KEEP BELIEVING

This  Sunday evening, our church, Harvester Christian in St. Charles, MO, was hosting a concert all about worship this Holiday Season. As the messages have focused on Christmas, - preparing for the arrival, giving gifts, and today, WORSHIP, the church offered a Christmas worship and praise session with the hope of just glorifying God and offering praise this Holiday Season to get us in the TRUE Christmas Spirit.

I informed the boyz we were going. They weren't exactly thrilled, but they weren't exactly resistant either.

On our way there, as they were commenting about being at church for the second time that weekend and the 4th time in 8 days, I said, the reason we are going is because we tend to get so caught up at Christmas with getting gifts and giving gifts and shopping and everything else that we forget about why we have Christmas at all.

We passed a house just up the street that has my all time favorite yard decoration. It is cut out of Santa with his hat off kneeling in front of a baby in a manger. I said, THAT is why we are going to church tonight. THAT is the Christmas spirit we need to have.

I explained that how humbling Easter is - when we remember how Christ was brutally killed to pay the penalty for our sins - yet Christmas is a time when we should be so much more humble. That God came to Earth as Jesus as a baby. That he was GOD and was capable of doing ANYTHING HE WANTED and ANYTHING HE COULD, but he came as a baby to understand us and to help us understand Him. THat he messed his diaper and cried and was a toddler but was going to some day save the world! I said how I wished the Bible talked more about how Jesus was as a child. That one day he was the same age as them and had the same issues they have with friends and stuff but was GOD and in the middle of that could have done ANYTHING, but he loved us so SOOOO much he became one of us anyway. That he let himself fall down and skin his knees and stub his toes and do all the things babies and then kids do. WOW. Isn't that amazing? Let's go to church tonight and worship Him because of this amazing gift.

Grant said, "I know one thing. If you died and Jesus was our parent, he would probably let us open one of those presents under the tree early or allow us to go to Dairy Queen (next door to church) after we worshipped Him tonight."

Feeling rather defeated from trying to get a point across, but also admiring his wit and determination, I asked which he would choose if Jesus was his parent. He said, "Well, since I don't really want to waste your money on ice cream we could get at home and since this is a privlege to do early. I think He would allow me and Gavin to open one of the presents to both of us. I would choose that. Wouldn't you, Gavin?" Gavin agreed.

They praised Jesus in their own beautiful ways at church. Gavin - through the awkward, puberty-inflicted "Im-not-sure-who-I-want-you-to-see-who-I-am" phase - tight lipped, occassional head on my shoulder, barely audible singing. Grant - through the - "mom-needs-to-hear-me-and-believe-I-am-sincere-because-I-really-want-to-open-that-gift", yet, "I-am-still-a-kid-and-I-am-not-ashamed-to-sing-as-loud-as-I-can" worship voice explaining to me all the songs they had recently sung in kids church and all the kids in the audience tonight that he recognized. I loved every minute of it. I know Jesus is pleased by worship and that He knows the motives of a heart and who is worshipping Him with a pure heart. I know Gavin and Grant's motives were pure beneath it all.

As we left, Grant inquired- "How did I do? I sang every song. And you know what? That was actually kind of fun. I enjoyed it."

They are now home playing NHL12 (won't buy NHL13 due to strike season) for the XBox - a new addition to their collection after opening it from under the tree tonight.

Judge me. I don't care. It was a great night.

KEEP BELIEVING

I was mowing the lawn the other day. In doing so, I stopped the mower no less than a dozen times to pluck out of the yard, 3 practice golf balls, a tennis racket, Nerf darts, a batman cape, 1-1/2 pairs of socks, a shovel, a football, 2 plastic cups, and a dismembered Power Ranger. And I was growing increasingly frustrated each time I had to stop the lawn mower to pick up the next item in my way. Until I realized that in just a few years, when I mow the lawn, there will no longer be 3 practice golf balls, a tennis racket, Nerf darts, a batman cape, 1-1/2 pairs of socks, a shovel, a football, 2 plastic cups, and a dismembered Power Ranger in my yard to pick up.

KEEP BELIEVING

Okay. So, per my very wise mother-in-law's suggestion, I did not make a big deal about or even mention the break up with the boyfriend to the boyz. She suggested to let them lead. Wait to see if and when they mentioned him and then casually mention that we are making time for new friends and haven't had a lot of time to see each other anymore because of that. If I make a big deal about it, I have created another loss for them.

Let me preface this by telling you one of the reasons for my timing of breaking up was that I thought I was witnessing a bond forming and I realized that if I was having this many doubts, then I needed to stop before the bond developed further and my children started to identify with him as a potential father figure. Although, as my and their counselors have told me, even the mention of a date to them will subconsciously begin that kind of an identification to two little boyz who don't have a dad. It is a tough position to be in as far as dating goes, but it is what it is and that is our life. I handle it the best I know how.

Okay, so nearly 3 weeks went by without the boyz having any contact with the boyfriend and mommy mentioning him at all. Nearly 3 weeks, and they never once mentioned him either. So the bond that I thought was digging roots deep into the ground was really more surface level than I had understood. I was very glad to see that and I learned a lesson about ensuring my feelings a bit more before I introduced someone into their life. However, in my situation, it is difficult to see if the entire dynamic will work without introducting them into the mix SOME. They are part of the entire Angie package. They do not go away every other weekend and on Thursdays. They are with me 100% of the time. You can't love ALL THIS without loving ALL THAT, too. Again, it is what it is. And I realize it is a lot.

Then they finally asked. I played it off exactly as I intended to very casually and VERY calmly and very vaguely. But, they are smart little cookies and I knew them well enough to expect more questions. They asked many questions about if I was EVER going to go out with him again or ever going to see him again and if I was going to marry him. I said, "No boyz, mommy isn't going to marry him." We talked a bit about what dating is and how you get to know someone and determine if and when you want to keep dating this person to possibly marry some day and if and when you stop because you realize you don't.

Grant finally said, "Well, you have to get married to SOMEONE."

Thinking he was insulting my ability to continue to do it all, I said, "No I don't. We are doing just fine. We are getting by and having a good time. We are doing good just the 3 of us. Why do you say that?"

"Because I WANT A DADDY."

I'm sorry, excuse me, ooops, sorry. I 'm just gonna bend down and pick that up. I just found a few more pieces of my shattered heart. It keeps shattering every time I mentally repeat that.

He said it a few more times almost like a temper-tantrum-throwing toddler.

I'll just keep trying out my best kung fu and watching more Star Wars.

In two days time this week, I have witnessed a couple of instances of fairy-talish happily ever after via mainstream media - the season finale of the Bachelor and the Tooth Fairy movie. And both of them set the wrong way with me.



Let me start by telling you I LOATHE the Bachelor. I detest every single solitary second of the pining away over the ever-so-difficult decision of being in love with two different girls at the same time. DUDE! IF YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH TWO GIRLS AT THE SAME TIME, THEN YOU ARE NOT REALLY IN LOVE WITH EITHER OF THEM!!!! And by the way, what got you there was NOT REAL. It was in front of a camera. It was in a tropical or other paradise. It was all expenses paid. It is NOT REAL LIFE!!! So, how can you know whether or not you love this person when you come home from work each day? How can you know if you love this person after they look like crap and were lying on the couch sick all day? How can you know if you love this person when you have to cancel plans because something else came up and you totally let them down? YOU CAN’T!! I hate the freaking show. Because it is about as UNREALISTIC as it gets regarding love and relationships today.



Yet millions flock to watch this show and make judgments on the girls’ character, values, etc. based on what a few biased producers/editors want to show them based on the fact that THEY are looking to make money with the show. So, YES, they are going to make a couple girls look like total Bee’s with itches in order to boost some ratings. Because February? Is a SWEEPS month for television. And high ratings in SWEEPS months equals big bucks for advertising on that station next year.



Some of the millions that flock to this show are my girlfriends. So, for the last two years, we have had BACHELOR parties to watch the season finale. Last year, I wore my wedding veil and shoes and pearls to mock my friends. This year, I hosted the party. I’ve lost about 10 pounds since last year. So, this is how I hosted:

A couple of others joined in the fun including a surprise visit from Napoleon Dynamite. He noticed I was drinking 1% milk. He asked if it was because I thought I was fat. Cuz I’m not. He said I could drink whole if I wanted. He’s so smooth.







The second fairy-tale I experienced was taking the boyz to see the Tooth Fairy. (Spoiler Alert) This movie is based on an aging, brut hockey player who is trying to woo Ashley Judd as he dates her. She wants to see how he interacts with her two kids including a middle-school son and a daughter at tooth-losing, tooth-fairy believing age. I would say 6ish. He is sentenced by the fairies to do tooth fairy duty for a couple weeks due to his constant crushing of dreams by telling kids to aim low and that their chances of making it big are slim, etc. because that is his own experience in life.



My issue with this movie isn’t the fairy aspect or the shrinking paste or the amnesia dust or invisibility spray or the random disappearing into a swirling colorful vortex. My issue with this movie isn’t even an issue I would have had 6 months ago. My issue with this movie is taking my boyz to see it and wondering what goes through their minds, wondering if they caught on to the happily-ever-after theme of a man trying to woo a single mom with kids who had no apparent father figure in their life (no mention of Dad at all), a man who had little interest in the boy at first, but gradually (after two whole encounters) assumed the role of mentor and encourager in the boy’s life. I wondered what went through their minds as they saw this man who was obviously smitten with the beautiful mom become just as smitten with the kids and develop into a part of the kids lives.



All before the 2-week tooth fairy sentence was over.



It is obviously a sign of the time of my life when the largest concern I have over a movie is whether or not my boyz are buying into the “happily ever after” concept as it pertains to their own situation. I just don’t want to feed them any unrealistic expectations. I worry about what they think is going to happen next in their lives.



I notice how they so badly crave adult male attention – so much so that they act like idiots when they do get it. They really don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to help them. It breaks my heart.


So I wonder how they process watching TV or movies where the parents are not married or a parent is not present (hello Disney movies) and what events unfold in the characters' lives.



Gavin randomly mentions that I should just get married again. According to him, I’d be less sad, there would be someone else to help me and he would have someone to play catch with and wrestle around with. Someone else could take him to play his sports and stuff like other dads. Yes, he says this.



Grant never says a word about it, but he is the one that acts completely goofy and says really off–the-wall and sometimes alarming things to get the attention of adult males around him.



The void in their lives is apparent only to me. I obviously don’t point it out to them. Others don’t notice it and would think Grant to be strange or rambunctious or violent.



I see two fragile little boyz who have had a rough life chock full of harsh reality. I see two little boyz that loved their daddy and miss everything he was to them. I see two little boyz that I want to protect and help. Part of that protection is keeping them from having unrealistic expectations and believing in the fairy tale.



I guess because I don’t believe it myself. Not that I can’t get re-married some day. Just knowing it is way more complicated than the movies and TV.



Sometimes I wish I could believe in the fairy tale version. I hate that as adults we get so beat down with reality it causes us to stop believing.



As I have said in the description of the blog and in the “about me” section, the title of this blog used to pertain to Brian’s healing and health. He is completely restored in heaven now. Now the title pertains to the boyz and I finding our place in this world. As a good friend once encouraged me, it is a fluid statement relating to whatever season and circumstance the boyz and I are experiencing. It didn't end with Brian. Whether it is doses of reality, fairy tale endings or something in the middle, I find it very fitting today to close with…



KEEP BELIEVING

It is becoming increasingly difficult to write things on this blog at times. I lack inspiration. Brian gave me some pretty amazing material with his constant inspirational attitude and demeanor despite his circumstances. Strange things have been happening in my life, which I refer to as the "widow phenomenon," but I can't really write about them because they are very personal and involve some that read this blog. I have a boyfriend, but I don't wanna write about that yet because, once again?  personal. We'll see where it goes...maybe someday... So, I will write about the boyz and some funny things they have been up to.

Yesterday, Grant was explaining to me how a second grade girl has been bullying him by calling him names and taunting him.
Me: Grant, do you know why she is doing that to you?
Grant: Because she is mean.
Me: No, because she likes you.
Grant: She hates me. She always calls me loser.
Me: No, girls do things like that when they like a boy.
Grant: Are girls' brains stupid or something?
Me: Well, we can do pretty silly things to get the attention of a boy we like.
Grant: How do you know?
Me: I hate that I have to remind you so often, but I AM a girl.
Gavin: Did you bully Daddy?
Me: Well, not exactly, but I wasn't always nice. Neither was he.
Gavin: Did you call him loser and chase him and throw snowballs at him?
Me: No, but I sometimes acted like I didn't care or would ignore him and stuff like that to see if he would like me and come after me. They usually didn't work on your Dad.
Gavin: No mom, you should have done this: You go up to someone. You say, "Your shoes are cool," then you walk away and they will come after you.
Me: Girls are supposed to tell boys their shoes are cool and walk away??
Grant: Yes, Mom. It really works.
Me: I didn't know that secret. Are you sure it isn't boys that are supposed to tell girls their shoes are cool?
Gavin: Mom, it doesn't matter. You just go up to someone and say, "your shoes are cool," and walk away. It will totally work every time.
Me: Did you learn this on ICarly?
Grant: No.
Me: Drake and Josh?
Gavin: Yes. It works.

We spent the next few minutes with my boys complimenting my socks because I wasn't wearing shoes and casually walking away and my chasing after them to get their attention. I got a few kisses out of the charade, so it was worth it. I fear their humiliation some day when they try it for real.

----------------------------

Me: (glancing him up and down) Did you check your back?
KEEP BELIEVING

Pack 254 pinewood derby.

As instructed, we arrived an hour before the race time to register. Actually, we were intentionally 15 mnutes late, because this seasoned mom knows too much time before the structured and organized activity begins coupled with nearly fifty 6-11 years old boys yields too much opportunity for wall-climbing. Which is exactly what they did:

I will start out telling you that I am much better. Still not 100%, but getting closer. For the last 2 weeks, I was sick on and off, where off means Tylenol and Advil performed their intended function, with a cold which gave birth to a cough which gave birth to a sore throat which gave birth to an achy body which gave birth to clogged ears and an inability to breathe like a human being is meant to breathe. And the good news of all that is that at least SOME PART of me is able to give birth. I tried to ride it out, thinking it was just a cold, but after 11 days and being asked by everyone in my life to repeat what I was saying no less than 3 times because they could not hear me while I felt like I was screaming, I went to the dr. and got some Zpac. Within 24 hours, I began to feel better. It has been 48 hours now and I am feeling EVEN better.

It was really difficult these last two weeks not feeling well, but still being the only parent to care for the boyz. They are getting older and don't require as much help. They dress themselves. They put away their own laundry after being told only 15 times to do so. They can start and finish their own showers after being told only 11 times to do so. They can make their own breakfast and put their own dishes in the sink - sometimes even the dishwasher. BUT, they cannot do their own homework. They cannot make their own dinner. They cannot make it to the bus on time without someone assisting them with lunches, backpack packing, and time monitoring. They would leave the house dressed for 50 degrees when it is in the single digits. They cannot practice their spelling words without someone assisting them. They would not read unless someone encouraged them to do so and listened to them do it. They cannot take themselves to and from their extracurricular activities.


I rarely get sick. Or if I do, it is usually something minor like seasonal allergies or a pesky cold that doesn't really affect much of my everyday life except my dignity with the constant nose blowing. This was the first time I have been sick for more than a day or two since Brian died.

I cannot tell you how much I missed Brian these past two weeks. The mere thought each day as 3:00 would draw closer knowing the boyz were coming home filled me with dread. I hate that I felt that way, but I did. Knowing that the responsibilities were still there with no one to share in them was such a daunting thought. There was no one to help with dinner and no one to help with homework or to arrange many of the boyz' rides and schedules for their activities or to help with the laundry that was piling up or to tuck them in at night - knowing all those things were still left for me had me in tears a couple of times this week. I hate those moments because I really am a strong person. Physical weakness begets emotional weakness sometimes, too.

Also, I missed knowing someone was available to take care of ME. I know how selfish that sounds. I missed knowing that Brian would walk in that door, do his best to take the reigns and still have enough in his tank to just BE with me if I wanted it. I missed knowing that he would come home, see me in all my chapped, congested, hacking horror, still LOVE me and make sure I KNEW IT. WOW, how I missed that comfort - that PRESUMED love.

So, it hasn't been a great couple of weeks.

• Gavin did the worst on this spelling test than he has ever done.
• I think Grant spent more time in his room in time-out these past 2 weeks than in the past year. I don't have enough hindsight clarity to determine if that was because I was not feeling well and lacked patience or if it was because he knew I wasn't feeling well and tried my patience.
• Both boyz lost screen and snack privileges just about every day this week due to attitudes and fighting. (See above comment regarding hindsight clarity again.)
• We were late to every single appointment and activity they were part of this week. Or frantically rushing to be on time. (Actually, that isn't a stretch from a normal day.)

It is in that realization that I cannnot comprehend how Brian maintained his attitude and good-nature all those years - how he believed in his survival as his body failed him over and over, how he always reserved some of himself for others around him - for me, the boyz, his family, his friends, his work. Truly, as I fought to control my own emotions this last week, I was ONCE AGAIN amazed at the character of that man.


KEEP BELIEVING

So, I knew it was coming. I knew the holidays would provide some time of sadness and melancholy this year, what with being a FIRST YEAR WIDOW and all. I have learned to expect these feelings at times that would have in other circumstances been emotionally blissful.





I was, however, unprepared that I would seemingly be going about life JUST FINE in my own little world so quickly losing sight of whom else is living under my roof this first Christmas without Brian. I have lost enough relatives over the years to know better. How could I be so stinking BLIND? How could I, in my own selfish chapter of life, forget that my OWN CHILDREN are experiencing their first holiday without their daddy? Honestly, ever since I started dating, I have become a different person in my own home. I am horrified looking in the mirror God has placed in front of me these past few days.





And do you know what it took for me to remember this GLARINGLY OBVIOUS FACT??? It took my son's crying during Home Alone. It took many minutes of prying and comforting to get him to talk to me and finally just confess that he misses Daddy. It took a picture Grant drew today at school of our family - the four of us with Daddy in a casket. While taking a moment to look around this house at the ornaments that bear Brian's photographs or the very obvious FOUR stockings on the mantle, I can see the constant reminders to their innocent little memories. I am sure the constant display of TV shows and movies and holiday specials that revolve around family traditions or families reunited are knives in their chests.



So, these next couple weeks, I am taking a break from the dating scene that seems to have overrun my thoughts and my priorities. I am concentrating again on my children. I am refocusing on them and their needs and their emotions. I am realigning my priorities to spend time with them instead of out on a date, to stay up late reading and watching TV with them instead of texting new acquaintances, to share a root beer float and a game of MarioKart instead of a glass of wine and awkward conversation with a nearly perfect stranger, to lovingly smother them with hugs and kisses instead of determining if a date is good-night-kiss worthy.




I am so embarrassed that my own selfish desires and my own earthly pleasures lately have clouded my judgement with my children. One thing that I feel I have handled SO well in this entire event since 2007 was my focus on the boyz, ensuring I was in tune with their emotions in any situation.




The thing is, since I started dating, God has not been my number one priority, either. The fact that I have been slightly oblivious to my children solidifies that God is not first in my life. I know better.




While I do not like the image God has revealed to me in my mirror this week, I am incredibly thankful that He showed me this just in time for the Christmas break. I have plenty of HOME time to make some things up to the boyz.





KEEP BELIEVING

Dear Gavin,

Yes, honey, I realize that you have a stuffy nose. I do. I am sorry for this. I also realize that a stuffy nose can make it difficult to breathe. YES, GAVIN, I know your nose won't let you sleep. And YES, I know that stuffy noses occasionally will release a little bit and drip. So, USE THE FREAKING TISSUES I KEEP GIVING YOU. Now that you are 8, it would be VERY beneficial to you to learn to BLOW your nose. We breathe in through our mouth because of that whole stuffy nose thing - you know, so the air can actually get INTO your lung since your nose won't allow a clear pathway for it - and we blow OUT our nose. NOT the other way around. Holy Cow, dude. JUST BLOW! BLOW! Okay, mommy is going to have another beer cup of coffee and try again.

Also, Gavin? It doesn't STINKING MATTER WHO ATE THE FIRST POP TART OUT OF THE PACKAGE OF TWO. The other one does not have cooties and isn't pre-destined for the original opener of the package. You can eat it. No, you may NOT open another box or bag just because a perfectly fine single pop-tart that is nicely baggied and awaiting consumption was first touched by your brother. GET OVER IT!

I do love you. Really,
Mommy


-------------------------------
Dear Grant,

Now that you are 6-1/2, it is time to work on your oral fixations. You REALLY need to keep your thumb out of your mouth. Your teacher says you suck a lot all day and is constantly reminding you. I remind you all day, but it appears these reminders are insufficient. And it isn't so much that I know this isn't going to be a difficult habit to break, it is that you are a total stinking, bad-attitude BOOGER about it. The thing is, lately, it has become even more than your thumb. If you thumb is not in your mouth, then your collar is in your mouth. You have stretched out and stunk up more shirts than I care to admit. And NOW? Now that we are constantly in long sleeves, you seem to think that your shirt sleeve needs to be in your mouth.

And just sucking is not enough. Now you bite your sleeves. And put holes in them. Awesome. Because the average 1-2 pairs of pants that come home with holes in them due to the fact that you spend more time rolling around on the floor than you do on your feet during any activity (wrestling, riding a scooter, jumping on tramp, playing tag, playing soccer, playing basketball) wasn't enough. Realizing that I am not going to buy you an average of 1-2 new pairs of pants per week, I must either tolerate the judgments that most people think I don't know that my child has dressed himself in hole-ridden clothes or the sideways glances of those that see your tattered wardrobe.

How about a piece of gum? Oh yeah, then the oral fixation become a hand fixation. And the gum doesn't STAY IN YOUR MOUTH!

I do love you. Really,
Mommy

KEEP BELIEVING

I cannot tell you how often the most simple mundane events in my house evolve into complete disasters.

The kids were sick Monday evening causing them BOTH to miss Cub Scouts causing me to somehow find the time to make up BOTH events so they can earn the right to advance to the next level before the end of the year. Actually, they can still advance, but without the badge, and let's face it, they are in it for the bling.

I had to keep them home from school on Tuesday causing me to cancel the very first Bible Study that I am going to be leading.

Last night, I got my hair done, so grandma babysat for the kids. They did not do their reading and Gavin did not wear his protective garments to bed. Naturally, he wet the bed after batting over .500 for staying dry lately. Of course, I forgot all about the sheets until he reminded me around 30 minutes til bedtime tonight - delaying bedtime.

Today, I was not feeling well. Naturally, the kids had two days of sick energy built up causing them to be loud, obnoxious, rambunctious and half insane causing my headache to reach near splitting levels. And they missed the bus this morning because they were moving at record slow speeds.

This evening, Grant had a coughing spell that led to a gagging fit causing him to vomit a bit and spiral into a complete melt down freaking the heck out. And add to my laundry load. At bed time.

And then after bedtime, listening to Grant continue to cough, I decided to give him some cough medicine. He always requests a drink after ingesting said medicine, so I had him come to the bathroom to drink out of the faucet to save myself a trip to the main level to grab a cup. As I was giving him the cough syrup, he didn't drink it fast enough and it spilled all over his chest and left a splatter pattern on the carpet resembling a gory murder scene. So, I had a complete and total temper tantrum in front of my kids screaming and carrying on about how NOT ONE $&^% THING CAN GO SMOOTHLY AROUND HERE EVEN STUPID *&%$ SIMPLE THINGS. And I threw the towel I was using to clean up and stomped my feet a few times and then calmed down. Only to do it ALL OVER AGAIN when I realized that getting the cough syrup out of the carpet was a more daunting task than removing the paint I spilled on the carpet last week. So now I have an ammonia soaked towel that needs to be washed because I cannot stand the smell of it. Adding to my laundry load. At Bed Time. All of which could have been avoided if I had just gone downstairs for a cup of water to give after the medicine.

And I had to redo bedtime because I had to ask for forgiveness from the kids for the array of 4-letter words I emitted into the already ammonia polluted air in our house. All the while not feeling well.

Honestly, this is how my every day life goes all the time. I couldn't possibly make this up.

Like the time that Gavin came into my room in the middle of the night late this summer, and I had JUST read in my parenting book when your kids come into your room in the middle of the night over 75% of the time, it is due to a bathroom need. Instead of urging him to use the bathroom, I rolled over and invited him in. He fitfully slept the remainder of the night which meant I BARELY slept the remainder of the night. The next morning, he and my sheets were wet. Of course, we had someplace to be that morning, so I had to rush his shower and my shower. I had to wash my sheets and my mattress pad that I had just washed two days prior on the day that I had already separated a very neglected laundry hamper into 7 loads. My mattress pad is too big for my dryer, so I draped it over the deck to dry. When I retrieved it from the deck, it snagged on the railing. I had to spend 30 minutes pulling splinters out of my mattress pad that I had bought about 1 month prior.

It is in times like those that I struggle to find JOY.

And Grant is still coughing.

KEEP BELIEVING

What are Angie and boys going to do now?

I know you want to know. Wanna know HOW I know you want to know? Cuz many people, even barely acquaintances actually have enough gumption to ask me. Others just casually feel me out with indirect questions. Others that know me well expect I just may growl at you if you ask me that.

And I know included in the "What are Angie and the boys gonna do now” question are things like – Employment for Angie – when and how much? Location? House? Can they afford their lifestyle? Benefits? Etc.

And here’s the answer. I DO NOT KNOW.

And it sucks getting asked because I feel like I should know. It isn’t as if Brian’s death was a huge surprise. It isn’t as if I am not logical and intelligent and can’t figure things out.

In fact, I think sometimes my predisposition to over-analyze and logically think through EVERY SINGLE DECISION IN MY LIFE, including what color to paint a bathroom that can easily be repainted, is what is preventing me from knowing exactly what to do from here.

First thing first, though, is that I am exactly identifying my financial status. Since Brian’s death, we have received AMAZING generosity from friends and family. In March, we took a voluntary separation package from Caterpillar that has allowed me to have this time to think things through and figure things out. That being said, Brian and I have always lived within our means, practically and frugally on a budget that had us giving our tithe to church/charity, saving for our future and college and splurging on a few unnecessaries. So, we have no debt except our mortgage putting the boys and me in a better position. I have no doubt that it is our obedience to God’s biblical financial rules yielding this reward today.

However, we cannot go on forever like this. It is just a matter of figuring out exactly how much investment income we can generate in addition to our social security survivor benefits. There will be a shortfall with those two combined, and that will determine when and how much I will have to work. When the boys turn 18, the social security survivor benefit will expire completely and I, then, will have to solely support myself on my income.

There are several factors with determining employment for myself. First of all, I do not feel that I would be a good employee at this exact moment in time during this season in my life. I am easily distracted, have a lack of attention span and cry at the oddest times. So, I want to take a bit more time and give myself time to grieve and come to terms with whatever the heck our new normal is. Once I determine how much of my life is spent doing things for the kids that cannot easily be delegated or requested of friends like homework and quality time and the support they need from immediate family, I can better determine how much I am WILLING to work. However, if finances dictate that the amount I NEED to work exceeds the amount I am WILLING to work, the NEED will outweigh the latter and we will figure out the rest. I do not think we will be forced into that situation, though, barring another market crash.

Additionally, in order to give my boys stability and support, my goal is to work enough for this first couple of years to basically just get by without saving much for MY future. I will always save for college. It was one of my and Brian’s biggest goals to give to our children what our parents gave to us, and that is a college graduation that is debt free. I feel I would be dishonoring Brian to not strive for that. However, once again, if our finances did not allow for it without a huge compromise to our lifestyle and our emotional well-being, I know it would be MORE dishonoring to Brian to compromise OURSELVES for a debt-free college graduation.

There are many factors to consider when contemplating my future employment, not the least of which is the obvious – WHAT would it be. Should I do something related to my experience in accounting, business management and finance? Should I take a less demanding job because we don’t need the money at the risk of getting farther away from my experience and a well-paying job when I DO need to go back to work with a higher paying job when the boys finish high school? Do I just start all over now that I am older and wiser? I just don’t know. I trust that God will provide answers through the right opportunities.

When considering employment, I realize that full-time work would take me away from my boys a considerable amount in a time when they need a lot of direct involvement. They aren’t really capable of doing self-directed, independent homework and won’t be for a few more years. Their homework is family homework and they both need me now to help with this. They want to be involved in a few extra-curricular activities and to add single-parenthood, full-time employment on top of basic school would almost wipe this away. I just don't know how I would swing it all for them and for myself BY MYSELF. I also realize part-time work that meets our financial needs may not be possible. I am not naïve.

Other factors to consider are when and WHERE?

Obviously, the most glaring question many people have is WHERE IS ANGIE GOING TO LIVE WITH THE BOYS? The answer once again, is I DON’T KNOW. For now, we are staying put. I have no intention of going anywhere this school year unless we felt remarkably led by God to do so. I want to give the boys and myself time to figure out life here without Brian. Figure out things like where do I want my boys to call home? Right now they know little other than Central Illinois as home. Figure out things like where can we afford? Figure out things like where do we have the best support system? And that changes daily. It changes as our support system of family and friends have their own changing commitments and lifestyles. Sometimes Grandma and Grandpa are around for a ton of help and sometimes they want to travel. And we want them to. They need to. We don’t want anyone to feel like they are tied here solely because of us. And sometimes friends can help with rides and time with the kids, but then it changes when their own sports, work and extra activities take their time. And that is to be expected because once again, we don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t do their own thing because of us. HOWEVER, if full-time employment is what was necessary for us, I would have to go where I had the best support system and I felt the most comfortable knowing that my kids would be in the care of family and friends A LOT. I, honestly, do not know where that is right now. I am taking this year to figure this all out.

It is no secret that I have no family in Illinois at all. My closest family members are 3 hours away and those are extended family members. CLOSE-KNIT extended family members, but my immediate family is 4 hours away. However, Brian’s family is within a few miles of us, and he has many extended family members also within a few miles of us. But, will this relationship change as things unfold in our lives? I like to think it wouldn’t, but I have witnessed too many examples being on the biological side of a relative's death to know this may be naïve thinking. I know it will take a lot of effort on both our sides to ensure a healthy relationship that allows both sides the graces they need to grieve, live and cope.

Additionally, moving right now to a comfortable support zone of MY family would force me to solely rely on family and very old friends in a place where I have never lived on my own. It would be in a town like St. Louis where I have not lived since I graduated from college, let alone as a parent. Or, if I opted to be closer to my sister and mom, it would put me in a small town environment that I have never been a part of, losing all of the individuality of the friends and connections I have made in Illinois. I would partially be starting all over, all the while determining WHERE to live, WHAT works best for us, not knowing how much support I truly need and IF we can do it here. And you know what? I have great friends here. The best and closest friends I have ever had in my life. I feel connected to them and I feel connected at my church. Starting all that over right now is not overly appealing.

And, to top all this off, I know that the support I need today will differ from the support I need in a few years. The boys’ activities will get more demanding later, but rides MAY be easier to arrange as they age and don’t need parental supervision at Scouts or practices, or it may get more difficult depending on their interests. I don’t know. Also, their homework will become more independent. I will be able to grocery shop or run a few errands without having them in tow in just 3-4 years when they can start staying alone for an hour or two at a time. And that will only increase from then on. Gavin will be in middle school in less than 4 years’ time. AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

So, as you can see, YES, I am constantly thinking this through. I have a lot of decisions to make and for right now, just the day-to-day decisions of what to have for dinner are difficult enough to make while we heavily grieve for Brian. Then I have larger, but immediate decisions to make like benefits coverage as our COBRA amount quadruples next month. And how long do the boys stay in counseling now that we have to start paying privately? And I still don’t know for sure what color to paint my bathroom.

And then there is the guilt for knowing that I DO have a college education and am perfectly suited to work a well-paying, full-time job but just not wanting to do it right now because I know it would not be what is best for my kids and me emotionally, but would really make some decisions easier and make saving for college and benefits a no-brainer. (All that experience and education, yet still ridiculous run-on sentences) So, don’t even get me started on feeling under the microscope knowing that my closest friends and family (especially my parents who gifted me with that education) have to be thinking – “Why the heck is she doing this when she is educated and employable?” And I realize that most of the guilt is probably self-inflicted. This is what I do to myself.

But my motto for the last few months and for the next couple will continue to be - "NO BIG CHANGES FOR A YEAR". Different seasons and events unfold different challenges and perspectives.

For future reference, to anyone who is dying to know what someone who is handling a large life-change like a divorce, a death or job loss is going to do from here, DON’T ASK. I know it is well-intended, but I can tell you if they want to talk about it, they will. THEIR THOUGHTS ARE CONSUMED WITH IT ANYWAY. And they don’t want to be in their position of HAVING to think about it at all. (And also to let you know that 12 months ago, I also would have asked anyone that was going through this the SAME questions.) Rather, just say to that person “I know you have a lot of decisions and very difficult choices ahead of you. I will pray for you as you think things through. But, please take the time you need to make informed decisions and if you want to talk things through, I’m here to listen. (Although they will always be willing to talk if you want to tell them about that great part-time, work-from-home, $50,000/year job you have been dying give to them.)” And then – PRAY FOR THAT PERSON AND THEIR DECISIONS.

You can start with me.

KEEP BELIEVING

*edited to add* I didn't write this post to make anyone feel bad for asking me what we are going to do next or for wondering what we are going to do next. I wrote the post so you can have a glimpse into the hundreds of "If- Then's" that enter my mind daily, and to let you know where I am with the decision making. Because honestly? If you haven't walked a few steps in these shoes of mine (and my size 5 wides would not fit many of you, and I pray they never do - literally and metaphorically speaking), you simply wouldn't know how many factors and variables there are to complicate even the slightest decision. Like the fact that I suck at painting, so choosing the wrong color means more work for the friends and family that help me. And that every BIG decision I make right now will greatly impact THREE of us. My children are my first priority in all decisions right now.

Dear Brian,



Today is another big FIRST.


It is easier to prepare and tense up for a big blow you know is coming and brace your self to endure the anticipated pain from it than it is an unexpected flick on the ear.



So it is not these big events - these MONUMENTAL 'firsts" that are so difficult to endure. It is the small unexpected events in life - like seeing your favorite CINNAMON LIFE in the cereal section and realizing I am wiping a tear from eye in the next aisle - a tear I didn't even know surfaced.


Today on this first Father's Day without you, Brian. We celebrate your memory. We celebrate YOUR Dad. We celebrate your brothers. And I celebrate my boys - because I see parts of you in all of them.



And I know the Dad that you were to our children in their young years WILL mold them into wonderful big kids, young men, and responsible adults.














KEEP BELIEVING

Dear Brian,

I cannot muster the mental energy to write to you lately.

Everything else in my life - from establishing my trust, to researching counseling, to handling life insurance and social security, to managing a constant stream of whining and never-ending fighting that is physically escalating each day - is draining all of my mental resources.

I am spent. I am sorry.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

Dear Brian,

I am tired of everything being a battle with the kids and between the kids.

But more than that, I am tired of being the only one that is enforcer and referee. Sometimes I just want to close my ears and walk away knowing there is someone else to handle at least this ONE episode. Only there isn't.

And then I have to put on my happy face and take them out in public and then kiss their little heads and put them to bed later.

It is way harder than I thought being the only one to handle these two little boys.

WAY HARDER.

Some days I just want to put my own self to bed early and cry myself to sleep. I don't want to listen to any more whining and fighting and crying and wrestling and breaking and falling and tattling. I don't want to be the only one to enforce and redirect and discipline and tie shoes and run errands and find sitters and watch games and play catch and make dinner and clean up and maintain the house and pay bills. I just want it all to go away. How am I ever going to go back to work and handle all of this, too??

I guess I am just feeling deserted, overwhelmed and lonely lately.

I miss you so much, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

Dear Brian,

Some days, for no apparent reason whatsoever, are just hard.

Some days I don't feel like being a single parent. I don't feel like being the only one taking the boys to and from the sporting events and every other errand. I don't feel like cheering at another soccer game. I don't feel like playing catch. I don't feel like wrestling. I don't feel like driving. I don't feel like making dinner. I don't feel like putting the kids to bed. I don't feel like punishing. I don't feel like rewarding. I don't feel like talking.

I just don't feel like doing any of it, let alone by myself.

Today just so happened to be one of those days.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

To my mother-in-law, living her first mother's day without one of her sons, supporting her daughter-in-law without her spouse:

You have constantly modeled for me....

Integrity.
How to redirect a mischievous toddler.
Honesty.
Intelligence.
That a good book is worth sharing and discussing.
That taking a wrong turn simply means a more scenic route.
Life is what you make of it.
Choosing a negative reaction to a circumstance takes a LOT more energy than a positive reaction.
The satisfaction of a job done right.
Being your child's role model and parent is WAY more important than being their friend.
There is a lot of world to explore and experience.

-------------------------

To my mom living this first mother's day without her son in law and supporting her daughter without her spouse:

You have constantly modeled for me.....

The importance of being consistent.
How to be a gracious hostess.
The reward of being a servant.
Time means way more than things.
The best eggs are made over easy in bacon grease.
Family comes first.
Letting a child win is way more fun than winning.
Planning ahead makes life much easier.
Hard work is admirable and necessary.
Cook for your visitors. They will keep visiting when you make them feel welcome.
No one is too good for any activity or above any other person.


I love you both on this painful "first" milestone for you. Thank you for being who you are to my kids. Thank you for being who you are to me. Thank you for being who you are.

KEEP BELIEVING

• If you bring a meal, disposable dishes are most appreciated. OR please be willing to come back and get your plate - forgiving me if it is not clean when you arrive.


• I don't care about brands on anything unless I specify.


• I do not use any particular brand of laundry detergent - whatever is on sale.


• If we are not home at the time you came for whatever reason right now, it is cool enough to leave just about anything outside for a while. I check the front porch frequently as I find treasure there from little angels frequently.


• Be patient with me and thank yous. I am historically bad at this and right now, I am scatter-brained. Please give your information to Karye so I can thank you properly, though,