For the first time in many months, I'm feeling the pinch of the blues. A feeling of worthlessness is drowning me in and my life suddenly seems pointless. What was the trigger? Well, I'm not quite sure yet. Everything was alright until yesterday (Saturday) afternoon, a routine "off day" on which I chose to work for some extra money via my paycheck at the end of the month, when I had a conversation with my colleague about what I was doing with my life.
She asked me why would I work on an off day instead of relaxing or doing something else. The only answer that I had is that I was desperate for money. I suddenly realized that I am being so desperate to save money that I have censored out pleasure from my life again. I wait for unacceptable periods of time at the bus stops to save some measly rupees. I walk about 2 km up and down (on my way to work and back) to save 2 rupees (for each walk). I divide my lunch into two so that I can eat one portion as dinner. I have stopped watching movies because of the expenses. I have curtailed my party-going and eating out/drinking instincts to save up.
What do I need the money for? I don't quite know. Maybe for the future. The most ironic thing is that I think I'm going to need the money to be in a position to father a kid or two. That's what I have always wanted - to be in a live-in relationship and to be a loving father. But this goal seems to be so far beyond my reach now that there seems to be no point in saving all this money. But I can't help but traumatize myself because that is part of my normal process of coming to terms with the reality.
The rate at which I'm earning right now (in my editing career as well as with music) is definitely not enough for my plans for the unforseeable future. Even if I don't achieve my goals of becoming a parent, with this stream of income, I wouldn't probably have enough to fall back on once I retire. This makes me want to seriously reconsider practicing surgery for a living. But that would mean giving up on music almost altogether, and that is something that I don't want.
I have been brooding over these thoughts and a solution seems to be far from the offing. The one thing that I am glad about is the multitude of well-meaning friends that I have who worry about me and care for how I am. I love them for that. But at the end of it all, I'm here alone having to take care of myself alone. I hope this downspiral does not lead me to another phase of clinical depression where I start contemplating suicide. Honestly, I don't think this is going to happen. But I'll keep you posted on this.
Showing posts with label orthopedics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label orthopedics. Show all posts
Apartments, careers, and more
It’s that time of the year – time to renew the lease to my apartment. Last year this time, I had decided that I had to move out from my studio apartment to something better. Of course, I wasn’t earning anything near what I needed to do that. The most ironic thing is that I still am not.
Yes, my editing job and music put together don’t give me enough to justify a decision to rent out something more comfortable. I want to make one thing clear - I am not whining about my career choices. Well, not yet. Although I am scared of the prospect of getting back to surgery one day – I have regular nightmares about the same - I am still not ruling it out.
So, I think I’ll stay back in my apartment one more year. Maybe, next year this time, I would be earning enough to make me confident of moving into a bigger, more comfortable apartment. And maybe, I’ll have someone – a lover – to share it with. As someone told me the other day, the main reason why society is built on partnerships is because two incomes make life much easier.
Yes, my editing job and music put together don’t give me enough to justify a decision to rent out something more comfortable. I want to make one thing clear - I am not whining about my career choices. Well, not yet. Although I am scared of the prospect of getting back to surgery one day – I have regular nightmares about the same - I am still not ruling it out.
So, I think I’ll stay back in my apartment one more year. Maybe, next year this time, I would be earning enough to make me confident of moving into a bigger, more comfortable apartment. And maybe, I’ll have someone – a lover – to share it with. As someone told me the other day, the main reason why society is built on partnerships is because two incomes make life much easier.
Conversation with my parents
My sister has finally gone back to Chennai with her kid. She is staying with her in-laws at the moment because her husband is on a work-related US tour. Apparently, she’s unable to find an ‘aaya’/maid/nanny to take care of the kid in Chennai. If she could, she can move to her own apartment and have some peace. I hope she finds happiness and comfort soon as taking care of a 5-month old kid is not easy.
Well, because she has left, my Mom and Dad are back to being by themselves in Kerala. Today, I woke up just at 11 am, just in time to chat with her. We had a pleasant video chat conversation where we talked about the various issues regarding my sister and myself. Although I tried pushing in the conversation about my visit to Delhi to meet my friends, she seemed resistant to talk about it. I left it at that.
My Dad also joined in for a bit during the chat. He looked older than ever with his new pair of gigantic-looking spectacles. As usual, he was trying to ask me about my ‘career’ in Orthopedics. He also wanted me to gain national recognition by performing in the AIR or some TV channel so that I can put that up on my resumé. I wanted to ask him about his predictions regarding my future, but again I restrained myself.
It’s crazy how I want my family to be involved in my emotional life. It’s almost as if I’m seeking their approval. Doesn’t everyone do that?
Well, because she has left, my Mom and Dad are back to being by themselves in Kerala. Today, I woke up just at 11 am, just in time to chat with her. We had a pleasant video chat conversation where we talked about the various issues regarding my sister and myself. Although I tried pushing in the conversation about my visit to Delhi to meet my friends, she seemed resistant to talk about it. I left it at that.
My Dad also joined in for a bit during the chat. He looked older than ever with his new pair of gigantic-looking spectacles. As usual, he was trying to ask me about my ‘career’ in Orthopedics. He also wanted me to gain national recognition by performing in the AIR or some TV channel so that I can put that up on my resumé. I wanted to ask him about his predictions regarding my future, but again I restrained myself.
It’s crazy how I want my family to be involved in my emotional life. It’s almost as if I’m seeking their approval. Doesn’t everyone do that?
My future
I had a longish e-mail coversation with May today. We were catching up after a long time - it took a while to reach a state of comfort where we could both open up and be comfortable.
At that point, she asked me - 'So, what's your plan'? I pretended to ignore the question, and replied to her about how editing and music are serving me good, if not well. In her reply, she poked it in further. Deep inside. 'No, I was talking about Orthopedics'. In addition, she'd asked for forgivance for being nagging.
I knew it all along. My future, to her, and to most of my old friends, just means Orthopedics. Nothing more. Most of them are not to be blamed of course - that's how we (including me) were brought up - in a society where education and career was given more priority before life, happiness, and satisfaction.
Some of my newer friends - some of them with the pure intention of hurting me, I suppose (well, then they aren't really friends, aye?) - have also asked me and have made fun of my non-advancement in my medical career. Some have even suggested that I was never good enough, and that is the reason that I chose to chicken out, and that's why I can never get back in it again.
What's my view-point? I know for a certainty that I'm good enough. It's just that I find music and academic editing, in this cocktail that I'm being served at this point in my life, serve me well. They keep me happy and satisfied, and give me enough time and freedom to enjoy life.
Really, that is the reason why I'm hesitant to jump back. It's not that I'm worried about me being good enough - but, I'm not sure if I'll again find the balance in my life if I did. Don't you (all) understand? Or do you still want to nag me?
At that point, she asked me - 'So, what's your plan'? I pretended to ignore the question, and replied to her about how editing and music are serving me good, if not well. In her reply, she poked it in further. Deep inside. 'No, I was talking about Orthopedics'. In addition, she'd asked for forgivance for being nagging.
I knew it all along. My future, to her, and to most of my old friends, just means Orthopedics. Nothing more. Most of them are not to be blamed of course - that's how we (including me) were brought up - in a society where education and career was given more priority before life, happiness, and satisfaction.
Some of my newer friends - some of them with the pure intention of hurting me, I suppose (well, then they aren't really friends, aye?) - have also asked me and have made fun of my non-advancement in my medical career. Some have even suggested that I was never good enough, and that is the reason that I chose to chicken out, and that's why I can never get back in it again.
What's my view-point? I know for a certainty that I'm good enough. It's just that I find music and academic editing, in this cocktail that I'm being served at this point in my life, serve me well. They keep me happy and satisfied, and give me enough time and freedom to enjoy life.
Really, that is the reason why I'm hesitant to jump back. It's not that I'm worried about me being good enough - but, I'm not sure if I'll again find the balance in my life if I did. Don't you (all) understand? Or do you still want to nag me?
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