Engayging Life

This is going to be a socially inappropriate post. Maybe even NSFW. But the irony is that the post is about a conversation that I had with a colleague in the washroom at work. Those who don't want to read any further, this is a good time to click out.

So, this evening, around 7 pm, I went to the washroom to pee. My colleague, a smart young man, also happened to need to pee at the same time. So we both stood adjacent to each other at the two urinal stalls. We were talking about a TV show and we carried on, while proceeding with the act of micturition. Everything seems fine, until my friend asks me:

Kris, what are you doing?

What do you mean what?

I mean how are you doing that?

What do you mean?

You are not holding it!

Holding what? Oh, yeah, I don't need to hold it. Why would you need to?

Doesn't it spray all over the place?

No, it doesn't. Even at this age, I'm pretty darned good at it.

[After an awkward smile/grin/laugh, he says]

This is surely an awkward conversation that we shouldn't be having.

I guess!

And I walked out of the washroom and back into the office and everyone lived happily ever after.

(PS: I wasn't aware that men are supposed to do it. Several of my friends apparently use the technique my colleague was suggesting. I still don't see the need.)

Today has been a bad day. It started off well. I woke up early enough, made coffee, had a quick shower, and headed to the office. Although it was dull and murky, it wasn't raining on my rickshaw ride to work. I had the usual roadside idli breakfast and reached work just before my reporting time. The first hour went really well, when I thought I did well to finish the work on an assignment. Then it all started to go wrong.

First it was the constant barrage of interruptions. Junior editors asking me doubts, the project managers constantly shuffling and changing work, people randomly coming up and stopping by, work-related e-mail and instant messages on your computers. I know multitasking is not efficient, but how the hell do you ask people to stop interrupting you? One could argue that being interrupted is a given in a work environment similar to mine, but I don't think that still doesn't explain why people don't think of ways to establish guidelines to streamline all of this.

And then the personal life interruptions started to mount. Messages and e-mails from my sister and Jay. I simply cannot seem to ask them to stop interrupting me. They probably are having an easy day--well, at least I know that sister was taking a day off to recover from an upper respiratory infection--and they want to share it with. Or so it seems like. I don't want to be rude, but it still does make me stressed and anxious. Usually, my afternoon catnap does wonders. It did today too. But after that, the constant stream of interruptions kept me on edge all evening. How I wish I could just block everything and just do my work.

Then the day became worse. Unnecessary wait for the rickshaw, heavy rain on the way with me getting partially wet, crazy traffic--all of this when I was trying to reach my apartment in time to receive my guitar amplifier from someone that my friend was sending it with. In the middle of all this, there was a playful, teasing Jay, at the other end of a Whatsapp chat. Eventually, I let him know that I would appreciate if he would be a little more understanding and less teasing when things are not working out for me. I don't think he completely understood but there was a temporary relief from the frantic texting.

Then I walked into my building to screaming kids, as usual. I walked into my apartment to find that the maid hasn't come in an done the cleaning. Eventually, I learned that my friend was not going to be able to send the amplifier after all! I was so edgy by this time, that I felt that I need to have dinner and go to bed early. So I dial the restaurant downstairs to only find out that there telephone line is engaged for almost half an hour! In between all this, some more texting with Jay. Eventually I got through to the restaurant and got some dinner.

I tried to read a book for a bit but the most annoying ads in between overs on the cricket broadcast and the screaming kids on the corridor did not let me concentrate. Then I had dinner and I felt slightly better. Jay tried some philosophy on the fucked-up-ness of the world on text. That's probably not what I wanted. Eventually, he asked me if I would like to have a phone conversation. A usual, I refused because I felt that we would have a very edgy conversation. It was hard to make him understand why I must go to bed early.

I watched the last few overs of the test match while sorting out my medications for the next few weeks, putting the cocktail of pills in my monthly pill box. I realized that I was relatively short of one of the six I was on. That means that I have to go get another prescription from the shrink and go to the pharmacy and beg for them to give the drugs to me! Aarrgh! The only other things that I can imagine that could have made this day worse are losing my wallet, getting dumped, and have multiple limbs amputated in a road traffic accident.

I want this day to end. Please.

I work in an office environment where silence, if not paramount, is very important for the quality of work. Academic editing requires a lot of concentration and can be taxing. So, editors need a release too. In such an environment, the time and method of release chosen by a particular person might conflict with the work of others working nearby. It can be annoying if a person a group constantly creates a lot of noise, especially laughter and/or giggling.

My office unfortunately has such a group of people who, despite repeated warnings, carry on laughing loud and giggling. During these episodes, they fail to control the decibel levels of their conversations too. To avoid getting distracted, you could possibly listen to music. But when you are trying to read sentences aloud in your mind to try and understand and edit them, music is also a hindrance sometimes. There is no other way but hope that these people would stop and realize others are getting affected by it.

I tried to talk to a member of this group and let that person know what exactly the issue is. One day, in the evening, the person appeared to be apologetic and promised to be careful in the future. The very next day, after repetition of the same unruly behavior, and after it was pointed out, the same person was aggressive and rude. The ego was offended and exploded like a volcano. The person started pointing out other groups of people having small conversations in the office and went on to insist that I was being biased against him/her.

I tried to tell the person that I have features of adult ADD and I am particularly sensitive to noise and get distracted very easily. Even that backfired. I was told that I am trying to hide behind the façade of ‘mental conditions’ and I wanted everyone to work in a way that I wanted them to. Eventually, I ended up being called a ‘hypocrite’ for being only sensitive to the noise created by a particular group. I decided that it was best to end the conversation at that.

What would you have done in the same situation?

If a person that you love constantly tells you the following – “You will never understand me!” “You never listen to me!” “You never remember anything about me!” - and if that same person gets repeatedly offended by things you say or do, it’s probably better to back off and leave that person alone. At least for quite some time.

The problem, if you can use that word, probably lies with both of you. You may not have the time or patience for taking care of the other person. And/or the other person is not in a position or is incapable of understanding your limitations. Don’t take the brunt of the burden to correct things all by yourself. Efforts have to be bilateral.

When I got back to work after the long weekend, happiness was apparently evident on my face. Everyone was asking me questions about how Joe was, how things were etc. Of course, I had a lot of work, and I couldn’t explain everything to them. But still, I’m sure they understood that I was very happy.

Yes, I’m happy. Very happy.

Today, I was having a casual conversation with my colleagues (all female) about sex and masturbation over lunch. Not the average lunch-time topic, I agree. But I wanted to discuss it with my friends.

All of them said that they don't 'do' such things and they would only have sex after marriage. I can't quite believe it. No masturbation? Throughout adolescence and adulthood until marriage?

Do others have similar experiences?

On my way home from work, on the ride on the bus home, with my favorite ‘pink’ iPod Shuffle giving me splendid company, I was thinking about what my colleagues had told me in the afternoon.

“Kris, your paunch is looking bigger.”

I hadn’t noticed it had grown that prominent. I tired to defend myself by saying:

“It’s always been there. Maybe you didn’t notice.”

Suddenly, Thom Yorke started singing “Just” on my Shuffle, the chorus went of like this:

“Can you do it to yourself? Yes, you do, and that’s what really hurts. You do it to yourself…”

It felt like Thom was asking me about why I was letting myself grow overweight and out of shape.

That’s it, I decided. It motivated me to go to the gym back again. With the iPod Shuffle, of course.

I did. I weighed myself. I had put on 6 kilos in the last 4 months or so! I felt bad enough to set up an appointment for a BCA test. That will be tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I won’t let it do it to myself. I promise.

Today, at work, a female colleague of mine casually asked me “Are you trying to tell me that you are gay?” I said, “Yes, that’s what I am.”

She said “Is this one of your pranks?”

I said. “No. I’m dead serious about it. Why do you think that I get along with the women in the office so well?”

She said “You gotta be kidding me. I don’t believe it!”

And from then on, I tried to convince her that I was indeed gay. She didn’t buy it.

Am I that straight-looking?

One of my friends casually told me the other day that she had broken up with her fiancé. She was smiling at me when she assured me that she was alright. I was perplexed. I tried to put myself in her shoes.

Well, I didn’t need to go much further than on May 04, 2010, I officially broke up with Vinokur. I was shattered then. Shouldn’t she be too? Why isn’t she? Was she trying to cover everything up and put a brave face? How was I to judge?

Because the setting was not intimate, I couldn’t find more details about the issue.

This is the second time that such a thing is occurring – both happened with friends who kept their cards close to their chest. That’s what I can’t do.

Anyway, I hope that my friend is really feeling okay and not too upset.

I broke the shackles yet again. This time with a colleague, a newly acquired very good friend! I went out with her and watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Captain America back to back. We followed up with lunch at a restaurant that gave me fond memories of a wonderful dinner date that I had with Mike.

The most wonderful moment during the entire date was when my friend slept through the first half of Captain America (yes, it was rather boring for a Marvel movie) with her head on my shoulder! It felt really good!

About the movies – Rise of the Planet of the Apes is a very good movie – probably better than the Mark Wahlberg-starring Planet of the Apes (2001). It is a reboot of the franchise with a new story line. It’s a must watch for all classic sci-fi movie fanatics! 4 star!

Captain America is a must watch for Marvel lovers. But it’s actually disappointing. Especially, the unrealistic story and the plot (yes, even in comics, plots can be realistic). I would give it a 3 star rating.

For the first time in many months, I'm feeling the pinch of the blues. A feeling of worthlessness is drowning me in and my life suddenly seems pointless. What was the trigger? Well, I'm not quite sure yet. Everything was alright until yesterday (Saturday) afternoon, a routine "off day" on which I chose to work for some extra money via my paycheck at the end of the month, when I had a conversation with my colleague about what I was doing with my life.

She asked me why would I work on an off day instead of relaxing or doing something else. The only answer that I had is that I was desperate for money. I suddenly realized that I am being so desperate to save money that I have censored out pleasure from my life again. I wait for unacceptable periods of time at the bus stops to save some measly rupees. I walk about 2 km up and down (on my way to work and back) to save 2 rupees (for each walk). I divide my lunch into two so that I can eat one portion as dinner. I have stopped watching movies because of the expenses. I have curtailed my party-going and eating out/drinking instincts to save up.

What do I need the money for? I don't quite know. Maybe for the future. The most ironic thing is that I think I'm going to need the money to be in a position to father a kid or two. That's what I have always wanted - to be in a live-in relationship and to be a loving father. But this goal seems to be so far beyond my reach now that there seems to be no point in saving all this money. But I can't help but traumatize myself because that is part of my normal process of coming to terms with the reality.

The rate at which I'm earning right now (in my editing career as well as with music) is definitely not enough for my plans for the unforseeable future. Even if I don't achieve my goals of becoming a parent, with this stream of income, I wouldn't probably have enough to fall back on once I retire. This makes me want to seriously reconsider practicing surgery for a living. But that would mean giving up on music almost altogether, and that is something that I don't want.

I have been brooding over these thoughts and a solution seems to be far from the offing. The one thing that I am glad about is the multitude of well-meaning friends that I have who worry about me and care for how I am. I love them for that. But at the end of it all, I'm here alone having to take care of myself alone. I hope this downspiral does not lead me to another phase of clinical depression where I start contemplating suicide. Honestly, I don't think this is going to happen. But I'll keep you posted on this.

I'm blessed - I have very sweet friends at office. The sweetest amongst them is Akki, a beautiful, wonderful woman. I feel that she deserves every bit of goodness from life. Fortunately, she's getting it.

Her boyfriend, currently her fiance, proposed to her on her birthday (last Sunday) in a very special way. He took her out to a movie and during the interval, popped in a slide in the projector which said this:

Of course, he went down on his knees in front of the whole theater, and slipped a beautiful engagement ring on the ring finger of Akki's left hand!

How sweet is that!!! Akki told me that he had to take permission NOCs from her parents and family before he did this. Also, he approached three different theaters regarding this. Only one theater (and its management) agreed to the plan!

Those who want to be sweet to their girlfriends/boyfriends, please do something like this!

For today evening's date, she said 'Coffee and conversation' first until I presented 'Dinner and stay over' as an option. She thought maybe that will be nice for such a depraved man in his early 30s. She asked me what I was going to wear for the date, and I said even I hadn't decided. She didn't push me much about anything, but she at least made me decide to buy myself a new aftershave. Maybe I'll just wear a nice T-shirt and three-fourths with sandals

I had almost decided to shave my stubble off to give my new 'Asura'-esque moustache (view photo below) some accentuation. But I'm not sure if I can find time to go to a saloon - I don't want to do it myself, you see. But anyway, I hope this turns out to be as good a date as the first one. It should - it was supposed to be a 'come to my gig, we'll talk date'. Now that the darned gig got canceled, I have my entire evening to play with. Wish me luck!

After nearly 2 years of promises, my company has moved into a new office complex. It’s a swanky new office spread across the 10th floor of an office complex which has come up recently.

But my working space is cramped and there is lack of storage space. New rules have come up which prohibit eating and taking naps at your desk. These were integral parts of my office life before.

There is just a small pantry which is always crowded – making coffee, tea, and sandwiches just got a lot more painful. The pantry does not have a sink. On top of it all, the air-conditioning is uneven, and because of the carpentry work which is going on, the place is all dusty.

The most important of it all, however, is our inability to follow the same office culture as in the previous multi-gala office. Each gala had its own culture and we liked that a lot. That is no more.

I think I am being too negative about the new office at the present. I hope I will be able to find good things about the new office soon. Whether I like of dislike the office space, I still love my work and my colleagues!

No it isn’t. It’s very simple. Just say “I love you!” I learned it when during my 3-year-relationship with Vinokur. Everyday, we would say “I love you” to each other several times. I agree that ours was a romantic relationship and it would necessitate such wordy confessions of amour. But you don’t always need romantic relationship to say it.

Before Vinokur, due to my Indianness, the word “love” itself was so heavy that I was scared of using it. I guess most Indians are in one way or the other scared of expressing their love toward others. I never used to say “I love you father” or “I love you mother” in my childhood. They never used to say that they love to me either. I grew up in an environment which promoted the notion that only couples on movies should say it.

However, things have changed for the better now. Now, I can easily utter the “dreaded” three words in almost all social contexts. It goes hand in hand with my tendency to complement others. I enjoy doing that to affirm my platonic relationships with my colleagues, all of whom I dearly love. Sometimes, it’s just for fun, and adds to the drama and “romance” at the office. But when I say it, I do mean it.

Every day, before I leave work, I make it a point to go to the desks of all my colleagues and say “I love you!” Most of them have even grown the habit of reciprocating to it with a “I love you too!” And every day, as I walk out of my office building, I leave with a smile of remembering how beautiful my colleagues are and acknowledging it right in front of them.

You should try it. Seriously, it works wonders!

Everybody in my team at the office knows how much I hate celebrating birthdays. They also are acutely aware that I detest the idea of cutting a birthday cake—this is because I don’t like cakes in general, or must I say I have grown used to disliking cakes in general. I’m a fast aging man and I need to take care of what I eat. I guess that’s the reason why I avoid almost all forms of sweet things offered to me—chocolates, pastries, cakes, do’nuts and more.

Coming back to my birthday—as promised, or should I say “as threatened,” my office colleagues didn’t turn up at my apartment on 7th of November (Sunday, yesterday). They might have gotten a hint or two about my social phobia, I guess. Besides, I had lined up a couple of dates on that day. But both of them got canceled—one man turned out to be married and the other one, my last interesting date, who was treating me at his apartment with dinner, had some sudden emergency to attend to.

Either way, my otherwise disappointing birthday was followed by a surprise birthday treat at the office. Yes, considering all my neuroses and likings/dislikes, my lovely office colleagues, especially S, prepared a huge birthday sandwich for me, which included all kinds of things that I love to have in a sandwich: bread, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, eggs, bacon, chicken salami. Here’s a picture of the sandwich and another one with me trying to bite into it.
They didn’t stop it right there. Again being very thoughtful and considering, they gifted me a bagful of frozen meat items that I could use to make food at home. That was such a kind gesture from them! I thank all of them for executing this fantastic idea! The only unfortunate cog in this whole process is that my refrigerator’s freezer is not working properly—so, I had to let S take all the frozen stuff to her home and let her have them cooked for me. Here’s a picture of the handing over ceremony!

All in all, it was a fantastic post-birthday for me at the office! I love my office!

My colleagues at work, who I dearly love, to whom I express my love in a very obvious, literal manner on a daily basis, have decided to do something that would be the most unwelcome. They are planning to visit me on Sunday, November 7th, on my birthday—something that I really am not prepared for. In all honesty, this act is going to be very annoying if they eventually pull it off.

They want to do this because I don’t let them celebrate my birthday at work—last year’s birthday came on a Saturday when I had an off day and this years’ is of course on a Sunday. I think they are serious about this and they have given me a warning to clean my apartment up so that it is ‘habitable’ by their standards.

My apartment is never really unclean by any standard. Remember that I’m gay. Also, I have had a history of cleanliness and neatness wherever I have lived. Ask my mother and sister if you need some assurance about this fact. Plus, I have a maid who comes in and does whatever little there is to be taken care off.

Sometimes there are some clothes and guitars strewn around my primarily because there is not enough storage space to put them away. But the main problem with my apartment is that it is dusty and warm. Plus, there are cockroaches and lizards which I don’t really have a problem with because they give me company in my loneliness.

I must admit that I have lost some of the motivation to dust the apartment, take care of cobwebs, and make sure that my sub-mammalian comrades are not excessively proliferating. This coincides with a general lack of motivation that is seeping through my life, especially in all facets of my life other than work. This make me worry a lot—will my colleagues make fun of my apartment’s apparent ‘uncleanness’?

So, in the last two weeks leading up to my birthday, I’ll have to be scared and wary of this impending threat. This is not the right way to shower love to a social phobic, bipolar person like me. Would you you please understand and act accordingly?

I fucked up. Yet again thanks to my alarm clock. Yesterday morning, I was supposed to get up at six thirty, take a shower, and head to my office where a bus would have been ready to take us all to a picnic. I was so looking forward to it -- to spend a couple of days with the fun-nest of colleagues that you can expect to find. I had neatly sorted out the different set of clothes and other thinkgs that I needed to bring on my bed and had gone to bed, albeit late in the night, on the couch watching a movie.

My friends must have called me to wake me up a dozen times or something. I didn't wake up. My alarm clock had given up on me once more. This time, more permanently -- the battery case had been broken and there is no possible way to fix it -- and I slept through until after 9 'O Clock, much later than the scheduled departure.

I was so friggin' ashamed that I didn't feel like answering their messages and calls. I went back to sleep. I don't know how I can face them tomorrow. I'm such a jerk! :-( The only good thing to have happened is that I got to spend close to 12 hours yesterday and today to sleep and I would be refreshed for work tomorrow.

But, what's wrong with me? Is it the pills that I'm taking? Is it the increased stress at work? Or am I growing lazier?