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Life has been happening all around us. It is strange, yet comforting to go about every day business as if nothing is happening.

Brian is doing remarkably well. He is maneuvering the stairs and house. He is quiet, but conversational if he feels he can or wants to contribute. He is involved. He is attending the boys soccer games. He is playing cards. He is in good spirits. He feels relatively well. He has vomited a couple of times in the last week, but nothing terrible, and no all-day episodes like in the past.



Hospice will be calling on us once per week for now for Brian's care. I have a lot of resources for the kids and understanding this process. However, though, the overall mood of the house right now is uplifting and joyful. The visitors that Brian has had are not here saying goodbye, but rather living life adjacent to Brian for a little while longer. Saying goodbye can be awkward. It is difficult to say how long Brian will continue to do this well, so we don't guess. I didn't expect him to be doing as well as he is right now. He is doing better than he was even 3 weeks ago. That in and of itself is a small miracle.



This past weekend our visitors included my family - my sister and brother and their families and my parents. It was very fun and Brian did great. The layout of the house worked well to accommodate all 15 of us. We missed my nephew, Andrew, who is in college, though. My brother and Heather were supposed to come without the kids since the kids have so many sports obligations, but all of them ended up coming on Thursday. You see, they live in Paducah, KY which has hard hit by the latest ice storm. The kids' school and all events were cancelled since they are STILL without power. Our house was like an oasis for them with phone service, Internet access, TV, a warm fire and power. As terrible as the ice storm is for their area, I feel blessed that God granted us all time together without the nagging of other missed events. Small miracles.



Brian's little brother, Michael and Jen had their first baby - McKenna Riley on Wednesday, January 28. McKenna Riley is the newest cousin to 5 male grandsons and the newest niece to 2 uncles. In case you didn't read into that, she is the first female born into Jan and Ed's (Brian's parents) lineage. I am so happy to have the celebration of McKenna's birth to commemorate this time rather than Brian's failing health. Twelve years ago, my brother, Kevin and Lisa had their baby girl, Lexie. They were induced just a day after Brian was diagnosed with his brain tumor. They made Brian and me the godparents in order to help us remember a joyful occasion during that time of May instead of the anniversary of Brian's diagnosis. That was very special to us and I always think of how life happens and joy is all around us even in the midst of our struggles. McKenna is another reminder of small everyday miracles.



Speaking of miracles, Brian made it out to the boy's soccer games last week. He attended both Grant and Gavin's games due to the kindness of a few that helped Brian get into the building and others that cleared the walk for him to get in the building without slipping. Grant played a great game as he usually does - hustling and trying his hardest. He was awarded the Gatorade for best defensive player by his coach that day. Daddy was there to see it. The next night, Gavin scored a goal. Any of you who have ever seen Gavin play in the last year know this is TRULY MIRACULOUS! And Daddy was there to see it. Small everyday miracles.



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Chicken and Rice with Hawaiian Rolls.

blueberries, strawberries, cantaloupe, bagels, 30 small boxes of cereal, 24 cookies, 15 double packages of muffins, 12 breakfast biscuit sandwiches, 10 coffee cakes, 6 English muffins, 6 bagels, 1 bottle of wine, and a partridge in a pear tree (only not really.)

My favorite part: the bottle of wine since the theme of these "few" items is to help with the mornings. Now, THAT is a good friend!

Aren't these girls beautiful? Inside and Out?

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School is cancelled for Thursday. It is a snow day, but in reality, it is being cancelled due to COLD? What the..? With many other modern inventions came these things called HEAT and GLOVES and BOOTS and HATS. Heaven forbid the children wait 8 freaking minutes in a windchill approaching -30. Did I mention that we lived in Canada for 2 years? We saw people jogging when the temperature was -20 (without windchill). My kids played outdoor hockey when it was -10. Mothers would walk their babies when it was 0. School kids go outside and play for recess until the windchill reaches -5. We waited for the bus many a time with temperatures WITHOUT WINDCHILL at -40 (fun fact -40F=-40C) We CANCEL school here because of a windchill??? Our school district is a rather affluent one. There are not many walkers. I would venture to guess there are no children who cannot afford or do not own adequate cold weather protection. Get on the bus. Go in the building. Learn. Stay inside for recess, make up for Wednesday's LEGITIMATE snow day.

You wouldn't believe how nearly this entire city is shut down for Thursday. We act like we are incapable of functioning because what? it's COLD outside? Geez Louise. Something tells me Chuck E Cheese's will be open Thursday. Something else tells me it will be a packed madhouse. If we are capable of getting out to the movies or Chuck E Cheese's, WHY are we not capable of having school????


Maybe I am just mad because my style is being cramped a bit. I still have errands to run. My CVS Extracare bucks expire tomorrow.

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Today is a snow day. Which means my plans of working out in solitude, showering in peace, and running errands efficiently have been left unplowed beneath the several inches on the street. They will be found after the Clipper leaves us and the snowplows shove enough accumulation off the road to find the remnants of what remains important. Nothing like children at home to remind us of time management and prioritization.

I wanted to take this moment to update you on Brian after his first round of Carboplatin and Avastin. Monday morning, before his dad picked him up for treatment, Brian had a vomiting episode again. Bummer. BIG BUMMER. He hadn't had one in over a week. He had another when he arrived at the clinic. He took the chemo fine. He was pale and tired when he got home, but he did okay.

Yesterday, he had several vomiting fits again. We are unsure if this is chemo related or connected to whatever else has been going on with him. He is not nauseated and does not feel bad, he simply feels an urge to vomit and cannot stop it. It is rather unpleasant for all because he is not quick enough on his feet to make it to the toilet and not stable enough on his feet to get to a kneeling position in front of the toilet. He keeps a bucket nearby. He does not feel a huge urge or sensation, it comes upon him quickly, so often the kids are nearby when it happens. I think it scares them. Yesterday, I was upstairs on the phone and Grant came up to tell me to please check on Daddy. He said he heard Daddy throwing up and I should check on him. So, I did. Then I played MarioKart with Grant to get his mind off it. I asked him if he had any questions or if he wanted to talk about it. He didn't. I told him I was very proud of him for helping take care of Daddy.

Brian has started to walk with a cane this week. I am glad about this. He is stepping on his right foot wrong more and more often. He walks pigeon toed with his right foot and often steps on the outside of his toes causing his foot to roll. I am afraid he will sprain or break something. The biggest problem with the cane is that he has to use his left hand to hold it. This is his only free hand. He can't really hold things in his right hand. It limits him even more.

His speech has been hit or miss. He says he is experiencing the "chemo stupids" - meaning the chemo makes him stupid, sort of clouds his thinking.

He will be due for another MRI in about 2 weeks or so.

The cane and vomiting are starting to scare the kids more, I think. They are asking me more and more questions about death - particularly Gavin. It is difficult to field. I have always been very honest and open with them about Brian's condition so they do not feel scared or are not blind-sided if Brian takes a turn for the worse or has a bad day. Lately, though, Gavin has been more scared. He does not want to leave the house to play with friends. He only wants them here. He says he doesn't want Daddy to die when he is away. He makes me check on Daddy at night sometimes when I am putting him to bed so that I can assure him that Daddy is still alive. He is worried he may be at school when daddy dies. He is simply more scared. We have talked about what would happen if Daddy dies and that eventually Mommy would go back to work so I could pay for us to live. He was very worried about what that meant for him. He understands now that he is getting older his everyday life would change. Mostly, though, he cries that he doesn't want Daddy to die because it would mean he would never see him again. I really don't know how to handle this exactly. I assure him we will be fine. Daddy is okay today and we need to enjoy each day right now. We can't worry about dying because we will all die some day. We just don't go around thinking and worrying about it all the time. Gavin is my worrier. He is my thinker. This is troubling for him. Rightfully so.

Well, I have to go break up the third fight of the day. It is not even 9:00 am. Ahh, snow days.....

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Bloggonit, it has been a VERY long time since I last posted. And there is good reason for that. I have not been home. And we do not own a laptop. We are stuck in this house to the old computer desk (which is now in the same room as the new Wii after some rearranging) if we want to cop some computer time.

I am sure I have lost just about every reader I had that read this blog for any reason OTHER than to find out how Brian fares. Since that is the case, the remainder of this post will be to update you on exactly that.

I had said that Brian was going to start chemo on Dec. 29th. We delayed that a week. He is now to start tomorrow, Jan 5, 2009. He has an appointment sometime in the morning. Only I have no idea what time because the last few weeks my brain has been in the toilet or covered in vomit or something along those lines and I don't know where I wrote it down but I didn't write it in my calendar and don't ask me why - I am sure it has something to do with vomit. I will explain.

On Wednesday night, Dec. 17th, Gavin complained of an upset tummy. He began vomiting around 10 pm that night and proceeded to upchuck no less than 7 times until around 10:00 am. He was on the mend, but missed school Thursday. On Thursday night we received one of our many recent ice storms, so school was cancelled on Dec. 19th. Gavin's Christmas break therefore started at the end of school on Dec 17th. When none of us showed signs of the stomach bug for the next three days I assumed we were in the clear. Not so. Brian woke up vomiting all day on Sunday, Dec 21. Grant began vomiting on Sunday evening. I never did. I told Brian, however, that it would be nothing short of a Christmas miracle if I didn't end up with this stomach virus. When I didn't get it for the next three days, I assumed that was the case. Rather, I awoke on Christmas morning with feelings of nausea and illness all day. The good news is that no one else in our extended family was plagued with the illness. No, there seems to be a special place reserved for us on Satan's hit list for ailments.

We were hopeful that Brian's episode that Sunday could be attributed to the bug, but we are not sure. You see, Brian has been having many of these episodes lately. Sometimes it is limited to once or twice in the morning with a pleasant afternoon. Other times, it lasts all day - for instance Dec. 13, Dec. 21, Jan 1. He had smaller episodes on Dec 24th, Dec 30th and Jan 4th. He just vomits. It is strange. It is scary. It is annoying for him. He can't make it to the bathroom in time, so he keeps a bucket nearby and that is embarrassing for him if the boys are around. We can't keep them away all the time, though, and we never know if or when he may be overcome with an urge to vomit. And I know this all sounds gross with the overuse of the word vomit, but it isn't really nausea. He is fine one moment and then just throws up the next, so the term 'vomiting fits' is the only way I know to explain it.

In addition, his right side appears to be getting weaker with some balance issues. Walking for much of a distance is growing more challenging and any sort of uneven surface is just about out at this point in time. He struggles to open most cans and his pill bottles, but insists on trying. He still navigates stairs as long as there is a railing.

He is tired a lot. He watches a lot of movies, TV and football right now. Sometimes he watches it like our dads have been able to do for so many years through closed eyelids and between snores.

All that being said, he is in decent spirits. Admittedly, we are both getting frustrated with the frustrations in our lives if that makes sense. We didn't let them get us down for the holidays, though. We went to my mom and dad's for several days and Santa came there. We spent the new year in Kansas City with Brian's entire family which was very pleasant. There was a lot of driving involved and since I am the ony driver now, it can be taxing on me, but we work through it. The last two weeks went by very quickly. Unfortunately, Brian woke up on New Year's Day with a full day of his vomiting spells. That wasn't the way he wanted to ring in the new year. He was much better most of the next day. He doesn't have much of an appetite in general, though. We were able to squeeze in many games of Euchre and a few board games with the kids. Let me just say that Brian is the best one handed Euchre dealer and player around.

I don't know what all of these issues mean for starting a new round of chemo. I have no idea if the episodes are something more to worry about or if the doctor will suggest we forgo chemo longer. I just don't know. He has his appointment SOMETIME tomorrow, so we will ask tomorrow. In the meantime, the surgeon also wants to meet with us on Tuesday to discuss whether or not he attempts some surgery in an effort to debulk and maybe give Brian some more time.

As you can clearly see, things are the same ol', same ol' here for us. Don't know what we are doing. Brian doesn't feel great, but tries his darnedest not to let it get him down. Kids start school again tomorrow. We mange some time for friends and family. We play each day by ear.

That's about it from here for now. I will write more this week.

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As a result of Brian's illness, it is no secret or surprise that I find myself in a role reversal situation. For instance, I am the primary driver now. In fact, I am the only driver now. I was used to sitting back during our cross-Illinois and Missouri trips and being in charge of the IPOD, the DVD player and the children's requests. Now, I find myself constantly saying, "Mommy can't do that right now because I am driving a car." I am getting used to the role reversal, but some days I just get a little angry at it.

Last week, I hung all the Christmas lights outside. I made the boys help me as it was a beautiful day and I truly needed the help. Still, a task that only two years ago Brian performed.

Also, I find myself trying to fill, for lack of a better term, VOIDS in the children's lives - those areas where I know they crave the male companionship and camaraderie that Brian would normally fill but simply can't. They long to go to the sporting goods store with Dad to look at camping and hunting gear instead of the grocery store with me looking at jasmine rice. They long to wrestle and horse-play with Dad instead of sitting and reading and coloring with me. I know this. It is so contrary to my intuitions, but I make myself do these things in order to give them the normalcy they deserve and the type of attention they crave.

We received our first significant snowfall yesterday and last night. Over 4 inches of incredibly HEAVY, WET snow fell on Central Illinois. In the middle of cleaning the kitchen post breakfast, I looked out at the boys playing and decided to don my snow gear and let the messy kitchen wait for me. (It did, unfortunately.) We built a snowman. I took them sledding. And when they decided they wanted to have a snowball fight, I decided I was finished. Some things I just won't do. Instead, I attempted to shovel the driveway. When I realized that 1/4 of the width of the driveway filled my shovel with snow too heavy to lift or budge, I decided I was truly finished and I came inside.


This morning, as the boys were getting on the bus, I watched them dredge through about 5 inches of heavy wet snow and slush, so I decided to get out the shovel again. I blazed a path from our house to the bus stop for their comfort and pedestrian ease. I also thought about Brian. Today he goes for his MRI. His Mom or Dad will be coming to pick him up. I didn't want him to have to worry about maneuvering through the snow, so I found myself heaving cumbersome shovel-fulls of snow off the driveway. I sprinkled some salt on the icy spots and I am hoping it does the trick for easing Brian's trek to the car. I have learned from watching him that it is easy to take many things for granted. One of those things is the ability to move gracefully. He can't stop himself or balance himself when conditions or his body fail him.

I have also come to know that as much as the role reversals sometimes get to me, they certainly distress Brian even more.

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First, please note the new prayer requests at the side. Brian has tests next week and I thought this was a good way of letting you know what our needs are on a daily basis.


We got our first measurable snowfall of the season Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. It was about an inch or so. Barely enough to measure. Grant came out of his room, looked out the front window, gasped and ran into our room saying, "Daddy, you GOT TO wake up and see what happened last night." He went running around trying to wake up the house. We were already awake. He was like at kid at Christmas. He went downstairs, looked under the Christmas tree, and sadly walked away saying, "We didn't get any presents this year." Turns out he thought it WAS Christmas. I said, "Grant, just because it snows doesn't mean it's Christmas." He said, "Yes, it does." That's right. I keep forgetting that I am stupid. Silly me.

And why I HATE Snow:

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Our Saturday plans this weekend were not meant to be. First, my sister and her family were going to visit so we could go to a basketball game. When we realized all the tickets that remained were overpriced nose-bleed seats, they decided not to visit due to Matt’s job news this week (please see A Theory In Relativity). So, we made plans with an old high school friend of Brian’s we have not seen in 4 years. They were to hang out for the day so we could meet their toddler daughter and simply re-connect. Gavin also had a basketball game he was particularly excited about.

Then it came. The ICE. At first, we did not know how bad it would get since the weather was SUPPOSED to warm up throughout the day. Brian got a haircut around 9:00 a.m. When he left, there was no precipitation. By the time he arrived at the salon 15 minutes later, there was enough ice to cause him to slip in the parking lot. By the time he got home, the ice was making walking and driving treacherous. We spoke with our friends and begrudgingly decided this was NOT the best day for a visit. Gavin’s basketball game was also cancelled.

So, what do we do now with two boys who were looking forward to a day of planned activity? Here’s what we did:

First, Brian wrestled (fought, as Grant calls it) with the boys for a while. This is relatively new for Brian since he hasn’t felt up to the task and is at a disadvantage due to his right side deficits. He won anyway. However, once the boys realized there were potentially hazardous-death-trap and pneumonia-inducing conditions in the backyard and on the front driveway, what else could they do but play in them? So, we bundled them up while the sleet and freezing rain pelted them for well over an hour. We checked every once in a while to make sure they were still alive and ensured all their fingers were pink and flesh colored instead of black and rotting from frost-bite.





After they came in soaked to their underwear with snot-ridden noses, we all had hot chocolate with LOADS of marshmallows, followed by a game of “keep the ball off the floor” in the family room. I would call it catch, but if it landed on the couch and didn’t hit the floor, we still counted it. The boys accompanied Brian during his workout and did some treadmill laps. The treadmill time ended when Gavin inadvertently wedged a toy basketball between the frame and belt of the treadmill. That would be why it is normally off-limits.

They played darts while I did Sudoku and laundry.

We had a family dinner during which I actually persuaded Gavin to eat a bite of corn and potatoes and several bites of tenderloin, if you can believe it. At the end of dinner, I didn’t feel like I desperately needed to get away from all things less than 4 feet tall. I actually felt relaxed and I still LIKED my children.

We finished the day with popcorn, jammies and Home Alone 2, Lost in New York. The boys had never seen a Home Alone movie, so they were absolutely rolling-on-the-couch, side-splitting, belly-roar laughing at the scenes when the bandits are slap-stick mangled, injured and caught in all the traps. I don’t know about you, but to me, there is NO BETTER SOUND than genuine childhood laughter.

Foiled plans can sometimes lead to the most blessed, family-fun-filled, relaxing, intimate days you can remember in months. I love when God does that. I am pretty sure He loves doing it, too.
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Well, Thanksgiving is over. I am not going to write much today as I feel a need to catch up on some sleep and some alone time with my hubby. We often feel after a holiday or a vacation with family that we have barely seen each other since we left the house. Today is no different.

Unfortunately, we lost a relative over the holiday - Brian's sort-of step grandpa (long story) and the only great-grandpa the boys have ever known, albeit a little bit. While we are saddened at this loss, Elliott lived a LONG AND VERY FULL life here on this earth impacting MANY.

On a totally separate note, it was FANTASTIC to see everyone. Lots of family - some I haven't seen in over two years or close to to it. Every year some of my mom's extended family (she is one of 11 and there are 22 first cousins and 32 offspring of first cousins on that side alone) get together for Thanksgiving, and every other year we spend Thanksgiving with my mom and dad. The other years we spend it with Brian's mom and dad. My family gives me PLENTY of things to talk and write about and that will be coming in the next few days.

We actually got home from my parents before bedtime this evening. When we arrived in Peoria, there was a speckle of spit of snow on the ground. I could NOT believe how excited the boys were. Gavin, the 6 year old, was literally giggling with glee pronouncing that this was his first snow. Are you kidding me? I have pictures of him playing in snow for the last 6 winters. He took snow skiing lessons the last two years. We did not see our front lawn last year from the middle of October until April due to snow pack and coverage in Edmonton. He had to wear snow pants and boots to school every day during that time. Where was he? Regardless, he and Grant bundled up in whatever gloves, hats, snow pants, snow boots and coats they could find. It was 34 F degrees, they looked ridiculous, and they were driving me nuts as we were trying to unload and get things put away, but they had a ball. I do think, however, the entire point was to justify a request for marshmallow topped hot chocolate. They got it, of course.

I also put up the Christmas tree, and we will decorate it tomorrow after I buy new lights. The little twinkle lights I have blow fuses every year. This year I am scrapping them and starting new. We have little for Christmas traditions. One we have had for our entire marriage, however, is that I put the tree up by myself until the boys put on ornaments and garland. Brian is NEVER involved. This was never by choice. In fact, I can remember many years of realizing upon completion that he either watched me the entire time or watched football while I worked for an entire day adding Holiday cheer to our home. Today, he asked me if I needed help putting up the tree. I simply looked at him dumbfounded and said "I think I am good. I usually do this part solo. Um.... in fact, I am shocked at the offer.... Really.... I just don't even know what to do with that." He said, "I know, I don't know what I am thinking. I'm a little surprised at myself." We kept our tradition. I managed to get the tree up while Brian resurrected his fallen IPOD (another story) and the boys watched a little TV enjoying their hot chocolate. Due to my long-standing tradition of solo assembly I have become particular about putting up the tree. We have a fake one and I like it to look a certain way before we destroy it with Scooby Doo ornaments and other atrocities that give it the character the boys LOVE!

Well, in true Angie form, I have managed to say nothing and 'not write much' in about 2000 words and several paragraphs. Stay tuned for more Thanksgiving stories.

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