Engayging Life

What is it that you chase that seems to move farther away? It makes you feel that there will be something at the end. Something that you hope you will have wanted all along and will continue to exist in a state of being desirable. Yet, with every passing day, what was once desirable becomes inconsequential. The chase seems to be here to stay.

Maybe we are excruciatingly dumb, infantile physical vessels, hosting embryonic minds caught up in algorithmic urges while trying to make sense of the why's. The carrot chasing will go on forever. Those you grab will get devoured or discarded. And you start all over again.

If you don't see a carrot, you will try to imagine it. Imagined ones can metamorpihize to creations if you try hard enough. You may even give the physical representations by inserting reminders into your own environment.

Because carrots are ubiquitous, everyone will have an opinion about them. Some will tell you that carrots are good for you. Some others will want you to forget that carrots existed. Both sets of people would sound right and wrong depending on how hungry you are for the carrot.

The occasional state of satiation, often fueled by inebriation or hormonal supersaturation, may last for a day or three. The hunger will return, and you will go back to drawing, creating, and chasing carrots. Until the time that either you lose sight---not just of carrots but of perspective---or when you realize that carrot chasing has left you dissatisfied.

Maybe we should stay above ground while the carrots remain below. Or maybe we need them carrots so as to not lose sight.

I often joke about being selfish. Although I don't consider myself excessively so, I think I am selfish to the extent that humans should be from the evolutionary point of view. I blame most of it on my body, which probably doesn't yet realize that I am part of a sentient species that has socially leapfrogged. The body forces us to eat when it's hungry, forces us to sleep when it's tired, and forces us to feel edgy when it feels threatened.

From a moral perspective, however, the way we behave toward others is more worrying. What's even more alarming is the way the friends that we care for a lot behave toward us. Most of them, regardless of how much ever they seem to and profess to love us, seem to be only behind furthering their own agenda.

A typical example is correspondence. We initiate communication with them expecting them to respond in kind. We take the time out to list down all the necessary points that you deemed as important to communicate. We hit send and wait. They may not even respond in what could be considered a socially acceptable time frame, considering the urgency indicated in our communication.

Assuming they do respond, we end up feeling that they have done it in a hurry. The manner of writing seems careless and they may not have addressed all the points we raised. More importantly, they may not even have given the accurate emotional weighting to our points.

Who is to blame? No one. At any point in time, they have pressing demands that occupy their attention and priorities. Would these demands result in them surviving the lion that they just encountered in the savannah? Probably not. But their bodies and minds still make them do the things that might make them more evolutionarily fit.

They may be busy interacting with an online acquaintance that, on the basis of the sensory inputs that their brains receive, may help in them being able to further their genetic pool. They may also be busy responding to social media comments on something that they posted. Of course, not only that they don't want to be an outcast in their social media band, they also want to be leaders of their respective bands.

Our ego is what your body/brain makes us believe is the most prioritizable thing. As part of it, we become selfish, at least from the social and moral perspective, because human brains and minds have woven a story so far advanced from the biochemical mileu that their bodies are immersed in. The best that we can do is to accept this phreno--physiologic gap and move on with life.

Yes, we should forgive friends who seem selfish. We are probably doing even worse, relatively. That's right, folks, because right now, I'm finishing this post on my blog because I think this is the best that I can do to climb a rung up in my social ladder.

Go to a relatively non-urbanized location. If you are in India and you are reading this, you are likely to be in a city, which would approximately be about 50 km from the ideal location for this. Between 9 pm and 4 am, go to an clearing -- a huge lawn, a playground, a football ground, etc. Go to it's center. Lie down on your back. Stare up. At the sky. Look at the stars, planets, and other celestial objects. Now, imagine this. You are lying on the surface of a miniscule lump of rock, with approximately 30% of the universe in your field of vision.

The sheer vastness of the universe vs. the relative insignicance of the planet, the continent, the country, the state, the region, the locality, and you.

The easiest way to recalibrate your brain. Ever.

I have met someone recently - he's very handsome, erudite, intelligent, smart, and talented. But there is something about him that is simply incredible (It took some time for me to figure it out) - the peace, the ease at which he lives life! He prefers to keep it simple and ensures that everything in his life, which is not so essential as to attend to emergent, is at a safe distance.

Even in Mumbai, far away from his quiet, cold hometown half the world away, he manages to bring an unseen order and calmness to his life. E-mails are put off until he finds time to respond to them. Calls and SMSes are not answered until he's free from his work, which is perched at the top of his pyramid. It's incredible to talk with him and realize what a fool you are and how you are letting your life hijack and capsize you.

After being in awe of his lifestyle - a wonderful, spacious, comfortable apartment, a cat, 10 musical instruments to work on, books to read, new destinations to visit (while travel and touring), and truckloads of time in his desired surroundings - I have realized one thing. Life is out there for you to live, to choose what you want to do, and more importantly, for you to decide when to do those things.

'Seize the moment' was my motto a few days back. Now it is 'Seize your life' - by its balls, and savor it as and when you want to!

It's hard to even think that, just a few measly weeks back, I would have scornfully laughed at the post that I've just started writing. That's how life changes - so fast, so furiously - to grab your balls at the most unpredictable junctures, sometimes so tenderly, and sometimes so painfully. To my unbelievable good fortune, my life's balls have been licked, swallowed, and sucked tenderly almost all throughout out by my post-depression coming out phase.

I have almost forgotten how I was those few weeks back, when I would break my head in despair as to why I should not enjoy life as it blooms in front of me. This is despite my eternally optimistic and romantic tendencies, which make me forgive even the cruelest of people who have hurt me in the most grueling ways. The mantra is simple -seize the moment, live the present.

How can you be oblivious of such a simple, seemingly obvious principle? Well, by missing out on the treasures that life offers during phases of meekness, stupidity, and of course, depression. I
guess if you have ever gone through a phase when you realize that you did not get to meet the love of your life just because you did not search an online personals site three years earlier (than when you eventually meet him [or her for that matter]). This hits you hard when you also realize that during this period of extra time, you could have perfectly figured out a life that you have always dreamed about. Once such things are experienced once, you should ideally not repeat your mistake.

Similar stuff - you don't meet a potential spouse who has been living in the same city, who you would find perfect, who would find you perfect, just because either of you decided to not hang out in social situations through this period. When you meet him (or for that matter, her), you spend your entire time wondering why, why, why didn't we run into each other before? What could have happened had we done that? Whatall did we miss? Would you get it all back through another person, in another version of your desired present?

It's ironic that I can compare - it's also weird that I choose to compare - this particularly serious life situation to something as trivial as a common cold. When you are fit and fine, do you ever miss how your nose feels unblocked, how your throat and larynx are so well lubricated as to make swallowing, talking, singing so easy, how your mouth tastes nothing but the materials you want to eat, and how your body feels great without aches and pains? You don't. Not until you
have the dreaded coryzal attack.

I hope I will choose to read this post when I am acting stupidly and not enjoying and engaging life!

This poem was written by Vinokur and was inspired by my colleauge SS. Thanks to both!

There is, of course, the promiscuity of flesh -
reviled or celebrated through the ages.

There is, as well, a promiscuity of the soul.
It madly, blindly, greedily grasps at life.

From this multiplicity, this frenzied fielding of efforts,
good or bad ensues:

Confusion, incompletion, frustration, sorrow, wreckage.
And, finally,
madness.

Or multi-faceted genius
steeped in knowledge, experience, wisdom.
It wins the Nobel Prize.
Is hailed, admired by all.

What determines
which it will be?
Biochemistry.

Why do we give in so much
To life and all things such
We wish too much, I kiss too much
People, animals, and things as such

Why are we in pain so much
The pills can't cure all this much
We work too much, I love too much
Work, hobby, and duties as such

Why don't we gain so much
We are fools, I guessed as much
We pray too much, I cry too much
My heart, my soul, and all that mush

Why can't we cease, all of us
We aren't immortal, we know that much
I hope too much, can't act that much
I surrender everything, all this fuss

One of the biggest feelings of relief in everyday life is to find somebody else in the who is as crazy/neurotic/obsessive about something you are too. And I'm not talking about it in the negative way at all. The other day, I and SM (the colleague from office who has suddenly leapfrogged from nowhere to become one of my dearest friends) discovered one more of these between the two of us - a requirement to plan for social outings and stick to the plan.

Both I and her (and for that matter Vinokur too) require dinner plans, hang out plans to be defined and structured at the earliest possible opportunity. It's a pain that people don't understand how important this is to save time and to avoid unnecessary mental qualms. Usually, arriving at a date is done and the nitty gritty of the time, and in some cases the location, is not decided. The decision is put off until the last minute, thus wasting a lot of time and mental energy.

Some other times, decisions are made within the subconscious and are expected to be transmitted through some advanced telepathic communication devices. This could perhaps work out in the Matrix, or in an Asimov novel - but not in present day real life, honey! Why is communication so diffcult and apparently intimidating in this the second decade of the new millennium?

Such questions, when posed, are either met with another phase of unresponsiveness, an outcry of denial of wrongdoing mashed with imposition of inhumane rules, or rage. The result, unfortunately, whichever the outcome, drives the initiator/perpetorator mad and sometimes feeling guilty for a commendable deed! I am a very common recipient of this hurt. How I wish sometimes if I had a neuronal whip from the same Asimov novel to beat these apparently ruthless souls to submission.

Hope's always the cure for the eternal optimist, but it is mischievous! The one unblasphemized result is the joy of finding that you are not alone in this cruel cruel world. So get out there and mingle and find similar blemishes in others!

Everyone's life is in the process of being lost due to a lack of direction, motivation, and a tendency to stagnate. You may say that I'm a cynic, but I'm not the only one. If you indulge in some sort of art, like I do (music), the onus is on you to prevent this from happening. Keeping company with an intelligent group of people you selectively retain after careful weeding helps in your life.

I find it increasingly suffocating to be hanging around with people having musical egos, who don't have a structured approach to dealing with music, and those who don't have a musical goal or are failing in any attempts (mostly none) to reach it. For example, I would much rather be alone in a busy train listening to inspiring music by geniuses (like Alanis Morissette, in my life right now) than stay in a cab full of feigned, pointless conversation about how good/bad a gig/band was.

You might also say that I'm a bitch, but I'm probably one of the few with balls enough to realize, accept and execute this ideal. This, I believe, is universal - to avoid bad people/things in your life. But just keep this in mind: 'bad' is relative and there is every chance that I'm 'bad' for your life. So avoid me, if you must - for your life is your garden, after all, and it's better to start picking and weeding it in springtime.