my eyes, too. I am so, so sorry for all the pain you've carried inside for all this time. Like twondra, I am angry at your parents for making you feel like this, because like she said, you are FAR, FAR, FAR away from a broken human being. Your love for others is evident in all that you do...even without the words.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing you should be ashamed of because you need to work at saying the words I love you to your family. I know saying those precious words is important to you, but you are working toward that goal. Maybe just set a small goal of saying the words to Caden once a day and Nick and your sister once a week. Show them this post. Then keep upping your number when you feel comfortable. Until then, write notes to the ones you love while you learn.
I know that I can't simply wipe all of this away for you (although I would love to for you), but I am here if you need to vent or talk about whatever.
Much love to you...
yep, sitting here crying too.
ReplyDeleteOH BEANNIE!!!!! I wish I knew. It's amazing how well you hid it. I knew the whole time something was going on, but i never thought it was that. I never brought it up because we always had good times.
Girl you are sooooo full of love. You constantly give of yourself. You are noble, which is a rare jem to find.
You love those kiddos like no one else. You are a great wife. Your kids are sooooo happy and you have a great husband. Your family is a success because of YOU. You created that.... you have been blessed with that.
We are all "broken" in one way or another, but learn from it and keep pressing on. Look at the amazing change you have made into those little darlings' lives.
Remember when you were going thru Caden's adoption? Remember we talked? I remember you were stressed to the max and you felt as if you were alone.
Bean..... you are never alone, anymore. You have us. I've always been here and will be here so long as i;m here.
Don't doubt yourself. You made it. Celebrate your success, celebrate your family, the life you have made for yourself.
You have no idea how much I wish we lived closer..... (wiping my eyes)..... I wish I wasn't missing out on so much. But someday....someday, we'll be closer! I look forward to it.
Bean - I love your girl. I wish i could be there to give you a BIG hug..... and then we could eat some gelato .....as we watch the kiddies play!
Michelle you are an awesome woman.
I've known that for YEARS! Love ya babes!!!
Very brave of you Michelle to open up like that. My hubby grew up military and not many hugs or 'I love you's' went around. It made a huge difference in him when we met since I was surrounded by that as a child and still as an adult. I am sure with time you will come around. You are a dear soul and SO deserving of both giving and receiving this love! Just let it happen and it will. :)
ReplyDeleteI could almost write this post myself. My parents rarely said "i love you" out loud and rarely hugged me. Even to this day it feels weird when they do. My mom mostly only hugs me when other people are around, so I'm fairly sure it is just for show. I believe my dad does love me but he doesn't know how to communicate. My dad was a bit of a wild child and was still a wild child at 24 when I was born. My mom, I do not really believe that she even likes me. In fact I'm sure she despises me. Any "good" feelings she has towards me are simply "obligation" because I am her child.
ReplyDeleteOne of the reasons my losses have hit me so hard is because I hoped to have my own family someday where we were close and said "I love you" and hugged and spent time together because we wanted to not just because we had to. I wanted a mother-daughter relationship because even though I lived with my mother for 19 years, I never had a mother-daughter relationship with her.
Anyway, since you are conscious of your 'fault', you will have the ability to change it. I think you can do it, because you WANT to. I wish you all the best!! I can tell from your blog posts that you DO love your kids and your husband, so don't ever worry about that. :)
Dude, I wouldn't be stalking you blog all of the time if I thought that you were heartless. Sorry, I'm don't cry but I feel for you anyway. I say I love you all of the time and I'm constantly hugging. I almost said it to my boss the other day at the end of our phone conversation. That would have been awkward.
ReplyDeleteYes, even if it feels weird for you to say it to your kids, say it anyway, a lot! Even more than a lot. Because being the good Mother that I know you are, you don't want them to go through the same thing that you are experiencing now. "Just Do It"!
I can't wait to meet you one day. I'm going to run up to you, give you a big hug and say that I Love You. Don't feel that you have to respond, I do that to everybody. Especially the ones who hate hugging. The look on their faces, priceless.
No go tell those kids that you love them. That's an order.
Your Friend, m.
So the first step in change is being able to see what it is you want to change and then to have a desire to change it. Do you have insurance that allows for a counselor? If so looking for someone might be a good plan. If it doesn't seem to fit don't give up. It can be hard sometimes to find the right fit in a counselor. Good luck sweetie and I hope that this is just the beginning of a path to lots of love out loud for you.
ReplyDeleteAw girl, this almost made me cry! You are very beautiful and and a wonderful mommy. I dont even know you except throught FB, Blogging and Nick (kind of)...but I can tell you are a wonderful person in every way. We all have our issues, good or bad. You know you love Nick and your babies...dont think about it, just say it. LOL They know you love them too. Actions speak louder than words most of the time. You are there every day w/ your family and do the best you can. Baby steps might be what works. Hang in there and dont think about too much, just go w/ what your heart tell you.
ReplyDelete(( hug ))
ReplyDeleteremember it is our whole life experiences that have made us who we are- led us to where we are. if that helps at all... knowing that where you are now in life and who is in your life now, is a reflection of the path it took which led you there.
hang in there. in time, wounds heal.
you are aware of yourself as your post indicated, and you are trying to correct the issue by voicing it out and trying. that is all one can do. like you said, baby steps.
life is a journey. of self discovery with some reflection but with that one can use it to move forward one foot at a time. sometimes confronting your issues do help lead to better days.
sidenote* i dont think our adopt blog is updating in your sidebar? i dont see it? and you are one of our three:) followers.
Hey Michelle, my wife, Kathryn sent me over. Your post was very well-written and heartfelt. I can identify with quite a bit of what you are saying and then I'm the opposite in some ways. Before our little girl arrived I was certain I'd not be able to bond with her but told myself she'd have Kathryn at least and that would be enough for awhile.
ReplyDeleteI practice also and after awhile it does make a difference.
Not sure what I can say that might help but wanted to say something. Not processing very quickly these days, but trying.
Thinking of you, H.
Michelle..
ReplyDeleteI read this and my heart aches for you...=( I have never had to deal with this myself..I can't imagine what you are going through. But I thought I would try and give you an idea..can you use the sign language for I love you? Or can you say I heart you? Just my ideas...I am here for you if you need to talk EVER...I can say I LOVE YOU my online buddy!!
michelle, i am balling my eyes out reading this because i thought something was wrong with me. words my heart want to say but wont come out of my mouth no matter how hard i try. i thought i was the only one tht had these issues. as many times as i wanted to hug my dad and tell him i love him ....i never could. its too hard. and i dont have a clue why. i dont have trouble showing affection or saying i love you to my boyfriends or friends. its only family. its only family i can not handle. and i dont know why. i feel some source of comfort knowing im not the only one going through this type of situation. i dont even wanna begin to think about that woman that doesnt even deserve to be called our mother. when i think of her i think of the rage and fury i saw from her towards me every day. she told me to my face she couldnt stand to look at me because i look like a spitting image of my father. she beat me, strangled me to the point where i would go in the basement and sit in the corner and cry and cover my mouth and scream silently. i prayed to god every single day that my life would somehow get better. i cried her ears off untill she couldnt take it anymore all i wanted to do was get out of there and i did everything in my power to do that. and i thank god every day for getting me out of there. if i didnt i would have ran away. i would rather have slept on the streets of harrisburg with a chance of being killed than live in that house for one more day. i always wonder....why me? whyyyyy me? but everything happens for a reason right?
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are struggling dear cyber sister. All anyone has to do is look at those babies and it is obvious they are children who know without a doubt they are loved. Your love shines down on them in every picture. I hope you are able to talk to Nick about this. I think he'd understand.
ReplyDelete~HUGGGGS~
Michelle, I haven't posted on here before, but I've been following your journey since your time on the NW boards. Please don't take what I'm going to say in the wrong way, it is meant with love and concern for a clearly wonderful mother and wife (you!) You shouldn't be dealing with such a big, soul wrenching problem alone. It sounds like you need to go and talk to a therapist about these family issues, as it is having a real affect on you and your loved ones. There is nothing wrong with therapy - it is not about being crazy, or being desperate, or any insult about you - therapists are highly trained specialists who help people deal with their wounds. You have a terrible wound, and you are grown up enough to realize it and want to change it, but this stuff doesn't change through just wanting to - it's a wound. Like when our bodies are broken, we go see a doctor, when it's an emotional and psyche wound, we need to go and see a specialist to help us. It doesn't sound like you need a lot of therapy - you have nearly everything under control, and are living a terrific life, being a wonderful mom and a loving wife, even though you find it difficult to express verbally. It probably wouldn't take many visits at all! So again, please don't be offended, I don't think you're crazy, I just think you're going through something alone when there's no need to - people dedicate their lives to helping with this stuff! More power to you, Michelle - you've made a huge step by declaring it as an issue, and I think by stating it on your blog, you're reaching out to really try and fix it. That's very brave, and very strong, and you are already on the path to changing the problem. Good on you!
ReplyDeleteMichelle,
ReplyDeleteRight now, you may feel uncomfortable saying the words, "i love you," but you certainly do not lack in showing your love to your hubby and kids. Trust me, they know you love them with all your heart, in everything you do. Your actions speak loud and clear!
Just reading your blog and seeing how you put so much caring and love into the simple things like arranging their bedrooms, setting up beautiful birthday parties, and creating such loving care packages for the birth mom. Heck, even the fact that you are still thinking of the birthmom and birth dads, and making sure to let them know how appreciative you are of them is HUGE.
YOU ARE A LOVING and CARING WOMAN!
The heck with the words, you have the actions...the words will come when you are ready. Some people just say the words and have no action to back it up. But, not you.
I am so sorry for your parents treating you the way they did. But here is your second chance to break that cycle.
You have Kayla and Caden, and you can raise them in the loving and supportive way you didn't have. You can do it, Mama! I have faith in you.