KEEP BELIEVING

Wow. May 17th was the last time I wrote. Really??  Kinda hard to believe considering this was such a staple in my life a year ago.


So many people from so many different areas of my life read this blog – Brian’s family, the boyfriend, my family, my friends, Brian’s coworkers, his friends, etc. Moving on with life and trying to be sensitive to so many different people’s feelings, grief and concerns makes finding a topic to write about difficult at best.

I will tell you some things that have been going on in the last two months.

Grant’s tube surgery went fine, but he currently has an ear infection. It is draining out the ear which is what the tube is designed to do, but it is keeping us out of the pool during this very hot week. I talked with Grant’s teacher at the end of school. She said he finally started to come out of his shell and talk more openly in class including talking about Brian. Grant does not AT ALL like to be singled out for being different. Having a daddy that is dead makes him very different. She said that many of the children asked questions about his daddy in heaven and he told them he died from surgery. She interjected that it was cancer and he said surgery and cancer were the same thing. This makes me so sad – no wonder he was so afraid of the surgery.

Grant is like a different kid since school has been out. Admittedly, I have not been encouraging much time spent on academic or learning activities like flashcards and reading. We have been at the pool, watching TV, playing Wii and at baseball. He really just hates school. I am having him evaluated soon to determine if he has some sort of attention issue or other factor contributing to his dislike of all things school related. I just want to help him and learn how to better keep my cool given his attitude.

The boyfriend is no longer my boyfriend. I have no doubt that someday he will make someone very happy, but we are just wrong for each other in the way we handle, approach and respond to life, adversity, and relationships. Not to say that either of us is wrong or right, but just different and for the long term – incompatible and probably a recipe for resentment. That’s all I have to say about that.

Gavin has declared he is skipping high school. Upon further investigation into this declaration, it stems from a discussion we had in recent weeks in which I told him that in high school you will take showers in front of other guys after P.E. I told him this in an effort to get him to stop freaking out so much about his brother or a friend that spends the night seeing his privates for a brief second. It completely backfired and now he is petrified of high school. I told him by the time that comes around he won’t care anymore and he will WANT to take a shower because he will like girls again by then and girls like boys that smell good.

I defrosted my deep freeze today for the first time in 2-1/2 years. It was all frosted up, but it still worked. It was my sister who explained it could break if I didn’t get the ice off the coils that finally led me to defrost it. It wasn’t even that much of a pain in the butt. Only mildly. I have to put the seafood and chicken back in it now. My hands got cold after handling the beef.

That's it for now!

Dear Brian,

I wish I could express to you how life is going without you in a way that wouldn't make you feel bad for leaving us. I can't. I can't tell you that we are doing just fine and getting by alright. We appear to be, but we are all very sad and confused. The boys and I seem to fight a lot amongst ourselves. We all seem to be finding our pecking order and testing each other to see how firm we have to stand before the other will bend.


Our surrounding world is transforming again. From summer to fall. From a time of fun and games to practice and routine. From a time of on-the-constant-go to home and school. It is in this transformation that I miss you most. Realizing once the boys arrive home at 3, that is it for the day. There is no anticipation of Daddy's arrival in a few hours. I sit alone at church. I will go to Back to School Parent's Night alone while the rest of our world handles this familiar routine as a family team. It becomes an effort not to resent them for the unknown ease they have in their lives.

I have always equated Fall and back to school with a a time of immediate family togetherness. The weekends become more important as both mothers and fathers are seeing their children for the only full days of a week. Saturday, after I had breakfast cleaned up and had finished my workout, I slipped outside to bask in the beauty of a glorious Saturday morning. I sobbed, missing you, knowing you would have shared time with me that morning enjoying a cup of coffee planning our day. I cried later that day as I took the boys to the outdoor mall with me. They behaved rather well considering they thought they were supposed to be at a birthday party and not running an errand with me, only to realize I had the wrong day for the party. I rewarded them with some time at the mall playground and Auntie Anne's pretzels. This location was lovingly nicknamed the PRETZEL PARK by you and the boys years ago. It has always been one of your favorite places to take the kids even when you were unable to walk well. I missed having you at the Pretzel Park with us. If found myself crying at your Mom and Dad's house while we celebrated Cheryl's birthday. The pain of seeing couples together sometimes is unbearable. Yet it is comforting. I can't explain it logically.

Yet, today has been a good day. Yes, I miss you today. Yes, I wanted you next to me at church. Yes, at church I find myself especially vulnerable and emotional. Yes, the boys and I are having our issues. But today, I woke and made a conscious decision to make today good. I hate that it has be such an effort to have a good day. I think of you and how you made a conscious effort every single day to get out of bed and make it downstairs. How you had to will your right side to move in rhythm with your left. How you had to stop and think about the words you were about to use every time you formed a sentence. How you did it, though, and never complained. How you rarely lamented about your burdens at all. You would assure me that to do so, was a choice. You made the choice appear effortless.

Brian, you continue to inspire me to make a choice today to have a good day. I pray tomorrow I make the same choice with as much grace as you always did.

I love and miss you, Brian.

KEEP BELIEVING

In order to tell you more details about our time on our touring vacation for the last week and a half, I have to find a schedule that allows for more hours in the day. I have to find a schedule that includes my children shutting their eyes prior to 10:00 pm, so I can shut mine prior to 11:00 pm. That hasn't been working out so well this summer.

Until I can establish a better routine or call upon the Almighty to add some hours to each night, I will leave you with this one snippet from our trip.

All of my pictures until about 3 days into our 11 day trip looked pretty cool like this:

After day 4, I didn't take any, but if I had they pretty much would have looked like THIS:

Can you guess what our 1 major catastrophy was?

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1200 miles
3 states
4 different destination stops
6 flags
2 bottles of sunscreen
1 boat
THE COOLEST FAMILY AND FRIENDS
144 bottle rockets
1500 snappers/pops
2 burned fingers
tons of fun
only 1 major catastrophe
60 gallons of gas

1 incredible vacation

2 very tired boys
1 very tired mommy

1 very lonely bed calling my name...

More to come...

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Dear Brian,

I am finding it increasingly difficult to take the time to write to you these days. With the dawn of Spring come many chores and tasks. The lawn needs tending. The children have messes both inside and outside that need tidying each day. The weeds need pulling. The planters, umbrellas and other outside furnishings need to be placed and cleaned. There is much to do.

I miss you so much right now. Today, I mowed the lawn. I had to adjust the height on the lawn mower to what I thought you would consider an appropriate setting for the season opening mow. As I started, I saw that the side attachment was not in place so I had to adjust that, and as you remember that can be a booger. About 1/4 of the way through the lawn mowing, the children showed me how the trampoline net had fallen off one of its posts. Upon further examination, I realized the support post had slipped down the frame. I was angry because I know this happens when the kids are rough on it and roughness is against "house rules" on the trampoline. They continuously disobey and I am constantly the mean, mad mom making kids get off for disobeying. I digress. Anyway, I got the socket set from the garage and as soon as I lifted it from its place, the entire contents spilled all over the garage floor because it was not properly locked last time.

Then, I cried.

I sat on the garage floor and cried my eyes out while 6 children between 6 and 9 looked on in shock and horror. Then, 4 little 6 and 7 year olds sat next to me and eagerly helped me reassemble the socket set.

When we were finished with the socket set reassembly, I realized the project of adjusting the trampoline post was not a task for one adult. So, several children went seeking assistance. Mike helped. Willingly. Eagerly. Patiently. It was a relatively easy task. When we went to tighten it back up, the spacer had fallen. I was going to leave it because I was tired and frustrated, but I knew you couldn't stand a half-ass job on things. We loosened everything back up and refastened with the spacer in place. That is what you would have done. I couldn't help but think if I were helping you do the project, I probably would have impatiently huffed at you for forgetting the spacer. I internally apologized to you for every time I ever did that. I would take back every one of those moments right now to have just a few more minutes with you. Anyway, I am thankful that you taught me how to use the sprockets over the last couple of years. I feel confident with tools due to your instruction and patience with me.

I finished mowing and started to weed whip. I had to find the battery in the basement where we store for the winter for the weed whip. I finally did. I am thankful we bought the battery operated weed whip last year so you could easier perform the task. It makes it easier for me today. About 1/4 of the yard through, the weed whip ran out of string. I have to get the manual and determine how to thread new string. But, I couldn't find the string, so it doesn't matter. Another errand I now have to run for our family.

I think the van needs an oil change, too.

In addition, the gutter attachments we used last fall when we added the patio did not handle the winter very well. I need to fix those or determine a more suitable alternative for our patio. It is supposed to rain 1/2 inch tonight and our sump pump has been running a lot.

In between all this, I have broken up countless fights, corrected inappropriate language, forced sharing between a bunch of selfish entitled children, limited TV and video game time, cleaned up from a party last night and I just realized I forgot to eat breakfast as I look at the clock and realize I need to fix lunch for the kids.

Tomorrow is our anniversary, by the way.

That brings me back to my original point.

I miss you, yet I can barely find the time to write to tell you that. I miss you for practical reasons right now more then emotional. I hope you can forgive me for that. I am sorry. This family is just not whole without you. The everyday, practical things are reminding me of that right now.

I miss you, Brian. I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING

And the winner is … Monika. Dear Monika, my former Alberta neighbour who is actually Dutch. Monika, you win my friendship. Oh wait, you already had that!

Mosquito bite.

Yes, it looks like I took a baseball bat to the head, but it was an insignificant mosquito that wreaked that havoc on my face. Within literally seconds of leaving the car and entering the Wisconsin Northwoods resort landscape, I had two mosquito bites and was applying Deet to every square inch of my exposed skin. Apparently, the Northwoods of Wisconsin had a record wet spring and a bit of a late spring so we were lucky enough to time this with our trip deep in the woods on a body of water next to bodies of water and the last time I checked mosquitoes breed in wet areas and did I mention the mosquitoes had recently HATCHED? So full families of mosquitoes with new babies and extended families of mosquitoes and friends of the mosquito families were partying all around our cabins during our stay. As I stated, this required covering every square inch of exposed skin on myself and my children with some form of Deet (lucky Brian is unaffected by mosquitoes), only logic dictates eventually this Deet will fade and need replenishing as proven by the goose-egg on my forehead. I love that not only do mosquitoes devour my blood with vampire prowess, but also they leave behind whatever it is that causes me to swell up like Pamela Anderson’s boobs. That, my friends, is sarcasm. Not the swelling up like Pamela Anderson’s rack, but the part about loving it. I don’t really love it. REALLY. Brian was very understanding and compassionate about the mosquito problem I have by shrieking in horror or squirting his beer through his nose whenever he caught a glimpse of my profile and the mosquito bite that only lasted for TWO of our FOUR days in the Northwoods. Also, he only gagged and coughed the first night in bed when he came in to snuggle since the mosquitoes were resourceful enough to infiltrate the screens and enter the cabin requiring Deet application after showers and before bed. He only gagged once because he did not attempt to snuggle next to the Deet drenched lady the rest of the week. He also didn’t attempt to snuggle again because we had another uninvited guest named AUNT FLO (guys go ask a girl) and he knew it wasn’t worth it.

So, let me recap the REST of our Wisconsin trip. First off, we headed to the Wisconsin Dells, which is a strange tourist trap of an area about 4 hours from here and 2-3 hours from Chicago. This area used to best be known for its damming of the Wisconsin River creating the Upper and Lower Dells – lakes. Now, it seems it is best known for its Water Parks. Sitting in the middle of Wisconsin is a strip of hotel after hotel claiming to have the biggest waterpark, largest waterpark, tallest waterpark, best waterpark, fastest waterpark, extremist waterpark, family-friendliest waterpark, etc. We stayed at Kalahari and it was great fun for the kids. I enjoyed watching the kids have fun riding the waterslides, playing in the wavepool, climbing on the water structures and even surfing. And when I say I enjoyed watching the kids have fun it means it doesn’t matter if I had fun, whether or not I had fun became irrelevant the day I had kids.

After the Dells, we headed to Rhinelander for a 4-day trip to Thompson Lake for fishing and whatever else. Besides the mosquito issue outlined above, the fish were biting. The boys were catching them left and right and Grant had quite the attention span for fishing. Once he figured out how to bait his own hook (with a worm) and take his own fish off the hook, he was off and running.

Gavin also learned, but didn’t have quite the enthusiasm and steadfastness at it as Grant did. So, naturally, Grant began to smack talk Gavin. “I’m catching way more fish than you. I am the perch master. I am a great fisherman. I caught that all by myself.” Etc. Gavin handled it like any brother would and threatened to beat him up, occasionally did throw a punch, and cried and whined. Oh yeah, and he caught the biggest fish (of the kids) –
a Walleye over 15 inches long and the only keeper Walleye of the weekend. This naturally, sent Grant into a meltdown since Gavin’s fish received lots of attention.

The week was cool, though. Literally cool – temps in the 50s and 60s. Which ended up being pretty fine by me since I needed to wear long sleeves and long pants to mitigate my mosquito problem. One afternoon the ladies went into town for some shopping and lunch. It was a nice change of pace for a non-fisherperson like me. The men were left alone with the kids. When we were finishing our time out, we went into a microbrewery and got a Growler of a Pudgy Possum Porter for the guys to thank them for our freedom for the outing. We did not feel we had time to stay for a beer, though, and when the bartender asked why, we replied “we have been away for a few hours now and the guys are back at the cabins watching all the kids themselves.” To which he replied, “Do you honestly think if the situation were reversed and they were here and you were there, they would be saying they couldn’t stay for the same reason?” Good point. We didn’t stay, though. Probably mostly because Jen couldn’t drink due to reasons un(bun in the oven)disclosed and Jan couldn’t drink due to Vicodin in her bloodstream.

When we returned, I asked Brian if he had fun. He said, “I had fun watching my boys have fun.” I repeated the question and he repeated the response, which we know once again is code for – it doesn’t matter if I had fun, whether or not I had fun became irrelevant the day I had children.

But, you know what? It really is fun watching the kids have fun.

Know what else is fun? – even if you don’t fish, sitting back and watching the man of your dreams pass on his passion – his legacy - to his children. Instilling in them a love for a sport/hobby that burns deep within him and watching those boys catch on, succeed, and develop the same enthusiasm. That, my friends, is great fun.

Also, it’s fun to play cards and drink beer. Just sayin’.

Other pics:

Grandma arming the cavalry with water guns
The actual biggest catch (Uncle Murph)cousinsAunt Jen

We have returned from our two weeks of different vacations. The first with Brian's family in the Wisconsin Northwoods. The second with my family on Hilton Head. I am gathering my thoughts and my pictures and videos for some good posts, but I also have to sort through mail, pay bills, tidy the house and unpack a few more things. Oh yeah, and it is summer and I am now addicted to the sun and warmth of outside, so I plan to play and weed and mow the wash things outside delaying my posting of the festivities.



In the meantime, our two vacations had something else in common besides large bodies of water providing recreation and entertainment. Here is a clue:

Any guesses?

And I don't mean no-makeup and freakishly frizzly unkempt hair, although that would technically be true.

edited to add another clue - there was no blunt force trauma to Angie of any kind.



KEEP BELIEVING

What are you doing here?

We're on vacation. Remember??

I'm not reading you. Honestly, I'm not even thinking about you.

Come back in a week. You are interrupting my margaritas.

Now go. GO! Take a day off! Enjoy some summer!

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School is out. It has been out for us for officially 6 days, but 3 days were the holiday weekend, so that doesn't really count. Three days have been the back-to-the-routine weekdays. Well, sort of. We are getting ready for our upcoming trips, so there were a few errands to run. Some groceries, gas, road food, misc. whatever, etc. I love the thought of the trips. I am as giddy as the kids about THIS PLACE and THIS PLACE where we will spend the next week and then THIS PLACE the week after. So, summer is great in THOSE respects. Summer is great in the sense of freedom, warm weather, suntanned skin, recreational water, and no homework (meaning, I don't have the equivalent of a graduate thesis in papers/handouts/take-homes from the school to sort through each week only to forget anyway scarring my kid for life because he missed the raffle ticket deadline and is not entered into the contest for the free ice cream cone).

Summer sucks in this HUGE respect though: My boys are home all the time INCLUDING THE TIME I HAVE TO RUN ERRANDS/GROCERY SHOP. I would honestly rather chew off my own arm some days than take them with me to ANY STORE.

When they were babies, it used to take me twice as long and cost me more to shop with them because of carseats, a diaper blow out, nap schedules, etc. causing me to forget my list, rush, etc. When they were toddlers, it took me longer and cost me more to shop with them because of getting them in and out of the car, tantrums/melt-downs, nap schedules, a diaper blow out, etc. causing me to rush/forget things, etc. Now, when they have to shop with me, it takes me longer to shop because we inevitably end up in the toy aisle (which even the hardware stores seem to have), they beg me for treats, they want to push the cart, they suddenly have to use the bathroom no matter how many times they have already gone that day, they beg me for treats, their legs are suddenly overwhelmingly tired causing me to rearrange the cart so one can sit in it after it is 75% full, and they beg me for treats.

After 4 different stops, yes, I give in to the treat reward for good behavior or just to shut them up, honestly.

I think they should have single serving wine bottles next to those Baby Bottle Pops at the check out line.

I deserve a treat, too.

KEEP BELIEVING

Hi. I'm back. Miss me? Spent another weekend with my family. My sister and family and my mom and dad came for the 3 day weekend. Spent lots of time drinking microbrews bonding and playing with the kids. Mindi is due in 7 weeks, so it is great to have a go-to, no coin-toss discussion necessary DD for now. Actually, I was a very good girl this weekend, too, because the calories are just becoming "not worth it" to me. Every time Mindi and Matt come, we have crappy weather. This weekend was no exception CONSIDERING IT IS THE END OF MAY. So, it was in the low 50s when they arrived on Friday. Got into the 60's on Saturday and rained some of the day. Sunday it was cool in the am, though it was not supposed to be, and was extremely cloudy and WINDY would be an understatement. Never stops us from having a good enough time, though. Had some smoked ribs because I totally swiped my brother's cooking methods am really good at it and we had a few people over including Brian's older brother and family. Ended with a backyard fire and some smashmallows (affectionately named at chateau KEEP BELIEVING)over the open pit. Finished up with more whipping wind and a thunderstorm. Aahhh, Central Illinois. Paradise.

So, you won't be hearing much from me for the next few weeks. We leave Friday for Wisconsin for a family vacation with Brian's family. Both brothers and their families will be present. Should be a very good time with lots of Euchre, fishing, and mosquitoes swimming. We get back Thursday and then the boys and I leave on Sunday, June 8 for Hilton Head for a week with my extended family. Should also be a good time if I can convince Gavin he will not be 1)eaten by a shark 2)swallowed by a whale 3)stung by a jellyfish 4) pinched by a crab - all of which are very real threats in his mind right now. This is our first trip to a swimable ocean. Vancouver and the nearly sub-zero Pacific water do not count as far as I am concerned. (Though I DO SO LOVE VANCOUVER) In between those trips, I have to do laundry, unpack, pack, clean house, cook meals, grocery shop, exercise, lose 5 pounds, pay bills, balance accounts, water plants, take care of landscape, solve world peace, get boys' haircuts, attend tee-ball games, and find energy and time to sleep with my husband, PERHAPS EVEN in the Biblical sense every once in a while. Let's just say blogging is pretty low on the priority totem pole for the next few weeks.

Brian's tests: Thursday, May 29 at 8:30 am, Brian is scheduled for his next MRI. This is the first MRI since we started this new chemotherapy/treatment plan of Avastin and CPT-11. The results of that MRI will be read to Brian on Monday, June 9th.

• Elementary Pop quiz: When is Angie going to be in Hilton Head???? Did you say, June 8 -for the remainder of the week??? You are correct. In what state is Hilton Head? If you answered anywhere ocean-front, you get full credit. Does this put Angie IN Illinois or OUT of Illinois on June 9th??? Out of Illinois??? You are correct again. Does this make Angie FREAK OUT WITH NEARLY DEBILITATING ANXIETY that she will not be there for these results or rest calmly knowing Brian is in good hands with his folks? Did you say Panic Attacks??? You are correct again! Hey, you don't have to add that she is being ridiculous. There will be no extra credit for that.

In the meantime, Brian continues with the next round of chemo tomorrow with his friend, John, as his companion, husband of my good friend, Heather. How is Brian fairing? Brian's hair continues to slowly fall out, but he does okay with it in general. He is more tired than usual, but not excessively so. He has been especially helpful and supportive around the house lately and with the kids. He doesn't sleep great, but some days are not so bad. He doesn't feel good for about the first 3-4 days post treatment. He is run-down, sort of sick feeling, and just all around "off" for those few days. He rebounds a bit by day 5, rallies on day 6 and pretty good by day 7.

• Pop Quiz #2. When are we leaving for Wisconsin? If you answered THIS FRIDAY, you answered correctly. When is Brian having chemo?? Did you say Tuesday, tomorrow?? You are correct again. You sure are smart. What day of Brian's cycle does that have us leaving??? Day 4???? Good answer! What day does Brian usually start to semi-rebound??? Day 5? Wow. Your memory is awesome! So, if history serves, would Brian be feeling good or NOT SO HOT, the first couple days of our trip??? Not so hot, right!

The above 2 pop quizzes would be the basis for our biggest prayer requests right now:

1. Brian feels good on our family vacation
2. Good/favorable test results on June 9
3. Relaxation/trust/faith for Angie during those test results for which she will not be present.
4. Safe travels
5. Lower gas prices - oh wait, I am not sure if even I believe God can perform that miracle.

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Moving on in my Spring Cleaning/Time Reprioritization theme. While determining where my time is best spent for my family and my home life, it also become evident that too much home time together sometimes drives us all a bit crazy. And when I say crazy, I mean boys hitting each other over the head with large blunt objects and mom screaming all day for some quiet (which I realize is in its very self contradictory to my quest for quiet). So, we also made some summer plans. And when I say WE made summer plans, I mean, OTHERS made those plans, and we LEECHED onto those plans.


First on the agenda - a weekend visit from my sister and her family for Memorial Day including a minor league baseball game and hopefully, some golf for the kids. And when I say golf, I do not mean the kind that includes putting through a large windmill or into a castle, unless of course, they insist, and by insist, I mean, cry.


Next, a week trip to Wisconsin with Brian's entire family including a water park then a rustic resort in Northern Wisconsin. And when I say rustic resort, I mean TV is included, but not DVR. Swimming pool, recreational lake, trails, playground, tennis courts, restaurant, cabins, and fishing. And when I say fishing, I mean worms for boys, MARGARITAS for me.


After that the boys and I will meet my family in Hilton Head for a week. My extended family planned a vacation to Hilton Head some months ago and asked us to be part of it, but we could not commit for various reasons, and when I say various reasons, I mean, CANCER. Those various reasons caused the above Wisconsin trip to form and also prohibit Brian from attending due to other circumstances, and by other circumstances, I mean CHEMO. After conversations, brainstorming and investigating, we determined the boys and I could fly with frequent flyer miles that expire in a few months anyway for almost nothing, and by nothing, I mean $30 (total). We have a very tight vacation budget, and thirty dollars fits into that budget along with ALMOST NOTHING ELSE.


When we return, the boys will attend a week long vacation bible school just up the road, and that almost sums us June. July is free and open right now except for one minor event right in the middle and when I say minor event, I mean A NEW BABY. My sister, who also happens to be my very best girlfriend in the whole wide world, is expecting a girl, who is yet to be named, because she told her 3 year old son what they were thinking of naming that girl and he named the baby goat at memaw and papa's that very same Savannah. In my family, it is acceptable to have an animal named AFTER a HUMAN, but not acceptable to have a human named AFTER an ANIMAL, because we are rednecks refined like that. ANYWAY, I feel very attached to my sister's pregnancies because I have never been with child, so I like to live it through her as close as I can, good and bad, and by the bad, I mean, of course, the baby weight.


That brings us to August. The kids start school in August, so we have like a million back to school activities, which means, literally 3. Kindergarten back to school night, the rest of the school back to school night and back to school shopping. We also have like a gazillion weddings, which also literally means 3. Two cousins and my brother. So, that brings us to the end of summer. The end.


Oh yeah, other events we would like to sprinkle in there - swimming at the pool, teeball games, time at each grandparent's house, a Cardinal's game, time at the park, playdates, etc., all while Brian continues to undergo chemo. THAT brings us to the end of my sanity the summer. THE END END.

This is WHY we plan activities all summer:
This is what my boys do when they have a million hours in a stroller together at Disneyworld.

This is what my boys do when they have 3.7 seconds together posing for a picture with their cousin.

The End End End.